Fever Pitch

by Sarah Holland

  'I enjoyed the wedding,' said Rizzio, leaning against the piano, 'but why hadn't we seen you before? Were you Top Secret?'

  There was a little silence.

  Jacey glanced at Louisa, eyes hooded. 'I kept her under lock and key,' he explained, and Louisa's eyes narrowed. There was more truth in that than the others would realise, she thought bitterly.

  'Why didn't we see any of your family there?' Rizzio asked, his head tilted. He rootled around in an old box, fishing out a box of matches and lighting a French cigarette. 'It looked odd—your side of the church was empty.'

  She looked away. 'I haven't got any family,' she said huskily, but her eyes met Jacey's, and the expression in them made her heart miss a beat. Did he know something? He was watching her coolly, eyes narrowed. Louisa bit her lower lip anxiously.

  Elizabeth was appalled. 'Oh, how terrible for you!' she said, her lips disappearing with disapproval. 'I don't know what I'd do without my family.'

  'Cheer?' Rizzio suggested wickedly.

  She gave him an offended look. 'At least my family are sane—more than can be said for yours! They're a bunch of raving lunatics—especially your Uncle Willy.'

  Jacey touched Louisa's hand with long cool fingers. 'Poor darling,' he murmured, eyes meeting hers. She held her breath for a split second. There was something in his face that made her think he knew something. Or was it just her imagination?

  Elizabeth served dinner at eight. She had attempted a curry which had gone disastrously wrong, and everyone sat around the table staring at it with polite smiles. Elizabeth was not to be misled, however. She doled out curdled curry sauce to everyone, glaring at them, daring them to mention how awful it looked.

  After dinner they all sat around the room drinking coffee among the higgledy-piggledy piles of magazines and newspapers. Jacey slid his arm around Louisa, and she looked up at him, seeing the calculating light in his eyes. She frowned, not daring to push him away as he muzzled her throat with cool lips. He would only be angry with her if she did.

  The heavy thud of his heart beneath her hands made her own pulses leap in response. She felt every hair on the back of her neck prickling with awareness, and was glad when they finally left the house.

  'Why did you do that?' she asked as they let themselves into the house. 'Keep kissing me like that in front of them?'

  He eyed her silently, reaching out a hand to flick on the hall light. 'They expect a honeymoon couple to want to spend all their time in bed.' He ran a finger slowly over her neck. 'And we are a honeymoon couple.'

  Her smile was tight. 'But we don't want to spend all our time in bed.'

  Jacey's eyes glittered. 'Don't we?' he murmured.

  Louisa drew an unsteady breath and began to move past him. But Jacey moved quickly, his hand shooting out to grip her arm, whipping her against his lean hard body, his fingers sliding to span her slender waist.

  'Where do you think you're going?' he drawled against her ear.

  'To bed,' she said stiffly, adding in a cold voice, 'Alone.'

  His fingers slid very slowly to her hips, pulling her harder against him, his lean body pressed against hers, his legs brushing the top of her thighs as his mouth touched her throat.

  'Not alone,' he said deeply, 'not ever again. You're my wife now.'

  Her pulses leapt as his lips brushed her skin. 'Last night was enough for me,' she said tautly. 'I don't want you again.'

  He stiffened, standing deathly still. The air was suddenly fraught with tension. Louisa heard the thud of her heart in the tense silence, and began to tremble against his still unmoving body.

  'What did you say?' he muttered thickly.

  She drew an unsteady breath. 'I don't want you, Jacey,' she whispered.

  His hands clamped on her shoulders, whirling her to face him. 'I don't give a damn what you want,' he said roughly. He bent his head to kiss her, but she pushed him away, hard.

  'No!' she exclaimed fiercely, trying to get away, and his eyes flashed with sudden anger.

  'Don't push me away, you little bitch!' he bit out, and one hand thrust into her hair, jerking her head painfully backwards, his nails raking her scalp while his hot mouth descended on hers, kissing her ruthlessly, making her heart hammer inside her as she desperately pushed at his chest.

  Jerking her head away suddenly, she stared at him, breathing fast. 'This isn't a marriage!' she said bitterly. 'This is legalised prostitution. You think you can have me whenever you want.'

  'I'm glad you understand me,' he said through his teeth. 'Don't you find it more exciting to be a whore instead of a wife?'

  Her eyes flashed. 'You bastard,' she whispered, and her hand stung viciously across his face, her fingers hurting from the force of the blow. His head jerked back in incredulous rage, eyes blazing as he looked down at her, jaw clamped.

  'Wrong person,' he bit out. 'I thought you were the bastard.'

  Her heart stopped beating, all the breath knocked out of her as though he'd punched her. She felt shattered, incredulous, staring at him with painful disbelief, her face draining of all colour until she was white as chalk. She stared at him in total shattered silence for what seemed centuries.

  Jacey drew a ragged breath. 'That was uncalled for. I'm sorry.'

  Louisa was speechless. Who could have told him? Scotty? Her heart hurt. No, Scotty would never have betrayed her, would never have told anyone without her permission. But no one else knew, she thought frantically, no one else knew.

  She forced herself to speak, her words jerky and tight. 'How did you find out?'

  'Does it matter?' he asked grimly.

  Anger flared in her eyes. 'Of course it matters!' she said bitterly. She had thought she was safe, had thought she had left it in her past, locked behind her. But now Jacey had sprung the lock and the secret was out, reverberating through her mind like a bullet.

  'Look,' Jacey gave a harsh sigh, a red stain running along his cheek, 'I'm sorry. Can't we forget I ever said it? If I'd been in my right mind I would never have mentioned it.'

  'Forget? Forget?' she echoed frantically, eyes burning into his. 'Oh, Jacey, how could you say it? How could you?' Her eyes closed with pain, and she shook her head. 'I knew you hated me, but I didn't realise quite how much.'

  He pushed his hands into his pockets, muttering impatiently under his breath. 'I wasn't trying to hurt you,' he said roughly. 'I was angry, I lost my head.' He spread his hands in front of him. 'I don't see why it upsets you so much.'

  'No,' she said angrily, 'you wouldn't. You haven't had to live with it. Love child, that's what they used to call me.' Her mouth twisted. 'And that's when they were being kind. Usually they were more brutal.'

  She shuddered, twisting her mind from the unkind memories that threatened to make her lose control. She had wanted to tell Jacey so many times before, but something had always held her back. She had been too scared of rejection to risk telling him.

  'How did you find out?' she asked, looking back at him.

  He shifted, shrugging. 'Lucky guess?'

  'Try again,' she said tightly. 'Did you ask Scotty? Is that how you know? Or did you send one of your loyal henchmen on a crusade?'

  He watched her grimly for a long moment. There was a peculiar stillness between them.

  'Louisa,' he said slowly, 'I don't care that you're illegitimate…'

  'Don't say that word!' Her hands flew to cover her ears, blocking out the awful sound of the word which had haunted her for so long. She couldn't bear to hear it ringing from corner to corner.

  He lost his temper. 'For God's sake!' he said bitingly. 'It can't be that bad.'

  'How do you know?' she flared, her body shaking with sudden rage. 'You had no right to delve into my past like that. You should never have damned well interfered!'

  He reached out impatiently for her. 'Louisa ‑!' he began angrily.

  'Get out of my sight!' she broke in, pushing him away, bitterness flaring from the tormented black eyes. They stared at each other for a long
moment, conflict raging between them.

  His hand dropped to his side. 'I'll wait for you upstairs,' he said tightly, thrusting his hands into the pockets of his trousers and turning to walk up the stairs to their bedroom.

  She glared after him. 'You'll wait for ever!'

  Louisa walked into the kitchen, reaching out one hand to the cupboard and picking up a plate. Aiming it at the wall, she flung it and it smashed noisily, splintering into dozens of small pieces that showered in an arc across the kitchen. The crash hurt her ears, but it satisfied her.

  Hot tears streamed down her cheeks, running into her mouth as she reached with one trembling hand for another plate. She hurled it at the wall, taking her anger out on the china with deep satisfaction.

  The pieces of china danced across the smooth brown linoleum at her feet, fragments of it nipping her ankles, the sharp pain getting through to the core of her anger, calming her.

  'Damn you, Jacey,' she whispered bitterly, and hurled another plate, tears burning her eyes.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Elizabeth called round the next morning just as Louisa had finished dressing and was coming down the stairs. She went to the door with a frown, wondering who it was, and was surprised to see her standing on the doorstep. Jacey's footsteps were heard as he came down the stairs behind her.

  'Who is it?' he asked, coming down the hall, and Louisa opened the door wider so that he could see. 'God help us,' he muttered, smiling wryly as he saw Elizabeth. 'You haven't got that wretched hound with you, I hope?'

  Elizabeth shook her head. 'He's eating Rizzio's slippers. I decided not to disturb him.'

  'In that case,' said Jacey, 'you can come in.' He picked up his paper from the hall table where Louisa had put it and wandered into the living room, flicking it out with a rustle as he started to read while he walked.

  Elizabeth wiped her feet on the front door mat. 'I popped round on the off-chance that you'd be going into York today,' she said, eyeing Louisa with beady eyes. 'Are you?'

  Louisa shrugged. 'Who knows?' She smiled, closing the door, and they went into the living room to sit with Jacey. 'Why? Did you want a lift?'

  Jacey lowered his paper and she met his long cool appraisal, feeling a shiver run through her. Whenever he looked at her she felt the same heart-stopping emotion. Can't he see that? she asked herself, frowning. Or is he blind? She sighed—no doubt he thought she was feeling self-pity, not love.

  'I think we can manage that,' Jacey drawled, folding his paper and putting it down. 'Is it just shopping you wanted to do?'

  Elizabeth ran a hand over her madcap curls. 'Just bits and pieces,' she said, giving him a little smile. 'You know, a couple of bottles of arsenic for Rizzio and so on.'

  He laughed, then turned those devastating eyes on Louisa for a moment. 'Go and get ready, darling,' he said huskily. 'We'll leave in a few minutes.'

  She nodded, flushing at the tender note in his voice. Was that really just there for Elizabeth's benefit? Or did he still feel something, anything, for her?

  They left the house ten minutes later, driving swiftly across the ragged Yorkshire countryside, and arrived in York at eleven. Elizabeth wandered off on her own arranging to meet them both in an hour outside the Minster on the small green there.

  Jacey took her into a small coffee house after they had walked around the town, and they sat at a small gingham-covered table on wooden chairs while the noise of people talking and cups clinking went on around them.

  'Enjoy yourself last night?' The cool dark voice made her jump, droplets of hot coffee hitting her hand.

  'Yes,' she said, recovering, 'they were very lively.'

  'I meant the little plate-smashing episode,' he told her drily. 'You sounded as though you were having a lovely time. Were you?'

  'Yes, thank you,' said Louisa, looking obstinate. 'I haven't had so much fun in years.'

  He held her eyes for a long silent moment. Then, 'I'm sorry,' he said deeply.

  She couldn't believe her ears, staring at him amazed. 'What?'

  'About last night.' He looked down at the red and white check gingham tablecloth. 'I didn't realise it would hurt you so much. It wasn't intentional.'

  Their eyes met again, and Louisa's heart skidded crazily. 'It's been said before,' she told him huskily. 'You learn to live with it. It's just that particular word that gets to me.'

  He watched her intently. 'I can imagine.'

  She bent her head. It was a thorn in her flesh which had never been wholly removed. People had to learn to live with things which were often unpalatable, unacceptable. She had tried so many times to convince herself that her illegitimacy didn't exist, tried to pretend she was like everyone else.

  But it was a part of her. It was something which would always be there, however hard she tried to ignore it, however much she was afraid of it hurting her.

  Last night she had learnt, finally, that it didn't matter that she was illegitimate. It didn't matter to Jacey and it didn't matter to her. It had been the shock of hearing it from his lips that had driven her into a rage. Now that it was out in the open between them she would feel much easier about it. It was no longer a secret, no longer a fear.

  How many times, she wondered, had she been scared of rejection because of it? She'd been afraid that Jacey would reject her if he had found out.

  But now she realised that if he had, he wouldn't have been worth keeping at all.

  Louisa had often felt like a baby lamb, branded at birth—however old she grew, however deep her thoughts became, she had felt that the brand would remain in her flesh, a constant reminder of the legacy of her birth.

  But it was all a question of acceptance. Okay, she was illegitimate—so what? Who cared? Anyone who thought less of her could go to hell.

  Once it was accepted, it would be put behind her, forgotten. It would always be there, always be a truth, a part of her. But it couldn't hurt her. Not ever again.

  'Why didn't you tell me?' Jacey asked, head tilted. 'I thought I knew everything about you.'

  'I was scared,' she admitted huskily.

  The black brows jerked together. 'Scared? Did you think it would change my mind about you?'

  She nodded, studying him thoughtfully.

  'You must be crazy!' He stared at her, the green eyes dazzling with the rays of sunlight reflecting off the irises. 'Either that or you have a pretty low opinion of me.'

  'Or maybe I've come up against that kind of thinking before,' she pointed out softly.

  He ran a hand through his thick black hair. 'Some people can be pretty brutal,' he said with feeling. 'But me? Surely you know me well enough to know it wouldn't make a shred of difference?'

  She laughed at that, leaning back in her seat and looking at him wryly. 'Now who's being crazy?'

  He frowned, his eyes narrowing. 'Okay,' he said under his breath, 'I'll admit you didn't know enough about me. But you knew me, the kind of man I am.'

  Her brows rose and she sighed. 'That's like a house without furniture. I knew your first name, your phoney address and your age. What else did I know?' She spread her hands, shaking her head. 'Nothing.'

  'Be reasonable,' he muttered. 'What would you have done if I'd told you? I can just picture it— "Hey, Louisa, I forgot to mention it, but I'm married to another woman."' He broke off, watching her. 'You would have hit the roof.'

  They watched each other in a brooding silence, and Louisa felt herself sigh irritably. He still wouldn't agree that his secrecy had destroyed them more than any other factor.

  'Can we get off this subject?' she asked shortly. 'I've really had enough of the past to last me a lifetime. It's like living with a corpse.'

  Jacey stopped dead, his face tightening as he looked at her. 'The past is what brought us here,' he reminded her through thin lips.

  'Yes,' she said under her breath, 'and it's, destroying our marriage too.' She put her cup down with a crash and several other customers turned to stare, 'Is that what you want? Is that what you really wa
nt, Jacey?'

  He watched her intently, eyes narrowed. 'Damn you,' he muttered tightly, 'everything that happened to us was your fault.'

  Louisa closed her eyes, 'Oh, for God's sake!' she exclaimed under her breath, and stood up to leave, feeling bitter anger rise inside her, unable to look at him any more.

  His hand shot out to grip her wrist. 'Sit down!' he ordered through his teeth, and she was so startled by the tone of his voice that she stared at him, sitting back down slowly.

  There was a peculiar stillness between them as they watched each other across the small table. Then Jacey ran a hand through his rich dark hair with a harsh sigh.

  'I don't like this any more than you do,' he said coldly, his mouth a harsh line. 'Do you think I enjoy living like this?'

  Louisa searched his eyes and leaned forward with a sigh. 'Then why keep it up?' she asked gently. 'Can't you try to put it behind you? We'll never make it if you don't.'

  The dark lashes flickered as he looked directly at her. 'It's not quite so simple,' he said roughly. 'You've got me so tangled up I don't know what I feel any more.' He stood up abruptly, pushing his chair back with one hand and thrusting some notes on the table before walking out of the little cafe. Louisa flushed under the curious gazes of the other customers, then stood up with a sigh, following Jacey out into the street.

  That evening they went to a nightclub in York. Louisa was glad of the respite. Jacey had been impossible all afternoon, and although he had livened up when Elizabeth and Rizzio had suggested going to the nightclub, he had remained brooding most of the time. Louisa didn't think she could take the hostility between Jacey and herself.

  It was like living on top of a minefield. Every step she took was edged with danger—she never knew whether Jacey would explode, devastating her completely.

  Elizabeth and Rizzio had spent the afternoon scouring the village looking for someone to babysit their dog for the evening.

  'I'll never be able to face the Vicar again!' Elizabeth complained as they ate their dinner in the dark nightclub. 'Basil will probably eat him out of house and vestry.'