Always Yours

by Grace Owens

  “It’s what you always wanted, isn’t it?” he asked back.

  “Yes,” I admitted, although a part of me knew it was a lie. Sure, I had wanted a divorce in the beginning, but I had thought we had grown into a real couple until Tawnya had showed up. I still wanted him to confirm it, though. “But why now?”

  “Are you okay, baby?” he asked instead of answering my question. He was a pro at answering a question with another question, but today I just wanted answers.

  “Just answer the damn question, Cailean,” I snapped angrily, letting out a small moan as the pain got worse.

  The baby was feeling uncomfortable.

  I was feeling uncomfortable.

  I had to get off the phone so that I could do something about it.

  “Gertie, I can hear you shuffle, moan and cry. I know you’re not okay.” Once again, he wasn’t answering my question.

  “I just want to hear you say it,” I choked out.

  “Say what exactly, Gertie?” He sounded frustrated.

  “That you want a divorce so that you can be with Tawnya again.” There, I said it. The funny thing was, though, that I didn’t feel better after I had said it. All I felt was stupid and embarrassed – what business did I have in his relationships? I was the one who had wanted the physical side without the emotions or the label.

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, right?” he asked with a humorless laugh. “You know that’s not true. I love you more than anything and the only reason why I finally gave you what you wanted all along is because I figured we could start fresh once Isobel gets here.”

  “Shit,” I muttered in response to the shooting pain in my back. The dull ache in my stomach was still coming and going, but it had gotten stronger now and I couldn’t even focus on what he was saying anymore.

  “What?” He was sounding panicked, which is probably what I should have been as well, but I had read about Braxton Hicks and I tried my best to just breathe through it.

  “Stupid Braxton Hicks,” I answered as it finally passed.

  “I’m coming over,” he said quickly and I heard him shuffling around.

  “No, you’re not,” I argued, but he had already hung up.

  Shit.

  Chapter 25

  ◆◆◆

  I WAS SURPRISED by the comfort Cailean brought as he took me to the hospital. I should have been pissed at him and my body should feel repulsed when he touched me. But, none of that happened. Instead, I tried to focus on my baby and the pain that kept coming and going.

  “You okay, babe?” he asked, squeezing my hand.

  We had finally been brought into a private room after the Urgent Care staff had decided that I should be admitted due to my condition. They had called my doctor who they promised would be here soon. Until then, they had hooked me up to several machines that monitored both me and Isobel.

  “For now, yeah,” I answered and I contemplated telling him how I really felt, but his betrayal was still so fresh in my mind that I decided against it.

  “Can I get you anything? Water, some more blankets?”

  “I’m fine,” I told him even though I was a bit cold. I just wanted my doctor to get here and tell me that everything would be okay.

  “Okay,” he said, finally giving up on trying to talk to me.

  He rubbed my back which helped me cope with some of the pain, but other than that, he wasn’t talking or touching me. The doctor showed up thirty minutes later which felt like an eternity, and judging by the look on her face, I wouldn’t like what she was about to tell us.

  “Okay, Gertie,” she started and walked over to the monitors to look at the paper that was feeding out from one of them. “It seems as if you’re having contractions and with the Placenta Previa, we need to be extra careful.”

  “Extra careful as in bed rest for the next few weeks or…” Cailean trailed off, waiting for the doctor to finish her sentence.

  “Extra careful as in delivering the baby,” she finished and I felt as if the air had been knocked out of me and tears blurred my vision. I had already been scheduled to deliver her early, but now was even sooner; what if she wasn’t ready yet?

  “Oh,” was all I could say and I felt as if my world was collapsing yet again.

  Was I even ready for this baby? The last few weeks had been so focused on just holding myself together and finding a way to move on from Cailean, no matter how impossible that had been. Sure, I had the essentials, but apart from a bassinet, nothing was really set up or installed yet. Everything had been brought over to Cailean’s new house and I hadn’t been there since before we split. I wasn’t even sure if he lived there or not.

  “I’ve put in an order for some medication to stop the contractions, but you are also scheduled for your c-section in the morning,” the doctor went on as if she couldn’t tell that I was lost in my head.

  “So come tomorrow, we’ll have a baby?” Cailean asked and it sounded as if he was in a state of shock.

  Good, at least I wasn’t the only one.

  “Yes. They will start preparing you for surgery in a couple of hours. Just like we talked about, I won’t actually be the one performing the surgery, but I will be there to assist. I know this is a lot to take in, but I need you to get some rest, Gertie,” she ordered me.

  “Right,” I agreed even though that was impossible. How the hell was I supposed to get some sleep in after she dropped a bombshell like that?

  “Okay, I will let you get some sleep and then I’ll see you in the morning. Please don’t hesitate to let the nurses know if you need anything,” she said as she made her way out of the room.

  Everything felt so rushed and I didn’t have enough time to come to terms with everything. I was nowhere near ready to be a mother and now I only had a few hours to suck it up because it was happening whether I was ready or not.

  “I’m scared,” I finally admitted.

  Cailean looked up at me from his spot next to the bed. I could tell there was a lot of things he wanted to say. Instead he simply stated, “I know.”

  I had no idea how he knew - maybe he was just as terrified as I was - but I felt comfort knowing that someone knew how I truly felt.

  I ended up being able to doze off here and there throughout the night. Every time I woke up, Cailean went back to either holding my hand or rubbing my back, so I knew he didn’t sleep. We didn’t speak much, we were probably both busy trying to take everything in, but again, his presence was all I needed as comfort, no matter where our relationship was at.

  Early in the morning, nurses came in to take me to the surgery, just like promised. I sat through their administrations with some sort of numbness. It was so hard to explain because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I answered their questions and watched as they hooked me up to the same machines as before. It was comforting listening to Isobel’s heartbeat and I tried to focus on that sound in order to calm down, but it proved to get harder to do as we approached the actual surgery.

  “I want Cailean. I need Cailean… please,” I pleaded through tears, feeling my breath quicken in fear as someone started prodding my back. I knew what was happening - they had walked me through it earlier - but nothing mattered at that point except the fear I felt take over my body.

  This was the first time I had cried since arriving at the hospital, but sitting on the small bed in a freezing O.R proved to be the tip of the iceberg. Cailean and I had been separated when a nurse had walked me into this room.

  “Cailean?” the nurse who stood in front of me asked in an uncertain voice.

  “My husband,” I clarified desperately.

  “He’ll be here shortly, sweetheart,” she said soothingly. “Unfortunately, he can’t come in until you’re settled.”

  I need him now, I thought desperately as well as pathetically while the person behind me shuffled around.

  “Okay, this is going to sting a little, but it will numb the area for the spinal tap,” the man behind me said and before I
could really process his words, I felt the sting he had warned me about. It really wasn’t as bad as I had thought, but the fact that I was going through it alone only intensified everything.

  “Take a deep breath and hug the pillow tight,” the nurse instructed me.

  “I need you to keep your spine bowed like this while I insert the spinal tap. It shouldn’t take more than a minute so try to breathe through the discomfort,” the man behind me said.

  I was overwhelmed by all the instructions, but I somehow managed to make it through even though I was screaming for Cailean on the inside. It wasn’t until I was lying down on the narrow operating table with my arms wide open that he finally appeared. I didn’t think I had ever been so happy to see him.

  “You’re here,” I croaked out through a sob.

  “I’m here, baby,” he affirmed with a quick and hard kiss on my lips. I didn’t care about what had happened in the last few weeks, his presence and that kiss was exactly what I needed.

  Cailean being there only lessened my anxiety by a little bit – I was still about to deliver my daughter six weeks before she was due and there was nothing that would take away my anxiety about that.

  “I can’t breathe,” I whispered as dark spots started appearing behind my eyes. It was the same sensation I’d had during our last ultrasound appointment and the last thing I wanted was to faint.

  “We’ll tilt the table for you until we need to start the procedure,” someone beside me said. “It should help with the pressure the baby is putting on you.”

  “Thanks,” Cailean answered for me.

  I could feel the sensation of someone tugging on my lower body, but other than that, I felt nothing down there. It was scary. Everything was scary.

  “Just focus on me, Gertie,” Cailean instructed as if he could sense my mind working overtime. “Focus on me and our baby.”

  I tried following his order and I looked into his blue eyes, focusing on taking deep breaths instead of the tugging on my body. My head was spinning, but I could see my doctor and the surgeon enter the room.

  If it hadn’t been for the clinking of instruments, I wouldn’t have been able to tell that they had started cutting me. I couldn’t see anything, and I couldn’t feel anything. They were talking about the holidays and the weather as if they were having lunch instead of operating.

  It felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone, but before I could think much more about it, an intense pressure settled on my torso along with more of the tugging.

  I’m dying.

  There was no other explanation for it as a blackness was starting to surround my eyes. I could hear murmurs, but I couldn’t for the life of me understand what was being said. The pressure was gone, but the blackness was getting worse by the second.

  Panicked, I tried turning my head to look at Cailean one last time. He was sitting close to me, but he was focused on what was happening on the other side of the blue sheet.

  “I love you, Cailean,” I said, hoping that he would hear me. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I love you and I know you’ll be the best dad there is.”

  “Gertie,” I heard Cailean say in the distant. Unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to see his face or eyes as he turned around. “Don’t you dare say goodbye, baby.”

  Someone was tapping me on my cheek, urging me to focus. Things were starting to turn black and I felt myself growing more tired, unable to focus on anything but the blackness and the peace that followed it.

  Chapter 26

  ◆◆◆

  A STEADY BEEPING sound woke me up, but my eyes were too heavy for me to open. I wanted to go back to sleep, but my mind wouldn’t let me. The last thing I remembered was the cold O.R. and it was clear that I was no longer there. I was warm and comfortable, and apart from the beeping machine, the room was quiet.

  I took my time trying to wake my body up, and I had no idea how long it took, but my eyes eventually opened up to a bright room. Looking around, I saw Cailean sitting in the rocking chair in the corner.

  “Hey,” I whispered hoarsely, the sound of my scratchy voice made me cringe.

  “Gertie!” he exclaimed and jumped out of his seat, showering me with kisses. “Fuck, you scared me, baby.”

  Speaking of baby, “Where’s Isobel?”

  “NICU,” he answered in a somber voice, sitting down on the edge of my bed, my hand tight in his.

  “Why?” I asked, starting to panic. “What’s wrong?”

  “Her lungs weren’t fully developed and she had some jaundice, but she’s doing better. I even got to change her diaper last time I saw her.” He was excited about that last part and I couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous of the fact that he had seen her, touched her even.

  “Why are you here and not with her?” I asked in a whisper. She shouldn’t be alone. She shouldn’t know what it feels like to be all alone.

  “Hey, calm down,” he said gently, cradling my face in his hands. It helped a little, but she still shouldn’t have been alone. “I was just with her and she’s fine. You weren’t… Bloody hell, I felt so fucking torn, Gertie. I needed to make sure you were okay too.”

  It was then that I noticed the stress and the worry on his face. He really did care.

  “I’m fine,” I said, putting my hands on his, hoping it was enough to reassure him. He gave me a nod and I swore it looked as if he was about to cry before he pressed a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Can I go see her?”

  “I’m sure the doctor would like to check your over first,” he pointed out.

  Oh, right…

  “What happened?”

  “You lost a lot of blood,” he answered and looked away. “You wouldn’t wake up, but they kept telling me that you were fine and just needed to rest. I thought I lost you, Gertie.”

  “But you didn’t.” I didn’t know why I felt the need to keep reassuring him that I was fine, but the way he looked gutted me.

  “I can’t lose you.”

  Even though it hurt like hell, I sat up enough to pull him in for a hug. I could feel him sag in relief as I wrapped my arms around his midsection and it wasn’t long before he returned the hug and he didn’t let me go until a nurse popped her head in to check on me.

  ↞ ♥ ↠

  Almost a whole day passed and after finally being cleared to leave my bed, I didn’t waste a second to order Cailean to take me to Isobel. It had been a long day of longing and while Cailean’s updates did provide me some comfort, I wanted to see her with my own eyes.

  As soon as Cailean wheeled me up to Isobel’s incubator, everything around me just faded into white noise. She was here. The little human I’d had inside me was here. Everything had felt so surreal, as if it had all been a dream, but here she was.

  She was tiny. Too tiny almost.

  The diaper was taking up almost her whole torso and there were tubes everywhere.

  But she was still the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen. Her hair was dark brown and even though she had her eyes closed, Cailean had told me that they were blue.

  “She’s perfect, isn’t she?” he asked as he situated and put the breaks on the wheelchair, knowing I wouldn’t want to leave anytime soon.

  “She is,” I agreed with a watery smile.

  “She just ate and her lungs are improving,” a nurse who was not much older than us, said, interrupting the moment. “As of this morning, she won’t need the blue light anymore unless the jaundice comes back.”

  I was grateful for her positive update, but all I wanted to do was to hold her.

  “Does that mean we could maybe hold her today?” Cailean asked as if he had been able to read my mind. I was sure my face said it all, though.

  “It’s a possibility. I would need to check to see,” was her reply.

  “Of course.”

  She left us alone in our staring after that and I couldn’t stop. I could feel Cailean behind me and every once in a while, his hands were on my shoulders. I was glad that he was here
with me and I had no clue how I had even thought about doing this on my own.

  Maybe we’ll be okay after all.

  I didn’t know how much time we spent with her, but it was enough for me and Cailean to hold her and change her diaper. As I stared down at her warm and tiny form in my arms, I couldn’t help but to feel overwhelmed with the love I already had for her. It was indescribable. But what confused me the most was that with my love for her, my love for Cailean had only intensified.

  ↞ ♥ ↠

  I was tired. So, so tired. Between visits from our friends and family and time spent in the NICU, I could have slept for days.

  But Cailean kept looking at me as if he wanted to talk and while I knew I could just ignore him, we needed to get this conversation over with. If not for our own sanity, then for Isobel’s sake.

  “Are you okay?” I asked in a whisper. I was met with a pair of blue, bloodshot eyes as he looked up at me. All I got was a nod and for a second, I thought that was all he was going to give me. Until he moved to sit on the side of my bed.

  “I know I have no right to ask you this after everything you’ve already given me, but do you think we could ever go back to what we were before this whole shitstorm?” he asked, vulnerability shining in his eyes.

  “Go back to what, exactly?” I asked him even though I wanted him back with every fiber in my being. “Co-parents? Lovers? Being married?”

  “I would like to start over. I’m not saying forget that Vegas ever happened because there’s no fucking way I’ll be able to forget. But how about letting me take you out on a date and then we’ll figure things out from there?”

  “What about Tawnya?” Her name tasted bad in my mouth, but I needed to know before I gave this man my heart again.

  “There’s nothing there, I swear,” he said pleadingly. “We weren’t even together when I left for the States and when I went back there after our wedding, I let her know that we would never be anything.”