Bad Days

by A. S. Kelly

  My parents have a good relationship despite their separation, and I’m lucky for that. Dad understood, he understands everybody.

  He’s such a good guy he never gets mad at anybody, even if they hurt his feelings. The only things that exist in his world are me and his Coffee Shop business, now owned by the third generation in this family, even though I think we’ll be the last to run it. After all, there’s no one else to leave it to.

  As far as I’m concerned, I’m fine with what I’ve got. I don’t have big plans for the future, it’s enough for me to have this job and my daily activities free of trauma.

  I don’t expect much. I don’t have hopes of meeting a man, having my own family, traveling or anything else that goes beyond the ordinary things in life.

  I live waiting for something to happen, aware that things could all fall apart suddenly.

  I am alive, but I’m not living, I’m a spectator of others’ lives and can’t do anything but wait day after day, all I can do is just wait for the last day to come.

  2

  JASON

  My father is doing his best to get close to me and I should appreciate it, but it feels like I just can’t. I’m still pissed off.

  I don’t think this feeling will ever pass.

  I’m mad at him, at the world. Sometimes I surprise myself that I’m angry even with my mom, who of course, I shouldn’t be. It’s irrational, I realize.

  It’s not her fault what happened, but I can’t seem to forgive her for abandoning me.

  I can’t carry a grudge with someone who is no longer here, and so I take it out on him, even if he is not responsible for her death, but he’s the only one left and I don’t have anyone else to hate.

  He’s the one who got me started in music. I was maybe four years old when he put his guitar in my hands.

  That was our way of communicating, seeing as he was never very good at the traditional method of using words.

  My mother would watch us, smiling to herself. She was always smiling. I never saw her unhappy, not even once. He didn’t seem like such a bad father as long as she was there to watch over everything—to make sure we were communicating, that he showed interest in me and forced himself to be present.

  My mom told me about Dad’s experience growing up in his family, the life of solitude that he lived until the time they had met.

  She wanted me to comprehend that it wasn’t all his natural character, but I was too young to understand that then, even if she did try to explain it in simple and loving terms that not all families are the same and sometimes mistakes are made, but that it doesn’t mean one can’t make a change for the better some day. And she believed that my father was better.

  I’m not so convinced.

  One ordinary morning when she didn’t open her eyes, Dad fell to his knees, hands in his hair—broken with the desperation, the scream he wasn’t able to suppress.

  I remained in silence behind him and watched him sink into obscurity, instant by instant.

  I was the first one to realize that she was dead. It had been months that she was sleeping downstairs to avoid climbing the stairs to go to her room. We had set up a bed in the living room where I could stay next to her on the couch. I would stay up watching her most of the night.

  We knew they were her last weeks, and I didn’t want to leave her even for a moment. I wanted to watch over her, to be there in case something irreparable happened.

  That damned night, however, I was so exhausted that I just passed out and when I woke up, she had simply gone.

  There was nothing I could do; but I wasn’t able to say goodbye, to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her.

  From that moment everything has only gotten worse and there has never been love in our family, no smiles, no light. All this has been going on for five long years.

  Now he wants to make it right and I’m obligated to give him a chance, even if I’m not sure he deserves it. I have to do it for him and for me because we are all that is left. I have to do it for her too. She never would have wanted this for us.

  I push open the door of Only4You, the pub my friends and I opened up three years ago so as to give us some kind of income after our dreams of becoming musicians were laid to rest forever because of an accident.

  We were a band at the beginning of our career, and were already famous in Ireland.

  We had a new contract waiting to be signed, a promising future finally ahead of us—the big jump. But the road never is what you expect it will be, or how you hope it will be. And on one summer night, it all ended for us.

  Brothers Liam and Neil had a car accident. Rain, Aaron’s sister and Neil’s girlfriend, was also in the vehicle. Neil died, Rain lost her memory and was unwell for a very long time, and Liam left town.

  There were just the three of us left: me, Aaron and Patrick. We had to take care of Rain and try and put the pieces of our lives back together. Our dream was destroyed, the press was all over us, and so we decided to invest the money we had in this pub and a house for us to live in here in Howth, a city by the sea in the middle of nowhere, far from Dublin, with its chaos and its people.

  We set aside our dream to have the chance of a quiet life full of peace for Rain, who took nearly two years to get better. I don’t regret our decision. We all found a reason to go on and now that Liam is back and has found love, I have to say we’re all doing pretty well.

  The pub is already open and I head straight to the bar counter for another night’s work when Aaron calls me and asks me to meet him in the back.

  “Hey, Aaron, need a hand?”

  “No, I’m alright, I just wanted to…talk.”

  “Talk? Something wrong? Is Rain okay?”

  “Yes, Rain is fine. She’s with…she’s with Alex. She’s come back to Dublin.”

  I force myself to smile and pretend to be happy about the news. I know she comes occasionally to see her father, but I’ve always tried to avoid face-to-face contact with her.

  “Have you…uh, you know, seen her? Are you going to?”

  Alex. My Alex.

  I shake my head and sit down on a crate of beer.

  “She’d be happy to see you.”

  I don’t think so, friend, I really don’t.

  “She’s at her father’s anyway. In case you…Oh come on, years have gone by, don’t you think it’s time to face this thing?”

  Five fucking years to be exact.

  No, I’m not sure I’d be able to face it.

  “It’s not just that she’s here visiting Jay. She’s come back to live here and she’s going to be going out with Rain. They need to make up for lost time now that Rain is better. I don’t think you’ll be able to avoid her for very long.”

  I let out a sigh and take my time before responding, trying to ignore my accelerating heartbeat.

  “Maybe I should…yeah, say hello,” I say, not convinced.

  “Say hello?” Aaron shakes his head. “Ah Jay.” He gives me a friendly pat on the back, before leaving me alone to face the memories that eat away at my heart.

  I shouldn’t get close to her, I don’t want to hurt her anymore.

  I can’t do it, I keep telling myself and I feel a strange agitation rising in me, a nervous mix of excitement because, for as much as I swore to myself I’d stay away from her, for however hard I’ve tried not to think about her all these years, and how I’ve actively tried to forget about her, she’s still here, running in my veins, bringing oxygen to my heart.

  —

  ALEX

  I went to go meet Rain at Only4You, the pub where she and the guys work. She’s free tonight and so we decided to go there to spend some time together.

  We met as young girls, we were neighbors. We all were. Rain was my best friend along with Jason. She hasn’t had an easy time of it after the accident and the death of her boyfriend, Neil. She lost her memory and carries serious consequences which, unfortunately, will not allow her to take up her life where she left off, to go back
to teaching and to one day start a family of her own.

  But she’s strong and is getting better and now that Liam is back everything is improving. He’s always loved her and although things were on the verge of dragging all of us back in the darkness and suffering, he’s by her side now and he makes her happy and I am happy for them. The pub really brought them together: first through friendship and then love, so Liam has much more than a life in music could have given him.

  “What do you think about that guy down there? He comes in three times a week, he doesn’t seem like one of those hopeless drunks…maybe just a part-time easy to manage drunk,” Rain asks me.

  “The product does not interest me, madam.” I sigh, taking a sip of my stupid diet coke.

  She looks at me and I can see the compassion in her eyes, and I hate it.

  “Stop it,” I say, a bit harsher that I intended. “You know it’s impossible for me…”

  “Oh come on, Alex. Sooner or later you’re going to have to try again.”

  “You want to see me dead?”

  Rain goes dark in the face and starts playing with her straw.

  She doesn’t like hearing me talk about death, especially when it’s an excuse for me to refuse to do something. I shouldn’t do it. It’s cruel of me to play with her feelings or anyone else’s, but sometimes it’s the only way I have to show people that I don’t need anything and that my life is fine the way it is.

  “I just wish you didn’t miss out on everything,” she adds sadly.

  “I’m fine, Rain. I have everything I need.”

  “And what else do you have? Books?”

  Books are the only think that give me a healthy, enjoyable emotion that is both necessary and something I’m able to face.

  It’s through novels that I can live a thousand lives, a thousand loves, a thousand betrayals and broken hearts without having to break my own or someone else’s. My books are my refuge, my hiding place, my grounding anchor. I never feel alone with them and I feel like I’ve got a life too.

  I nod in acknowledgement. Sometimes it’s harder for people that love me to accept my condition than it is for me. I’m used to it and live with it.

  I’m fine.

  I have to be.

  Rain tells me about Liam, how they live together with the guys and how happy he makes her. I smile at her and slowly, with a few difficulties and dreamy eyes and a voice heavy with emotion, she tells me about her life now. But the conversation is interrupted suddenly. Rain sits up straight on her stool and starts drumming her fingers around her glass as she tries to avoid eye contact with me.

  I turn slowly and realize that Aaron is walking into the pub with Liam and someone else, someone that I’m not ready to face.

  He’s in shape and I can see how sculpted he is under his fitted T-shirt. He’s got long, blond rebellious hair. He raises his glance to meet mine and I’m back in time five years, back to that afternoon in my bedroom before my whole world came to a standstill and my life took quite a different turn.

  Bewitching, seductive, sensual and tormented.

  Dangerous.

  He comes towards us, keeping his distance within the group, and I can’t see anyone but him in this pub full of people and the light that he emits and that is hitting me full on, sending my heart into fibrillations.

  And I know I shouldn’t feel this way.

  My hands start shaking as I try to hide how I’m feeling. I bring one to my chest to make sure it goes back to beating normally. I sure wouldn’t want to go into shock here, in front of everyone.

  In front of him.

  I stand up straight and try to concentrate on my pulse. I grab my wrist to check it, but I’m not able to keep count.

  I get up suddenly and tell Rain I need to use the washroom. She makes to go with me but I’ve already distanced myself.

  Once I’ve got the door closed behind me, I rinse my face repeatedly, trying to get back my control. I look at myself in the mirror and realize there’s not really much to fear.

  My face is pale, almost skeletal. My eyes almost bulge due to my excessive thinness and are marked by heavy purple lines that bear witness to my physical appearance.

  My shoulders jut out from the fitted tank top I wear over a pair of jeans that are too big for me and that fall low on my hips, leaving my midriff uncovered. On my feet I have a pair of gym shoes that don’t exactly show me off—all one meter and fifty-two centimeters and forty-eight kilograms of me.

  What have I got to worry about?

  Nothing could happen to my stupid heart.

  Nothing.

  3

  JASON

  I let myself get talked into it by Aaron and decided to just face this situation. I’m not convinced it’s such a good idea, but I know sooner or later I will run into her and I have to be honest—now that I know she’s here, I need her. I want to know how she’s doing and I want her to be the one to tell me.

  I can do this, I tell myself, even if that’s not absolutely true.

  The pub is jammed full like it is most nights and the girls here are abundant and I think in different circumstances I could even look around a bit. I’m not a fucking bastard, let’s get that straight. I like girls and their company, but I do keep away from making ties, being tied down is not for me.

  I don’t lead anyone on, I’m always clear from the beginning. I enjoy staying with them until things get too intimate.

  I can’t let myself get caught up in some story to get crushed by it. I can’t let myself suffer. I can’t allow my heart to be torn in two.

  I don’t want to end up like my old man.

  Aaron leads the way and indicates a table.

  “There’s Alex,” he says in my ear.

  Alex.

  Hearing her name immobilizes me instantly when I’m just a few steps away from her. I wait for her to lift her gaze from the table at which she’s staring and when she finally decides to raise her chin, giving me a shy smile, it’s a miracle my heart doesn’t splatter right there on the pavement.

  “A-Alex,” I stutter.

  Perhaps that’s what I say. Or maybe I don’t say anything.

  I’m not really sure it’s even my voice.

  Just a second is enough for me: our eyes meet and I’m back to being that desperate boy who had just lost his mother and tried to drown his pain in the arms of his best friend.

  I’ve tried not to think about her for five years, to hide the painful memory in the darkest corner of my mind, hoping that slowly it would become something vaguely bearable.

  Illusion.

  Five years down the toilet.

  I’d like to take her by the hand and draw her to me and hug her and let her know everything’s alright, that’s it’s still me, Jason, her best friend, and that I’ve missed her more than the air I breathe, but the truth is I’m afraid to even touch her.

  She gets up before I can decide to make the first move. She mutters something incomprehensible and I understand she’s about to leave and realize that I can’t let her go this way.

  I have to do something now, before it’s too late.

  “Alex, wait, I’ll go with you!” I yell after her, but she’s already out the door.

  I follow her and head outside before she can escape.

  “Alex, please! Stop!”

  I spot her about fifty meters away from me, I can see that she’s trudging slowly and she’s winded. I hurry to reach her, I take her by the arm and turn her around. Her face is pale, much too pale I think, and I’m afraid I’ve already triggered some crisis that can’t be fixed.

  “Don’t come close to me, you’re dangerous.”

  In one instant she breaks my heart all over again.

  I close my eyes and hold them tightly shut, as if that were enough to placate this physical pain that’s spreading all over my body at an impressive rate of speed. As if closing my eyes was enough to block out these memories that are assaulting me at this moment, ready to torture me and take me down.
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br />   I touch her hand gently before pulling her to me, hoping not to make her fall apart. While I’m hoping that I don’t fall apart.

  I need to feel that she’s really here, in one way or another, really here with me. To feel her close again, just for a second.

  I pull her against me and hug her just slightly, afraid of crushing her frail body. She’s so small and fragile that I feel as if I could put her in my pocket.

  “I’ve missed you…”

  It’s my heart speaking. It’s already taken control over the rest of me. She lets herself go and rests her head on my chest. I’m nervous that she can hear my accelerated heart beating and run away again, just so as to not face this.

  “We can’t be this close,” she tells me as she hugs me as hard as she can.

  “I’m sorry, Alex, for what I did to you.”

  She breaks our embrace slowly and I feel like someone has sucked the oxygen out of my lungs. She looks at me with her sad lifeless eyes and my heart refuses to beat a for few seconds.

  “It wasn’t your fault, you couldn’t have known. No one did. Huh, maybe I should thank you. If it hadn’t been for you, it might have happened in another moment in another place and they wouldn’t have been able to help me.”

  I know she doesn’t really think that, she’s not thankful to me at all. I’m certain she would have preferred to find out differently and perhaps not to have been saved.

  “I’ll take you to your car, let’s go.”

  Reluctantly she accepts and starts walking toward the end of the car park. I close the distance between us and try to take her hand again but she draws back sharply.

  “Don’t touch me, okay? Don’t do it.”

  “Alex…”

  “I’m serious, Jason. Don’t get close to me or I might not get out alive this time.”