Unworthy Of You (The Spring Rose Bay Series Book 2)

by K. L. Jessop

  “Don’t say that. You’re not stupid.” His voice is caring. The look in his eyes tells me he’s worried.

  “I told him everything. I couldn’t lie to him. He deserves more than to be lied to and I knew it would only be a matter of time before Violet sprayed her poison and told him herself.” My eyes sting as fresh tears invade my eyes once more. I remember that moment all too well. The colour drained from his face and those dark eyes were back as I physically saw the pain tear through him with my admission.

  “He looked so broken, Lucas. I love him yet I’ve made him break all over again.”

  “Shh.” He pulls me to him and I rest my head on his chest. I don’t know what I would have done if he was still in LA. “Everything will be alright, I’ll make sure of it.”

  “I’m so tired,” I whisper, closing my heavy eyes as he strokes my hair. “My place is ready to move back into. Please don’t make me go. I don’t want to be on my own right now.”

  “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

  ***

  “I think she needs to see someone.” Low voices from the kitchen catch my attention but I make no attempt to move. All physical and emotional strength in my body, along with sleep, has vanished, and the days roll into one. The only form of comfort that I have and that gives my heart a little protection is the life sized teddy bear I’m currently clutching into. That was the only thing I asked Amelia to get for me as it’s the closest thing to Andrew I’ve got, other than his shirt that I’m still wearing.

  Whoever said time heals was talking bullshit, because in all the time that’s past, it’s done nothing but hurt me more with the void that can’t be filled. I miss him so much. Violet was right when she said I’d go to hell: I’m there now. The pain in my heart is raw and consuming and seems to get deeper each day that goes by. He’s everywhere. He’s in my dreams as well as my thoughts. I still feel his hands on my skin, his scent on my clothes and the taste of him on my tongue. His existence is strong, even though he feels a thousand miles away. I feel as though I’m suffocating, but the thought of losing these little traces of him scare the hell out of me, because losing them will be a recognition that what we had is over, and I don’t want that.

  How is it possible that someone can have the ability to strip away a layer of who you are? I consider myself a strong woman. I fight for what I want and live for the now, but Andrew has erased all my strength and all the fight, leaving me numb and fragile. I’m angry at myself for not having the energy to gain back that control. I never thought it was possible to love so hard and hurt all the same. I never went into this thinking I’d fall in love, nor did I go into it thinking I’d feel more alone than I did beforehand.

  Movement on my bed causes my eyes to open, and I know without looking that it’s Amelia. She rests close behind me and runs her fingers through my hair.

  “Hey, pretty girl,” she says softly. “Thought we could hang out on the bed like old times and eat cold pizza.”

  “I’m not hungry,” I whisper.

  “You need to eat, Megan.” Her voice is like an angel as her hand continues to nurse my hair. “It’ll make you feel better.”

  I don’t think that’s possible. I’m forever numb. It’s like I’ve been intoxicated on alcohol and its wiped away my days.

  “How is he?” I ask.

  “He quiet. He’s gone back to working every hour and has lost that sparkle in his eye that you put there.”

  He’s back to sitting in silence. I don’t have to witness it to know. That’s what he does when he closes himself off and tries to shut people and his feeling out. Does that mean he’s hurting too? Does he feel the slightest bit of pain like I’m feeling? Does he sleep with my shirt scrunched up against his chest while I still sleep in his? Does he wake looking for me like I do him?

  “I want him back,” I whisper.

  “I know.”

  I can hear the sadness in her voice.

  “You will get through this, Megan. I promise you. You won’t feel like this forever.”

  This wasn’t supposed to happen. My actions where never meant to have the raw consequence that they have. I don’t want to feel like this forever, but at the same time I can’t ever see myself feeling anything but agony.

  “When you told me you loved Marcus, I never really understood why you made such a big deal over it. Guys were just good for sex and a bit of fun in my mind. Why get tied down when there is so much life out there to live?” I feel the bed dip and I know Lucas has now joined us. “Being with Andrew has changed how I am in so many ways. I knew I wanted him from the start, but it was a different feeling to what I was used to. As time went on, and he opened up, those feelings grew deeper. I still wanted that life and adventure, but this time it was more exciting to share it with him. I wanted to share everything with him. When I realised that the feeling he gave me whenever I saw him was love, I wanted to tell the world how fucking good I felt and that I realise now why you were like you were with Marcus—because I had that same feeling with Andrew. Only now it’s been ripped away and if it’s always going to feel like this and I can’t have him then I never want to love again.”

  I grip hold of the fluffy bear and let my tears fall. This physical ache is becoming unbearable. I need it to stop. When will it stop?

  Amelia cuddles into me. “We love you, you know that, right? This isn’t like you and you’re worrying me.”

  “You worry about everyone.”

  “I mean it, Megan. I want my girl back.”

  “I don’t know who that is anymore.” I admit. The thought of being who I was before Andrew doesn’t interest me anymore. I like the person he made me. That’s the woman I want to be.

  “Tell me what to do, Megan,” Lucas murmurs. The concern in his voice makes me cry harder, and I know what he’s wanting to do, but I’ve begged for him not to. Andrew may have abandoned my love and pushed me away, but I won’t have him hurt—I won’t have Lucas responsible for something I brought on myself when I walked through those doors of that city office.

  “There’s nothing you can do, Lucas. This is one thing that you won’t be able to fix.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Andrew

  Greif can do strange things to the human mind. When I lost Chloe, my heart broke. She was my wife and I loved her. We drifted, so I guess that longing wasn’t as intense as it probably should have been because it’s only now that I can feel the difference. I’ve never felt this depth of desperation in needing to hold someone like I do Megan. My body physically aches from wanting her in my arms. Telling her to go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but watching her leave was harder. I’m missing her more than I ever thought was possible, and as time passes, it’s another day I struggle to breathe. From the beginning, all I wanted to do was protect her in the only way I could, only now I feel I’ve made the biggest mistake for the both of us. I’m struggling to know what is the right thing to do. I became the man I used to be as soon as the door closed: I built back up that wall, shut everyone out and threw myself into work to take my mind of the ache in my chest and the coldness of our bed. The silence was something I use to long for, only now it’s deafening.

  “I think you need to talk to her.”

  “And I think you need to shut the fuck up because I’m pissed off with people telling me what they think is best. I’ve done what’s best. The only person I had in mind when I did that was Megan. My decision was for her!” I snap at Marcus. The last thing I need is someone telling me what a complete dick I’ve been when I already know myself. My decision to let my love walk out broken-hearted may have been wrong, but in the long run I know I’ve done right by her.

  “No, what you’ve done is for yourself not Megan, because if you done what was best for her you’d never have let her leave.”

  “You don’t know anything.”

  “I know you’re being a complete ass-wipe.”

  I throw him a look. I feel like I’m being permanently
baby-sat of late. Every time I want just five minutes to myself, the fucker creeps up behind me with a whiskey in one hand and the wordbook to love in the other.

  “You’re throwing away the best thing that’s happened to you in years, all for the sake of some fuck-up drunk you’re yet to wash your hands of. What do you think Annie and Chloe would say?”

  His words anger me and I jab my finger at him. “Don’t! Don’t you dare bring them into this.”

  “Why? Because you know they’d agree with me? Because you know as well I do that they’d tell you what a fucking idiot you’re being?”

  I try and control my breathing instead of answering him, because everything he’s saying is true. They would agree with him. Even though Chloe’s love for me slipped away and she eventually become a different person, I know she’d only want what’s best for me, but I’m not prepared to admit this because it doesn’t change the outcome of what happened with Megan. Now that my mother knows of her existence in my life, it will only encourage her more to cut the flesh and fill it with poison.

  I get up from my chair by the window when I hear the sound of my front door slam close. Dread runs through me when Lucas comes into view with a face like thunder, and before I have a chance to protect myself, he throws his fist in my gut and bundles me to the wall. I hug my waist as the air is sucked from my lungs, waiting for another blow that I rightly deserve. It was only a matter of time before this happened, and in all honesty the pain that he can create is nothing compared to the pain I have from wanting Megan. Marcus is up behind Lucas yelling at him to calm down when he grabs my shirt and pulls me upright by the collar.

  “Nobody makes my baby sister cry,” he seethes. “Nobody.” The power in his upper body and grip is enough to kill a man if his eyes don’t scare them to death first.

  “Lucas, come on man, let him go. It’s not helping Megan.”

  “It’s helping me,” he growls, eyes blazing at me. “I want to rip his fucking head off.”

  He lets go of me harshly as Marcus grabs his shoulder. Striding to the other side of the room, he pours himself an extra-large whiskey and throws it back in one before pouring another. The tension in the room is piercing as Marcus and I glance at each other.

  Handing me a drink, Marcus sits down with me as I hold my ribs that are no doubt broken. The guy can throw a punch like a fucking animal. The three of us sit in silence and I wait anxiously for what may happen next.

  “I hope you’re happy with yourself,” he growls. “I hope all of this is worth it because you’ve broken her.”

  “She’s a strong girl, she’ll get—”

  “Strong girls don’t lose their appetite and cry themselves to sleep,” he barks finally looking at me. “Strong girls don’t stay in bed for days and lose the desire to shower because they’re too weak. Megan is strong, but the woman that’s currently at my house is not my sister.”

  I can't look at him. Knowing she’s struggling like this rips me apart. It was never meant to be like this. “She loves you, you fucking idiot. Christ knows why when you act like this, but she does and when Megan loves those she cares for, she loves them hard. You’ve just shattered her to pieces because of some twisted fucking issue of your past that you can’t let go of.”

  My head shoots up, and my chest burns. “You don’t know anything about—”

  “I know it all! Like I said before, my sister tells me everything. Besides, do you think I’d let her cry in my arms and not ask why? Think again arsehole.”

  If Lucas now knows about how shit life has been then why can’t he and everyone else understand my reasons for doing what I’ve done? It is that fucking hard to understand? People do things like this all the time: let go of those they love so that person can be happier without them.

  “I did it to protect her. I did it because I care. I did it because I—” I stop myself. I’m not prepared to tell him I did it because I love her. How can I say those words when I’ve told the one person that should heard them first to leave? “I understand why going to visit Violet was important to her, that’s not the issue. The issue is by going she’s opened a nasty can of worms that is only going to bring us down if we should continue our relationship. I’ll do anything I can to protect Megan from getting hurt, Lucas, and unfortunately that means not having her as my own. I’m doing this to protect her.”

  He studies me, evaluating my words as he looks disgusted with having to be in the same room as me. I don’t blame him. He can’t make me feel any more repulsive than I already do.

  “You know what I think, Andrew?” he says. “You haven’t pushed Megan away to protect her, you’ve pushed her away to protect yourself.”

  “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I roar. I scene Marcus shift in his chair.

  “It means you pushed her away because the feelings you have for her freak the shit out of you and all you see when you look at Megan is your dead wife. Not because you’re trying to replace her, not because you want Megan to be her, but because you’re scared that by loving her you’ll lose her forever. That is what you’re most afraid of, but you’re using Violet as an excuse.”

  “You’re wrong.” I can’t breathe.

  “No, I’m so fucking right.” He throws back his drink, slams the glass on the coffee table and looks me dead in the eye when he stands. “Now I’m going home to take care of my sister. I suggest you take a good look in the mirror and think hard about who gets your future: your mother or Megan. If you decide to follow your head and not your heart, I swear to God, next time I will fucking kill you.”

  ***

  I can feel Amelia’s eyes scorch into the side of my neck like hot spokes as I give the details of the up and coming events to the staff in the morning’s meeting. I’ve lost count of how long it’s been since I last saw Megan. Her desk hasn’t been used, and the seat in the far corner of where she should be sitting now remains empty. Marcus keeps me updated on her emotional state, and by all accounts she’s getting better, which is a positive sign. That’s what I wanted. Only for me, the darkness in my chest is excruciating because my light is not by my side and I’ve got no idea how I still find the strength to stand.

  “So, that’s everything.” I say, wanting to get out of here as soon as possible. “Does anyone have any questions?”

  “I have a question,” Claudia adds. “With Miss Simmons, still away is there anyone working on the Entertainment programme? Because I’ll happily step in.”

  “There’s no need. It’s been talking care of.”

  “It’s just that I was think as she’s off sick for God knows what for, you may want to think about reconsidering her post if she’s failing to—”

  “We’re not going to reconsider anything!” Amelia snaps, leaving her seat and stepping beside me to show a united front to the room. “Miss Simmons is off sick, what for and why is none of your concern, and I can assure you that the programme is not failing. And while we are on the subject of failing, may I remind you that I’m still waiting for the Goddamn spread sheets I asked you for a week ago!”

  The room falls silent while Claudia’s cheeks turn crimson. I can’t help but smirk: it was only a matter of time before someone slapped the smile from her face. “We’re done here. You’re all free to go.”

  As the room filter out with mumbles and low laughter, the hairs on my neck prickle with the eyes of fire that are on me. I’m next in line for the red headed vixen to bring down, but I try to make light of what happened.

  “Thanks. You sure put her in her place.”

  She slaps my hard on the arm as the room now belongs to us.

  “Don’t thank me, you jackass.” Her neck is speckled pink with her anger and her cornflower blue eyes are almost black. I guess I’m the next to be put in my place. “Andrew, you mean the world to me and I consider you my family, but when it comes to Megan, I can’t sit back and do nothing.”

  I go to speak but she carries on.

  “I’ve tried to keep out of this becaus
e I love you both, but I can’t do it anymore.”

  “Amelia, listen—”

  “No. You listen. I understand more than anyone how you feel. I understand what it’s like to be so afraid it feels like your suffocating, to have your mind so muddled with mixed emotions that you don’t know which fucking one to believe—to see the future you want in front of you but be too afraid to step forward and grab it. We have more in common then you realise, but from my experience, I know that it’s ok to grab what you want, because your history can’t hurt you when you find that one person that’s willing to share your demons.”

  All I can do is focus on the papers that rest on my desk. I can’t look at her because I hate to see her upset. I can’t look at her because I don’t want her to see the fear in my eyes.

  “All the women from your past have gone, but your future is just across the bay. Megan is special to me, Andrew. I will not let you break her.” She pushes off the desk and heads out the door upset and angry.

  I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take people telling me left, right and fucking centre what they think I should do for the best. What I’ve done to Megan, I’m fully aware of because I feel just as fucking raw.

  Heading to Marcus’s office, I don’t think twice about my decision. “I need to take some leave,” I demand. “I just need work out what the fuck is going on in my head and can’t do it here.”

  Leaving his seat, he rounds the desk. “I get it. When are you thinking of going?”

  “Now.”

  “Now?” His eyes go wide. He’s waiting for me to provide him with more, but he’s not going to get it. “Alright, take as long as you need.”

  I nod. “Thanks.”

  “Hey, Andrew?” He outstretches his arm for a handshake. Once I cup it he pulls me in for a man hug and a slap on the back. “I love you, princess.”

  For the first time in weeks I manage to laugh. “Fuck off ya little prick.”