Ruined Promises

by Tracy Lorraine

  “Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

  “It’s fine. I love watching you sleep.” I look away from his eyes, feeling embarrassed. “Hey,” he says, grabbing on to my cheek to turn my head back before lowering his lips to mine. His kiss reminds me of everything I’ve been missing the last few weeks—the tenderness, the companionship, the love.

  “I need to pee,” he says when he pulls back and tugs his arm out from under me.

  The second he gets out of bed, I delight in watching his nakedness walk around the room. I think about that perky arse while he bangs about in the bathroom. When he reappears, the expression on his face isn’t what I was expecting.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I think you’ve got something to explain,” he says in a weird voice, pausing in the doorway. “Why are these in your bathroom?” He lifts his arm, tossing my box of pregnancy vitamins onto the bed.

  Oh fuck. This wasn’t how this was meant to go.

  “Addison,” he practically growls.

  One look at his angry, confused face is all I need to push me over the edge, and I burst into tears.

  I don’t expect him to come rushing to me but I could really do with being held right about now.

  “I’m so sorry,” I sob, trying to wipe my tears away with the backs of my hands.

  “Is it mine?”

  “What?” Of all the things for him to ask, that was the last I expected.

  “Who else’s would it be?”

  “How the fuck should I know? I didn’t even know you were fucking pregnant. For fuck’s sake, Addison, when exactly were you going to tell me?” he asks angrily, tugging his clothes on.

  “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t fucking know?” He stops buttoning up his jeans and turns his eyes on me. They’re dark and angry, nothing like I’ve seen from him before. “You’re walking around carrying my fucking kid and you don’t know when you were going to tell me. How long have you known?”

  “A couple of weeks.”

  “Oh, this just gets better and fucking better.” He starts pacing in front of the bed and he tugs at his hair.

  “I thought you were fucking someone else, Blake. I was a fucking mess. I didn’t know what I was doing, I even went to London to—” I stop what I was saying when he pauses in front of me and gives me a hard stare.

  “To what, Addison?” I stare at him, unable to vocalise what I was going to do. “To. Do. What?” he repeats. I can’t even describe it as angry, He’s appalled.

  “I didn’t do anything,” I say as my tears start again. “I thought I wanted to but I didn’t. Juliette—”

  “Juliette fucking knows? Who else knows? Am I the last to fucking find out?”

  “She only knows because she followed me to the appointment.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Addison.” I watch as he continues pacing, alternating between pulling at his hair and rubbing his hands across his face. He stops when his phone starts ringing and pulls it from his pocket. He takes one look at the screen and cancels the call.

  “Who is it?” I ask, but I don’t get a response.

  “I can’t deal with this right now,” he says as he pulls his t-shirt over his head, shoves his feet in his shoes, and storms from the room, then the flat.

  It’s not until the front door slams that I break down. This is all my own fault, and I know that I should’ve told him as soon as I found out. I only have myself to blame for my misery. At least his reaction has put one of my worries to rest—that he wouldn’t want me to have it. I know I made the right decision. Fuck knows what he’s thinking about everything else, though.

  I reluctantly drag my body from the bed. I stand at the window, looking out through the raindrops running down the glass at the grey miserable day beyond. How could I be so stupid as to send him in there? I blame my orgasm exhausted body for my lack of brain power. Part of me doesn’t want to wash Blake’s smell from my body but the other part wants all of what’s just happened washed away in the hope of a clearer head.

  I shower, dress in my pyjamas, and curl up on the sofa. Blake left his phone and keys here so I know he’ll be back at some point—the only question is when. I sip my hot chocolate as I stare at the TV. It might be on, but I have no idea what I’m watching.

  It’s well over an hour later when the buzzer goes off. I don’t need to look at the little screen to know it’s Blake. I allow him into the building and then hold the front door open as I wait for him. A lump forms in my throat when he appears at the top of the stairs. He’s soaked through from the rainstorm and his eyes are dark and stressed. The last thing I expect him to do when he reaches me is to pull me into his arms and against his very wet and cold body. I keep my mouth shut and allow him to take what he needs.

  We stand there holding each other for the longest time. I can feel my pyjamas soaking up all the cold water but I stay put.

  Eventually, Blake pulls his head out of the crook of my neck. “You’re having our baby?” he asks, like it’s the craziest thing to ever happen.

  “Yes, I’m having our baby,” I confirm, and for the first time since I found out, I don’t freak out saying it.

  Blake steps back from me. The air rushes between us and makes me shiver, but I soon heat back up when he places his giant hands on my belly. The look on his face is one of pure amazement.

  “I thought what I said to you a few weeks ago about not wanting more kids was true. But this…right now…couldn’t be more perfect.”

  “Really?” I ask, thinking his reaction earlier showed something very different.

  “Don’t get me wrong, Addison, I’m angry, really fucking angry that you kept this from me, but I do understand why, and the knowledge that you weren’t planning on going through with this at one point really doesn’t make me happy, but I’m more excited than anything else,” he admits as he scoops me up into his arms again. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

  “What about Sinead?”

  “I’ll ring my mum.”

  I stand and listen as he tells his mum that I’m ill and he’d like to stay with me. Steph, being the lovely person she is, agrees to go and stay at Blake’s and make sure Sinead gets to school in the morning.

  “Liar,” I comment when he hangs up.

  “It was that or the truth. Are you ready for that?”

  “No,” I answer quickly.

  “I’m going for a shower, and then you’ve got a shite ton of questions to answer, Addison,” he warns, reminding me that under his joy he’s still very angry.

  “Okay.”

  I change into dry pyjamas while Blake’s showering and much to my delight, when he emerges, he’s only in his boxers. My eyes run over his body hungrily as he walks into the kitchen with his clothes in his hands. I bite down on my bottom lip when he bends forward to put them in the washing machine.

  “How’re those pregnancy hormones working out for you?” he asks when he sees the look on my face.

  “Huh? Did you say something?” I ask his abs.

  Fuck, I want him again.

  My core clenches as he steps in front of me. He leans forward and fills my senses with his unique smell mixed with my shower gel. His breath tickles down my neck, making me shiver.

  “I’ll do whatever you want later. I’ll lick you, fuck you, I’ll make love to you if that’s what you want, but right now, I have questions.”

  “Okay,” I breathe. How can just his voice affect me so much? I’m panting when he pulls away from me and sits down.

  “Oh, I can see this is going to be fun,” he says with a salacious smile and a wink, before turning serious. “So talk me through this. How’d it happen?”

  “Well, I’m not sure, but I think it started when we had se—” I pause when I see he’s not amused. “Okay. You know I forgot to pack my pills?” He nods. “It turns out they were stolen.”

  “What? By who?”

  “Sinead, she—”

  “WHAT?”

  “Don�
��t be mad, Blake. She came to see me to apologise because she thought we’d split up because she took them. She was scared I was going to die like Kayleigh.” I see his eyes soften as he thinks about her actions.

  “I didn’t even think—”

  “No, nor did I. That’s the only time I’ve taken them late, and apparently it was enough to stop it working.”

  I talk for almost an hour about how I found out, my trip to London where I changed my mind right at the last minute thanks to Juliette, and everything since.

  “I’m glad you found someone to talk to,” he says when I tell him about meeting Orla. “But I wish it was me.”

  “I didn’t know how to tell you. I was so mad at you when I found out. I was a mess, Blake. It’s been one thing on top of the other,” I say as tears start to fill my eyes. “I just didn’t know,” I stutter as I start to cry.

  “Hey, it’s okay. I know now and I’m here,” he says into my hair as he holds me tight. “Come on.” He effortlessly lifts me into his arms and carries me to my bedroom. His promises of licking and fucking go out the window in favour of making love, like he suggested. It’s tender and passionate, and when I come, tears leak from my eyes because it’s all just too much to take.

  “What do you want to do now? About us, I mean,” he whispers. We’ve been wrapped around each other, lost in our thoughts, for the longest time.

  “I don’t think we do anything right now. We can’t rush into anything; we’ve both got things we need to sort through and we can’t forget about Sinead in all this.”

  “We’re together though, right?”

  “Yeah, but we’ll continue to take it one step at a time. Things ran away with us before and look how that turned out.”

  “I guess, but I don’t want to miss out on anything,” he says, his hand flexing over my belly.

  “You won’t.”

  “I will, though. I won’t know when you’re craving something in the middle of the night, or when you first feel him kick.” Sadness washes through me knowing he’s right, but I’m not moving straight in with him just because I’m pregnant.

  “I’ll be sure to ring you in the middle of the night with my requests,” I say, trying to keep the conversation light.

  “I’m sure you will, but I’m serious. I want to be there for everything, and the second you feel like it’s the right time, there’s space for you at our house. I know Sinead will want that, too.”

  “I love you.”

  “I love you too, baker girl.”

  “Hey, what’re you doing here?”

  It’s the evening before my bakery opens and I haven’t left the kitchen all day. Every inch of my skin is sticky and I’m sure my hair is full of flour and icing sugar dust, but I want everything to be perfect.

  “We’re coming to take you away from this for an hour for dinner,” Blake says.

  “No arguments,” Sinead adds. “We’ll come back after and spend all night helping you if necessary, but you need a break.”

  We haven’t told anyone about my pregnancy yet but I’m sure Sinead senses something. She’s the only one who sees Blake and I together often, and she can’t have missed how he is with me, constantly checking I’m okay, little touches to my belly.

  They both help with some cleaning up while I finish off my icing before dragging me away.

  “You look exhausted, Addison. You’re doing too much.”

  “I’m fine. Mum and Aunt Addy have been with me most of the day.” Mum seems to have come good on her promise of help and, much to my surprise, she’s been amazing. It’s a relief, seeing as in just over seven months’ time, I’m not going to be about so much. Aunt Addy is healing well. It hasn’t really phased her, and I’ve no doubt that as soon as she’s off her crutches she’ll be out and about again without a second thought.

  “Addison, could you come up here a minute, please?” Sinead calls down the stairs. We’ve been at their house about twenty minutes. I was ordered to sit on the sofa and not move the second I stepped foot in here, and I’m bored, seeing as they both disappeared in different directions.

  I get up gladly, thinking she needs help with something, but when I get upstairs, I’m ushered into the bathroom, finding it flickering with candlelight, complete with a bath full of bubbles. I sigh at the sight, and my muscles ache in anticipation for the relaxation.

  “Thank you,” I say to Sinead.

  “You’re welcome. I’m so glad you and Dad are okay. I missed you.”

  “Me too.”

  “Dinner will be ready when you get out, but take your time.” Sinead shuts the door behind her just in time to avoid seeing the tears that drop at her kindness. I really hope this one is as kind and thoughtful, I think as I rub my belly.

  Blake and Sinead made lasagne for dinner, and it was delicious—just what I needed. They can see I’m getting antsy to get back to the bakery, so Sinead runs up to have a shower and change while Blake starts washing up and halting any attempt I make to help.

  “Just sit there and relax for a few minutes. You’re doing too much; that little one in there needs you to chill out,” he says, nodding towards my belly.

  “I knew it!” Sinead squeals and rushes in to hug me.

  “Uh…” I say in a bit of a panic as I look to Blake. We’d planned to sit her down and talk it through properly.

  “Sit down, Lil’ bit.” She does as she’s told but it soon becomes obvious she doesn’t have an issue with being a big sister.

  “Are you moving in?” she asks me. “Oh, please.”

  “Uh…I will at some point but we wanted to talk to you about it first. This is a big change for all of us and we need to make decisions together,” I say.

  “I’m good with it. Please move in, please,” Sinead begs, making us both laugh.

  “Let’s get the bakery open and then we’ll sit down and make a plan. How does that sound?” Blake says.

  I nod while Sinead looks a little disappointed.

  “One thing at a time, Lil’ bit. You can ask us all the questions you want on the way to the bakery.”

  I watch the exchange between Blake and Sinead with a lump in my throat. I love watching them together and how they interact. I can’t wait to see him with our baby.

  “Come on, let’s get going.”

  Blake and Sinead help me with everything I still need to do until the early hours of the morning, when we crash out. The whole time, I can’t help thinking about Sinead’s pleas for me to move in with them. Is it too soon? Are we rushing it just because I’m pregnant? All these questions whiz around my head, along with my worries about opening day in just a few hours.

  Mum and Aunt Addy turn up early the next morning, ready and raring to go. They’re full of excitement, whereas I’m feeling pessimistic about today. I keep imagining no one turning up, of my dream failing in the first week of its life.

  Thankfully, when the time comes to open the door there’s already a small crowd outside, possibly thanks to my promotion of a free coffee with every cake over opening weekend—but hey, it’s seemed to work.

  I can’t contain my excitement as I watch people line up at the counter to place their orders. Mum, Aunt Addy and Blake all rush around the kitchen, getting what everyone needs, and I can’t stop the ridiculous smile I have on my face at seeing it all happen.

  I’m making someone’s cappuccino when I heal a familiar squeal. “Oh my God, you actually did it,” Juliette shouts above the noise of the chatter.

  I spin around and smile back at her proudly. “I did, Ju.”

  “This place is incredible,” she says when she gets to the front of the queue.

  “Thank you.”

  “I got this,” Blake says, “you go and sit down for a bit.”

  I glance at Juliette to see her eyes soften in Blake’s direction. “It’s good to see you’re looking after her,” she says to him.

  “Of course. Don’t you worry about that.”

  “You did good, Adds,” Juliette announces wh
en we sit down.

  “I had some amazing help. I couldn’t have done it without those guys,” I say, gesturing towards the amazing people behind the counter who all helped to make this a possibility.

  “I’m sure they all helped, but don’t sell yourself short. This place is all you; it’s been your dream, and you’ve made it happen.”

  I smile back at her before looking around to watch the action in my bakery. It feels surreal but incredible. I catch Blake’s eye and he winks at me before mouthing I love you.

  “I think moving here was the best thing you could have ever done,” Juliette admits, but I can tell from her face that it pains her to do so.

  “I couldn’t agree more.”

  Epilogue

  2 years later…

  “Addison, Aoife won’t let me put her shoes on,” Sinead shouts as she marches into the room with our beautiful—if not a little stubborn—daughter in her arms. She puts her down on the floor to play before standing with her hands on her hips. “I tried everything but she won’t stay still.”

  “It’s okay, don’t worry, sweetheart. You look beautiful,” I say, taking in her emerald green bridesmaid dress. As usual, when I compliment her she gives me a beaming smile. If I knew at some point in my life I was going to acquire a step-daughter, I couldn’t have asked her a better one than Sinead, because she’s incredible. She welcomed me with open arms into the tight unit she and Blake were, and she’s always made me feel welcome. We may have hit a few bumps in the road along the way, but I’m sure every new woman in a teenage girl’s life gets the you can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my mum speech thrown at them at least once. I know I’ll never fill Kayleigh’s shoes, and nor do I want to, but I try my best to be the mother figure she needs.

  “Aoife looks adorable. Thank you so much for getting her dressed.” I look down at our eighteen-month-old daughter in her matching dress and I can’t help the rush of love and amazement that flows through me. For someone who didn’t see kids in their future, I have a fierce need to look after and protect not just Aoife, but Sinead as well.