The Consequences of Forever (Lainey)

by Kaitlyn Oruska

  I thought back to January, the shock of learning the secret he’d kept from me for so long, and let it wash over me again. It still hurt, when I thought about it, and sometimes it was hard not to. It wasn’t the fact that this had happened to Adam once before, necessarily, as it was that he’d kept it from me, but I was getting over it. We were going to make it. Of that, I was sure.

  “I don’t think I’m mad at Nora anymore,” I said suddenly.

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s worth the energy. I mean, I kind of stopped being mad a long time ago, so it’s better to say I’m not upset at all anymore. If she were ever really there for me, if she ever felt any sort of commitment to me as her daughter, she’d still be here right now.” I didn’t want to add that logic to Lila; that still hurt too much. “But she isn’t, so that means maybe she never really was.”

  “I think she just doesn’t know how to deal with it all,” Adam replied. “I don’t know Nora as well as you do, or did, but it seems like whenever things get off track of the way she wants them, she’s done with the situation.”

  “That’s true,” I replied, realizing it for the first time. Maybe she and my dad weren’t so different from one another, after all. “I wonder if she’ll do that with my dad.”

  “Do you want her to?”

  It was a simple question; but I didn’t know the answer to it. In all honesty, I was afraid of what would happen if their marriage didn’t survive. Hannah truly seemed to believe this sudden summer vacation was designed to keep their relationship intact, but maybe it wouldn’t be enough. I didn’t even know if Nora knew about my father’s infidelities, if she’d ever even suspected them. And judging by my dad’s consistent absence, I had no way of knowing if they weren’t continuing, with someone else.

  “If he’s cheating on her again, then maybe. As much as I don’t really like Nora anymore, I don’t think anyone deserves to live a lie. But I’m afraid that if she does find out, and she leaves, that he’ll leave, too. There’s nothing left holding him here, once she’s gone.”

  As much as that hurt, it was true. Bella Vista wasn’t his dream; he might pretend that it was, but it wasn’t. He’d given up on me the second I’d stopped being the predictable daughter that took care of herself and everyone else around her. Nora was the only thing keeping him grounded, and once that was gone, if it ever was, he’d have nothing left. No reason to stay, no reason to continue the most normal life he’d had since leaving his first wife and son behind.

  “Do you really think he’d do that again? I mean, he got caught the first time.”

  “Yeah,” I answered. “I do. And he only got caught by me, and I told no one but you and Julia, so that won’t count to him. If I know my dad at all, that won’t count.”

  “That’s a shame,” Adam remarked, and it was.

  “She looked like my mom, now that I think of it.”

  “Who?”

  “Teagan. She looked a lot like Lila. Everything but the eyes, at least.” No one could have those eyes but Lila.

  Adam considered it for a moment, and I felt him begin to nod slowly. “You’re right,” he agreed. “Do you think that was why?”

  “Partly. I know my mom was the love of his life, whether he’d be willing to admit that on any given day or not. But I don’t think Teagan’s resemblance had all that much to do with it. He would have found someone else, eventually. Nora isn’t the person for him.”

  “Then why stay with her?”

  “Stability, security. I don’t know; all the things he’s never been able to have before. He ran away from it in Delaware, and tried for it with my mom, but that didn’t work. Nora is the perfect match for him, but he isn’t looking for the perfect match.” I sighed. “I’m tired of analyzing my father. I don’t think I should have to.”

  “You don’t,” he agreed. “And you shouldn’t.”

  “What do you think Harper will think of us someday; when she’s old enough to realize our mistakes and everything we went through just to bring her into this world?”

  “I don’t know if I want to think that far ahead, Lainey. She isn’t even really here yet.”

  “I know, but I wonder sometimes. I wonder if she’s going to think we were really brave, or really stupid. Maybe even both.”

  “It would depend on her personality, the way she sees the world.”

  “I hope she sees it better than I ever have,” I admitted, my voice solemn. “I hope she realizes she has every possible opportunity out there, that nothing is impossible.”

  “The same goes for you, Lainey.”

  “Maybe,” I replied, not believing it.

  Maybe at one point, I would have. But like Adam, I was beginning to see that sometimes dreams had to take a step back, to make room for responsibility, for family. Maybe I wouldn’t become the investigative journalism I’d always wanted to be, or a criminal profiler, a secret dream I’d never revealed to anyone.

  “I’ll make all your dreams come true,” he promised. “No matter what.”

  I felt security in his words, and closed my eyes, suddenly feeling too relaxed to move. I felt Harper kick lightly, bringing me back to reality, just a little.

  “I know you will,” I said, believing him in a way I’d never been able to believe anyone before. “I know you will.”

  Chapter Forty-Six

  The last week of school went by in a blur. Seniors completed their finals with the rest of the school earlier in the week, and by Friday, most of the kids that didn’t have to be there weren’t.

  Hannah, Scott and I were some of the few, and instead of being sent to our regular classrooms, the fifty or so students that showed up were sent to the auditorium, where movies were played on a big projector until the final bell rang. Seniors were excused for the day, in order to do whatever they needed to do to prepare for graduation the next day.

  We were excused for nothing more than bathroom breaks and a thirty minute lunch period in the cafeteria, through which Scott and I mostly spoke to each other. Hannah was quiet, but she’d been quiet all week. I tried not to be too concerned about her, knowing that whatever was bothering her was most likely related to Nolan and whatever happened or didn’t happen on prom night. She would tell me when she wanted me to know.

  As far as I knew, the plans to leave on vacation right after Mason’s wedding the next week were still intact, meaning her time with Nolan was coming to a quick close. That couldn’t be easy to deal with, so it would make sense for her to be upset over it.

  It wasn’t until after lunch, when we were settled back in the auditorium to watch yet another boring movie, that I realized it was a lot more.

  “Are we still on for tonight?” I whispered to her, my eyes focused on the stern-looking teacher who was in charge of making sure no one tried to make a grand escape.

  “What?” She whispered back, her eyes focused on the screen.

  “Tonight,” I repeated. “With Adam and Nolan?” We’d made plans a few weeks ago to go out and celebrate, the four of us, the night before graduation. I’d found myself actually looking forward to it. It had been a while since we did anything together as a foursome; the last time was before Hannah and Nolan had become official, actually.

  Something crossed Hannah’s face that I couldn’t decipher. She shook her head slightly. “No.”

  “No?” I repeated, as if I’d misheard her. “Why?”

  “Because we broke up.”

  My stomach dropped. Why hadn’t I known about this? Adam hadn’t mentioned anything, and there was no way he would just not tell me.

  “What? When?”

  “Tuesday,” Hannah replied.

  “You never said anything.”

  “I didn’t feel like it.” She was still staring straight ahead, avoiding my eyes. I wondered if she were trying really hard to not show any emotion, which wasn’t like Hannah at all. I was concerned, to say the least.

  “Are you okay?” I asked.

  “
Yeah, I’m fine. It was my decision.”

  I didn’t know what was more shocking. The fact that Hannah and Nolan had broken up days ago and she hadn’t bothered telling me, or the fact that she was the one who ended things. She had wanted Nolan for nearly two years now, since before I was even aware Adam existed. She had pursued him and in the end, she’d gotten him. What could possibly make her want to end that?

  “Why?” I asked, fully aware that maybe I was prying, but not caring. I needed to make sure Hannah was okay, and even though she claimed she was, I wasn’t buying it.

  “It wasn’t right,” she answered, as if were really as simple as that. “My heart just wasn’t in it anymore.”

  “But prom night? You never even told me what happened.”

  “We had sex.” She finally turned and looked at me, and there was blankness in her eyes, something missing. “We went to the hotel he’d rented a room at, had sex, and then when it was over, I felt nothing. I wasn’t even sad, Lainey.”

  “Were you supposed to be?”

  “Weren’t you?”

  I thought back to that night in July, the too-hot room, Adam too close, and realized that after, I had been sad. “Yeah,” I admitted. “But I didn’t want to be.”

  “I didn’t think I did, either, but it would have been better than feeling nothing. I should have felt something, Lainey. But there was nothing at all.”

  “Maybe you just haven’t registered it yet,” I offered. It didn’t really make sense, but I felt the need to say something, offer some sort of explanation.

  She rolled her eyes at me. Finally, a hint of Hannah. “I registered it, Lainey. I mean, it’s not like anything was wrong with the actual act. It was just afterwards. I was, I don’t know, disappointed? Like I thought it would be better than that, mean more than that, and it didn’t. Plus he fell asleep right away, and stayed asleep until the next morning. I just laid there and stared at the ceiling.”

  “So you broke up with him?” I knew Hannah had a tendency to be temperamental, but this seemed like a bit much, even for her.

  She shrugged. “It’s not like that wasn’t inevitable, anyway. He’s going away to college, and we don’t even get the summer together before he leaves.”

  “But you’re going to California at the end of the trip, aren’t you?” I pressed. All I’d gathered from the trip plans was that they’d fly to somewhere in northern Washington state, rent an RV, and spend the summer driving down the coast.

  “Yeah, but I’m not going to go an entire summer without him, just to see him for two seconds in California at the end. You know how my mom is. She’d never allow us to have a minute alone.”

  “I guess,” I reluctantly agreed. “But are you sure about this? I thought you wanted things to get really serious with him.”

  She sighed. “I’m sixteen. I don’t want to be serious about anything. I mean, I liked Nolan for a long time, but now I kind of feel like it was more the chase than the real thing, you know? Things changed after he started to like me back. I didn’t feel like I’d won anything.”

  I wanted to tell her that falling in love wasn’t about winning anything, but then I realized I might not even know what I was talking about. I’d had my doubts, too. There were plenty of times when I wondered if Adam and I were still together because of the way we’d felt during the summer, or if it was because we’d made an accidental commitment. Though our situations were different, I could understand where Hannah was coming from.

  “I just don’t want to see you hurt,” I said softly.

  She smiled over at me and nodded. “I know, and I’m not. I mean, it sucked because I’m never going to get my first time back, but sometimes I think all that stuff about losing your virginity is overrated, anyway. It’s not like I’m a different person now that I’ve had sex. I just know things I didn’t know before, and I guess I understand myself a little better because of it.”

  I tried to remember if I’d felt the same way, but couldn’t. It happened, and that was that. It continued happening because once the first time was over, it only seemed to make sense for all the other times to follow after. I realized that for all my intelligence, maybe I wasn’t always as smart as I gave myself credit for.

  “As long as you’re okay,” I said, reaching for her hand. She squeezed it and smiled. It was a somewhat sad smile, but there was Hannah in there, I could see it.

  “I am,” she promised. “I’m always going to be okay.”

  I glanced over at Scott, who was seated on the other side of me, pretending he wasn’t listening. But the expression in his eyes revealed he’d heard every word, and I forced back a laugh. Poor Scott. He’d been dragged along for everything that had happened in the past year, the good, the bad, and the plain crazy, and chances were, he wasn’t done yet.

  He finally looked at me, a small smile on his lips. “I think I need to get some friends that are guys,” he whispered to me, just loud enough for me to hear. “Being friends with two girls has just gotten way too interesting. I don’t think I can handle it anymore.”

  “Well, Nolan is going away soon, so Adam is on the market for a new best friend,” I offered, only half-joking. They had gotten along the few times they’d been together this past year, and maybe it was selfish of me, but I wanted to see them become friends, to know that my past mistakes wouldn’t be around forever.

  “I don’t know about all that,” Scott said with a slight smile. “I’m going on vacation next week, anyway.”

  “Georgia?” I asked.

  He nodded. “Yep, Georgia. Two weeks this time, instead of just one.”

  “That sounds fun,” I said softly, remembering last year. I hadn’t been all too sad to see him go that time, but this time, strangely enough, I was.

  “I hope you have fun.”

  He looked at me and smiled, this time a full one, and nodded his head once.

  “Yeah, I think I will. I’ll be thinking of you, though, since I probably won’t be around when you give birth. Maybe I can meet Little Hannah when I get back?”

  “Harper,” I corrected him. “We’re naming her Harper.”

  “That’s a nice name. Harper…?”

  “Montgomery.” The discussion hadn’t advanced since that night we’d gotten into an argument about it, but it hadn’t needed to. I knew who Harper’s family was, and she deserved to have their last name.

  “Harper Montgomery,” Scott repeated. “Any middle names?”

  “We haven’t decided yet.” Adam had mentioned giving her my middle name, that was a tradition in his family, but I’d declined. My father had chosen mine, and now it only seemed like the first in a lifetime of bad decisions. I didn’t want Harper carrying that burden.

  “Hannah is always good,” Hannah spoke up from my other side. “It doesn’t really flow, but hey, it has meaning.”

  We all laughed, and for a split second, it felt like old times. The three of us. Nostalgia washed over me, and I relaxed back into the uncomfortable auditorium seat, my eyes focused ahead, a smile on my lips.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  The day of graduation was sunny, like the perfect post-card day. The perfect day to end one chapter in your life, and begin another.

  Hannah made the decision to go with us, even though she and Nolan apparently hadn’t spoken since the breakup. She’d admitted to me later the night before that he hadn’t taken the break up well, that he’d actually been planning on continuing their relationship after the move. Hannah seemed surprised by this, but not full of regret. There was something different about her, like something had changed, shifted. Maybe things were worse at home than I’d thought.

  Greg came down the morning of graduation, which surprised me, even though maybe it shouldn’t have. He and Adam had left things off badly back during winter break, but they were still family. That was something I had yet to fully grasp, that even when things were bad between family members, it didn’t mean you had to end things completely.

  Mason was my only
hope. That was the thought that came to me as I was getting ready, Adam having already left with Nolan an hour before. The Montgomerys were as much my family as anyone could be, but as far as blood went, Mason was my last hope; Mason and this baby. But I didn’t worry about my connection to Harper, because if there was anything I was sure about, it was that a daughter never stopped loving her parents, no matter how flawed they were.

  Despite the beautiful day outside, graduation was being held inside the auditorium, due to a lack of anywhere else to have it. The auditorium was actually one of the positive things about Haven High; it was exceptionally big, with enough room to seat everyone who came for the ceremony. We arrived earlier, with the intention of getting a seat towards the front, but apparently the rest of the town thought the same, and we ended up much closer to the back than we’d anticipated.

  I sat between Julia and Hannah, who hadn’t said much of anything on the ride over. Greg sat beside her, and I couldn’t help but notice him shooting a glance at her every now and then, as if he were interested. That amused me. He hadn’t been happy with Adam getting his sixteen year-old girlfriend pregnant, yet he was checking out my sixteen year-old stepsister.

  I let it go, because it wasn’t worth the effort to think about it. Greg wasn’t Hannah’s type. He was good-looking, but something told me that after Nolan, Hannah might have higher standards than just looks alone. He was far too uptight, too serious.

  The ceremony started at exactly three o’clock, with the principal introducing the valedictorian, a girl I knew by name only. She gave a long speech about the importance of growing up in a small town and learning how to give to the community before announcing she would be attending college in New York City. The irony made me smile.

  Then the principal gave a speech, and his voice was so monotone and it went on for so long, I stopped listening almost as quickly as he began speaking. After what felt like centuries, he began naming off the graduates, and they walked up onto the stage to receive their diploma. I felt myself beaming when it was Adam’s turn, full of pride I hadn’t known I felt, and glancing at Hannah when Nolan was called. Her face remained expressionless. It was almost enough to make me believe she really didn’t care, but how was that possible? No one could turn their emotions off that quickly, not even me. Especially not Hannah, who always seemed to feel things so more intensely than anyone else I’d ever known.