“I feel bad too, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“I didn’t come here to make you more upset. Actually, I came by to let you know I won’t be able to make it to your party. Someone asked me to cover for them tonight, and she’s done the same for me so I feel obligated.”
This was heart-wrenching news considering I’d planned the whole thing to be close to her. “Could you come afterwards? I’m sure we’ll all still be hanging out. It’s just the people that were at the pool. Family and couple close friends is all we need to have a good time. I’m sure Chris would like it.”
“Maybe. It depends how late I have to stay. It will probably be after midnight, and I wouldn’t want to drive home that late if I did decide to come.”
“You can stay at the main house. I’ll take you over there myself. Come on,” I continued asking. “It’ll be fun.”
I could tell she was thinking about it. “Okay. If I get out early I’ll come here on one condition.”
“What’s that?” I was willing to do anything.
“Don’t be so hard on Jake tonight. He’s having a tough time too. I know what it’s like to have a sibling that drives you crazy sometimes, but at the end of the day you’d want to be to be there if you could.”
“How many siblings do you have?” It was small talk, and I was curious. Suddenly her body wasn’t the only thing I wanted to get to know.
Amber looked down at her hands, and then back up to me. “I had a sister.”
“Had? Like step or something?”
She shook her head, and I could tell she was fighting back some kind of emotional tug at her heart. “Sorry, I don’t talk about it much.” She paused for a second. “She passed away when I was almost seventeen. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wish I had her around.” All of a sudden she applied a fake smile to that beautiful face. “Enough about me. My concern is you, Jax. Trust me when I say that you need to at least try. Live every day like it’s your last. Don’t wait until it’s too late. It will haunt you forever.”
I wanted to ask what happened to her sister, but when she stood up I could tell she was done talking. I think she probably regretted telling me that story, even though she hadn’t divulged details.
I walked her outside, and saw my brother approaching the house. Amber twisted around to look at me. “You play the tough guy role pretty good, Jax. The thing is, the people that hold everything in tend to lose control at some point. I’d hate for things to get worse for you.”
“How do you know it’s a role? Maybe it’s who I am.” I was pretty annoyed that every woman I was attracted to tried to psychoanalyze me.
“I live my life the same way. It keeps me safe. If I don’t let anyone in, then I can’t be hurt. After a while it gets lonely though, and I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way. I hope you’ll keep that in mind, or at least take my advice and lighten up on Jake. We never know when we’re going to lose the people we love, and I know you love your brother, especially a lot more than that girl probably meant to you.”
When I watched her turn to leave I was angry; not with Amber, but with myself. How could she have pegged me so easily? Had I let my guard down? Was I that obvious?
Amber and Jake were cordial as they passed each other, but it was obvious he wanted to know why she’d stopped by. “There’s no way she’s into you that fast, Jax.”
I threw my hands up. “What can I say, I’m irresistible.” Telling him a boldface lie was easier than admitting that I was pathetic and she’d see right through me.
“You’re full of shit. Did she come to tell you she couldn’t make it tonight? She mentioned it while I was at the pool. I told her you’d be upset.”
I shook my head and fought the urge to shove him across the room. He knew how to push my buttons until I lost control. Amber had that figured. She’d obviously gone through something traumatic, and as curiosity overwhelmed me, I fought with the idea that Jake was still standing in front of me gloating, because she wasn’t going to be able to stop by for the get-together. “She’ll be here. She’s coming after her shift and spending the night.” I may have left out the part where she’d be staying in a different house. My hopes were that she’d stay up all evening and end up crashing at my place, but I couldn’t be too sure. Amber was obviously a special girl. I wanted to know more about her, and was willing to slow the pushing until I figured out how to get her to open up.
Chapter 8
Amber
What was wrong with me?
It was a huge mistake telling Jax about Meg. For years I hadn’t mentioned her name to anyone, not even when I was around my parents. The thought of losing her was still so overwhelming, especially the circumstances around it. It’s why I left home, and how I’d ended up in Kentucky of all places.
It’s why I became a dancer. It was the only thing in my life that made me feel alive again. People think that taking off my clothes left me vulnerable. On the contrary I felt empowered. All eyes were on me because they couldn’t have me. They weren’t allowed to lay one hand on me, no matter what they paid. If someone made me uncomfortable, I wouldn’t provide them lap dances that they may want to pay for. My job was an addiction; one I’d taken up when my whole life had turned upside down. Instead of drowning my sorrows in drugs and booze, I took it out on the stage, becoming someone else that was less damaged.
That’s why I couldn’t understand how I felt the need to pry into the twin’s business.
All of a sudden I’m dropping walls to make an asshat like Jax Mitchell feel better about his predicament.
Sure, he was sexy as hell, and it was clear he knew it, but I wouldn’t go down that road again. I wouldn’t let my attraction to someone make decisions for me, not after the last time ended up with me being raped and left pregnant. Since that day nothing in my life had been the same. Losing my child; the one person in the world that would love me unconditionally, it ripped out my soul, leaving an empty shell.
I’d put up walls, and buried the pain deep down inside, promising that I’d never let anyone get that close to me again.
If it hadn’t been for Christian I’d still be living with the brutal secret. Sharing in something so wretched had given us a common ground. She made me feel safe, and I’d never betray her trust. That’s another reason why I was so mad at myself for telling Jax about losing a sibling. He’d for sure tell her, and then she’d want to know about it, about her and everything that happened in our lives. She’d be sad I didn’t confide in her with a secret deeper than being assaulted. I knew Chris enough to know she’d want to help, but there was nothing she’d be able to do. A part of me died the night my sister left this earth, and there was no way to bring it back.
After warning me to steer clear of her cousins, I was sneaking around trying to help them make amends. I didn’t want to see anything happen to them. God forbid they lost each other forever. I’d never wish that fate on anyone.
Since I was feeling a bit emotional when I left the ranch, I did something I hardly ever thought about anymore. I called my mother. It was a Saturday and I knew she wouldn’t be at the special school working.
She answered after three rings.
“Amber. Is everything okay?” She always asked this same question. What bothered me about it was that it was more rehearsed than anything else.
“I’m fine, mom. I just called to say hello.”
“You sound a little off. Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need money?”
“No. I don’t need anything. Really, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“I’ve been meaning to call you this week. We want you to come visit. Dad’s decided to sell the house, and I was hoping you could help me go through a couple things.”
I knew what things she was talking about going through, and the idea of that made me feel ill. It would be impossible to imagine looking at her stuff. I couldn’t touch them without feeling her there next to me. It was too hard to fathom. “Mom, I_.”
; “Amber, please. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. Can you get off from bartending in the next few weekends? I can send you a plane ticket if you don’t want to drive.”
For once I wished she could talk to me like a normal parent. I wanted her to say she missed me, or to make sure I was eating three meals a day. It was about my mental health, or money. Always.
“I’ll try.”
“Please do. I’ll let your father know so he’ll have someone cover his on-call hours. We’ll go out to brunch, and catch up. It’ll be wonderful.”
“I can’t wait,” I lied.
“Will you be bringing someone with you this time?” This was her way of prying to see if I was involved with anyone. She still didn’t know about the rape. The only reason they’d found out about the child I lost was because I was still on their insurance. It took a couple months to catch up to me, but I didn’t hear the end of it once they learned about the baby.
“I’m not seeing anyone, mom. I told you I’m staying focused on school.”
“Okay, I just thought I’d let you know it’s always okay to bring a friend. I’ll look forward to seeing you. Message me about when I can expect you, and make sure not to cancel. You know how upset your father gets when you break plans with us.”
“I won’t. I’ll be there. I’m heading into work now and I’ll be sure to request the time off.”
“Great. Don’t forget to let me know.”
“I won’t.”
“Okay, bye bye.”
“I love you…” The line had already been disconnected when I said it. I knew she wouldn’t say it back to me. She hadn’t used those words in years.
Since my phone call only left me more disturbed, I decided to focus on work, and getting there in one piece. Now that I’d made plans to travel back home, I’d have to spend now until then preparing myself for that disaster. It wasn’t like I could hire some guy off the streets to pretend to be my boyfriend just to get my parents off my back. That was asking for a catastrophe.
A hot shower did wonders for the growing headache I had coming on when I had finally stepped out of my BMW. The vehicle was a going away present from my parents, so naturally every time I got inside of it I thought of them.
While the beads of water massaged my brain, I closed my eyes and focused on what routine I’d dance to at the club. Since depression was lingering it’s ugly self in my face, I didn’t feel like getting dressed up and doing my hair. That’s why I knew the teacher routine would suffice. I hadn’t done it in a while, and all I’d need was a little bun and the outfit. Trust me, not one person in that audience would care if my hair wasn’t professionally styled. I bet half of them couldn’t even guess it’s length right after I walked off the stage.
I was aware of what I did for a living and how most people construed it. I understood that it wasn’t for everyone. Like I said before, it was my escape. I became someone else when I stepped on that platform, and when my clothes came off it wasn’t hard to maintain that identity. Since I was majoring in the field of helping people cope with mental illness and depression, I knew what I was doing wasn’t healthy. Some days I wanted to stop. Like every addiction, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Without that job, I’d have nothing. I’d be broken again, completely reminded of everything I’d lost in my life.
After gathering my things I headed to the club. I parked in the back behind the fence, where all the employees exited their vehicles safely. Once inside I heard the music playing. Unlike me, most of the employees had a lot of baggage. Some played with drugs. Some sold their bodies for extra cash in and out of the club. Some had been in jail and couldn’t get a job anywhere else. There were several single mothers, who were supporting their children on this one income.
None of them came from money like me. They didn’t have a surgeon father and a special needs educator mother. They didn’t come from a once loving family, or travel the world like I had as a child. That alone gave them enough reasons to not be my friends. None of them wanted to chat, or listen when I had a tough day. They didn’t ask me to hang out, or even babysit their kids, and trust me I offered. They despised me. They loathed that I was educated, and that I had goals. They hated that I didn’t have to do it.
So we fended for ourselves, and I preferred it that way for the most part. The owner, who was a sixty-year-old widow, barely came in. Her husband had passed away leaving the club to her, and she was too prudish to admit she was a part of something risqué. She’d show up to do payroll and check on the conditions of the building. She’d hire the girls, but never let them take off their clothes in front of her. Instead she’d let the dancers decided if that person had what it takes to be an entertainer. I suppose it was smart, but still a bit weird to me.
I clocked in and looked at the dance schedule, making sure I had enough time to do my makeup. With only a few minutes to spare I got to it, applying my fake eyelashes first and then filling in the rest. Just as I finished I heard someone calling my name. I quickly ran back to the music guy and told him which track to play. Hot for Teacher came on and I pranced out on the stage, closing my eyes as Amber, and becoming Charisma when I opened them back up.
Nothing could have prepared me for what it would feel like to look out into the audience and see him sitting there. He’d had his own plans, and made sure I was invited. Yet there he was, looking up at me with that same infatuation as the night before. I had to ignore it like every other set of eyes in the crowd. He was only a guy. Just because he was related to my only true friend didn’t mean I could break my rules. He was here to see the body of the dancer, not Amber, the broken student who’d run from everything, and lost even more in doing so. I couldn’t let myself even consider that he’d want to know the real me; the one who’d had her innocence taken, not once but twice. No matter how hard he pushed, or how bad I felt for him, I couldn’t let Jax Mitchell get close to me. It was a proven fact that two broken souls were key ingredients for a disastrous relationship.
I’d have to push him away, and stop being nice. It was the only way to protect myself, and all the secrets that I kept buried deep inside.
Chapter 9
Jax
After the falling out with Jake, I didn’t feel like hanging with him at the trailer. I made a call to my cousin to let her know the party was a no-go, but didn’t even tell my brother. When he went to get a shower, I snuck out of the house with only one destination in mind.
She probably wouldn’t be happy I was there, and to be honest it was most likely going to end any hopes of getting her into bed. I couldn’t help myself. She’d been so compassionate earlier, and I hadn’t felt a connection like that in a long ass time. Being close to her wasn’t going to be a problem for me. It was staying away that would do me in. I didn’t want to seem like the stalker type, though I could tell that was the vibe I was putting off once I entered into the establishment for the second day in a row.
This time I got myself a drink before finding a seat close to where I’d been the night before. Two dancers performed while I sat there, and though they were talented, they didn’t hold a candle to the perfection of Amber. She had style, and amazing grace. She was focused and determined. I valued her principals as much as I wanted to break them down. Each time we spoke I found myself drawn to her words, like she held the key to me overcoming my obstacles.
After a bit of a wait I heard a new bout of music starting. Now I must admit, every man has a slew of fantasies. Aside from other obvious ones that I may or may not have divulged in at some point, I always wanted to fuck a teacher. In my mind she’d be sexy, with long tanned legs and perky tits that protruded from her half-buttoned blouse. She swayed her hips around, while seducing me with her bright-blue eyes. Though just a fantasy, I could picture it vividly in my mind, as if it happened before.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared my dick for the moment that Amber walked out on that stage in a tight pleaded skirt accompanied by a half-buttoned blouse. A jolt came from my
crotch area while I watched in shock as she filled my mind with new material to jerk off to. She may have rules about sleeping with me, but I could sure as hell pretend it was happening.
It only took her a couple seconds to find me in the crowd, and I wasn’t exactly sure how to take the grimace that appeared on her face. It wasn’t disappointed, but maybe a bit concerned. Was I coming across as a creeper, or could she tell there was so much more to my interest? Obviously she wouldn’t be able to recognize that I was desperate for a friend; someone who could relate to my situation, but be understanding enough to realize it wasn’t easy to fix. Though she’d provided me with advice, I could tell she wasn’t attempting to force my hand, but more like she was pushing for me to have a better outcome than she’d had. My curiosity probably wouldn’t get me far. I could tell Amber kept her life under lock and key.
As she continued dancing and unbuttoning her white top, I folded my arms across my chest and tried to keep my composure. It wasn’t every day that I got to see tits like hers.
To keep the audience on the edge of their seats she spun and exposed herself with her back to us. I already knew what was waiting the next time she twirled around, because I’d memorized them the night before. Though this time it was different. Our gaze met immediately when she twirled around, and I never once let my eyes linger off of her face.
This was the first time in my life where I hadn’t taken advantage of what was literally staring me in the face. They were right there, one blink away, but I refused to give in. Her stare sent little sparks of energy to my cock, and when she made it to the pole and removed her skirt I felt as if we were the only two people in the room.
This intense feeling overwhelmed me. I couldn’t understand how my attraction was changing before my eyes. This woman captivated me in a way I’d never experienced before.
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