Journey of Honor A love story

by Jaclyn M. Hawkes

  She didn’t regain consciousness that day at all, and by that night as he and Dog sat up beside his fire, he finally had to let the past go. He hadn’t meant to neglect her, but beating himself up mentally for not understanding would do no one any good. He had been praying for all of them all evening, and finally, as he lay down next to her and pulled her into a gentle embrace, he felt a sense of peace that, even if everything didn’t work out the way he wanted, at least he could rest assured that God was in control here and was aware of them and their troubles.

  Holding her now, he wished he could apologize for all the mistakes he had made with her these past months. If he had known what she was going through he would have done so many things differently. Now all he could do was to try to make things up to her as well as their circumstances would allow. That included being willing to be close enough to her to let her trust him, and to know what she needed without necessarily having to be told.

  All night long he held her. She didn’t ever wake up, and he was more than a little afraid that it was already too late and that she would die right there in his arms. When the sky began to lighten in the east, he got up and began doing all the things that needed doing to take care of three gravely ill people, as well as the mules and their cow and calf. When it was clear daylight, he fed Josiah and Petja as well as they could be fed in their illness. In looking for clothing for Giselle, he found a canvas bag that was filled to overflowing with blood soaked petticoats, and realizing anew how much blood she had lost, he became even more worried that she would never wake up.

  He did more laundry and strung up a rope line to hang the clean clothes and then went to sit beside Giselle again. In the wagon, he’d found a book that he realized to be a journal of sorts that both Josiah and Petja had been keeping for a number of years. It began clear back when they were in Holland before they had even heard about the Mormon religion. He wondered if they would mind if he read it while he was here in camp, and in thinking about the kindly older couple, he didn’t think they would care at all. Maybe it would give him some insight into why they had left their home and families and come here to this time and place. And maybe it would help him better understand Giselle and what she had been through.

  They didn’t write in it every day. In fact, there were times they only wrote a time or two in a whole month. And then there were times that they wrote at length about what had been going on in their lives. He began to read and found that it was a fascinating tale of both heartache and a deep and strong love shared by the sweet couple.

  After a couple of hours, he put the book aside to attend to Giselle and the others again and fix a noon meal. He’d fed Josiah and Petja and had eaten himself, when he heard the first sound out of Giselle in more than twenty-four hours. She moaned and sighed and turned onto her side, and it was the sweetest sound he had ever heard. It was the first indication that she wasn’t just fading away from him.

  He didn’t know if she could hear him or not, but he hoped she could. There was so much that he wanted to tell her. Sitting down on the bed next to her, he tried to tell her how sorry he was that he had let her down and not understood what she had been going through this whole time. He told her to be strong and think positively so that she would heal and be able to move on with all the exciting things that God had planned for her life. He even told her how much he cared about her and how he wished that she had felt like she could talk to him about possibly losing this baby, and even being with child in the first place.

  She didn’t answer, but it helped him to be able to put some of his thoughts and feelings into words. It was something that he could do instead of just waiting and hoping, and it helped him to understand and to not feel like such a failure over all of this.

  He was finally able to see that it wasn’t all his fault like he had been feeling. She had been the one who had made a decision to hide her troubles from him even if it meant possibly risking her life. She probably hadn’t even realized how dangerous losing this much blood could be. She had just been trying to make sure that she wasn’t delaying their travel. He understood that now. He wished that she hadn’t taken that much upon herself, but at least he could see that was what she had been thinking.

  The hemorrhaging had slowed drastically from what it had been the day before, but it hadn’t stopped altogether the way he had hoped. He had tried to hear a heartbeat for the baby with the sound horn he had in his medical bag, but had no success. He assumed that, as bad as she’d been, she would indeed lose the baby, but the human body was a miraculous thing and you could never tell. So much had to do with the spirit and the individual will to live. He always felt like it was better to hope and work toward a miracle than to expect the worst.

  All the rest of that day he alternated between caring for them and doing camp chores and reading in the journal. When she still hadn’t awakened by the time he came to bed with her, he honestly doubted she would make it through the night this time. He knelt beside her to pour out his heart to God.

  He told Him what was going on and how much he wanted these three people to be all right and be able to continue on to reach the place they had struggled so hard to obtain. He told of how much he had come to care for this sweet and selfless woman, and about how frustrating it was to have spent so many years learning to help people medically but still not be able to do much right now to fix anything. He prayed like he hadn’t prayed in a long time for divine help, and when he finally lay down, he still knew that things might not work out the way he wanted. But he also knew that God was watching over them and whatever happened here, it would be His will.

  Even knowing that, if she died, it would be God’s will didn’t stop the heartache he felt. He agonized over any patient he lost, but he loved this particular one dearly and the thought of losing her was worse than he ever dreamed it would be. Facing losing her now made him wonder how he ever thought he could honestly leave her in the Great Salt Lake Valley when the time came. He lay down next to her again and pulled her close, whispering, “Elley, please don’t die. Please. I’d miss you so much. Stay here with me. We’re going west, remember? To a wonderful new life for you. Stay with me, Elle. Please don’t die.”

  He kissed her gently on the forehead and turned to look up at the stars. God was up there somewhere, looking down on them. “I know you can save her. Please leave her here with me. I’m trying to do as you would have me. Please. Don’t take her yet. I need her.”

  After he said that, he realized how true it was. Always before he’d admired a pretty girl, enjoyed one’s sense of humor, or even respected their talents or intelligence. But never until that day on the boardwalk in St. Joseph, Missouri had he felt the way he felt about this girl. He’d felt so strongly about her on sight, and then when he had realized she would be traveling with them, he honestly thought his feelings for her would fade when he got to know her better.

  Just the opposite had been true. Her unique combination of beauty, strength of character, and sweet, happy way of serving those around her had made his emotions toward her stronger than ever. That was the exact reason he’d felt obligated to keep his distance lately. It was almost a little frightening to need someone the way he needed her. What had frightened him even more was the thought of leaving her behind, but just now he wasn’t sure he’d even have her until they reached the leaving behind point. He’d deal with the whole leaving problem later. Right now, he’d settle for just knowing she’d still be here beside him, alive in the morning.

  In the first gray light of the predawn, as he came awake, he reached over and put his hand in front of her face and released a deep sigh of relief when he felt her breathe. She’d made it through the night. He felt the weight of his last night’s fear slip away. She’d made it through the night and he was going to do whatever he could to see to it that she made it through a lot more. He pulled her tight to him again and thanked God for this gift.

  There was frost on the blankets over them this morning. If he hadn’t been so thrilled w
ith just the fact that she hadn’t died, he’d have been far more worried about those cold, little, white crystals. He lay there in their snug, warm cocoon, hoping that Josiah and Petja were warm enough as well. There was nothing that demanded urgency this morning, and he was content to stay here in bed and hold Giselle until the rising sun burned some of the chill out of the air.

  His eyes were closed when she moved in his arms and he heard her softly say his name.

  Pulling back to look at her, he thought he’d never seen anything more welcome than the clear, sky blue of her eyes. He looked into those sweet eyes and closed his to give a silent thank you for her life. Opening his again, he reached out and touched her cheek gently with one finger and softly said, “Good morning. Welcome back.” The rush of emotion was hard to control. Finally, he was able to admit to her, “I was worried.”

  She hesitated and then said, “I’ve been worried too, Trace. There’s something I need to tell you.”

  He took her hand in his under the covers and laced his fingers through hers. “Elley, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but I already know about the baby. And it’s okay. I mean, I don’t know yet if the baby is okay, but you and I are okay, baby or no.”

  She looked away from his eyes. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you.”

  Squeezing her hand gently, he admitted, “I’m sorry you didn’t too, Elley. I wish that I’d taken better care of you. And I wish that you would have felt like you dared tell me. I’m sorry that I’ve not been the kind of husband you felt like you could tell. I’ll do better, I promise.”

  She carefully shook her head. “It had nothing to do with the kind of husband you were, Trace. It’s just a hard thing to deal with. But I am truly sorry. Please forgive me.”

  He pulled her close again and kissed her forehead. “Nothing to forgive, Elle. We’re just going to keep on doing the best we can, and now that I do know, I’m going to do a lot of things differently. Will you forgive me for not taking good enough care of you?”

  “Of course. It’s not that you didn’t take good enough care. If I’d realized how bad it was going to turn out, I’d have said something. I was just afraid that I’d delay the wagon train and we’d get caught in the snow in the mountains.”

  He turned and spoke into her hair. “I know. And I appreciate you trying to be strong for all of us, but I hope it hasn’t come at the cost of your sweet, little baby.”

  She paused and then said, “I think there might be two. I always dream that there are two.”

  “You may be right. I just hope they’re going to be okay. I have to be honest. The odds are that they won’t survive what you’ve been going through.”

  He felt her sigh against his skin. “I know.” After another minute she continued, “For the longest time I couldn’t even think about them. Then Mose told me about his wife and her baby and how all babies need to be wanted and new life celebrated. I realized he was right, and I had finally resolved to love my twins.” She swallowed hard. “Now I don’t know what to think or how to feel. When I think about losing them, part of me wants to be relieved and part of me wants to cry forever.”

  He rubbed a hand over her back. “I can’t say that I know how you feel, Elle, because I don’t, but I know how I feel. I’ve only had a couple of days to think about this, and honestly, finding out you had been harmed by a group of men rips my heart out.

  “But I know that life is precious, and the babies certainly aren’t to be blamed, although I’m sure that’s hard for you. Mose was right, Giselle. New babies are one of God’s greatest gifts of all. They do need to be loved and celebrated. In a perfect world, loving them in spite of all the circumstances would come easy. In reality, sometimes we humans are human.

  “But I know you well enough to know that you are good and kind and Christian. No matter how this all works out, I know that you’ll do the very best you can with whatever you are given. That’s the kind of woman you are.”

  Looking up at him with those clear, bright eyes, she said, “Thank you, Trace. I hope that I’m worthy of your faith. Sometimes I think I am, and sometimes I think that I’ll never have this follower of Christ role down.”

  She leaned against him and he knew talking was wearing her out. He rubbed across her back again and said, “God is watching over you, Elle. He’ll help you handle this. For right now, all you need to worry about is resting and healing. Life will resolve itself one way or another.” He pulled her head over against his chest. “Go back to sleep. Your body is weak. It needs some time, and worrying is not what the doctor prescribes. Just rest. We’ll figure the rest of this deal out later.” She laid her head down on his chest and was asleep again almost instantly.

  He continued to hold her for almost an hour, pondering his life and what he wanted both in the near future and later. Never in his life had he been one to feel mixed up, but holding her now, he felt that way. Three months ago, he had a plan and had been happy knowing that he and Mose would be traveling to California again. He hadn’t foreseen meeting Giselle and feeling this drawn to her. She’d thrown a kink into his careful organization.

  The frost had long since burned off when he gently pushed her away and slid out of the blankets. He milked her cow and got breakfast ready and then fed Josiah and Petja. This morning he’d been encouraged by Giselle’s finally waking, but her grandparents weren’t doing better at all. Neither one of them was interested in food, and he could hear them trying to breathe through the rough membrane that was coating their airways.

  He sighed as he climbed out of the back of the wagon and removed the handkerchief he’d been wearing over his face and washed his hands. Even as much as he knew about the human body, he longed for more understanding so that he could help them. They’d been down for weeks and looked like shells of the two robust people he had first met. He knew that the longer they were down, the weaker they would get, but as far as he knew, there was no miracle cure for what they had. Time would tell, he supposed.

  Bringing food, he went again to Giselle. Although he was hesitant to wake her up, he needed to know how the bleeding was today. Sitting down beside her, he gently rubbed her back until she slowly opened her eyes to look up at him. In almost a whisper he said, “I’m sorry to wake you, Elle, but I need to check you. Please don’t be offended. I need to know how much you’ve bled overnight.”

  She nodded and then closed her tired eyes again as he pulled back her bedding. He’d been hoping that with no movement the hemorrhaging would stop altogether, but he was disappointed. It was better than what it had been when he’d first found her, but she was still bleeding enough that she wasn’t out of the woods. With the blood that she’d already lost, even the smallest amount was frighteningly dangerous.

  At his sigh, she looked up at him again. “Bad?”

  He nodded. “It’s much better than it was, but you’ve lost far too much blood. How are you feeling? Are you cramping a lot?”

  Tiredly, she shook her head. “Not too bad. Mostly I’m just tired and dizzy. Every once in a while the whole world starts to spin around me.”

  “How does food sound? Do you think you could eat something if I helped you?” She nodded again and went to sit up, but he stopped her. “No, Elle. Try not to move if you can help it. Moving will encourage the bleeding. If I give you bites, can you lie still?”

  She made it through several bites before drifting off again while she was still chewing. He woke her and she managed to swallow, and then he let her go back to sleep.

  When things were put to rights around camp, he climbed onto the cliff above them and looked all around. The Indians had been behaving for the most part as of late, and they were too far from the settlements to worry much about highwaymen, but being alone out here as they were was never that great of an idea. Even good Indians and settlers would be tempted by a lone wagon of ill people. When he saw nothing amiss around them, he went back to sit beside her and read in the journal some more.

  It was an
intriguing read that indeed helped him to gain insight into why the Mormons had gathered and why they were going west. He had heard stories about them, but had no idea how persecution had dogged them literally from the start. Even in their own country and among their own family they had been ill treated for the simple reason that they had chosen to believe that Joseph Smith had truly seen a vision back in eighteentwenty. Trace closed the book around a finger that held his place and thought about that.

  Told by the gossip mill that passed juicy stories along with an almost uncanny efficiency, the tale of the vision of God and Jesus Christ had seemed far-fetched and illogical, but here it made a kind of sense. Written in such a humble and straightforward manner that he could almost hear Josiah speak aloud, the idea that Christ’s church had been lost from the world and needed to be restored in its original fullness rang true to something deep inside him. He tried to put himself in God’s shoes. If the gospel had truly been lost to the earth, by what process could it be restored most correctly? Seen in that context, Joseph Smith’s account only made sense.

  He lost track of time reading until the light began to fade on the pages. He reached to touch Giselle’s forehead with a gentle hand. She was cool to the touch and oh, so pale, but she was still with him. Setting the book aside, he pulled back her blankets to check her again and changed the toweling he had put under her yet one more time. She didn’t even wake as he did so, and he began to pray again as he worked around camp that night that she would pull through.

  Josiah and Petja were worse, and when he finished doing all that he could do and then sat at the fire eating his own dinner with Dog at his feet, he began to wonder if all four of them were going to die on him. Or five, if she truly was carrying twins as she believed. It was a discouraging thought, and he finally went to sleep beside her with a heavy heart. In the night, he heard her groan and lit a lantern to check on her. She was in premature labor, and indeed before morning, she slipped stillborn twin girls.