“Not exactly. Actually,” she corrected herself. “It wasn’t like that at all. Yeah, I was in love with him. Everything he did made me crazy, but I was tired of sneaking around. He’d take me to this one place that he called our special spot. I met him there as much as I could, even if it was only for a couple of hours. I became obsessed with the idea of being his, and nothing else mattered, not even my education. After a while my friends started to figure things out. They were cool about it, none of them really getting along with his real girlfriend. As the years passed the broken promises became more frequent. He’d make an elaborate story up as to why he had to stall and I’d believe him. Then one day I snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. It was as if I’d woken up from a coma and seen the light for the first time. I knew he was a piece of shit that I needed to get away from, but it was easier said than done. He would show up an emotional wreck, begging me to stay in his life. I caved for a while. My willpower was weak and it was impossible to imagine being all alone again. When the bad outweighed the good, I fell into his scheme every time. Hook, line and sinker, I was right back in the same scenario.”
“Love makes us blind to what’s going on. It’s like it prevents us from seeing the truth. I never imagined my brother could have fallen in love with Reese, because I was too infatuated with the idea that everything was so perfect.”
“Yeah. It’s tough, but eventually I’d hit rock bottom. I pushed myself away from him, so much that I avoided him at all costs. One night he called and told me he’d broken up with his girlfriend. I’d waited so long to hear that news, so you can imagine how I was torn to see if it was true. I agreed to meet him in our secret place.” She started to tear up, recalling the events I suppose.
“Was he lying?”
She shook her head, seeming to need a few moments to be able to continue. I was really beginning to worry about where this was going. “Jax, I was at a point where I didn’t want him. My heart was broken, and I was working so hard to put it back together. My sister was dead from my hand, and now the only guy I’d let into my heart was a two-timing pig. I needed reprieve, so I rejected him. I pushed him away and told him I couldn’t be with him. He was drunk, and lying his ass off. In fact, I’m sure he’d just been with his girlfriend, or was meeting her afterwards.”
“Good for you. It must have been tough.”
She let out a fake air-filled laugh. “He didn’t take no for an answer.”
“What do you mean? He kept trying to get back with you?”
“No. He forced me to.” The room was silent until she started bawling. Since she’d lost me somewhere between a secret fuck-buddy and whatever else had happened, I looked to her to reiterate. “Jax, he assaulted me, in an abandoned house on campus. He was drunk off his ass when it happened. He held me down and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get free. He left me there injured and shredded apart, with no care in the world.”
“What? Wait. You can’t. This…Amber, you’re saying you were…raped?”
She nodded and scrunched up her face because she couldn’t hide from the pain.
“Jesus Christ. Is that how you became friends with my cousin? Did you meet her in a group or something?”
She peered down at her hands, unwilling to look in my direction. “No. I wish that were the case. It would make the rest of my story much easier to explain to you. This is where you’ll decide that you hate me.” She paused and gazed away from me again. I lifted her chin and forced her to look me in the eyes.
“We may not have known each other for long, but I can promise you that I won’t hate you.” How could I hate her for being a victim? Was she crazy?
“The next morning he didn’t even remember being with me, so naturally the attack didn’t exist in his eyes. I couldn’t tell our friends, because he’d just deny it, so I tried to bury it. I told my friends I was dating other guys, and even made up this seven date rule about having sex with people I dated. The truth was that I was out looking for jobs because I knew I couldn’t be around any of them until I figured out how to free myself from him.” Amber sniffled and closed her eyes. It was obvious this was terrible for her to talk about. “Five weeks later I found out I was pregnant. Since we hadn’t been together for a few weeks before the last encounter, it was obvious when I’d conceived. I tried to justify getting an abortion, but I felt like my sister was somehow giving me something to help me through the toughest time in my life. I felt like in some ways I could make up for her loss. It sounds horribly convoluted, but you can imagine how my ability to rationalize was off. There I was taking courses on how to help people cope, yet I was falling apart at the seams.”
“So what happened? Obviously there’s no baby. Did you give it up for adoption?”
She shook her head. “No. I lost the baby.” I watched her fall apart in front of me, and all I could do was pull her in close to me and hold her.
“God, I can’t imagine what that was like for you.”
She started speaking while still in my hold. “On top of everything going on I knew I needed to get my own place. This was the last straw. Hell or high water I had to move. I couldn’t be around everyone when they were worshipping the ground my attacker walked on. I took a job at a strip club in order to manage school and everything else. Telling my parents wasn’t an option and I couldn’t bear to disappoint them any more than I already had. The first time I stood on that stage I thought I was going to pass out. I’d never been modest, but after being attacked it made it impossible to do. I ended up taking a bunch of shots beforehand. I’m pretty sure it was the worst performance in the history of erotic dancers, but then the money started pouring in. After that first night, which I made eight hundred bucks, I realized how easy it would be to become someone else on stage. I changed my stage name to Charisma and let the money lead the way. It got easier as I went, and I learned to block out the idea of being naked in front of so many creepy men, no offense.”
I chuckled, but only from her last comment. The first part was unbelievably hard to listen to. “I guess I was pretty creepy. I just couldn’t get over how beautiful you are. I swear, I’m not just saying this, but you’re the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
She smiled as I wiped off her tears. “I appreciate you saying that. I work hard to stay in shape, because I know that my body is the reason I have a nice apartment and money of my own, though I have to admit, I’m getting tired of it. It was only supposed to be temporary. I just need it to last until school is over. Tonight freaked me out. This guy cornered me at my car. I felt like I was in danger.”
“So you came here?”
She nodded. “Yeah, but that’s not the only reason. It’s the rest of what happened to me that’s going to get you upset. “I never told anyone about the baby, or the fact that I’d lost her. I didn’t go to meetings until months had gone by. Every night I’d drink or party until the pain was numb. Eventually I convinced myself that I wasn’t raped. I told myself that he was drunk and it was an accident. I could be in the same room with him and be cordial, because he didn’t remember any part of it. Then I began to think it was all my imagination. Maybe I was asking for it. How else could I stand on a stage and take my clothes off? I met your cousin when she moved into my old room. She seemed so nice, and innocent. I saw her hanging out with Seth, but didn’t think anything of it.” She looked down and that’s when it hit me. She’d said the name of the guy that had raped my cousin.
“Wait. Seth, like the same Seth…”
She interrupted. “Yes. He was who attacked me. He was who I thought I was in love with. He’s who raped Christian in the same damn house that he’d attacked me in. I didn’t know about it until a week or so later, and that’s when I knew it wasn’t a mistake. I felt so terrible about what was happening to her that I went back there and tried to end my life. I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I’d killed one person and endangered another out of stupidity. She didn’t deserve that, but maybe I did, for all the bad I’d done
to everyone else. I thought the world wouldn’t miss me if I was gone. I knew my parents wouldn’t.”
Amber moved her body away from me and curled up into bawl. I’d never seen a person so messed up before, and honestly I was freaking out until she started speaking again. “Ethan found me that night. He got me to the hospital and saved my life. Ever since that day I’ve done everything in my power to make up for all the wrong I’ve done. I volunteer at support groups. I serve as a sponsor to other victims. I testified in court so Christian wouldn’t have to. You see Jax, I don’t deserve to meet someone and be happy. All I bring is pain. I’m cursed. And I don’t know why I ran straight to you. I’ve done so well being alone up until you walked into my life. As much as I try to fight what is happening and keep it on the friend level, I can’t help what happens every single time you pop into my head. I’m a fucking cesspool of confusion right now.”
If she only knew the person I saw when I looked at her. Amber wasn’t weak, she was strong and determined. Sure, she’d made mistakes, but if Christian could forgive her, so could I. “You can’t blame yourself for everything that happens. It’s not healthy. Shit happens that we have no control over.”
Amber stood up and hobbled toward the kitchen. “I’m sorry Jax. I should just go. I shouldn’t have told you about what happened to me, but I can’t keep letting you think I was sending you mixed signals. If things were different I’d love for you to kiss me. I just can’t see myself being open to the idea of being hurt again.”
I chased after her, catching Amber before she made it past the kitchen table. “Don’t go.” I hated saying this out loud. “Look, I get why you’re scared, but we all have demons. I told you before that I’d be your friend if that’s what you wanted, but I’m also open to taking my time. This may come as a surprise to you, but I’m not very good at doing anything at a gradual pace. This is a big deal for me if I’m saying I’m willing to try this with you. Now you can walk out that door and remain my friend. Hell, you can even stay the night and keep things platonic between us, or you can turn around and look me in the eyes and see that I’d never hurt you the way that asshole did. I may be a jock, who plays football, and has a bad record of getting around, but I’ll be honest about it. I never once cheated on my girlfriend. I was good to her. With that being said I never expected for you to come into my life. You were like a fucking angel showing up to guide me to a different path. Okay, that sounds pretty gay, but you get the drift of it. I’m just a guy, who likes a girl. We both have baggage, and it’s pretty fucked up. That doesn’t mean we can’t start over.” I was pulling things out of my ass to try to get her to stay. I didn’t know what else to do. “Come on. It’s too late to drive home. Stay the night with me, Amber. Let me at least hold you. I’ll keep the boogie man away.”
Her makeup had run down her cheeks. From crying, her eyes were a bright blue. Through her tears she attempted to smile. “I’m so scared, Jax. You’re on the rebound, and I’m a basket case.”
As much as it killed me to say it, I offered her the best scenario I could think of. “Then that kiss will just have to wait a little longer, until I can prove that I’m everything you need me to be.”
Chapter 20
Amber
How could I turn Jax’s offer down to stay when I knew it was the only place I wanted to be? It took me two seconds to drop my purse on the table and hobble toward him. “I guess I’m staying, but only on one condition.”
“What’s that?” He asked.
“For more than a year I’ve been afraid to be touched by a man, because I feared if I let him into my life, I’d just get hurt, if not physically, but emotionally. I’ve done a good job focusing on my life, and my goals. Then you showed up.”
He stepped closer, only stopping inches from my face. “Then I showed up.” He licked his lips. “I’m confident. I tell it like it is. I know what I want.”
“I know what I want too.” I lifted my gaze and looked into his light brown eyes.
“I know you want me. I’m pretty damn irresistible,” he teased with a big smile across his face.
I brought my hand up and placed it flat on his hard chest. “Let’s just say that I do want you. What happens next, Jax? Do you take me to your room and ravage my body all night long?”
He smirked and took my hands into his. “The old me would have said yes. Then I wouldn’t have called you the next morning. I’m not going to be that guy, not to you.”
“What’s that mean?” I needed to hear him say what he wanted, because I had to feel like I was in some kind of control. Jax may have assumed it, but he couldn’t have begun to imagine how scary this was for me.
“It means that I’m not going to try to sleep with you, at least not tonight. It’s more important for me to prove to you and myself that I can be better than that asshole that hurt you. You need to see that not every man takes someone they care about for granted. I may not have known you long, but you’re literally the girl of my dreams. You make my head spin, and I’m not talking about the one that’s facing you.”
I giggled. “Oh geeze.”
“Seriously, Amber. You’re smart, beautiful, determined, beautiful, witty, beautiful, and did I mention beautiful?”
“Maybe once.”
“I thought Reese was the girl for me. I swore she was the one, but after spending the past few days with you, I’m wondering why you’re all I can think about. You’ve got me all fucked up in the head. I’m painting toenails and wearing booty shorts to get your attention. I’m either the biggest moron on the planet, or I’m totally under your spell. Either way, I’m a damn mess.” He smiled and leaned forward until his lips were close enough to mine that I could feel them teasing me. “I’m going to fucking kiss you now, and you’re going to let me, because I can’t recall ever wanting a woman the way I want you. If you pull away I’ll accept it, but if you -.”
I didn’t make him finish the sentence, because it wasn’t necessary. If he wanted a kiss, I was ready to give it to him. Our lips collided, and from that instant I was captivated by the instantaneous bout of emotions that overwhelmed me. I hadn’t felt like this in so long, and though I was nervous, I knew it felt right.
Jax took his time, first at my top lip, and then my bottom. I could feel his tongue dragging over it, as if he was testing how much of a kiss I was willing to give him. He didn’t have to wait long for my answer. I reached behind his head, grabbing a chunk of his thick dark hair to pull him closer. My lips parted, and at the same time, we introduced our tongues to the party. Our movements were in sync, and if that wasn’t enough to get me all hot and bothered, the moment I felt his hands reaching around my back I was losing control. This was a part of life that I’d blocked out. Now I had this man, a gorgeous man at that, practically begging to be with me.
Being an adult, I knew what I wanted. There was no need to court for months and make promises that we’d never keep, like teenagers did. I wanted to live in the now, and my opportunity to do it was there for the taking. I just had to let go of my past and accept that there were things I’d never be able to change.
I could feel Jax’s hands cupping my ass cheeks. For a couple minutes I got lost in the kissing, forgetting about anything else, but I could already tell it was going to become difficult for Jax to slow down. His once slow kisses became hungry, to the point where I could tell he was completely turned on.
I pulled away and turned my head for a second to catch my breath. “Just hang on a minute.”
He took his finger and wiped off my lips. “I’m sorry if I got carried away.” Just when I thought he’d plead his case, he held out his hand for me to take. “It’s late. As much as I’d like to continue this, I’ve got to work tomorrow. I know it’s too soon to ask for anything else, so how about we go get into my bed and sleep? I promise I’ll be a perfect gentlemen.” He pointed to his crotch. “As soon as the Jaxinator calms down. He’s a little wound up tonight.”
I giggled, knowing I was the reason for his s
tanding predicament. “Sorry about that.”
“Oh, I’m not. That was the best damn first kiss I ever had. He’s just jealous.”
I appreciated that he wasn’t mad. That’s how I could tell he wasn’t like Seth. Jax knew I wasn’t ready, and would never push for it to happen. So I gladly put my hand in his and let him lead me back to his bedroom. Before I could climb in with what I was wearing, he tossed me a white sleeveless t-shirt. “Here, this is way more comfortable. It’s probably big, on account of my massive muscles,” he flexed as he said it. “But it will do just fine. I mean, I suggest you leave on your bra. If I see those tits of yours, I may bust a nut in my shorts. That would be fucking embarrassing.”
I burst into laughter and turned around to take off my shirt. I’m sure he was surprised by it, but I wasn’t working. At the club I was Charisma, but with Jax I was Amber. It was the first time in forever that I wanted to be myself again. “No peeking back there.” The room had gotten quiet and I knew it was because he was watching me.”
“Sorry. Do they change colors or something?” He asked.
“No. Jax, you may have seen me at the club, but when I take off my clothes for you, it’s going to be because I’m ready for you to see all of me, the good and the bad. I need to take baby steps.”
“It’s cool. I still have Fran while I wait for you. She never lets me down.”
Once I’d slipped off my bottoms, I pulled the t-shirt over my head and turned around. He had to be kidding. “Fran? I didn’t know you have a girlfriend.”
Jax laughed and held up his hand. “Fran Lefty. Get it?”
I covered my mouth to hide my laughter. “Oh my god, you’re ridiculous.”
Jax jumped on the mattress and patted the other side. “All aboard the love boat. Come on baby, put on a life jacket so we can set sail.”
Jax Mitchell Page 13