Memories of a Highlander

by Susan Bella Ikin

  Liam turned back to me smiling, and suddenly I understood. Mary had said that tongues would wag if she had called her child D’arcy. D’arcy had vowed to protect Mary, and he had fought Liam. Although I didn’t doubt that Mary loved Liam, I knew how gossip could spread. There would probably be people who would think that Liam and D’arcy had fought over Mary, and even though he had left, if she had given her child his name, it would have caused gossip. I nodded my head and looked around, struck by the difference between this place and my home. Even though the men were obviously comfortable teasing Liam about this D’arcy, it was very good natured, not nasty like the gossip at my family home had been. The longer I stayed at this place, the more I liked it.

  I especially liked it when Donald picked me up and took me to our chamber to rest. I had been feeling a little tired, and he must have noticed. He lay me down gently on the bed and lay beside me, his big hand smoothing along my abdomen, until the gentle motion relaxed me enough that I closed my eyes to sleep.

  When I awoke, I thought I was again alone. It was late in the afternoon, and I struggled to sit up, wondering how I was going to move about. I need not have worried, for I heard movement and looked over to the window. Donald arose from the chair he had been sitting in and came to my side.

  “How are ye feeling after yer sleep, Eleanor?” He asked, his big hand smoothing my hair.

  “Good. I think I may have been more tired than I thought. Have ye been here all the time, watching me sleep?”

  Donald laughed.

  “I slept a little as well, yesterday took more from me than I thought as well. But when I woke, I did not want to leave ye. I know ye well enough to know that if ye woke up alone, ye are stubborn enough that ye would have tried to walk by yerself. Ye would surely have fallen and hurt yerself worse. Mary poked her head in and told me about yer wish to learn to read, Eleanor, so she found some books for ye to start with. We do not have much time for reading here, so have very few books, but we can start with what we have”.

  I looked at Donald, embarrassed that he knew of my shortcomings. I looked down, playing with the lacing of my tunic, and was unable to look at him again. He moved a little closer.

  “Eleanor, is something wrong? Do ye not want to learn to read? Because if it doesn’t interest ye, just say so. I don’t want to make ye do anything ye don’t want to do”.

  I looked up at Donald, and I couldn’t help it but tears began falling from my eyes.

  “Hey, hey, Eleanor, what is troubling ye? Are ye hurting anywhere?”

  I threw myself into Donald’s arms babbling about how unhappy he must be, stuck with such an ignorant, stupid person as myself, who couldn’t even do something that everyone around could do. Donald gently put me from him, staring into my eyes in concern.

  “What, do ye mean because ye can’t read yer letters? Eleanor, lots of people can’t, both women and men. People who don’t need to learn generally don’t bother. It doesn’t mean ye are stupid or ignorant, just that ye were learning other things. From what Ian told us, ye probably ride better than anyone here, and ye know how to train a horse to do what ye want it to do, if ye were stupid ye couldn’t do that. I didn’t mean to upset ye with my suggestion, especially right now”.

  “But Donald, ye can read, and write, and I know Mary can read. I know books are expensive, if ye have them in yer home, then other people must read too”.

  Donald breathed out in exasperation as he kissed my hair.

  “Yes, love. Father had all his sons taught to read, as we all may need to know how to keep the accounts and write letters on behalf of clan business. Even though Liam will eventually take over management of the keep and the lands, it is a dangerous life, and if anything happened to him, the job would fall to one of Da’s other sons, most likely me. Mary learned to read and to write before she came here. She told Liam that where she came from, girls weren’t taught to read, but that her husband Edmund, and their friend D’arcy taught her. Not many people here can read more than their own names. Bridget can read and write, as she needs to keep recipes for her potions, and of course the priest can read, as he must read scriptures at Mass. There is nothing to be ashamed of, ye really have no need to learn, but if ye want to, I am happy to teach ye, as is Mary. If ye don’t want people to know, we can do it in private, and Mary will keep yer secret too. Tell me though, if ye have got through yer whole life up to now without reading, why do ye want to now?”

  I gazed at Donald, again amazed that this wonderful man had so much time for me. After all the trouble that I had put him and his family through, he was still demonstrating how considerate he was. He deserved nothing but the truth.

  “I didn’t want to feel stupid when our bairns learned to read. I knew if ye could read, then ye would teach them as well, and I didn’t want to not be able to help them if they asked me something”.

  At the mention of bairns, Donald’s eyes darkened and he moved closer to me, his voice dropping to a whisper as he spoke into my ear.

  “I am pleased to hear that ye want bairns with me. Do ye really want them, or do ye just accept that they will come along because we are married?”

  I turned to look at Donald, who was staring at me with an unreadable expression in his eyes. Did he still not know how I felt?

  “Donald, it’s both. I know that it’s the act of copulation that makes bairns, I still don’t know exactly why, but I know that’s how it happens. But it’s not just that, I held Mary’s baby and I looked at him, and wondered what a child would look like if he was yers and mine, and I knew that I wanted to find out. I want to have a bairn with ye, or many bairns if we are blessed with them”.

  At my admission that I did not know how bairns were created, a look of shock passed across Donald’s face, and then he slid down in the bed, dragging me with him, until I was lying flat in the bed, with him leaning over me.

  “Eleanor, I cannot believe that ye do not know how a woman gets with child. Did yer mother never tell ye? Ye remember what happens when ye bring me to climax, how my seed comes out? Well, imagine that my shaft is buried deep inside ye when that happens, my seed enters yer womb, and that’s how a child is made. And now that I am thinking about doing that with ye, I am so frustrated that yer injuries prevent that right now. As for yer idea that we might only have one bairn, it would not be for lack of trying, let me tell ye. As soon as ye are healed, I plan to take ye to bed and not let ye out of it until neither of us is capable of walking”.

  My mouth went dry and I had to swallow before I could talk. At last the mystery was solved. It had always confused me how a man putting his shaft inside a woman could make a bairn, but I understood a little more now. As I looked at Donald, at the look of intensity in his face, I could picture how it could be between us. I remembered how he thrusted against my hands, or in my mouth, and I imagined him doing that inside me. I felt the area between my legs grow hot and damp as I thought of it.

  “How long do ye think it will be, before I heal enough?” I asked, with a tremor in my voice. Tomorrow could not be soon enough.

  Donald blew out a breath of frustration.

  “Ye are young and strong, so maybe only a couple of weeks, although it might be longer if yer healing does not progress well”.

  I groaned at the thought of waiting that long. At my groan of frustration, Donald slipped his hand under the covers, smiling wickedly at me as he leaned in to kiss me, at the same time working his big hand up under my clothing.

  Donald

  The last two weeks had been very interesting, to say the least. Eleanor and I continued to pleasure each other as much as was possible with the constraints imposed on us by her injuries. While I enjoyed being able to touch her beautiful body, and watch her lose herself in the pleasures of her climax, and I appreciated her growing boldness and her obvious enjoyment of bringing me pleasure, I was becoming increasingly unsatisfied with the fact that we could not yet consummate our marriage fully. I alternated between happy satisifaction and increasi
ng moodiness as time wore on and I still felt as if our marriage was not yet a real one. What we had done so far, while enjoyable, was not much more than what many a courting couple might get up to. We had been married for some time now, and although we slept in the same bed night after night, and both clearly wanted the same things from our marriage, it was not yet the time for us. Eleanor had long gotten over her fear of men, and so I waited impatiently for her injuries to heal. Finally, Liam took me aside one day, determined to discover why I had been so bad tempered of late.

  “Donald, it is not like ye to bite people’s heads off for little insult. I know ye have been worried about Eleanor, but if ye are worried about reprisals from Lachlan’s family, it seems less and less likely as time goes on. Duncan said that he would send a messenger if he heard anything after his return home, and as we have heard nothing, it seems that from his family at least, there will be no trouble. From what he told us of his father’s remorse, I believe they would be our allies if we ever need them, so at least something good has come from this. I know ye worry about the wellbeing of the people under our charge, but if that’s what’s worrying ye, then ye need to stop. Worrying will not change anything. Ye know that Da is already planning a trip into town for many of the household, he is only waiting to be sure that the trouble has passed first. Do not spoil the mood with yer dour face. If there is anything that is troubling ye, maybe I can help?”

  I looked at Liam, wondering how much I should say. I knew what was behind this trip our father had planned, and I knew that many of the villagers were looking forward to it. There was a large market town only a few day’s ride away, a bit longer if wagons were taken. A trip was an opportunity for the restocking of the household, often there were exotic goods to be found there, things that could not be made in our village. The women folk often bought cloth for new clothing, and many men would find new weapons, sometimes finer than that our local smithy could fashion. It was also the opportunity for some of the single men to let loose and visit some of the brothels. Because of the structured nature of our villages, not all of our people could find someone to settle down with, and some men did not want the responsibility of marriage and children, particularly considering the danger we always faced, that if a man was killed in battle, his wife could find it difficult to manage as a widow. So many men would wait for the opportunity to visit one of the larger towns, where they could sample the favours of many willing ladies, or as many as they could afford. My Da only had two rules, the women must be willing and be paid for the services they provided, and everyone must be back in time to depart on the day that he had nominated in advance. I did not want my sour mood to be noted by anyone on this trip, as I knew how such trips were keenly anticipated. Manytimes, it was not just the seasoned warriors who looked forward to being able to indulge in some of the pleasures of the flesh that they were denied in the close quarters of village life, but it was often the way that the younger men finally got to experience what their bodies had been yearning for, often for some time. I knew that Da was planning to take Ian, much to Ma’s disgust. After word of his valiant defence of Eleanor had spread in our small community, many of the girls around his own age, and even some of the older single women, began to look at him as a man instead of a boy, and some had even started to follow him around, staging accidental meetings. Da had kept a close watch on him in the early days after his fight, knowing that just after a battle, a man can make some foolish decisions when he realises how easily he could have died. Da had decided that it was time to take Ian to town, and I knew what that meant.

  Eleanor would not have liked to know where I had gained the experience that I used to bring pleasure to her. Once I had been a young lad like Ian, lusting after women’s bodies, trying to keep my urges under control without even properly knowing what I was trying to control. I still remembered Evie, who had taken a young lad to her room after promising Da to look after him. She had taken one look at me and smiled, seeming to know what would happen next. As soon as I was sure that she was not only willing to do what I so desperately wanted to do, but seemed to be eager, I had stripped off my clothing and climbed on top of her as she lay on the bed, waiting for me with a smile on my face. Predictably, it had been over all too quickly, and I felt shamed, sure that my performance had been disappointing. Evie had then explained to me that it was often that way the first time, but luckily young men were very quick to recover, and had then spent what seemed to me to be a lot of time showing me delights I had not believed possible. Before our trip was over, I had returned to visit Evie, only to find that she was less than eager to see me. Apparently she took a particular enjoyment from “turning boys into men” as she put it, and no longer had an interest in me. Shrugging my shoulders, I found someone else who was prepared to take my coin, having discovered that sex was something I liked a lot. Over time, and over a few trips to town, I found that I enjoyed the experience of visiting prostitutes less and less. Of course I enjoyed the physical release they could give, but as I grew older I learned that it was not enough that these women were prepared to be with me because I paid them to, I wanted them to be with me because they wanted to. Previously, I had wondered why Liam had stopped visiting the brothels, and over time I worked out for myself that he too found that physical relief was meaningless without some sort of connection as well. However, it was not an experience that I believed I had any right to deny to Ian, or any man, so when Ian asked tentatively what should he do, I told him to visit Evie.

  But although I could discuss the details of such dalliances with my brothers, I did not feel comfortable telling my brother what my wife and I had done, or rather, what we had not done. How could I answer Liam’s question, telling him what my problem was, without disclosing intimate details of what passed between Eleanor and myself in our chamber? I tried to shrug him off and to change the subject at first.

  “Liam, ye do not need to worry about me. I have had my worries over the last few weeks I know, and maybe it is making me more short tempered that I should be, but I will try to be more patient with people in future. I know that Da is delaying his departure until he is sure there will not be any more trouble here, but I would hate to think he does not think I am capable of looking after the keep and the village while he is gone. Tell me, is that why ye and Mary are staying behind and not going? I know that little wee Robert is still very small, but Mary could travel in a wagon with him, surely? I would have thought that she would not want to miss the change in routine. Because if ye are staying because ye do not think I can defend the keep, I am more than a little insulted”.

  Liam clapped me on the back, hard. My brother sometimes forgot his strength, or maybe he did not.

  “No, that is not why we stay. If I tell ye, ye must not tell Ma and Da. Ye can tell Eleanor if ye think she can keep a secret though. We do not travel because Mary is not feeling well in the mornings, and does not want to be far from home”.

  I looked at him in surprise.

  “Another bairn? So soon? Is that wise?”

  Liam’s eyes darkened and he looked uncertain.

  “It probably isn’t wise, but we foolishly listened to the old wives’ tales that said a woman will not fall with child when she is nursing one already. I can tell ye, that is not true. The new bairn will be here when Robert is not much more than a year old. I worry about Mary. I know she did well with Robert’s birth, but I am not happy that there will be another bairn so soon. I will have to get her to relax more and not work so hard, but ye know how stubborn Mary can be”. He smiled suddenly as he turned to me.

  “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our sons could play together? Do I dare to hope that Eleanor is already with child, so that Robert and the new one will have someone to play with?”

  With that question, Liam had left me an opening to tell him what had been troubling me. I debated with myself for only a brief time about whether to talk to him or not. Liam had been my best friend all my life, and I knew that he and Mary had some troubles at fir
st, maybe he would not laugh if I unburdened myself.

  “No, Liam, Eleanor is not with child. It would be impossible, for she is still a maiden”.

  Liam stood up, staring at me in disbelief.

  “How can that be? I have seen the way ye both look at each other, ye can’t convince me that either of ye does not want the other. Ye sleep in the same chamber every night, and ye have done before she was injured. I understand that at the moment, things might be difficult for ye, and I thought that maybe a bit of frustration might have been why ye were so bad-tempered lately, yet other times ye seem quite happy with each other, I don’t understand”.

  “When we first married, Eleanor was afraid. Lachlan had frightened her, she was afraid of giving herself, of giving over any power, to anyone. I was determine to be patient, thinking that the prize was worth the wait, and if we had not had to go out chasing Lachlan, I am sure that the wait would have been over by now. But with her injuries, I will not risk hurting her now. I know it is only a matter of time, but it is very difficult to wait, holding her in my arms every night. Ye can’t imagine how that is”.

  Liam laughed.

  “Oh yes, I can. There was a time when Mary was pregnant with Robert, when we could not enjoy each other as we were so used to doing. I know exactly what ye are feeling now. It is very difficult to lie with yer wife each night, and keep yer hands, and everything else, to yerself. Now I understand why ye are grouching around like a bear. I will bother ye no more, but if ye could try to be more pleasant around Da, it would be greatly appreciated”.

  I felt much better after this talk with Liam. At least I felt better that Liam understood that I didn’t mean to be bad-tempered, but I still spent a lot of time swimming in the loch.

  Da could only delay the journey for another two weeks, as the weather was already starting to turn. As it had now been a month since Lachlan had died, which had been plenty of time for the news to reach his family, Da decided that they must have decided that his death was not worth any more lives, and consequently a large host of people departed for the trip. Liam and I stood on the wall to watch them depart, talking idly about who had gone, and who had chosen to stay. Mostly we had been left in charge of a few warriors who either did not want to travel, were sick or injured, women, elderly folk and young children. Even Bridget had elected to travel, saying that she would enjoy the opportunity to talk to other healers, and exchange recipes and ideas.