It was a very intense process, as millions of women already know. It really messed with my body and made me gain a lot of weight, which I was not thrilled about. First, they had to make sure I was at the right point in my menstrual cycle before we could even begin. There were tons of doctor’s visits, which meant ultrasounds and having my blood drawn constantly. I also had to administer dozens of shots to myself, which I’d never done before. Those made my hormone levels go crazy. Then I had to do the final injection—called HCG. The timing of that is so specific. They monitor you with more ultrasounds and then tell you the exact hour to do it. If the shot is given too early, the eggs will not be mature enough. If it’s given too late, the eggs may be too ripe and won’t fertilize properly. I couldn’t believe it. It was all very stressful. I see why people do it when they can’t get pregnant on their own, but in our case it seemed excessive. Having sex is much easier!! Still, I kept thinking if it’ll make Joe happy, then it’ll make me happy.
Finally, once all that was done, they took the eggs out of me and then Joe did his thing so they could get a sperm sample and complete the fertilization process before weeding out the boys and implanting them into my uterus. I didn’t understand exactly how all that worked, but we decided to put three eggs in. I remember the doctor saying, “You know you could have twins or triplets.” And I said, “No, I just want one!” But we knew the odds would be better if we went with three, so we took a chance. Can you imagine if we’d had six kids?! Three girls and three boys! That would have been insane. And I’d be even more irritated at Joe now if I had to deal with all that by myself.
Unfortunately, in the end, it didn’t work. We didn’t even get one egg that took. I was disappointed, because I’d been through so much for no reason, and because it was so expensive. Joe was ticked off that I didn’t get pregnant. He said, “You never had a problem before. I can’t believe you did all this and we paid so much for nothing.” He felt like he’d been ripped off. He didn’t like being told that he still owed money but had nothing to show for it. That’s how Joe is. He lets his frustration get in the way of common sense. The fact is, it doesn’t matter whether it works. You’re still responsible for the balance.
So this is where Joe got stupid. The same way he did with our taxes. He refused to give the outstanding ten thousand dollars we owed to the fertility clinic, simply because he didn’t want to pay them. And because he felt wronged. The thing is, you can’t do that. You can’t act that way! He should have known that. He should have behaved like a grown-up. I wanted to just pay them and get it over with. But I didn’t have a leg to stand on back then because it was before the show and I didn’t have a salary of my own. Joe said to me, “Listen to your husband.” So just like when he asked me to sign those tax documents, I did.
And guess what happened? The fertility clinic put a lien on our house. Yup, that’s right.
So, again, I said to him, “Just pay them!” I didn’t give a shit about the money, because—for whatever reason—I didn’t want anyone to find out we’d done IVF in the first place. I don’t know why I felt that way. Now, in retrospect, I’m glad I’m finally talking about it.
For the record, I paid the money back when I got home from prison. I just wanted to move on and clean everything up. I wanted everything to be good.
Of course Joe and I went on to have a fourth child anyway—the good old-fashioned way—and it was another girl! Our sweet Audriana. Thank God the in vitro didn’t work, because then we may never have had her. Life has a funny way of working out like that. And now we’re so done! I’m happy with my four daughters.
But I’m still not happy with Joe. Actually, that’s the understatement of the friggin’ century. And I’m not going to hide it anymore. It took me a while to get here. At first, I tried to cover for him. I tried to believe that he had no idea what he was doing. That’s what I would tell anyone who asked. I loved my husband. I stood behind him and supported him. I thought, Why would he lie? Why would he do something so blatantly wrong? And, most important, why the fuck would he drag me down with him?! Did he think we were invincible? Again, just stupid decision making on his part, and I have no more patience for stupidity anymore.
I just can’t ignore the truth. Not when it’s staring me right in the face.
I used to lead a charmed life. Joe made plenty of money to support our family and then some. I didn’t have to work at all. I could go shopping whenever I wanted. There were plenty of times when I spent upward of ten thousand dollars on clothing and accessories for myself and the girls without batting an eyelash. I didn’t have a worry in the world. I also had a husband at home to help out with things, even though most of the domestic responsibilities were mine. I didn’t care! I had nothing else to do except take care of my kids, do the errands, and cook dinner every night. I was happy and relaxed.
Until Joe fucked up. And he fucked up bad.
After that, life became very different.
Now I’m a single mother. I handle everything. All of it. And I support my entire family financially, which is a big weight on my shoulders on top of everything else.
I take all four kids to school every day, which means making lunches, and driving back and forth, since they’re at different schools. I sign them up for and bring them to all their activities, help with homework, and cook dinner. I go to the supermarket and the dry cleaner and run a long list of other errands. There’s always something! I make sure that the girls have what they need in the way of clothing and sports equipment. I’m a 24-7 mom. I also work, pay the bills, and handle everything for the house. I do have a cleaning lady every other week, but when you have a ten-thousand-plus-square-foot home, four acres of land, four kids, and dogs, that’s not enough! So I’m also the backup housekeeper. I’m literally wiping down countertops all day long! It never ends.
Not to mention that I’m also handling the stuff Joe used to do. Every week there’s something that goes wrong in our house. We’ve been living here coming up on ten years, so things are falling apart left and right. The gate just broke, so I had to call someone to come fix that. Every winter the columns start deteriorating and we have to re-cement them. The landscaping needs work. The garage opener on the wall, where you punch in the code, just fell down, so now I have to deal with that. And the other day I had to call the electrician for some other issues. It’s constant.
And don’t even get me started on the laundry. I’m scared to count the number of loads I do every week! I will say that my kids are amazing. They pitch in as much as they can, even though they’re so busy with school and extracurricular activities. I taught them all how to do laundry. Gabriella learned when I got home, and Gia took on some of it while I was away, even though my mom was also around and she did most of it. She was an enormous help to Joe. I only wish she could be here for me, too.
Listen, I deal with everything. I’m strong like that. And I know there are a lot of other women out there who do the same stuff that I do and then some. I salute them. I really do. But it doesn’t change the fact that I resent it, because for me, it didn’t have to be this way.
I also resent the fact that Joe being gone puts a lot more pressure on my kids. That makes me feel badly for them and angry at Joe. I mean, yes, the girls are fantastic and have been so tough in the face of so much adversity, but why should they have to pick up his slack? Why should their lives have to be affected by what their father did?
For example, when I was in Italy and my father was in the hospital that whole week, Gia had to step up in a major way. Gabriella, too. They all had to help out because I couldn’t be there. I had to work. So all of a sudden they have this huge responsibility when they shouldn’t. They’re kids. They don’t need all that added pressure on them. I want them to enjoy their lives. I don’t want Gia to feel accountable for staying home alone at night with her sisters. I don’t want Gabriella to have to wake up in the morning and make breakfast for everyone. Or for either of them to have to help the younger girls with homewor
k when they already have so much of their own. Sure, I think my daughters should do chores around the house and learn to be capable adults who appreciate all that they have.
But this is just too much.
And, believe me, I give Joe plenty of attitude about it. No more playing the supportive wife. Some days when I talk to him I’m in a good mood, some days I’m in a cranky mood. It depends how my day is going. Joe gets it. Or at least I hope he does.
He’s always saying things like, “Honey, I’m so sorry. When I come home, I will do everything you’re doing now. You won’t have to do anything. I will drive the kids everywhere.”
Blah, blah, blah. I’ll believe it when I see it.
It’s not that I think he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. I do. It’s just a long time until he comes home, and actions speak much louder than words. He claims he’s working on himself so that he can be a better husband. He says he’s going to appreciate me more like he did when I got home.
I sure hope so, because if he doesn’t, I’m not sure what will happen. I guess I’m going to cross that bridge when I get to it. I’d like to think he won’t be the same person as he was before. There’s just no way that he won’t change. I mean, all you do in prison is think about how to improve yourself. I’m definitely not the same person I was before I was incarcerated.
My kids know I’m frustrated with their father. I can’t hide that, nor would I want to. They hear me talking to him and snapping at him sometimes. I just tell them, “Listen, nothing is guaranteed in life. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me and Daddy. I’m just living day by day.” And, for now, I’m waiting for their father, because I’m not going to divorce him while he’s locked up.
But, to tell you the truth, I don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean, do I see Joe and me together in ten years? Do I see us growing old together? I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. He’ll always be a part of my life, because he’s the father of my children; that I can say for sure. You just never know what’s going to happen. I never thought I would lose my mother when she was only sixty-six years old. Life is a roller coaster, and you have to ride the highs and the lows all the same.
What I do know about my life in ten, twenty, thirty years is that I’ll have my kids beside me. And given that, I’ll have found the root of my happiness. My daughters are everything to me. That will never change.
Just the other day, this woman who lives in my town came up to me at a restaurant and said, “I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your mom.” Then she told me that she understood what I was going through because she’d just lost her son at nineteen years old. Can you imagine that? Nineteen! He hadn’t even lived his life yet. I was so sad for her. I’ve always been the mom who said if anything ever happened to my kids, I would die right along with them. I also said if anything ever happened to my parents, I’d die with them, too. And then look what happened. I’m still here. Some days are hard—unbearable, even—but I’m still standing.
My point is that life is short and we never know what tomorrow will bring. Never in a million years did I think I’d be experiencing such profound emptiness. My mother was the only person I could depend on when everyone else depends on me. I used to talk to her about everything. And while I can and do talk to my dad now that she’s gone, it’s not exactly the same. I used to go deeper with her. That’s the relationship of a mother and daughter—at least that was our relationship. I confided in her about Joe all the time and how furious I was.
She would just say, “Whatever makes you happy. I will stand by you no matter what. I just want you to be happy and at peace.” My dad says the same thing. It’s rare to have a marriage like theirs and still be so in love almost half a century later!
No one in our family has ever gotten divorced. But my parents both said they’d be fine with it if I decide to leave Joe. They feel like I didn’t deserve what happened to me. They definitely feel like Joe is to blame, but—again—they never said a bad thing about him. I think that’s beyond amazing, especially because Joe’s mother called me a bitch and blamed me for the whole thing. Trust me, my parents could have ripped into him because it was all his doing. But they never did, despite the fact that he left me with four kids and a mountain of debt.
I had to pay restitution. I paid off all the bankruptcy stuff, since we ended up withdrawing from filing. And I still have taxes to pay. I’m always worrying about making sure I can support my family. I’m counting on the fact that there will be a season nine of Real Housewives, but nothing is guaranteed in this world. I need the show to stay afloat while I broaden the rest of my career.
Unfortunately, Joe can’t make any money while he’s in prison, and who knows what he’ll do when he gets out. I don’t know if he can go back to construction. He has to earn people’s trust again. He has to figure that all out. Because, I’ll tell you one thing, he is not going to sit at home and do nothing. Or just play Mr. Mom. He needs to get to work and support his family without evading his taxes. He says he’s thinking while he’s in prison about what he’s going to do to make money when he gets out. He asked me to trademark some “wine in a can” thing the other day. Who knows if that will ever come to fruition, but I’m trying to get him a patent in case it does. I hope he finds something to succeed at. For his benefit and my benefit, yes, but mostly for our kids. They deserve the world, and Joe needs to help me give them that.
I never thought I’d be a single mother. I never thought I’d be the sole breadwinner for our family. I didn’t sign up for this.
Yet here I am. And it’s a lot.
Still, I’m keeping my head above water. I’m killing myself every day to do that. I won’t give up.
I’m standing strong.
Celebrating Audriana’s First Communion with her godmother, Dina Manzo. She told me that day that she and her boyfriend, Dave, were engaged. I was beyond excited for them! I love, love, love Dina. She’s beautiful inside and out and just the sweetest, most authentic person. All I want is to see her happy.
This was my mom’s sixty-sixth birthday. I had no idea it would be the last one I would ever spend with her. It’s heartbreaking just to think about that. I am glad, though, that we had such a nice celebration for her at Joey and Melissa’s house. We all had dinner together—me and my kids, my mom, my dad, Joey, Melissa, and their kids. My parents cooked together, even though it was my mom’s special day. They loved to be in control of the cooking!
Here I am with my father at the opening of our family’s brand-new restaurant in East Hanover, New Jersey, called Gorga’s Homemade Pasta & Pizza, which was inspired by my mother. It was a very proud night for all of us.
The girls loved celebrating their big sister’s Sweet 16. We did the décor in all purple. Gia said it was the best night and party ever, which made me so happy.
We celebrated Gia’s confirmation with a beautiful and delicious cake by the Cake Boss, Buddy Valastro. Gia has grown into such a remarkable young woman.
I can’t believe my baby Gia turned Sweet 16! We had her party at the Dream Hotel in New York City.
Gia looked so gorgeous before the prom! Her dress is by Jacqueline Boutique in Livingston, NJ.
Audriana showing her American pride by posing as Olympic gold medalist Laurie Hernandez at an event at school. I was so proud of her for picking such a great role model.
I love going to Audriana’s dance competitions. She’s so amazing on stage. I wish I was that flexible!
Audriana did a “wax museum” project at school where everyone had to pick someone they wanted to grow up to be like, and they had to replicate that person. She said she wanted to be Laurie Hernandez, who was part of the US women’s gymnastics team that won the gold medal in the 2016 Summer Olympics.
My gorgeous Audriana on her First Holy Communion. She wore the most stunning white dress, which she designed herself at Little Nikki’s boutique in Ho-Ho-Kus, New Jersey. It was sleeveless and had an enormous puffy white skirt with all sorts of embellishments
, like flowers and crystals. Her hair was in the sweetest ringlets. She looked like a Disney princess!
This is Audriana on her First Communion with her godparents, Dina Manzo and our close family friend John. Dina flew in from California; she’s like a sister to me.
Audriana’s First Communion was such a special day. I wore cutout white lace pants that had white shorts underneath and a white lace spaghetti strap top by Nicole Miller that I absolutely loved. We had an amazing cake, which was in the shape of a huge white cross with big white flowers on it and edible gold rosary beads. Piped in gold icing, it read, “God Bless Audriana 05•13•2017.”
I work hard to maintain a strong, healthy body, so I felt great during this girls’ weekend in Boca Raton, Florida.
I had so much fun doing an appearance and spending time with my girlfriends at the Wynn in Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!
Here I am outside Milan Cathedral in May 2017. After losing my mother, this journey to Italy felt like a pilgrimage. I was destined to be as close to her as I could possibly be.
This was the night I saw “Jennifer Lopez: All I Have” at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. It was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen, and it was so great to meet her that night. She’s even more beautiful in person!
With my oldest daughter, Gia, on the day of her confirmation.
I was so proud of my baby Gia for an amazing weekend at her cheer competition in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. They placed first. What an achievement!
My beautiful daughter Gia on her confirmation. God bless her. I love her so much.
My girls are everything to me. I loved celebrating my forty-fifth birthday with them!
Standing Strong Page 16