Memories of a Highlander

by Susan Bella Ikin

  I put Liam from me and signalled a maid who was scurrying past just then with a bowl of water. It was unheard of for a husband to be in the birthing room with his wife, but I knew that was where Liam needed to be. Besides, I still didn’t understand why birthing was thought to be just women’s business, when the act of creating the child was not. I also thought I knew Mary well enough to know that she loved nothing better than being with Liam. She needed to know he was just outside her room. If she chose not to ask for him, then so be it, but what if she wanted him with her, but didn’t realise he was waiting out here?

  Shortly after, the maid came scurrying out, bidding Liam to enter, which he did faster than I would have thought possible. I was about to return to spend the remaining wait with my father, but then decided to stay where I was. I wanted to be close by in case the worst happened, and Liam needed me. We had always been close as boys, there only being a year between us, and had remained very close as grown men. I went into one of the adjoining chambers, grabbing a chair and pulling it out into the hallway, then settled in to wait. As I waited, my mind started wandering again, and as it always did, wandered back to Eleanor. What was she doing now? Had she married? Was she even now growing big with another man’s child? My fists clenched in anger and grief at this thought. I couldn’t stand the thought of another man touching her, and putting his child in her belly. Even though she would never accept me, I didn’t want her to be with anyone else. Shaking my head at my foolishness, I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees and contemplating the floor, berating myself as all kinds of a fool. I was still in this position when I heard the sweetest sound I had ever heard, a baby’s cry. Shortly after, my mother bustled out, headed towards the solar. I leapt up and chased after her, startling her as she hadn’t seen me.

  “Ma, stop running, what’s happening? I heard the babe, is it healthy? Is Mary safe? How is Liam? What is it? Ma, stop running!”

  My mother finally turned to face me, scaring me when I saw the tears running down her face, then I realised that she was smiling even while crying.

  “Everything is wonderful. Mary is good, she was amazing. Liam is bawling like a big babe with relief that it is all over, ye would think he was the one who just birthed that child! It’s a boy, and a fine strong one too. Now, I have to go and tell yer father. Let me go ye big oaf!”

  This last was squeaked as I enfolded Ma in a big hug. Life was good.

  Eleanor

  My life was over. I was sure of it. Or at least, life as I knew it, as I could bear it. After being brought back by Liam McGarrow last year, my father had barely let me have a moment alone. I had been surprised on the journey when I talked with Liam to find that I actually liked him, and that I had been wrong about him and his family. He told me about how he had kidnapped Mary, and how her family refused to pay her ransom, and how happy that had made him because then she stayed, and they fell in love. I watched him as he spoke, and it was obvious that he loved his wife dearly, and couldn’t wait to get rid of me so that he could get back to her. If I closed my eyes slightly, I could almost think that it was the oaf speaking. They didn’t look a lot alike, apart from their general build and hair colour, but had very similar voices. Both were very deep and were quite appealing. I could see why Mary had fallen for him, and imagined that his brother was also very popular with women. Sometimes I wondered about Liam, he would talk about his brother quite a bit, looking at me oddly as he did. Did he think that I liked his brother? I doubted it. Because he spoke about his brother so much, I stopped thinking of him as ‘the oaf’ and started thinking of him by his name – Donald – and was surprised by the stories that Liam told me. Once we returned home, my father was initially suspicious of Liam’s conduct towards me, and also of how I had been treated in the house. My face flamed when I realised that what he was really asking was if anyone in the McGarrow household had taken me to bed, and I could tell by the muscle tic in Liam’s jaw that the implication annoyed him. Finally my father accepted that my virtue was still intact, although I am sure that a close watch was kept on me after my return to make sure that my next course came on time.

  All through the remainder of the summer and the fall, I was never left alone, my father even detailing a guard to sleep outside my door so that I could not sneak off in the night. The winter was even worse, many people moved into the keep for shelter and there seemed to be people wherever I went. Even the few times I managed to get out for a ride, I had a guard with me. Late in the winter, it became clear why my father had decided to guard me so closely, that man who seemed to see through my pretences had returned, and he was not only a guest of the house, but he seemed to be the only person my father was prepared to let me be alone with. Perversely, I did not want to be alone with him, he stared at me in a way which made me uncomfortable, and whenever he was in the keep, I dogged the steps of my mother and the other ladies, pretending an interest in needlecraft, cooking and babies that I did not have. Unfortunately, this seemed to send the wrong message to my family, belatedly I realised that they thought I was expressing an interest in ‘ladies pursuits’ as I wanted to head my own household. It became obvious that I had given the wrong impression when my mother took me aside and began talking to me about things I had never thought to hear from my own mother’s mouth.

  “Ma! Why are ye telling me these things! Ye never have before!”

  “I’ve tried Eleanor, but ye were never interested. I thought ye might be a bit scared. Yer first time can be a bit frightening and painful if ye don’t have a good husband. Why, ye father…”

  MA! Don’t tell me about ye and Da doing… that! That’s just, just, no – don’t even make me think about it”.

  “But ye have to listen, Eleanor, I have to make sure ye know what goes on between a man and his wife, I don’t want ye to get any unpleasant surprises when yer time comes”.

  “What time? What are ye trying to tell me, Ma?”

  My mother had the grace to look uncomfortable. I don’t know whether father had planned to tell me himself, or whether she thought I knew, but she took a breath and kept talking.

  “Lachlan has offered for ye, Eleanor. I’m not sure that it would be a good match for ye, he seems a bit, hmm, domineering? Yes, that’s the word, he seems a bit domineering for such a free spirit as yerself, but yer father thinks it’s time ye got married, and ye have scared away everyone else. I don’t know whether he will be a good or a bad husband, but he doesn’t strike me as being the most considerate of men, so I’m trying to tell ye how to make sure the wedding night goes as well as possible, if it comes to that”.

  I fell back from my mother in horror. How had it come to this? I had thought that I could stay in my home forever, but it seemed not. I knew my father well enough that pleading with him would not help, I would have to come up with some other strategy. My mother, bless her heart, would try to get my father to change his mind, but was trying her best to prepare me for what would happen if he did not. I briefly thought of myself and Lachlan as one of those copulating couples I had seen in the past, and then dismissed the thought. I could not picture myself doing that with Lachlan. But even as I had tried to picture myself with him, instead of Lachlan’s blond hair I saw a mass of red curls, and instead of Lachlan’s blue eyes, I saw the green eyes of Donald McGarrow. Now, I could imagine myself groaning as the man in that vision thrust against me, but he was not the man that I was likely to be in that position with. I ran off to the stables, needing to clear my head, and not caring what my guard might think at my hasty departure. So intent was I on saddling the horse I used now that my beloved Midnight was not available to me, that I did not notice the change occurring nearby. I rode out at full pelt, heading for the meadows. It was now early summer, and the sun was warm on my back as I gave my horse her head, hearing the thundering hooves behind me and disregarding them. My horse galloped for miles before slowing, then I let her fall to a walk as I sat atop her, idly considering what options were open to me. If I ran, where would
I go? How would I survive? I had been thoroughly spoilt, and didn’t even know how to cook or manage a household, even if I made my way to a large town, could I even find a job as a maid or tavern wench? My mare began heading to a stream, and I dismounted so that she could take a drink, patting her side affectionately. I looked around, shocked to see how far we had ridden, then heard the horse of my guard move up behind me, and the rider dismount as I had. I turned to see who today’s guard was, and my eyes narrowed in shock as I saw Lachlan smiling at me, with a predatory glint in his eye.

  “What are ye doing here?” I asked worriedly, looking around and realising belatedly that we were alone, and a long way from home. I cursed my foolishness and my perverseness. Although I usually hated having a guard, I would really prefer not to be alone with Lachlan right now.

  “Yer father thought we should have the opportunity to talk. I don’t think he thought ye would ride so far, but maybe ye wanted to be alone with me?” he said quietly, as he moved towards me and reached a hand up to brush a tendril of hair back from my face. It must have come loose from my braid in my furious ride. I stepped back, suddenly afraid.

  “No, I didn’t come out here to be alone with ye. I came out to think. Now that I have, I think I’ll be getting back home”.

  I went to mount my horse again, but Lachlan stopped me.

  “I don’t think so. Ye rode hard, and I had to, to keep up with ye. Both our horses are spent, and need a rest. Maybe we can find something to do to pass the time until they are ready to return home. Ye know I have asked yer father for yer hand in marriage. He wanted to talk to ye first, but I can think of a way ye can make sure he will give his consent”.

  I backed up as Lachlan advanced. I had been curious about what happened when a man and a woman joined, but I knew I didn’t want to find out anything about Lachlan. He had a look in his eye which I did not like, and I did not think he would be concerned about my pleasure. If he was concerned about me at all, he should have noticed my hesitation, and respected it, but it looked to me as if he didn’t care what I wanted to do at all. In fact, my mother’s warnings about how the first time could be painful if a man did not take the time to be considerate of his woman’s needs rang in my head, and I somehow knew that Lachlan would not be concerned about my wellbeing at all. I decided to be assertive, believing that my position in my household would protect me if I made my position clear.

  “No, Lachlan. I know what ye want to do to me, and I don’t want to. I think my first time should be in a marriage bed, with a husband who cares for me, not in a field with a man who says he wants to marry me but hasn’t got my father’s permission yet. Yer scaring me a little bit Lachlan, and I want ye to leave me alone until I speak to my Da.”

  I knew when the words were out of my mouth that I had made a mistake. Lachlan’s eyes had narrowed when I told him I didn’t want him, but when I said he scared me, I had seen the flush run up his face, and his eyes take on a feverish glint. I got really scared then, realising that he was the type of person who enjoyed other people’s fear and pain. We had a groom like that once, who whipped horses too often, and then started whipping the stable boys, and he had been chased off our lands before he could hurt anyone else. I backed up further, coming up against my horse, who skittered a little away from me. I licked my lips in fear, again knowing I had made another mistake, as Lachlan’s eyes fixed on my mouth, and he quickly reached for me. Hampered as I was by having the horse at my back, I couldn’t twist out of his way quickly enough, and he grabbed me, pulling me roughly to him, and he pushed his lips against mine. I felt his tongue trying to force its way into my mouth, and I almost retched, but kept my lips grimly closed. I tried to push him away, but he picked me up and carried me a short distance away from the horses, slamming me down into the grass, temporarily winding me. Before I could gather my wits to roll away, Lachlan flung himself down onto me, and started trying to pull my skirts up with one hand, while fumbling with his hose with the other hand. I kicked and struggled, and then finally bit down hard on his ear, tasting blood. Lachlan reared back, then slapped me hard on the face.

  “Bitch. I could have made this easy for ye, but not now. I’m going to take my pleasure from ye, and if ye are any good, I will still marry ye. I like a woman with spirit, so ye can struggle as much as ye want, it will make it better for me anyway. If I don’t like ye afterwards, I can easily tell yer father that those McGarrows lied and ye weren’t pure when ye came to me. I don’t have to marry ye if I don’t want to, so maybe ye might think on that. Once everyone knows ye have been with more than one man, ye will never get another offer, so ye had better hope ye are as good as I think ye will be”.

  I tried one last time to push Lachlan off, but then started crying as I realised he had his shaft out, I could feel it rubbing against my thigh as he tried to prise my legs apart. I started to cry as I could see the wild glint in his eye, and then I closed my eyes because I could not bear to see him anymore. All of a sudden his weight was off me, and belatedly I remembered hearing a roar as there was a whirl of motion over the top of us. I heard the sound of fists connecting with flesh, and looked up to see two men struggling. I couldn’t see who it was, they were rolling away down a small incline, so I stood up on shaky legs, and ran to my horse. She was still tired, but had rested a little, so I urged her forward gently. I realised as she tiredly trotted away that maybe the other man had a horse, I should have taken that. I didn’t know who he was, maybe he was trying to help me, maybe he was only fighting Lachlan for me, and my fate might be no better if he won, but I wasn’t going to stay around to find out.

  Donald

  Just as I had so often, I found myself riding near the border with McDonnell lands, chiding myself for my foolishness. The air felt oppressive, and I looked up into the summer sky to see dark clouds gathering. My mount whinnied, obviously smelling the storm coming in the air, and I was about to turn back when I saw two horses racing along towards the stream. Even from this distance, I could see that the lead horse carried a woman, her hair had become partially unbound and the red-gold length of it streamed out behind her, and she appeared to be being chased by a man. I watched for a moment longer, not sure if it was a chase or just two young lovers being merry, but something about the man’s carriage did not look right. I decided to risk trespassing on McDonnell lands just to make sure that the lassie was safe. She had the same hair as Eleanor, and I couldn’t bear to think of Eleanor being in this position. The two disappeared down into a slight valley, apparently headed to the river, and I lost sight of them, so I urged my mount to run faster. When I crested the slight hill, I was horrified to see the man throw the woman down onto the ground, and launch himself on top of her. She was clearly struggling and this was obviously not a case of a pair of young lovers enjoying some time alone. I stopped my mount just short of them as there was a small cliff, and I launched myself the rest of the way. I almost flew over the top of them, crunching into the man and both of us rolling off the woman. I landed a few good punches on him, without him getting more than one in on me. The coward tried to pull a knife, but I twisted his hand until I think I almost broke it and then slammed his head into the ground so hard that he lost consciousness. I looked down at him, revolted to see his flaccid penis exposed. It appeared I may have been too late to prevent harm coming to the poor lassie, and I looked around, afraid that I would see her curled up in a ball. I didn’t know how I would get her back to our keep where she could get some attention. She would probably not want a man touching her right now, but I couldn’t see any other way. I didn’t know if this coward had friends nearby, and I wanted to put some distance between the girl and him before he woke up. I couldn’t see her anywhere, then realised that her horse was missing. Running back to my horse, Shadow, I vaulted onto his back, and walked him back to where her horse had been. I found some tracks and looked in the distance in the direction that the tracks led, and saw the horse walking slowly, with a huddled mass on its back. I urged my horse to a ga
llop, one eye on the man on the ground, one eye on the gathering clouds above. I looked towards the woman, and realised that she was trying to spur her horse to a gallop, she must have heard me and thought that she was in danger from me. Not having time for a gentle approach, I thundered up behind her, trying to grab her reins as we drew close.

  I overshot her as she pulled her horse to a halt, then jumped off its back, running into the trees. I followed her, looping Shadow’s reins loosely over a tree branch, then tried calling out as I followed what I thought was her trail, hoping to reassure her.

  “I’m not here to hurt ye. I need to see if ye are injured, and I want to take ye home to my family, so the women can look after ye. My Ma is there, and my brother’s wife, they can help ye if that man hurt ye. I need to make sure yer safe. Was he alone, or are there others? We probably need to get away from here, there’s only me and if he has other men with him, I might not be able to protect ye”.

  So intent was I on trying to reassure the frightened woman, that I almost didn’t see the tree branch coming at me. It was only a young, pliable, branch, she must have pulled it back to let it spring back towards me. I ducked. It flew past so fast that it probably would have taken off my head if it had hit me. I thinned my lips. I had to find her fast, not only to protect her, but also myself. I stopped walking and talking, and listened. Hearing what I needed, I smiled and stepped carefully, careful not to make any noise, heading off the trail and into the woods. I stepped quietly, hearing the panicked woman blundering around. She had lost her sense of direction and was almost circling. Sure enough, she soon appeared, looking back over her shoulder, and as she cannoned into me, I braced myself, putting my arms around her, and pulling her close to me as she began to scream and struggle. I pinned her arms so that she could not move them, and withstood a few kicks to my shins before I backed her up against a tree so that she couldn’t pull her feet back far enough to get the leverage for a good kick anymore. I hated to use my physical strength to overpower her, considering what she had just been through, but she was in such a panic I knew she wouldn’t listen to me. So I held her there, squashed between my body and the tree, not saying anything, not moving, until my stillness seemed to communicate something to her and she stopped struggling. When I thought she might have calmed enough to hear me, I spoke, as gently as I could.