Noelle's Golden Christmas

by Tamie Dearen

  “It’s so awful. Please don’t hate me, Daddy.”

  “I won’t hate you, Noelle. I could never hate you. I love you more than my own life—you and your sister and brother, too.”

  “But Dad, I was a terrible person.” She took a deep shuddery breath, gathering the nerve to confess her sin. “When Lisa told me she was pregnant, I was jealous of her. I was jealous of her perfect life and everything in it. And for just a minute, I wished it weren’t true. I was envious because her success made me seem like even more of a failure. I wished she wasn’t pregnant, and now she’s going to lose the baby.”

  Noelle felt her father stiffen, and his hand stilled on her back. She waited, holding her breath, for his response. Would it be anger? Or words of comfort? The silence hung in the air until she couldn’t bear it. Pushing away, she sat up to search his eyes, hoping to gauge his reaction to her confession.

  His lips pressed together in a tight white line, while the eyes she tried to read remained closed.

  “Dad? Are you mad at me? I’m really sorry I felt that way, but it was only for a few minutes. I’m not jealous any more.” She chewed on her lip, waiting for him to say something… anything but this silence.

  He opened his eyes, but stared at the wall as he spoke. “I don’t understand you, Noelle. How did you become so selfish?”

  “I told you, I was only jealous for a few minutes,” she argued, a bit hurt that he was being so harsh.

  “That’s not the selfish part. A moment of jealousy is a normal reaction, and you didn’t let it take root.” He turned to face her, the weight of the condemnation in his eyes crushing her bones. “The selfish part is thinking everything that happens is about you, because of you, controlled by you, or caused by you. You did the same thing tonight when Gavin told us he’d broken up with Rachel.”

  “But…” She wanted to argue, yet no defense came to mind. His words rang with truth, the toll deafening in her ears.

  “I love you, Noelle, but tonight is about Lisa. Whatever happens, whether or not she loses the baby, don’t you dare say anything to her about you being the cause of it. Don’t make her feel obligated to comfort you for your imagined guilt when she’s dealing with her own stress and grief.”

  She swallowed something about the size and shape of a brick.

  “Okay. You’re right.”

  Noelle meant her whispered response with all her heart. Dropping her face into her hands, she considered for the first time how her guilt affected others around her. Feeling true remorse for her actions, she finally recognized the difference between that emotion and the false blame she’d habitually piled around herself, effectively preventing any joy from permeating her life.

  Manufactured guilt… How long had it been a central facet in her life? Since she was a teenager? Since the night her mother died? Could she ever escape it?

  Men’s voices broke into her miserable contemplation. Her father had risen from his chair, addressing the two visitors who’d arrived—James and David. Quickly averting her eyes, she felt David’s questioning gaze as readily as if he were touching her. Recalling her earlier fury at the hunky brothers who’d used her as a stepping-stone of sorts, she searched inside for the fuming core she’d fed into a burgeoning explosion. She found, to her amazement, it had dwindled to a petty annoyance of no real import.

  Reevaluating her behavior over the past month, she realized her decision to sacrifice her own happiness by returning Abby to David was one of her few truly selfless and commendable actions. If she were honest with herself, she had to admit she still cared deeply for David, despite learning his affections were feigned. True to his gentle spirit, he’d probably intended to let her down gently, to protect her from learning the truth in such a hurtful manner. In fact, he’d been attempting to do just that when events of the evening conspired against him, cutting his time short.

  She could forgive him. She needed to forgive him.

  Steeling her nerves, she lifted her gaze toward him, locking eyes. She couldn’t quite bring herself to smile, but the absence of hatred must have been all the encouragement he needed. In three long strides, he was seated beside her, his hands fidgeting in his lap as he cleared his throat.

  “Noelle, I’m really sorry,” he began, his eyebrows pinched together high on his forehead. “But—”

  “I know, David. It’s okay. I’m not angry anymore.”

  “You’re not?”

  “No. I know you were trying to explain it to me before Dad made his announcement. I’m totally giving you credit for that. Besides, you’re a really sweet guy, and I can’t ignore all the nice things you’ve done for me.”

  He scratched the back of his head, scrunching his nose. “So, we’re good, then? Because you seemed so hurt…”

  “No, I’ll be fine. It’s not like I’d actually fallen for you or anything.” She forced out a hollow laugh, suddenly determined to protect her fragile pride.

  His eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, don’t worry about me. I’ll be absolutely fine without you. I was pretending as much as you were. The whole thing was just a lark for me. I should be asking you for forgiveness, since I was the one playing a game—pitting one brother against the other.” When did I become such an adept liar?

  Nostrils flaring with some undisclosed emotion, possibly hurt or anger, he clenched his jaw. “You’re saying you never cared at all? It was all an act?”

  Noelle was still considering her answer when the double doors opened and Lisa emerged, followed by Reece who was emulating a mother hen. Lisa shook off the arm he latched around her waist, muttering, “I can walk, for goodness’ sake. You can’t carry me everywhere I go.”

  Noelle leapt to her feet, beating her father to Lisa’s side. Terrified of the answer, she didn’t ask Lisa if she’d lost the baby, instead hugging her neck and wetting it with her tears.

  “Hey,” Lisa said in her ear. “I’m okay. I didn’t lose the baby.”

  “You didn’t?” Noelle pulled back to see her face, afraid to believe her words until she saw her sister’s smile. As relief flooded her, she realized she was overjoyed for her sister, not a trace of envy remaining to mar the moment.

  “I didn’t lose the baby, but I did lose my lunch. The diagnosis was food poisoning—maybe from the sprouts I put on my deli sandwich.” A telltale pallor attested to her lingering illness.

  “I don’t know why you like that stuff, anyway. It’s like putting grass on a sandwich,” Reece teased, his concern for Lisa's health poorly concealed.

  “I have to admit, I never want to see another sprout as long as I live.” Lisa gave a weak chuckle.

  Her dad wrapped her up in a hug. “I’m so happy about the baby.”

  “This wasn’t exactly the way we planned to announce it,” said Lisa, dabbing a tissue at her eyes.

  “I’m going to get the car,” Reece announced. “Will you stay here with Lisa?”

  “Sure,” said Noelle, encouraging her sister to sit down while she waited.

  As Reece departed for the parking lot with her father and James, David sat in a chair facing Noelle and her sister.

  “I’m sorry you and Reece didn’t get a chance to make your fun surprise announcement at the Christmas party.” David leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.

  “You already knew they were pregnant?” Noelle questioned.

  David cocked his head to the side, with a shrug. “James and I have been working pretty closely with Reece this past month or so. He was so excited, he just had to tell someone, I think.”

  “You know, he doesn’t have any brothers,” Lisa added. “I think that’s how he sees the two of you.”

  With a smile at Lisa’s words, David glanced at Noelle, flinching when she caught him looking.

  “I went Christmas shopping today.” Noelle hurried to fill the awkward silence.

  “Me too,” said Lisa. “I’m so proud of myself. Wait ‘til you see what I bought for your dog. It’s so adorab
le.”

  David frowned, pinning Noelle with the blue steel of his eyes. “You have a dog? I didn’t see a dog the night we ate Chinese food at your apartment.”

  Noelle felt the blood drain from her face, and stuttered, scrambling to cover. “I… I don’t have that dog anymore, Lisa. I was only fostering her.”

  “You don’t? Oh no… are you okay?” Lisa’s eyes puddled with tears.

  Those stupid pregnancy hormones! She’s going to give me away.

  “Of course, I’m okay,” Noelle insisted. “I was just keeping a shelter dog at the house for a few days.”

  “Is that part of what you do as a shelter volunteer?” asked David, his tone indicating his skepticism.

  “Yeah. Sometimes the shelter runs out of room, and I’ll take a dog home and bring him back when space opens up. I do it all the time.”

  Lisa shook her head. “No you don’t. You’ve never brought one home before. And anyway, you were in love with that dog. I even told Reece I was jealous because you loved her more than me. What was her name again?”

  “Oh! That’s my cell phone vibrating,” Noelle cried, digging in her purse and snatching out her phone to hold it to her ear. “Hello? Nancy? Oh, sure. I can probably sub for you. Let me check my calendar.” She sent an apologetic look to David and Lisa. “Excuse me, I really need to talk to Nancy about work stuff.” Holding the silent cell phone against her face, she faked the rest of the conversation as she made her way toward the exit. She was grateful when Reece appeared at the door to snatch Lisa away before she said anything else to blow Noelle’s cover.

  Noelle hurried across the well-lit parking lot to her car, the frigid air making her breath come out in white clouds. Fighting a sharp pang of conviction over her web of lies, she attempted to rationalize her behavior as she whispered a prayer. “I’m sorry, God, but I had to lie. I was only protecting David so he wouldn’t feel bad for taking Abby back.” For some strange reason, the explanation didn’t seem to fly, even though the reasoning seemed sound when she first planned the subterfuge. “Okay, Lord. Okay. I promise I won’t lie any more. Ever.” She shivered as she started her car. “Unless I absolutely have to.”

  *****

  “Happy Birthday!” Lisa showed up on her doorstep with a steaming cup of coffee.

  “Lisa, it’s early,” Noelle groaned as she opened the door, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

  “Yes, but you’re going to spend the day with your family. No pouting about having a Christmas Eve birthday this year. You’re coming to my house, and we’re going to watch sappy romantic movies, eat homemade chocolate chip cookies and drink milk.”

  “I have to admit that sounds fun. But what’s the catch?”

  “Catch? Why do you think there’s a catch?” Lisa’s too-high, fake-innocent tone gave her away.

  “I don’t think… I know. Tell me what’s going on.”

  “It’s possible I haven’t wrapped any of my Christmas presents and I need your help.”

  Noelle rolled her eyes. “That’s no big deal. Don’t I always help you wrap presents?” Present-wrapping was the one part of Christmas at which Noelle had always excelled. She loved coming up with fun, creative ways to adorn the packages. “As long as there aren’t too many gifts, I don’t mind.”

  “It’s also possible that Dad’s bringing his gifts to wrap as well.”

  “So much for not having too many gifts,” Noelle groaned. Her dad always had tons of presents, even though they had a small family. Noelle couldn’t wait until her father had a grandchild to spoil at Christmas.

  *****

  The second movie had just begun—An Affair to Remember, which Noelle and Lisa had seen so many times they had large parts of it memorized. Her father and Reece had been in what appeared to be serious-conference-mode for at least an hour.

  “Do you know what’s going on?” Noelle asked Lisa, pointing toward the men with her chin. “Dad doesn’t usually work during the holidays.”

  Lisa’s forehead wrinkled. “I don’t know all the details, but there seems to be a problem with David Christian’s promotion.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know, but they’ve been talking in hushed tones about who else they could possibly promote, since David won’t be in that position.”

  “I can’t believe it!” Noelle dropped her scissors on the table. “Dad’s actually punishing him for something he had no control over.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m going to do something I should have done a long time ago,” Noelle pronounced, ignoring Lisa and marching toward her father with her hands on her hips, ready to do battle.

  “Dad, I think you’re a ridiculous, meddling, old fart. There’s no reason David shouldn’t be promoted just because he didn’t make a relationship work out with me.”

  Reece’s eyes were wide and surprised, but her father turned to her with a cool, knowing expression.

  “Is that so?”

  “Yes, Dad. That’s so. How did you think I’d react when I discovered you’d actually bribed men to date me, offering a promotion in your company? I have my pride you know.”

  Though the blood vessels pulsed on the sides of his head, her father didn’t reply.

  Noelle’s heart pounded, but she kept going, knowing she’d never have the courage to speak the truth if she stopped now. “Of course, I broke off the relationship, such as it was. Not that David had any real feelings for me, but he was extremely nice and thoughtful. He’s smart and ethical and hardworking—just the kind of man you need to head a new division, whether or not we ever have a relationship. You just can’t force that kind of thing. Frankly, I’m shocked and disappointed you’d interfere where you had absolutely no business sticking your nose in.”

  Lisa, who had joined Reece, stared with an expression of shock mirroring her husband’s. It was quite apparent Reece hadn’t been privy to her father’s diabolical plan.

  “Are you quite finished?” asked her father, his face so red it looked like it might explode.

  “Yes.” Noelle punctuated the word with a nod of her chin.

  “Thank you so much for your ignorant, but enlightening speech.”

  Ignorant, but enlightening? How dare he!

  “Now perhaps you can explain why David Christian resigned from his division-head position right after I announced it, claiming it was the only possible way he had a chance to be with you.”

  What?

  Her father paused, raising his brows. “Well?”

  “I don’t know… Maybe he’s trying to make me think you didn’t offer the promotion in exchange for dating me.”

  “Let me get this right.” Her father’s voice shook with anger. “You think I’m the kind of man who would pawn off his daughter to an unethical man pretending feelings for her in order to win a promotion?”

  “Uhmm…”

  “And you think David wanted a promotion so badly he would start a fake relationship with you and then throw the promotion away after it was in his hands?”

  “Uhmm…”

  “As I said,” he continued, with his eyes squinted into small furious slits. “At least you’ve enlightened us. Now we know exactly why we lost the guy we spent thousands of dollars and countless hours recruiting and prepping for this position.”

  “But…” She gasped for air, wondering where all the oxygen had gone. Stumbling backward, she found a chair and sank into it. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  “Because,” he spat, “I’m such a ‘ridiculous, meddling old fart’ I kept my nose out of it. I thought it should be between the two of you, and if the Lord wanted you together it would happen.”

  Noelle’s swimming head and churning stomach made her wonder if she might’ve developed a sudden case of food poisoning like her sister had experienced.

  She felt a warm hand pushing her hair back from her forehead and blinked hard, Lisa’s face coming into focus.

  “Back off, Dad!” Lisa scolded. “Ca
n’t you see she’s in love with him? People do stupid stuff when they’re in love. And they say things they don’t mean.”

  “I’m not… I can’t be in love with him.” Noelle’s voice sounded like it came from someone else’s body.

  “You can claim you don’t love him all you want, but I just watched you stand up and defend him to Dad. You’ve never done that before… not even with Carl.”

  “No.” Her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth her like cotton. “No, I was careful. I guarded my heart because I knew it wouldn’t last. I’m not in love with David.”

  “Then why did you lie about Abby?”

  Lisa knows about Abby! As panic surged through Noelle’s system, setting her heart pounding, she gaped at her sister.

  Lisa’s answering smile was smug. “I figured it out, you know, at the hospital the other night, after you left. When David told me about his dog and said her name was Abby, I remembered her name and knew what you’d done.”

  Grabbing Lisa’s arm, she squeezed, digging her nails into the skin. “You didn’t tell him, did you?”

  “Ow!” Lisa pulled away from Noelle’s freaked-out grasp. “No, I didn’t tell him. I assumed you had a good reason for lying about it. So tell me… why did you do it?”

  Suddenly aware that both Reece and her father were intent on their conversation, Noelle’s cheeks burned with embarrassment.

  “I…” She swallowed a gulp of air. “I thought David might not take her back if he realized I had her and I’d already gotten attached. Either that, or he’d keep her but feel really awful about it. David’s so sweet—he deserved to have Abby back and be happy about it.”

  “What about you? Don’t you deserve to be happy?” Lisa’s voice dropped low.

  “Not really.” Noticing cold air on her face, Noelle touched her cheek, surprised to find it wet with tears. She turned to face her father, ashamed at her earlier outburst.

  “Dad, I’m sorry for what I said. All I ever wanted was to make you proud of me.”

  His glare had already softened. “Little angel, I’ve always been proud of you. Don’t you know that?”