by G. Bailey
I struggle not to shake my head at him. I don’t believe it gets better. It just gets easier to endure until the next wave of darkness arrives.
“It’s terrifying how much power words can have over us, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” I agree, sipping the tea. “It’s a pain in the ass.”
“What word triggered you, Corvina?”
I clutch the cup tighter, blanching my knuckles a peroxide-white. I’m not sure why I say it, or why I’m even entertaining another of these stupid sessions, but before I can register anything, the word just… tumbles out from my mouth.
“Wish.”
And there he has it.
He now knows something about me that only Pitch and Sage know; anything to do with the word wish or wishing well triggers me.
I should be terrified at the thought of Gage, a therapist, gaining this information. But for once I’m not. If anything, it feels more like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can breathe again.
“The thing about words having power over us,” Gage adds, setting his tea down on the tray and smiling at me, “is that their power can be taken back. If you’re ready to take that power, Corvina, I’ll help you. I’ll stand by you every step of the way should you want me to. You’re not alone anymore.”
My heart squeezes with a gratefulness I didn’t even want to feel when I stepped in here. Now I’m bursting with it and I have no idea what to do. All I know is that right now, right here, my panic attack is gone and I’m no longer in crippling emotional pain.
“Vina,” I say to him. “Call me Vina.”
His smile deepens, lighting up his face like a ray of sunbeams. “Vina… It’s beautiful.”
“It’s too early for this,” I say, coughing on the dust I’ve just wiped off another book.
Detention so far has consisted of Professor Gale drinking from his flask, Sage glaring at him as she cleans the library restricted bookshelves we’ve been dusting off all morning, and me trying not to sneeze to death.
Turns out we’re the only ones in detention in the first weekend.
Go figures.
“It’s too early to be drunk, but that’s not stopping the asshole over there,” Sage grouses, not bothering to lower her voice.
Professor Gale grunts and drags his feet onto the only little desk this far back in the library. “It’s too early for your guilt trip, Sage. Now both of you get back to work.”
“Why don’t you get back to work?” Sage growls right back at him.
Oh, boy. Back to the tension-filled room we go.
“I am working,” he comments, leaning back in his seat with a big smirk. He lifts his flask to his mouth again and takes a long sip, his eyes pinned on Sage.
What does this teacher even teach? So far, all I’ve seen him do is drink and follow Greyhorn around like a lost puppy.
Sage swings around, turning her back on him as we carry on with the rest of the job at hand.
We’ve been dusting and cleaning these neglected shelves all day.
When I glance at the clock and see it’s time for us to leave, I give a deep, heavy sigh of relief. My nose can’t take any more dust today.
“Finally,” Sage groans, standing up and stretching.
I do the same, yawning as I look over all the pretty shelves. All the sneezing was worth it. The bookshelves look beautiful now.
Professor Gale scoffs under his breath. “Not so fast. Corvina, you can leave. Sage, we have mushrooms to find. They only appear on full moons such as tonight.”
Sage’s anger works through her body in waves, turning into magic at her fingertips. “But—-”
“I have food for us to eat on the way. I’m not that heartless,” he replies and I kick Sage gently before she says anything stupid.
“Please, please be nice,” I warn her in a low whisper. “I know you hate him, but we need to keep our heads down at this academy, and you killing our teacher won’t make that happen.”
“It would make me feel better, though,” she huffs, following Professor Gale out of the room.
I just pray he doesn’t piss Sage off too much. And if it does, then good luck to him.
I grab my bag off the floor and leave, heading right back to my room. I’m exhausted, uncaffeinated, and grumpy. Not to be trifled with until I’ve napped for the rest of the day.
As I step around the side of the outside of the academy, a man appears from the shadows.
“My lady. Funny to see you here,” Zander teases with a grin.
“Are you shadow stalking me now, Zander?” I probe coldly, though it’s impossible to resist his contagious grin.
“Would you like it if I did? At any rate, I wondered if you wanted to see Echo. I swear it’s not a ploy to get you alone in my apartment or anything but I do have snacks as well…”
In spite of my exhaustion, he sold me on the fact that I could fill my empty stomach without going to the cafeteria.
“Snacks and a cute animal? Count me in,” I chuckle and he grins, holding out his hand. “What’s that for? I don’t do hand-holding.”
“I’m not walking a million steps to the top of the academy where my apartment is. We can travel there but you need to hold my hand,” he explains, and I really do think about climbing the stairs for a long second, but my laziness wins out over my common sense. I slide my hand into his, noticing for one how big his hands are and two how warm he is. It’s like he’s a hot water bottle and I want to snuggle up…
No, I don’t.
Well, yes I do.
Kinda.
A helluva lot.
Zander tugs me closer to him, his lips brushing my cheek, and then the shadows are folding around us, enveloping our bodies within their inky blackness. Surprisingly, it’s like he’s a light in the darkness, never once feeling as though I’m alone. I can feel his hand squeezing my own, hear his heart beating in my ear like a strange lullaby. And then we’re standing in the middle of an open-planned apartment.
“Holy shit! This is your place?”
I turn around in a circle, taking in his massive room. My gaze lands on the amazing view of the forest and I gasp. Glass panels decorate the main feature wall, showing us above the forest. It looks like you could just walk out of the window and run across the treetops into the endless world ahead of you. When I finally break my stare from the view, I notice the rest of Zander’s place is just as nice. White sofas, a fancy modern fireplace in the centre of the room, lit and crackling away beside a white shaggy rug that is totally begging me to take a nap on right now. The kitchen is by the entrance, complete with a table and four chairs around it. On the other side is a huge black four-poster bed with ivory satin sheets. There are two counters next to it; one is littered with weapons and the other has oddly stacked books. I’m a little horrified at the way he’s just dumped some of them still opened. Poor books.
“Where is Echo, then?” I ask, turning to face him.
“Err, well, turns out he likes water, so…” Zander pauses and walks to one of the doors in the room. I follow him in to see Echo in a giant modern bathtub, and somehow the water inside is green instead of blue. It doesn’t look dirty, though, and Echo blinks up at us before jumping out of the bathtub and onto the side, tilting its head at us. “I don’t think Echo can fly yet. He’s too young. Neither can I find a creature that even remotely resembles him so I don’t know what the hell he is.”
“I don’t think asking anyone is going to go down well,” I say. “Pets aren’t allowed here. Not even familiars are.”
“Agreed.” He clicks his tongue and then chuckles.
I lean down and stroke the side of Echo’s damp face, and he makes this weird growling, kind of purring sound in the back of his t
hroat. Cutie. I’m willing to bet the poor thing doesn’t have a clue what he is, either. He jumps back into the water, splashing me with it until my blouse is soaked and a little see-through.
“Thanks, bud,” I say, walking out the door and covering myself with my cloak.
“Do you want to borrow a top?” Zander asks and heads to the door at the other end of the bathroom. It has a huge walk-in wardrobe with hardly any clothes in it. Zander opens a drawer and pulls out a modern, soft-looking pale blue t-shirt and hands it to me.
“Thanks. Turn around then.” I twirl my finger, and he grins but does what he’s told. Good boy. I unclip my cloak and pull off my shirt, resting them both on the bathroom sink before putting Zander’s top on and tucking it in my skirt. “You can look now.”
Zander turns around and he makes no attempt to hide how he likes what he sees. “I was wrong,” he whispers. “I thought seeing you use magic was the sexiest thing ever, but you in my shirt beats it.”
Changing the subject before Pitch comes out and tries to kill him, I clear my throat and walk into the lounge again and sit on the sofa. Of course, Zander follows me over and sits right next to me, his leg pressing against mine.
He’s bold, I’ll give him that.
“How did you get promoted? I’ve never met a Shadow Warden before you,” I point out and a sad smile flits over his face. I get the feeling he doesn’t like telling this story much.
“A few years back, the gargoyles and trolls came up with a plan to try and overthrow the magics. They bred a creature together, a monster with hard skin of a gargoyle but the strength and size of a troll. As they tried to attack the academy, where I had just started working, they let the creature in. It killed five wardens and ten students before I found it and killed it on my own. I was branded a hero and promoted. I imagine it was because my mother had a say in it, though.”
“Who is your mother?” I probe subtly. She sounds important to the magics to have any say in who’s made into a Shadow Warden.
“Someone you don’t wanna meet,” he replies with a grin. “Now it’s my turn. Tell me how you became a shadowborn.”
“I should go—” I start, knowing there is zero chance I’m telling him anything. After my recent panic attack, I don’t trust myself to talk about it without having a meltdown. I thought I was ‘over it’. Turns out I’m not even close to being over what happened. What I did to so many innocent people…
Zander’s hand grabs mine as I try to walk away and I glare down at him.
“Don’t go. I won’t ask about your past again. I was merely curious,” he softly says, rubbing my wrist with his thumb.
I don’t know why I’m letting him touch me like this.
I hate that it feels too good to make him stop.
“I have Netflix and I swear I’m not going to ask you to chill,” he adds hastily.
I can’t help but chuckle at him, feeling my walls breaking down a little. “You said you had snacks. I’m only staying for the snacks and Netflix,” I warn him. “No ‘chill’.”
“Scout’s honor,” he answers with an enormous grin. “Either way, I get to spend time alone with you and that’s all I want.”
After he hands me the remote for the big ass TV that slides out of the wall on the other side of the room, he goes to get food for us.
I hear Pitch’s warning, but I choose to ignore him.
For the first time in ages, I’m making my own decisions without my shadow guiding me, and it feels fantastic.
“Hey, Ronan. Care to explain what you’re doing outside my room?” I demand, making him jump as he clearly didn’t hear me coming. Ronan looks as casual as he normally does in a plum shirt, black skinny jeans, and a baggy black hat. He has glasses on today, which he doesn’t usually wear, but they suit him.
“I was looking for you or Sage. I’m bored and it’s the weekend. Can I come in?”
I shrug, not caring if he wants to or not. It’s not my fault if he gets caught breaking the rules.
“Where is Sage?” Ronan asks, sitting on the edge of my bed.
“Why? Do you like her, like her?” I tease and he shakes his head.
“There’s someone back home and she’s waiting for me…” He trails off, something catching his eye. I watch him reach over and grab the fae book the headmaster gave me. “Woah, this is some crazy dark magic. Where did you get this?”
I walk over and sit next to him on my bed as he reads the first few pages. Pitch leaves my soul like a soothing wave, appearing right in front of me. He smirks as he leans against the wall, watching Ronan, who’s completely oblivious to my shadow.
“The headmaster gave it to me to study, though I haven’t looked at it much. The spells seem too strong, to be honest.”
I watch him closely as he stares at the book, poring over every single word.
“That’s because they are,” Pitch adds in, but of course only I can hear him.
“They aren’t that bad. You can handle these easily,” Ronan says with a grin, bumping my shoulder.
“This guy is an idiot,” Pitch drawls in a bored tone and I try not to laugh.
“I will think about it,” I tell Ronan.
“No, you won’t,” Pitch grumbles, and this time my lips twitch.
“Cool. So what did you do today?” Ronan asks, putting the book back on the side table. “Anything interesting?
“Nothing much,” I answer and Pitch glowers at me. “What about you?”
“I’ve been researching the tales of the forest in the library for the tryouts. I haven’t found anything interesting yet, but I’m determined to find something soon. I want to go to the Fae Tryouts next.”
My ears perk up. “Fae Tryouts? What’s that?”
“It’s just a nickname. The ones who win the tryouts here get to compete in the ones that take place in the light and dark fae cities. Those are just for the runner-ups though, and the team that wins get to take home the Gilded Trophy. Shadowborn Academy hasn’t won in decades.”
Wow. For once I’m actually excited. “That’s actually really cool. Maybe I should try and help you research then,” I offer, peering over his shoulder at the page he’s reading.
“You’re more than welcome. Out of interest, which court would you like to see the most?”
I think for a moment.
“I don’t know,” I mumble, feeling an intensity coming from Pitch’s emotions. “I’ve heard a million rumours about the dark and light fae, and none of them make me want to choose a side. Honestly, I’d love to see their courts, purely out of interest.”
“Not all rumours are true, Corvina,” Pitch whispers, but he disappears before I can question him on that. I’ve always known that he’s at least part fae, so it’s not surprising that he knows something about the royal courts. Something he clearly doesn’t want me involved in.
He’s never spoken much about them though.
“Come on,” I say, standing up off the bed. “We can still make it to the library if we hurry.”
It seems Professor Gale is good at something other than drinking. It’s his turn to take charge of today’s Tryouts lesson, which doesn’t really fill me with much confidence, even with Healer Julie at his side. But ever since Sage went foraging in the forest with him over a month ago, she seems less eager to rip him to pieces, and that makes things a helluva lot easier. Mainly because it means less detentions for the both of us.
Why Sage stopped despising Gale all of a sudden? I have no idea. For the first two weeks after our detention, Sage refused to talk about what happened in the forest that day. All I know is that she hates him less and Gale doesn’t take a swig from his flask at every given opportunity. It’s been a few months now, and their budding relationship hasn’t escaped my notice. I mean, I’m happy she doesn’t want to punch his lights out every time she sees him, but it’s still unlike her to forgive so easily.
Similar to how it’s unlike me to trust every therapist that
waltzes into my life.
Then again, Gage Michaels didn’t just waltz in.
He threw me over his shoulder, kicking and screaming, and coaxed me with delicious tea and biscuits. Asshole. He’s also become a frequent presence in my life, one that I rely on now even if our sessions feel extremely awkward at times. They’re only awkward because I like being in his company, but I feel ashamed whenever I go back to my room. I’m not used to letting people ‘in’.
So far, Gage has managed to squeeze three terrifyingly important things out of me, things I would really rather he didn’t know. The first one is that I did indeed kill an entire village when I was eight. I guess this isn’t so surprising since I was all over the news then. Child survives fire that incinerates village. Orphan wanders ash-covered fields for three days before being rescued. But he actually got me to admit those things. Yeah, I did it. No, I didn’t mean to do it. I should’ve felt like a weight had been lifted after saying those words but it did the complete opposite. I practically cried myself to sleep that night. And here I thought I was ‘coping’ with my past. Pfff. Now I’m not even sure I know what that word means.
The second thing is that I don’t get close to people. Like, ever. Sage is simply an exception. I say it’s because I’m not a people person, but it’s actually because I’m terrified of hurting them. What if I lose control of my powers again? What if I blow up this entire academy and kill all these innocent people? Gage assured me I wouldn’t, but I felt nothing but awkward as I tried to explain what I was trying to say.
I’m a murderer. A monster. I should be locked up.
You’d think I would’ve put the shovel down right there and stopped digging my grave, but every time I sit on Gage’s sofa and stare into his beautiful, honey-brown eyes, the more at ease I feel and the more words come spewing out from my mouth.
The most recent thing I told him was last week. I confessed that I’m afraid to take control of my dark magic. I’m afraid it’ll change me again, in an irrevocable way that will alter my perception of the world, something I’m not sure I can cope with right now. I suppose when you spend so many years trapped in darkness, the light feels like the more terrifying option.