“What makes you think the court would believe you this time? Haven’t the judges shown time and again that truth does not matter to them?” the priest asked and folded his hands.
“Erhard, my conscious and active helper, is already dead. My wife will undoubtedly follow his path,” Q growled like a wounded animal.
“That, we do not know. Just because her appeal for clemency has been denied doesn’t mean she’ll be executed. I haven’t had to accompany a woman in a long time.”
Q closed his eyes, trying to conjure up pictures of happier times. Times when he and Hilde had been together. Happy.
Her unconstrained laughter had mesmerized him before he’d even seen her for the first time. But that was history now. Q had no idea how long he’d indulged in reminiscences when the sound of someone clearing his throat brought him back to the present.
“Pfarrer Bernau, while I wished to dedicate my life to the pursuit of spiritual, cultural, and intellectual development, I had to fulfill the mundane necessity of earning money.”
The priest smiled. “I know very well that feeling.”
“At the same time, I decided early in my career to find ways to strengthen my Russian friends and weaken their enemies.”
“If we can believe the news coming from the East, Stalin is betraying the ideals that made him great.” Pfarrer Bernau furrowed his brows. “But I still tend to believe he’s the lesser of two evils. How is your experience with the Russians?”
“They were always respectful and polite. My contacts never once urged me to change my profession and pursue a career that might be of more value for them. They respected the individual, me, which is a very high good.”
“You liked these agents?”
Q nodded. “I did. The agents I met were fine people I simply had no choice but to like. We shared the same ideals and worked together for a good cause…” Q grew quiet and thought of the double agent who’d betrayed him. Even after eight months, this vicious deed stabbed at his heart. He had trusted this man – with his life. And now, not only would he pay, but so many others would too.
Chapter 42
On the morning of August 5, 1943, Hilde was transferred to Plötzensee. This could only mean one thing: her time on this earth had come to an end.
“You can write as many goodbye letters as you wish,” the guard said not unkindly as he gave her paper, pen, and ink. Then he left the cell and bolted the door.
Hilde stared at the door and then down at the paper. So many times she’d been afraid of this exact moment, but now that it had come, she was calm, even numb.
She sighed and fingered the tranquilizers her mother Annie had given her. She would use them later, after writing her letters. Because for those she needed a clear and sharp mind.
Her relationship with her mother had been complicated, but with the Grim Reaper waiting for Hilde, none of their quarrels mattered anymore. Despite all her shortcomings, Annie loved her daughter and had shown that she cared. It was time to make peace.
My beloved mother,
It is the most terrible of all things that I have to give you this heartache. I have a few hours left and am calm and composed.
Please take solace in my sweet little boys, and you also have your son. If Klaus survives this cruel war, I’m sure he will bring you only joy. My best wishes for him. He should not get involved in politics; let him take on a harmless profession like a musician or something similar.
What else shall I say? I cannot allow myself to become too soft in these hours. But how can I say something comforting?
Do not take it so heavy. I tell myself that one shouldn’t take oneself and one’s fate as important. How many must die in this war, be it at the front, or at home due to air attacks?
I count myself as one more victim of this war.
With my estate, do as you believe best. I put all decisions into your hands.
Give to those whom I liked and who liked me, and those who have been nice to us, with full hands. Give to the Dremmers for their caring for the children.
It’s so good that I have all of you who love the children so much and will care for them. I want that you see them often. That they visit you and that maybe you can go on vacations with them. Don’t spoil them too much, though.
If they could live with cousin Fanny in America later on, that would be a nice comfort for my soul.
My dearest mother, I want to thank you for everything, especially for the life you gave me. It was wonderful, and I have lived it to the fullest and enjoyed it. Please forgive me all the sorrow I caused you.
Please see that my children will never forget both of their parents. We still love them, even when we’re dead.
Goodbye. Forget all the pain and start enjoying life again – I implore you. I leave you now; you have to live on for my children. I have adored them more than anything in the world. Give them your and my whole love.
I will die thinking about my beloved Q, whose fate I share until my last breath.
Your daughter
Hilde
PS: Please greet all my good acquaintances again. I have thought about each one of them often. My best wishes to everyone. Be brave and look at life with clear, courageous eyes.
Hilde wiped a few tears from her cheeks as she signed the letter. She leaned back in her chair and thought about whom to write next. While her heart ached to tell Q how much she loved him, she would leave his letter for the last one.
She weighed the pen in her hand and stared at the grey wall in front of her. This cell was the size of a pantry and was equipped with a single chair and a table. Nothing else.
And what else could a person need who was about to cross into the beyond?
Her father and stepmother had been her pillars of support during those last eight months. They’d selflessly taken in both of her children and would now have to raise them as their own. Her heart was bleeding as she wrote her letter to them.
My beloved father and dear good mother,
Today, I must give my beloved sons into your caring hands forever. This is the hardest part for me, to have to leave my children. At least I know they are in good hands with you. I thank you so much for your help and your love for my children.
It would be wonderful if they could live with cousin Fanny after the war; it is Q’s and my biggest wish. If this does not work out for whatever reason, then I still wish that the two of them always stay together.
Please do not let them forget their parents and always keep us in good memory. Let them enjoy every moment of their lives.
For myself, I can easily leave the earthly life because I have enjoyed my life to the fullest, and I don’t have regrets for things I have done.
I go calm and composed, almost happy into my death. It shall be a consolation for you to know it will be fast and painless. Not many people can say that for themselves. We fall in this war like so many others, and you have the burden and the sorrow about our boys, but I’m sure they will bring you much happiness.
You also have two daughters who will make you happy, more than I did. Please don’t take my fate to heart, and for the sake of the children, please look with confidence into the future.
Please keep my beloved Q and me in good memory and forget the things you didn’t like about us.
I have always loved Pappa and you, Mother. Even so, I have not always been able to show it.
Goodbye, my dear parents, Julia, and Sophie.
I’m your deeply thankful daughter.
Hilde
To my sweet little Volker and Peter. Your mother kisses you in her mind and while taking her last breath.
Tears spilled down her cheeks as the cute little faces of her two boys appeared in her mind. Exhausted by raw emotions, Hilde had to take a break before tackling her last letter. When writing it, she stumbled over her words, and tears dropped onto the paper, resulting in blurs.
Her heart was torn apart with every sentence she wrote, and yet she somehow felt the absolute confidence tha
t their souls were interwoven for eternity and she would meet Q again – on the other side.
When she finished her letter, she called for the guard. He collected her last greetings, promised to bring her a meal, and asked if she wanted to talk to a priest.
Half an hour later, the Catholic priest entered the holding cell and introduced himself as Pfarrer Bernau.
“Frau Quedlin, is there anything I can do to ease your mind?” the priest asked her, seeing how hard this was for her.
“No, no. I’m prepared to leave this world behind, but…” she had to swallow back her tears before she could continue, “it’s the fate of my children that weighs heavily on my spirit. I’m going to repeat history and do the one thing I vowed I would never do – abandon my children to be raised by their grandmother.”
He placed a kind hand on her shoulder. “Don’t burden yourself with guilt. Instead, be grateful your children have family who loves them and will keep your memory alive.”
“I am grateful. I just hope that, one day, they will forgive me and understand my reasons for helping the resistance.”
“I’m sure they will, one day.” The priest looked towards the door and then lowered his voice. “Frau Quedlin, I’m in contact with your husband and will give him a message for you.”
Hilde nodded, tears filling her eyes. “Tell him I love him and death cannot change that. I will be waiting for him…” She broke off as sobs tore at her.
Pfarrer Bernau attempted to console her, but there was nothing he could say to make this any easier. He gave her the last rites and then left.
With trembling fingers, Hilde retrieved the tranquilizers her mother had given her from her pocket and swallowed them down. Her head fell on the table as she waited for them to take hold of her.
The executioners arrived some time later, after she was blessedly numb from the pills, and she followed them to the death chambers. Condemned prisoners were kept in a large cellblock building, designated House III, directly adjacent to the execution building.
She spent her final hour in shackles on the ground floor of the building known as the “house of the dead” before she was led across a small courtyard to the execution chamber, which was located in a separate two-roomed brick building.
By then, the tranquilizers had done their job, and Hilde was barely aware of her surroundings and was having trouble keeping her feet beneath her. As they laid her down on the wooden slab, she closed her eyes, bringing up the image of Q and her two boys the last time they’d all been together.
It was that thought, and the memory of Q’s voice and Volker’s laughter, that drowned out the sound of the guillotine blade as it dropped.
Hilde left this life, a half smile on her face. The Nazis might have taken her life, but they hadn’t been able to take her soul or the memories of the joy she’d found in her family.
Chapter 43
Q finished another report for the War Ministry about inventions in the technical flight area, which, in reality, were only variations on inventions that had already been made. He looked up as he heard the sound of the bolt and watched Pfarrer Bernau enter his cell. Given the late hour and the priest’s serene face, something terrible must have happened
“Pfarrer…” Q said.
“I bring bad news, Doctor Quedlin. The worst. Your wife was beheaded this afternoon.” The priest rested a hand on Q’s shoulder as tears rolled down his cheeks. “This information isn’t official yet, so you cannot show your sadness to anyone. But I had to come tell you.”
“This is all my fault.” Q felt as if a huge millstone was crushing him to shreds. Despite his knowing it might happen, the reality of her death took him by surprise.
“We’ve talked about this multiple times. Your wife knew what she was doing and made a conscious choice to fight by your side. She wouldn’t have wanted it any different.”
“No, my lack of quick-wittedness was the real reason for Hilde’s death. She was condemned because of me. It remains my hardest burden and biggest guilt that I carry around with me every single second of the day and night.”
“Your wife has forgiven you, and you should do the same,” Pfarrer Bernau said.
Q buried his face in his hands and murmured, “How can I forgive myself for killing what I loved most?”
“I accompanied your wife today, and she asked me to give you the message that she loves you and even death cannot change that.” The priest folded his hands in prayer. “Her soul is now with Him, and she suffers no more.”
Silent tears ran down Q’s cheeks. “If only I hadn’t let her type the letters–”
“There is no use wallowing in what-ifs. We don’t know what would have happened. They might have arrested her on something else; the fact of being your wife might have been enough. The court was out for revenge and not for justice. We both know this. Loving you was crime enough to receive capital punishment.”
Q nodded, knowing the priest was doing his best to offer him comfort, but his guilt threatened to eat him alive. “At least I find consolation in the fact that I will pay with my own life for this mistake.”
Pfarrer Bernau said nothing and simply sat with him for a while. When the priest left, Q slumped onto his cot, hoping to find the mercy of oblivion in his sleep.
***
Q spent an entire week in hellfire, grieving for his beloved Hilde, but forbidden to show any signs of sadness. Not even Werner knew.
On the seventh day, Q received Hilde’s last letter. He held it in his hands for long moments, inhaling the lingering smell of his late wife. He caressed the paper as if it was her soft skin, and the tears started to fall as he began reading.
My dearest Q,
The time is here, and they have come for me.
My life started the moment I met you – do you remember the film? Going Bye-Bye by Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy. I remember you and Leopold as if it was yesterday.
Your love and devotion to me has changed everything. During those nine years with you, I enjoyed every single moment of my life. I love you with every fiber of my being, and my only regret is that we didn’t have more time together. I die content because I had you and our boys.
Don’t feel guilty for my death. It was my conscious decision to stand by you, in good times and in bad times. We never took our wedding vows in front of a priest, but I always believed in the words “until death do us part.”
Q touched the paper where Hilde’s teardrops had blurred the words. Memories of their wedding appeared in his mind. The matter-of-fact ceremony at the registry office. Misleading the waiting photographers with grimaces. The party with their friends and plenty of Hungarian wine.
He smiled through his tears.
I absolve you, forgive you for every action or imprudence that might have caused my fate. We were in this together. And without you, my life wouldn’t be the same. So, in some aspect, I’m happy that I’m the first one to leave.
I wanted to live for the benefit of our boys, not for my own sake anymore. They will now have to grow up without their mother. At least I know that Emma, Annie, Ingrid, and our entire family will love them and do the best to raise them into good men. I can believe nothing else.
And I pray that by some miracle you might still find a way to survive this war to be with them.
Sometimes, I wonder what might have been if we’d received the visas for America. But it wasn’t meant to be. There was no easy way out for us, and I still believe we did the right thing.
This is goodbye, my beloved Q, but not forever. I will be waiting for you on the other side with open arms.
I love you.
Hilde
Violent sobs racked Q’s body by the time he finished reading the letter. He crushed it to his chest and rolled onto his side on the cot, crying for the loss of his wife and their future together as a family.
A curious Werner turned around from the table where he’d been working on his novel, and one look into Q’s face told him the contents of the letter.
He walked the two steps to Q’s bed and sat on the edge. “I’m so sorry, my friend.”
Chapter 44
Q fell into a frenzy of activity in the following days. With Hilde gone, he felt the sudden urge to tie up loose ends and organize his affairs.
The first secret letter went to his cousin Fanny in America.
Dear Cousin,
I assume you have already heard about our memorable fate.
Also that we recommend our children to you if the aging grandparents cannot cope with them anymore, and the circumstances in Germany become too dire, and if my friends in the USSR are not available to care for them for some reason.
Because my wife’s and my main motive has been enmity to National Socialism, you might be able to get help from your government to help you care for our children.
If one day you feel that the burden of caring for them is too much for you, please think about the fact that their parents died in their fight against an insane, inhuman anti-Semitism.
Live well! And if my sons make it through the war healthy and alive, please help them to become good citizens of a leading world empire, where they can use their abilities to the fullest.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and know that I will be forever in your debt for any kindness you show my children.
Your cousin, Q
He retrieved some of the money and stamps Annie had given him and waited for the shift of one of the guards who was known to smuggle secret messages out of prison.
It was a dangerous undertaking because the guards could get into trouble for doing so, and they required a fee for their services. Q could have asked Pfarrer Bernau, but he had vowed not to compromise another one of his friends – ever.
***
Q picked up his pen and started to write a letter to his mother. She had explicitly told him not to send any more secret messages, but today he just had to share the horrific news.
Unwavering: Love and Resistance in WW2 Germany Page 17