You cannot mention this letter because it is not an official one. Send me your answer with the second sentence starting with “yes, my dear Hilde.” This will be my clue that you received the letter.
My sincerest thanks for your last letter and for the nice pictures. You can’t imagine my joy! Little Peter looks so cute standing beside his bigger brother, and I can see how he crumples his nose. It warms my heart. This is the first picture where you and Pappa are photographed as well. Now I have all four of you here with me in my prison cell.
I yearn to see my children again and am waiting for permission to at least see Volker. Mother Annie has promised me to ask, but we must wait until she comes back from her trip to the Baltic Sea.
As soon as I have held my dear little Volker in my arms again, I will be patient until I can see you and Pappa again. I hope that I will still be alive in half a year and maybe, just maybe, the war will be over by then. Wouldn’t that be a joyous day?
Since yesterday, I am more confident because I have heard, already for the second time, that women are not executed anymore. I have also heard about three women who we thought had been killed, but no, they are still alive.
Following the advice of my lawyer, I have written an addition to my plea for clemency, and now wish to hope again – to hope for a little bit of life. I do not want to live for myself because I am not suitable for this world anymore. It is for the sake of my children that I hope.
At least I know that my children are in the very best hands with you, and of course, you shall decide fully about them. If I do not stay alive, the children can go and live with Q’s cousin Fanny in America after the war. They would have a good life overseas. And you wouldn’t have the burden of raising two more children now that your own are grown up. Please do not worry about the future.
How is your health? You never write about yourself, and you have all the work with the children. What about your legs and your heart, and can you sleep enough? Do you often have anxiety?
I always smile when you write me about them, how Pappa takes them with him to his clients, and what they like. Now in these warm summer days, I think even more about my sons. How we bathed in the lake. Had a picnic on the grass. We had plans to take them to the lake or the Baltic Sea this summer, if this horrible fate hadn’t come over us.
Regarding your concern about sending Volker to Mother Annie, I don’t think it will be bad for him, and it will bring you some relief. He is so much smarter than I was when I first came to you so many years ago.
Mother Annie will spoil him, that is for sure. But he’ll be with her just a few days, and once he’s back with you, he will surely accept that, at your place, he has to behave.
I pray it will be the last time he comes to visit me here. My lawyer is confident that my plea for clemency will be approved. Then they will take me to another place. A normal prison is so much better than here, where everyone is waiting for the worst.
And if God is with us, then this war will soon be over, and we can all be together again. Therefore, please think of this visit as the last one. Who knows how everything will look after another six months?
Please receive my sincerest thanks for everything you’re doing for me. The cookies were delicious. You cannot imagine how bad the food is here. And if you don’t receive food from outside, then it is a horrible hunger. They have reduced our rations twice since I arrived here. Apparently, they think prisoners can subsist on love and air alone…and there’s not much love in here.
Thank you so much for the books; they are the biggest help because I’m always bored.
And give both my sons a big kiss from me. Don’t let them ever forget about their mother. I’m not forgetting them either. On the contrary, I think of them every waking minute of the day and dream of them at night. I will love them until my last breath and beyond.
Love,
Hilde
She folded the two sheets of paper and squeezed them into an envelope, sealing it. Now she would have to wait until one of the nice guards was on duty, and pay her to deliver the letter to the next mail office.
Hilde hoped to have the verdict on her pleas for clemency by the time she received Emma’s answer. Then she could – with God’s help – send her stepmother positive news.
Chapter 39
Q received a letter from his mother and read it for the umpteenth time.
My dear Wilhelm,
I want to thank you so much for your long and detailed letter. I have read it several times, and it has given me a clearer picture of your state of mind and your fate.
But I also must tell you that my soul is sick after reading it. My moods are swinging up and down in a turbulent, even violent manner.
While I will always love you and send you strengthening thoughts, I wish you would show remorse for the great guilt you’ve loaded upon yourself.
Both Gunther and I telegraphed Kriminalkommissar Becker and asked for permission to visit you. Denied.
Q looked up to where Werner sat at the table. “Becker denied my poor mother permission to visit again. She must be out of her mind,” Q complained.
“You mustn’t let despair take over.” Werner tried to calm him down.
“With her seventy-seven years and frail health, she begged him to see me one last time. And that cruel son of a bitch denied her request.” Q sighed, burying his head in his hands.
“You must hold out hope that Kriminalkommissar Becker will relent sometime soon.”
“Sometime soon?” Q asked him, a hint of sarcasm in his voice. “How much time do I, do you, have left? Every day can be the last one.”
Werner shook his head. “None of us knows that. We’ve been here much longer than most of the other prisoners.”
“Why? Why hasn’t my sentence been enforced yet?” Q surged to his feet and paced the tiny space.
“I don’t know the answer to that question. No one in this prison knows the answer. Those things are decided higher up the ranks.”
“Nobody tells me or my family. We can only speculate. It might be because I’m sharing my research with the government. They might wait and see if they can get anything useful out of me.”
“That is a good thing, correct?” Werner asked.
“Yes and no.” Q ran a hand through his tousled hair. Since he was in prison, he didn’t wear it short anymore, and his curls gave him a tight cloud around his head.
“Gunther visited Becker and asked what my chances were in case they petitioned for mercy on my behalf.”
“What was his answer?”
Instead of a response, Q read from the letter:
Kriminalkommissar Becker told your brother that, of course, every family is free to petition for mercy. Then Gunther contacted your public defendant but received the same answer.
Werner scoffed. “What else would they say? Those Nazis have their mind made up; there’s no backing up.”
“At least the public defendant promised to discuss the subject with the responsible people at the Reichskriegsgericht.”
“You know that he probably won’t follow through with his promise?”
“Yes, I know that.” Q nodded and silence settled in the cell.
After reading his mother’s letter again, Q said, “I will ask her not to file a plea of mercy.”
Werner’s head snapped around. “Why not?”
“It would be ineffectual.”
“You can’t give up hope. You have to be strong and believe that somehow this situation will right itself.”
“I’m not giving up, but my spirit is already beyond the confines of this world. I’m not afraid of the end anymore. What I’m afraid of is changing my sentence to lifelong imprisonment. I don’t want to put that burden on anyone. I have no place and no use in this world any longer.”
“That is not true,” Werner insisted.
“It is. And my mother will understand. Maybe she’ll even be proud of me. One day,” Q said, hoping that one day in the future his mother would come t
o understand why he had chosen to break the laws and work on the demise of this government.
“The end is near, my friend,” Werner said. “The Russians are pushing the Wehrmacht farther West every day.”
Q nodded, and the men lapsed into silence, leaving Q to think of the past.
It all started with the remilitarization after the Great War. Hitler explained it was to rectify the treaty of Versailles. And nothing would have happened if he’d stopped there. But the very moment he started his aggression against his former ally, Russia, things went down the drain.
Even without opening the Eastern front and going to war with Russia, it was a very risky undertaking to fight against the Allies.
All those sacrifices in vain again. Soldiers dying for nothing.
Some countries like Sweden and Switzerland knew that of those who came out of any war the happiest was the one who never went in.
Chapter 40
Time was slipping away, and as July dwindled and headed into August, the news coming from the outside was terror-filled for Hilde. On July twenty-fifth, the Allies had begun daily raids on Hamburg in an operation called Gomorrha. Every day the death toll rose, quickly approaching thirty thousand.
Hilde fretted and cried, and Margit had given up trying to console her until a letter from Emma arrived.
Dearest Hilde,
You have probably heard about the horrible bombings over Hamburg. The boys and I left the city immediately after the government advised all citizens to evacuate. We are now with my cousin who lives in the countryside.
Your father and Sophie remained behind because they are needed in the war effort.
I will send you a longer letter as soon as I find the time,
Your mother, Emma
Hilde gave a long sigh. “Margit, good news! Emma and my sons are safe in the countryside.”
“See, I told you they would be fine.” Margit beamed as she climbed down from the top bunk.
“I’m so thankful she took them away from Hamburg, but how hard must it be for my father and Sophie to be alone in these hard times? She should reunite with them as soon as possible. Who is more important, her husband and daughter or her grandsons?”
“That question can only be answered by higher powers than we are,” Margit answered.
“Bloody Hitler! Without him and his stupid war, none of us would be suffering now,” Hilde exclaimed.
“Shush.” Margit placed a finger over her lips. “Be careful, you never know who is listening.”
Hilde rolled her eyes. “I’m already sentenced to death, remember? There’s no need to be careful anymore.”
Both women burst into a fit of giggles at the irony of the situation. When Hilde was able to breathe again, she said, “Anyway, Emma should be with her family. It is important during these times.”
Margit frowned. “I disagree. I wouldn’t want to be with my Nazi family.”
Hilde looked at her friend with empathy. If you didn’t have a family you loved, what was worth living in your life? “Maybe I should ask Emma not to travel with Volker to Berlin, although I really, really want to see him.”
“Berlin is a horrible place right now with the constant shelling and firebombs. The Blonde Angel told me that the government might order an evacuation of the city soon.”
“I’ll bet they don’t extend that to the prisoners.” Hilde scoffed.
“Probably not. So far, the Propaganda Ministry has asked all non-working women and children to evacuate Berlin on a voluntary basis.”
“What would the guards say if we volunteered to leave the city?” Hilde giggled.
Margit joined her giggles, and for a short moment, they forgot the reality, but then Hilde sobered. “I wonder if Q’s mother has left the city. The last time she wrote me a letter, she told me that half of her one-bedroom apartment had been seized to house others whose living quarters had been bombed.”
“I can’t imagine living in such close quarters with people you don’t know.” Margit sighed theatrically, and Hilde burst into another fit of laughter.
“You mean like you and I do?” she asked her cellmate.
Margit furrowed her brows as if she had to think about the situation. Then she slowly nodded her head. “That’s different, though. Anyhow, things in Berlin are bad, and I believe they’re only going to get worse.”
***
A few days later, Hilde received a letter stamped with the Imperial Eagle carrying the Swastika.
“Oh my God, Margit, it’s from the Reichskriegsgericht,” Hilde said and held the letter in her trembling fingers. “I can’t open it.”
“Shall I help you?” Margit asked, trying to snatch the envelope from Hilde’s hands.
“No. Don’t you dare.” Hilde sat down on her bed and fumbled the letter from the court open.
In big red letters, the word Abgelehnt stared at her, and her eyes filled with tears. The sheet of paper sailed to the floor, where Margit gathered it and read it.
“Oh, Hilde, I’m so sorry. Your appeal for clemency appeal has been denied. By Hitler himself. There’s no explanation as to why. It just says this decision is final.” Margit sat down beside Hilde and wrapped her in her arms, where she cried like a baby.
“It’s dated July 21, 1943,” Hilde whispered between sobs. “It’s taken them more than a week to notify me.”
Margit held Hilde for a long time without uttering a word. She knew nothing could console her friend, whose hopes for a future had been shattered with one single word. Abgelehnt.
***
Three days later, two guards entered their cell, and Hilde jumped with terror. They have come for me.
“Gather your things,” one of them said, pointing at Margit; “you are released.”
“I’m released?” Margit almost fell from the upper bunk bed in her haste to get out of the cell before the guards changed their mind.
“Yes. Hurry.”
“I’m getting out,” Margit whispered as she hastily grabbed her few possessions. On her way out, she hugged Hilde tightly. “Don’t give up hope. Remember that the Blonde Angel said that women aren’t executed anymore.”
“Thank you for being such a good friend. Live a good life.” Hilde clung to her friend, sadness sweeping over her. How would she stay sane in here without Margit’s cheerful companionship?
The guard cleared her throat.
Hilde knew Margit’s father had arranged for her release because she’d finally agreed to put on a good face and fake remorse. She’d apologized to him for the error of her ways even while she’d discussed with her fellow prisoners how to best work in the underground to oppose the regime and help those less fortunate than she was.
“I need to leave,” Margit whispered and turned around. In the door, she squared her shoulders and walked out of the cell, out of the prison.
Freedom was hers once more.
At least one of them might survive.
Chapter 41
Q looked up from his research with surprise. Pfarrer Bernau stood in front of the small table. If Q wasn’t mistaken, his weekly visit wasn’t due for another two days.
“What brings you here, Pfarrer?” Q asked.
“I’m afraid nothing good. My colleague at your wife’s prison has told me that her clemency appeal was denied.”
Q slumped into his chair and buried his face in his palms. “This is all my fault.”
“You must stop blaming yourself. It is not your fault, and you know this.” The priest tried to console him, but Q wouldn’t listen.
“Her birthday is three weeks from now. She’ll turn thirty-one, and I won’t be with her.” It took all his self-control not to break down into tears.
The priest laid a hand on his shoulder. “Your wife knows your spirit is with her.”
“It’s not the same.” Q’s voice broke, and he had to breathe several times to gain control again. “If I had known what would happen…that I would be the reason for Hilde’s condemnation…that I would kill the one
person in this world I love the most…I would have done things differently.”
“You wouldn’t have fought against the Nazis?”
Q shook his head and tried to find the right words. “No. Of course I would still have pursued this mission, but I would have taken greater measures to protect her. Leave her. Disappear.” He paused and then questioned his last statement. “I wonder what would have been worse…breaking her heart or ending her life?”
“None of us knows what the future will hold, and we have to put our faith in God that He knows where to put us on this earth,” Pfarrer Bernau said with a solemn face.
“I was so careful and successfully kept secret the extent to which I despise the Nazis. My little talk against National Socialism here and there was nothing compared to what I really feel. But that I would destroy my most loyal friends…” Q shook his head. “I should have stopped all contacts with fellow scientists and engineers.”
“Why them?” the priest wondered.
“There’s not an engineer out there who doesn’t know some military secrets. How do you think it was so easy for me to gather intelligence? Was it possible for me to anticipate this?” Q’s chest fell with despair, and he looked at Pfarrer Bernau as if he could, by some miracle, redeem him from his guilt.
“We will never know this. God’s ways are inscrutable.”
“But these are the questions that weigh heavily on my conscience. And I’m afraid for everyone who is truly innocent even in the sense of the court. Whose only mistake has been to know me. Maybe even the good director of the Biological Reichs Institute, who let me work for the institution?” Q grew more desperate by the minute.
“You cannot burden yourself with guilt for the injustices the current regime commits. It is not your fault, and rest assured that every person has to step in front of the Last Judgment when his time has come.”
“If only the earthly court would let me testify before my death, then I would energetically and without a shadow of a doubt tell them that nobody has helped me except for my good friend and boss at Loewe, Erhard. Then my life would still be useful if I could rescue someone else with my testimony.”
Unwavering: Love and Resistance in WW2 Germany Page 16