A Long Road Through The Night

by Rosemary Hodgson

  But there was not sufficient room for the book, and it overbalanced, falling to the floor with a gentle thud, and decanting from between its pages an envelope bearing handwriting instantly recognisable as Tom`s: "To Sylvia, after my death."

  She stared at it frozenly, before summoning up the willpower to tear it open and read words grown familiar through their constant circling in her mind: "My Dearest Sylvia, I`ve been the biggest fool in Christendom. When you understand what I`ve done, you`ll be sorry I killed myself before you had the chance to do it for me." It`s the finalised version of Tom`s suicide-note, the one he meant me to read, she realised. The much-crossed-out original in the exercise-book had been merely a draft.

  So much for us thinking he was in a state when he wrote it! Sylvia fumed, remembering how she and Miranda had imagined him struggling to compose his thoughts during a spontaneous outburst of despair. What a laugh! -- it`s about as spontaneous as the Budget Speech – he knew perfectly well what he was doing, checking it through and altering it, word by word, line by line, till he got it exactly the way he wanted it – he`s probably somewhere out there, laughing up his sleeve, enjoying seeing me tormenting myself in case his death was my fault.

  Though the idea of his preparing the note so methodically distressed her, at least it proved that Tom`s departure had not been organised as cruelly as she had at first thought – he did try and tell me why -- he must`ve put the real note in here because it hadn`t to be found before he was dead, but he had to make sure we`d find it afterwards. Sylvia recalled her annoyance at how, on hearing of her father`s disappearance, Delia`s first enquiry had been concerned with how quickly she could come by the book. In view of that pressure, Tom had most likely assumed Sylvia would look it out and hand it over at once, but in her agitation and distress over his death she had paid little attention to the volumes packed up hastily in order to vacate the Museum flat. Thereafter, the boxes containing his library had lain unconsidered in Jenny`s workshop along with the stored furniture.

  If I`d looked this book out for Dee straightaway, we would`ve found the note, and I wouldn`t have felt left-high-and-dry, like I did, she realised. But in his obsessive state of mind, Tom had taken no account of the fact that Sylvia had never been as methodical as he was, or that traumatic bereavement might make her more disorganised than ever.

  The final version of the note continued beyond the end of the draft: "What made me do such a stupid thing? If Danny really is my son, and I don`t leave him this legacy, I`ll be robbing him of his chance in life. How can I face telling him that? Seeing he`s not going to get the money from the Harland Trust, I have to let my Will stand as it is. I promised him, you see – he`ll be counting on it, and you above all people must know I couldn`t break my word to the son I`ve never met or supported, until now. But that means I`m forced to rob you of your entitlement, and I can`t go on living with the guilt I feel about that. At least you`ll still have the insurance-money to help you start your life again." That`s all you know! she muttered resentfully. But the comment provided reassurance that he had indeed utterly forgotten the effect his suicide would have on the policy.

  Turning the page, she read on: "I know I haven`t treated you well lately. When I didn`t want to talk, and buried myself in writing my book, it must have seemed as if I was cutting myself off from you. The truth is, once I realised what a stupid thing I`d done, I couldn`t look you in the face, let alone find words to explain." His remorse, though gratifying, did nothing to heal the hurt of knowing he preferred to neglect his obligations to her, rather than to Daniel Franks.

  The final paragraph, however, stirred something in her soul: "I hope you`ll find happiness again in spite of what I`ve done. You deserve it. You`ve been a good wife to me, even if I didn`t always seem to appreciate you. Have a happy life, Sylv, and don`t mourn me. I`m not worth your tears. With love, I wish you a last goodbye." He had signed his name at the end, with the characteristic little flourish on the tail of the final "m", and she ran her finger over the word gently, surprised that she did not feel like crying.

  At least he made sure I`d know it wasn`t my fault he died, and I`ve got to be grateful for that, she thought -- he hadn`t fallen out of love with me after all, and he`s made his peace with me as best he could -- but why, oh why, did he have to be so generous to Daniel?

  Later in the day, when Miranda called to repay the borrowed milk, Sylvia broke the news of her forthcoming move. Though sad to be losing a friendly neighbour, the girl was thrilled at the reason.

  `See! I told you! I sayed you and him was right for one-another, didn`t I? Are yous getting married, or just moving in?`

  `We haven`t decided yet.` For the moment, moving-in was a big enough step.

  Miranda saw the future through more romantic eyes. `I`ll bet yous do. Let`s know when the wedding is, so I can get myself a new hat.`

  `If ever it does happen, you`ll be the first to know, after Dee and Patty.` The promise was easy to give, bearing in mind what a good friend the girl had been during the bad days.

  Daniel`s reply to her offer for settlement arrived the following morning. Through his solicitor, he asked for time to think the matter over. The letter also contained a subtly-worded reminder that Tom`s bequest would stand up legally, unless she elected to contest the Will. Sylvia wondered if the somewhat confrontational tone of the missive had been Daniel`s idea, or the solicitor`s.

  The thought that he might not accept her suggestion was unsettling. Had he any right to the money if he and Tom were not related? She would have to write to Eleanor once more, either begging or demanding the truth. There must`ve been an affair – otherwise how could Tom be so convinced Danny was his son?

  Eschewing polite formalities, she wrote with uncharacteristic bluntness: "I just can`t leave things the way they are. I need to come and see you again – and please tell me the whole truth this time. Why would Tom leave all that money to Danny if they were nothing to each other? I have to know, even if the truth hurts." Would the woman come clean at last? Or was the idea of a special relationship between Daniel and Tom a figment of Sylvia`s disturbed imagination?

  For a week she heard nothing from either Daniel or his mother. Just as she had begun to consider writing to them again, both replies arrived on the same day.

  She read Daniel`s first. "I`ve thought over your offer, and decided to agree to it. I`ve been advised that the Will – if you don`t contest it – gives me absolute legal title to the money Mr. Brandon left me. But he didn`t do right by you and your daughters, so I would feel guilty about keeping it all. Like you said, neither of us wants to be filling lawyers` pockets, so sharing it after the five years is up is the best way out for everybody." That was settled, then. Not total victory, but better than nothing.

  With rather more trepidation, she tore open Eleanor`s envelope to get at the letter within. "Yes, I will see you, because you`re right. There was more to Tom and me than what I told you. Seeing he had died so recently, I thought the whole truth would hurt too much, and it would be kinder to keep quiet. Now I realise not knowing is worse for you, so this time I`ll try and tell it as it was, the best way I know how."

  `I hope to God she does,` Sylvia said, refolding the letter after showing it to Raymond, `Then I`ll finally get to the bottom of this business.`

  `She might come clean, she might not,` he cautioned. `You can`t bank on it, bearing in mind the lies she`s told so far. Could you ever bring yourself to believe her, even if she swears it on a dozen Bibles?`

  `I`m not sure. I just know I`ve got to meet her again.`

  He nodded resignedly. `I agree with you, that is the right option. For your own peace of mind, you`ve at least got to try.`

  The hint of shadows behind his encouraging smile reminded her that he too had an interest in the outcome. `It`s not just for my peace of mind. I owe you a better answer than you`ve had so far about our future.` For his sake, if not her own, she must summon up courage to confront Eleanor.

  Once more Raymond drove her to London. Althou
gh she must see Eleanor alone, she needed the moral support of his presence in the background. `If she doesn`t tell me the truth this time, I don`t know what I`ll do, Unless I can clear my mind, I`ll never be able to move on.`

  On this occasion she was allowed to see Eleanor without the guardian presence of Mrs. Bonner. `I asked her not to stay. What we`ve got to say to each other doesn`t want an audience.`

  `I couldn`t care less whether she stays or not,` Sylvia retorted, too strung-up for good manners. `All that matters to me is knowing what there was between you and Tom. You owe it to me – I can`t make a new life for myself till it`s all cleared-up.`

  Eleanor sat with closed eyes for a moment, as if composing her thoughts, before answering. `What Tom and I had wasn`t enough to be classed as an affair, but there was rather more to it than I admitted. We did make love, but just the once, and it only happened because he was depressed after being turned-down for a job he really wanted.`

  She would be referring to the rejection-letter from the important national museum to which Tom had applied, and which Sylvia had found among his effects. `But why didn`t he speak to me about it, instead of you?` As Eleanor hesitated, Sylvia found herself answering her own question. `It was par for the course, I suppose. We never talked about his work because I wasn`t interested enough in it.` That gap in their relationship had allowed room for a third-party to enter forbidden ground.

  Eleanor set down her teacup to continue her explanation. `While we were working late one night, he broke-down in tears – started going-on about how being forced to give up his ambitions to go abroad and work on excavation-sites had stood in his way as far as promotion was concerned – he had apparently applied for some job he didn`t get. I`d never seen a man in a state like that before. It started out with me trying to comfort him, then things got out of hand. But that`s all there was to it. It was never a romance, and Tom would never have left you in a million years.` The admission that should have been a comfort to Sylvia somehow was not. The very fact that Eleanor was so certain sounded as if the matter had been discussed at some point.

  That must have been the day Tom received the letter telling him he hadn`t got the job at the big museum, Sylvia realised. Though shocked, she felt strangely calm -- at least I know the worst now – he gave up his ambitions for my sake, but couldn`t forgive me for it. Despite the hurt, she must finish what she had started. `So what does that mean in terms of Danny? Is he Tom`s son or not?`

  Eleanor looked away, seeming embarrassed by her admission. `At the time, Robert and I were still living what passed for a normal married life. So when I fell-wrong, I really wasn`t certain whether the baby was Robert`s or Tom`s. Judging from the date when Danny was born, he`s most likely Robert`s, but Tom seemed to find comfort in thinking he was the father. Seeing I couldn`t prove it one way or the other, and Tom had been good enough to lend me a listening-ear when I needed it, why not let him go on thinking Danny was his, if it made him happy?`

  `Why not?` Sylvia demanded in exasperation. `Because for ever after, we lived a lie, Tom and me, and I didn`t even know it. He never had the courage to own up to what he`d done, or the grace to warn me what was in his will.`

  Eleanor rubbed her face with her hands, as if trying to brush away unpleasant thoughts. `It must`ve come as a terrible shock to you. I`m so sorry.`

  `Sorry? You look well in your grief!` Sylvia retorted, struggling against the urge to break into senseless weeping. `I found the letter and photo you sent. If you thought the baby was Robert`s, why did you keep in touch with Tom?`

  `Because he asked me to let him know when it was born, He was so obsessed with the notion that he was Danny`s father that he started straight away, setting money aside to help Danny`s career-plans. He told me he was doing it, but I had no idea it would be anything like the amount it`s turned out to be. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see it was a mistake to let Tom go on thinking Danny was his. But there never seemed to be a right time to tell him the truth, and nobody could have foreseen things would turn out like they have done.`

  Unbidden, a fragment of a previous conversation with Eleanor Harrison surfaced in Sylvia`s mind like a bursting bubble. `For God`s sake! Can`t you tell the difference between truth and lies any more? Last time we talked, you went up in a blue light when I asked you if Tom might be Danny`s father. Remember what you said: "How dare you. I was a married woman at the time.” You hadn`t the slightest doubt then, had you? Telling me you and Robert were still leading a normal married life confirms it. You know perfectly well whose child Danny is. In fact. you always did and keeping in touch with Tom was just to make sure he didn`t change his mind about the money.`

  Eleanor brushed tears from her eyes with a handkerchief she had been crumpling in her hand throughout their conversation. `No, you`re wrong. It wasn`t that deliberate. I`ll not deny I`m pleased that Danny`s got a decent inheritance, but I didn`t set out with that intention. Seeing Tom had helped me, I thought there`d be no harm in going-along with what he wanted to believe, and letting him know when Danny was born. I suppose I can`t blame you for thinking the worst, though.`

  `And this`s all of it now? There`s nothing else going to jump up and bite me on the bum?` Sylvia demanded, wondering whether she could ever bring herself to believe whatever answers Eleanor might offer.

  `That`s it, all there was – just a stupid one-night-stand. I`m sorry for all the trouble it`s caused. We never meant to hurt you, you know.`

  Why don`t I find that much of a consolation, Sylvia thought, taking quiet leave of the woman whose impact on her life had been so profound. She walked slowly out of The Charter House and across the parking-ground towards the car where Raymond lay back in the reclined driving-seat, dozing as he waited for her.

  As she tried the door, he leaned over to open it. `Are you all right, Sylv? Is it sorted now?`

  `I think so.` As they drove through suburban streets, with the light failing towards evening, she told him about the conversation with Eleanor. `Maybe it was only once, but it did happen, and because of it Tom found – or thought he`d found – the son I couldn`t bring myself to give him.`

  `How very much he must`ve wanted one, to take such a risk with a good marriage like yours,` Raymond said softly, and she nodded agreement.

  `I suppose it was my fault for refusing to try for another baby. But I couldn`t help how scared I was of going through pregnancy and childbirth again, and maybe losing another one. If that makes me a coward, then okay, I must be. I just couldn`t bear to think of all those hopes and dreams cut off again like a knife-stroke, and only the pain in my heart left to remember yet another baby by.`

  Presumably Tom had felt the same, judging from his subsequent actions, but she could not repress a ground-swell of anger within her. Instead of bearing the disappointment with patience, he had chosen to build himself a fantasy-world in which he had a son to hope and plan for – that dream bought and paid-for with what should have been their retirement nest-egg. `If Danny had been born nowadays, we could`ve had a DNA test done, then we`d have known for sure.`

  Raymond paused a moment or two before replying. `Would Tom have agreed to be tested?`

  Facing the truth, though painful, demanded realism. `Seeing he was so set on having a son, he`d most likely have refused it. He told Danny he had traded his dreams to get what he thought he wanted. Is that why he clung so obstinately to the dream that he had a son?`

  One good thing had come out of the whole sorry situation, Sylvia decided as they drove along in companionable silence, soft music from the radio soothing and relaxing her. Maybe I was wrong to stop Tom from doing what he liked with his life, and wrong not to have another baby -- if he spent all his days regretting not going abroad on Digs, I`m sorry, but at least I was thinking of the girls and not myself when I said he shouldn`t do it.

  Perhaps that was not quite true, though – if she was entirely honest, the thought of coping with their children alone was what had made her put her foot down. Possibly that had been selfish, she conceded �
� many a thousand women bring up families while their men are away being sailors, or in the Army, or working on the rigs – why couldn`t I?

  Nevertheless, disappointment was not a good enough reason for Tom`s conduct. `If he was so miserable, why didn`t he say? We could`ve sorted something out. Once Patty and Delia were off our hands, we might`ve been able to arrange some way of making good things happen for him.`

  `Maybe,` Raymond agreed, `but we`ll never know now. What matters is how all this leaves you. Do you believe Tom`s the boy`s father?

  In momentous silence, she considered the answer. `No. I don`t. I can see it all now. She knows perfectly well Robert Franks is Danny`s father. If only she`d had the courage to admit it from the start, Tom would never have made that stupid will, and there`d have been no need for him to kill himself. No wonder she tried so hard not to tell me the truth about the affair – she must feel as guilty as hell.`

  `I`m sure she does, seeing the effect it`s had on your life,` Raymond said, his eyes searching out the road-signs that would lead them off the M.25 to its junction with the A.1 at South Mimms. `Do you think perhaps she saw Tom as a means of providing the lad with the sort of money she would never be able to give him herself?`

  `I wouldn`t be surprised.` Sylvia`s anger with Tom for his lapse from fidelity resurged. `Why was he so besotted with the need for a son? Were our daughters not enough for him?` It had been one lapse, but that was no consolation, spoiling the memories of their quietly happy later years together – all that time he`d had this on his mind, and never saw fit to tell her. Thanks to his well-kept secret, her memories of him could never be the same again.

  But for one thing she must be grateful. His note, asking her not to mourn him, had finally set her free. `I`m sorry for the way he died, and the reasons for it, but it was how he wanted it to end, and I won`t spend the rest of my life in misery.` The old woman she met in the cafe at Seahouses had been right. It was high-time to stop battering herself against the wall of silence that was Death, and turn her back on the past. The good times, she could keep in her mind, like precious flowers pressed in an album. The callousness of Tom`s premeditated demise made more recent recollections unbearable.