Between Before and After

by Dick, Amanda

  Max came forward to take Kate in his arms, smiling shyly.

  “Hey you!” She buried her head in his shoulder. She was struck with the sudden urge to hang on tight, and she did. “I wasn’t sure you’d even be here.”

  She felt him shrugging.

  “You never returned my calls,” she accused, frowning up at him.

  “I –“

  “It doesn’t matter.” She drew back. “What matters is you’re here.”

  He looked tired. She vowed to talk to him later, when they were alone, and find out what was going on. For now though, she had one more person she desperately needed to see.

  “Where’s Lace?”

  “Making a pre-dinner bijoux snackette.”

  “She’s cooking? You guys should be doing that – she should be taking it easy,” she frowned.

  Gavin held his hands up in surrender. “She’s fine – and believe me, we tried, but she insisted. You know what she’s like – she likes to feed everyone.”

  “How is she?” Kate asked, draping her arm around Max’s waist.

  “She’s good,” Gavin leaned back against the Monaro. “It’s gonna take some time, but she’s doing okay, all things considered.”

  “And what about you?”

  “I’m okay. We’re philosophical about it,” Gavin said, glancing briefly towards the house. “It wasn’t the right time anyway. We weren’t ready. But y’know, we can try again. Later.”

  “She should be resting,” Kate insisted, her heart breaking for them both.

  “Don’t fuss over her – really,” Gavin warned. “It makes her tetchy. She’s been taking it easy the past week and she looks much better.”

  “I think she looks great, considering,” Finn said.

  “Why don’t you go in and catch up?” Gavin suggested to Kate. “We’ll bring your stuff inside. She’s really looking forward to seeing you.”

  Kate smiled at him before leaving them to make her way through the carport and into the house.

  The moment Kate stepped inside the house, a delicious warming sensation rose up from the pit of her stomach. It gradually spread throughout her body, and even her heartbeat slowed. It was as if Danny had come up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, drawing her close. The voices outside died away and she gave in to the fantasy, part of her instinctively knowing it wasn’t real but wanting it so badly she didn’t care. Slowly, it died away and she sniffed back the aching sense of loss as emptiness flooded in. Danny wasn’t here, yet in so many other ways, he was.

  She stared down the empty hallway that stretched out before her. The 1970s wallpaper was faded, the floors devoid of carpet. Family photographs lined the walls – generations of Morris’s had holidayed here. Everything was exactly as it had always been. It was comforting, taking into account how quickly things could change. Lately, even his presence – previously so strong – in the house they shared, was fading. She felt like she was losing him and it scared her.

  Directly opposite her was their bedroom, the one she and Danny used to always sleep in when they came here. She gravitated towards it, stopping in the doorway. Lacking in personal touches, the room contained a double bed and large, 1970s Formica dressing table, complete with mirror, and matching bedside tables. The French doors were open and the slight breeze carried the chorus of cicadas into the house. The sea was calm, as usual, and sunlight glinted off the water. The mountains on the opposite shoreline loomed in the distance. Reaching upwards into the sky, dense and green, they formed part of the Queen Charlotte Track, which she and Danny had always said they would walk, one day.

  One day. She had tried so hard to strike that phrase from her vocabulary over the past year. It was either now or never. One single day – twenty-four short hours – had the power to change your life forever.

  She turned away from the room, her heart heavy, and made her way out to the kitchen. From the doorway to the living area, the outlook was even more beautiful, the wall of windows framing the bay like a living piece of art.

  “Hey chickie.” Lacey was standing at the kitchen sink, smiling at her.

  Kate wrapped her arms around her carefully, afraid of hurting her. “Hey yourself.”

  As they drew apart, Kate rubbed her arm, smiling. “It’s so good to see you. I’ve missed our email chats this past week. How was the road trip?”

  “I’ve missed you, too. It’s been nice, getting out of Auckland for a bit. It’s so much quieter down here.”

  “How are you? You feeling okay? I told the boys off – said they should be running around after you, not the other way around.”

  “It’s fine, really. I’m okay. I’m working through it – we both are.” She nodded towards the doorway. “Gav’s been amazing.”

  The instant sting of jealousy bit hard. Gavin and Lacey made such a good team, always there for each other, always honest with each other. She had thought she had that same relationship with Danny. How wrong she was.

  Voices, accompanied by a loud belch, preceded the arrival of Gavin, Max and Finn, laden with her small overnight bag, two bags of groceries and a box of beer.

  “Where do you want all this stuff?” Finn asked, dumping the beer and groceries on the kitchen counter.

  “I asked for bread, milk and cheese – not the whole supermarket,” Lacey chuckled, shaking her head.

  Finn pointed to the beer. “Au contraire, missy – I believe what you actually said was that you wanted ‘the basics’. Voila – basics.”

  Chapter Five

  The house was like a sun-trap. The breeze that had cooled things down earlier had all but disappeared, leaving them at the mercy of the sun, now sitting just above the hills opposite. Rivulets of sweat ran down the back of Finn’s neck and he reached for his can of beer, placing it at the nape of his neck to combat the heat. The chill that ran through him was heavenly.

  They lounged on the deck chairs, letting the peace and solitude of the bay wash over them.

  “Is the boat still in the shed?” Gavin pointed with his can to the boat shed on the shore to the right of them.

  “Yeah, I had a look earlier.”

  “Miracle it’s still standing. Every year, I think I’m gonna find it’s been reduced to a pile of timber in the wood shed,” Finn said, removing the can of beer from the back of his neck and taking a sip.

  Kate chuckled softly.

  “It’s gonna happen – mark my words.” He couldn’t account for the sudden increase in his heart rate when he made her laugh. She seemed to be doing that more and more lately, and he loved to see it. She deserved to be happy. He wanted to be the one to make her happy, too – and not just with the occasional joke.

  “Bugger this – I’m going in. Who’s with me?” Gavin stood up and pulled his t-shirt off over his head.

  Lacey smiled. “I wondered how long it would take you.”

  He took off at a run down the steps and over the lawn, whooping as he flew over the sand and into the water. Finn grinned, putting his beer can down on the deck.

  “He’s a lunatic!” Kate giggled.

  “And he’s all mine,” Lacey dead-panned, glancing over at her. “How blessed am I?”

  Finn stood up and pulled his t-shirt off over his head, throwing it at Kate.

  “Come on chicks – if we can go topless, so can you!” he winked.

  Kate stared at him, speechless, a satisfying blush crawling up her neck. Max stood up, ripping his shirt off in a similar fashion and throwing it at Finn as he raced off towards the water. Finn threw the shirt at the girls and took off after him.

  He galloped into the water, diving in as soon as it was deep enough. The cool water instantly reduced his body’s core temperature and he savoured it, touching the ocean floor before swimming back up to the surface. Shaking his head to clear the water from his eyes, he saw Gavin climb the ladder on the pontoon in the middle of the bay and he followed Max as they made their way leisurely towards him.

  He cut through the water cleanly, enjoyin
g the freedom of having the entire bay to themselves. He missed being close to the sea. Living in Hamilton had its perks, and he had made the forty-five minute trek to the surf beaches at Raglan a few times, but there was nothing like having the ocean on your doorstep. It was like having paradise in your back yard.

  Max climbed up onto the pontoon beside Gavin as it rocked from side to side, and Finn hung onto the bottom of the ladder, waiting for it to settle.

  “It’s colder than a witch’s tit in there.” Max said, settling himself on the pontoon beside Gavin.

  Finn waved to the girls. “We’re waiting!”

  Kate stood up and shielded her eyes from the sun. “Is it cold?” she called back, her voice echoing across the bay.

  “Nope!” Max yelled from behind him, chortling to himself.

  “She’s gonna kill you for that.” Gavin murmured, and Finn turned around to see them both grinning. He climbed up onto the pontoon and sat with his legs dangling over the side, running a hand through his hair to get rid of the water dripping into his eyes.

  “Look,” Max pointed. “It worked!”

  Finn followed his gaze as Lacey and Kate disappeared into the house.

  “I bet they’re getting changed,” Gavin said. “You wait.”

  “I’d hate to be a chick. So much maintenance. Way easier to just strip your shirt off and go for it,” Max sniffed.

  “Agreed.”

  “Mind you, must take you a while to mousse your mop these days,” Finn quipped.

  “Piss off.”

  “I’m sure Kate’ll cut it if you ask her – unless you like it like that? I mean, I don’t want to assume anything.” Gavin said.

  “You can piss off too,” Max shook his head like a dog then smoothed his hair down with his hand. “I’ve been busy, okay? Unlike you lot, I don’t have time to get to the barbers once a month.”

  “Ha! Told ya!” Gavin crowed suddenly, nodding at the house.

  Finn watched as both girls, giggling like twelve-year-olds, ran down over the lawn in their swimsuits, towels in hand. They seemed to move in slow motion and he took full advantage of the fantasy. Kate wore a sleek red one-piece that he had never seen before. It showed off her ample curves and contrasted beautifully with her auburn hair. Desire rose up in his throat and he had to force himself to look away before he had some serious explaining to do.

  He was unable to avert his eyes for long, and a moment later he was watching her again. This was torture. He felt like a love-struck teenager. She looked like a movie star from the 1950s, her long hair flowing behind her as she ran towards the water. He had to resist the urge to dive in and swim straight over to her. He cleared his throat, staring down at his feet in the water as he forced out a long, slow breath. He tried to think of something else, anything else, but it was a fruitless exercise. He found himself glancing up once more as shrieks of surprise echoed through the bay.

  Max and Gavin chuckled.

  “Suckers!” Max yelled.

  “You lying bastard!” Lacey gasped, standing bolt upright. “It’s freezing!”

  Kate submerged herself up to her neck. “You’ll keep, Lonergan!” she yelled, flipping him the bird.

  Finn turned to grin at Max. “Better sleep with one eye open tonight, mate.”

  Max frowned. “Shit – should’ve gotten them to bring another six-pack out with them.”

  Gavin roared with laughter.

  Kate rinsed the salt water out of her hair in the bathroom. She gathered her long hair up and squeezed it out, wrapping it in a towel. Standing in front of the mirror, she reapplied her lip gloss and tried not to think of the way Finn’s chest glistened when it was wet. It was ridiculous how it made her feel and she was embarrassed just thinking about it now. Much the same as the way she felt after their close encounter at New Years.

  Determinedly putting it out of her mind, she went back to her bedroom. As she changed back into a skirt and t-shirt, her mind wandered into dangerous territory once more. She wondered what it would be like to run her hands over his bare chest, brushing those pesky rivulets of water away.

  “For God’s sake,” She rolled her eyes at her reflection in the mirror above the dressing table. “Girlfriend, you need to get a grip – and a bloody life.”

  She pulled the towel off her head and finger-combed her wet hair, quickly applying styling product before going back to the bathroom to hang up her towel. By the time she appeared in the kitchen, she was more or less composed.

  “You need a hand in here?” she asked Lacey, who was busy making dinner.

  “Actually, I think it’s pretty much sorted, thanks.” Lacey smiled over at her briefly, before turning her attention back to the cheese she was grating. “Fancy pouring us a glass of wine though?”

  “That would have to be one of your better ideas.”

  Kate took a couple of the larger mismatched wine glasses out of the cupboard and grabbed the wine bottle from the fridge. A 1960s top forty compilation was playing, albums spread around the old radiogram in the corner of the room. Max was sprawled on one of the long, sleek, very 1970s sofas in the living room. With a can of beer on his stomach and his eyes closed, he tapped his bare feet in time to the music. Kate smiled to herself as she poured the wine.

  “He seems pretty relaxed,” she commented, just loud enough for Lacey to hear.

  Lacey shot a quick glance at Max and returned the smile, nodding. “It’s good isn’t it? To see him again, I mean. I was getting worried about him. It was like he dropped off the face of the earth for a while there.”

  “Yeah. I was thinking I’d get here and he’d be a no-show again.”

  “I know – me too.”

  Kate placed a full glass of wine in front of Lacey and took hers into the living room, sitting down on the end of the sofa Max was lounging on. He opened his eyes immediately.

  “Hey you,” He rearranged himself so she had more room. “You’re looking gorgeous, by the way. Love the swimsuit – is it new?”

  Finn and Gavin were lost in conversation out on the deck. She refused to allow herself to be drawn into feeling guilty about a new swimsuit, or the reason she bought it. The best defence was offence.

  “Don’t think you can charm your way out of this one, Lonergan. Payback’s a bitch – that water was frigid.”

  “You didn’t ask for a temperature reading – you asked if I thought it was cold. I didn’t. If you did, well then – I can’t be held responsible for that, can I?”

  “Mmm-hmm.” She narrowed her eyes at him as she took a sip of wine.

  “Can you do me a favour, chick?” Lacey called over the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living room. “Can you go and get some mussels off the jetty for me? I think I’m gonna steam some to have with dinner.”

  “No worries.” Kate stood up, resting her glass on the coffee table.

  She took the stainless steel mixing bowl that Lacey handed her and headed out through the French doors onto the deck.

  “How much?” Gavin was saying.

  “Thirty five grand.” Finn took a sip of beer.

  “You’re shitting me – seriously?”

  “Seriously.”

  Gavin let loose with a low whistle, shaking his head.

  “What’s this?” Kate asked, stopping beside them.

  “Finn was just saying, some random guy came up to him a week ago and offered him thirty five grand for the Monaro.”

  “Really? I had no idea it was worth that much.” Danny would have been thrilled.

  Finn looked up at her, squinting into the late afternoon sun. “I know. I did some research after that, and they go for more than that too, some of them. Incredible.”

  “Wow. That’s a lot of dosh.”

  “Sure is. I’d never sell it, but it’s good to know.”

  Of course he wouldn’t sell it. He loved that car as much as Danny had. She realised that he was still looking at her, his expression unreadable. Growing uncomfortable under his scrutiny, she
held the bowl up.

  “I’m in charge of collecting the mussels for dinner – chef’s orders,” she smiled over her shoulder, heading for the steps.

  “I’ll come with you,” Finn said immediately, putting his beer on the deck beside his chair and standing up.

  The thoughts she had had earlier made another appearance, and she quickly pushed them aside. She couldn’t spend the next few days avoiding him just because she had some kind of girly crush she was having trouble getting over.

  He fell into step beside her as they made their way over the lawn and down onto the sandy beach. She struggled for something to say to ease the tension but for once, nothing came.

  “How’s your stomach?” Finn asked finally.

  “It’s fine now.” She smiled over at him briefly as they strolled along the sand towards the jetty closest to the house. “Maybe those seasickness pills finally kicked in.”

  They reached the weather-beaten wooden jetty and he climbed up onto it first, offering her his hand. Gingerly, she took it. His fingers closed around hers, safe and solid and reliable, and she had to keep telling herself that it was nothing, he was just being his usual, chivalrous self. She wished her heart would stop thumping in her ears so she could think straight.

  He pulled her up onto the jetty next to him. Being in such close proximity didn’t help clear up any of the confusion she felt – if anything, it made it worse. Part of her wanted to crawl into his arms. The other part of her wanted to run from him. She kept telling herself that he had Kelly – he wasn’t available. Even if he was, she wasn’t sure that would make any difference. If he would just keep his distance, she could get over this infatuation, or whatever the hell this was. Only, he didn’t seem to be able to do that.

  They walked in silence down the length of the jetty. The water was a gorgeous azure blue, clear and shallow beneath them. A multitude of sea life attached themselves to the pylons, including starfish and mussels. She wasn’t normally a huge fan of mussels, but it always seemed to be the thing to do here, and she was keen to keep up the old traditions, the ones that Danny had started when they first began coming here all those years ago. It seemed important, a way of keeping his memory alive.