She shoved me away. “It doesn’t matter. We talked about this. I knew this would happen. That’s why I kept my distance. I can’t do this Jax. I’m not okay being so far away and not knowing.”
“But I didn’t do anything.”
“It was the same girl who whispered in your ear earlier. You know, the one you said was asking about your friend. Tell me the truth, Jax. What did she really say?”
“Shit!” I didn’t know how to respond, because I had lied. “I didn’t want you to get mad.”
“I’m done here,” Amber said as she started walking away.
Reese touched my arm. “I’ll go with her.”
“Reese, I don’t even know that chick. I’m telling you the truth.”
Reese smirked and walked away. When I turned to look at Jake he put his hand on my shoulder. “What are we waiting for? If you want the girl, you’ve got to fight for it.”
“Just shut up and help me.”
Reese led Amber back to her room. We followed closely behind, not wanting to make her feel smothered. I thought she’d calm down and let me talk to her, but as we reached the door Reese came outside to explain otherwise.
“She’s upset, Jax.”
“She’d rather be with you, the person who tried to take her down?”
“I said I was sorry, and honestly I owe her. It’s obvious she’s in love with you. I know what it’s like to date the quarterback and have jealous tricks trying to sabotage our relationship. Let me talk to her. I’ll come get you later.” She looked at Jake. “You too.”
I looked over at my twin and shook my head. “This is so fucked up. What did I do to deserve this?” I sunk down in the hall, as Reese went back inside to tend to Amber.
Jake sat down next to me and looked forward. “Well this sucks. Thanks a lot for cock-blocking me.”
“Save it. I know for a fact that Reese likes sex. I’m sure you aren’t going without.”
“That’s so disturbing.”
“Seriously, get your head out of your ass and help me. This chick makes me crazy, but I don’t want to lose her. How am I supposed to make this work when she can’t be here for more than a couple of hours without this kind of shit happening?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never had a long distance relationship.”
“No, you just fuck other people’s girlfriends in broom closets,” I taunted. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself with that one.”
“Whatever, Jax. Say whatever you want.”
We sat there in silence until I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood up and knocked on the door. “It’s Jax. Let me in.”
Reese opened the door halfway. “I told you to wait.”
I shoved past her. “Go back out with Jake. We’ll be fine.”
I was determined to work things out with Amber, even though she had other plans for me.
When I sat down beside her she wouldn’t look in my direction. I put my hand on her thigh and she didn’t remove it. “This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go.”
“I know,” she said in a low voice.
“Can we just start over?”
Amber finally looked in my direction. She lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek. “I’m leaving in the morning, Jax. Please don’t try to talk me out of it. You and I both know this won’t work.”
“That chick is full of shit. I never asked her to suck my dick.”
Amber let out an air-filled fake laugh. “It doesn’t matter. Don’t you see that I can’t be far away from you wondering if someone else is trying to take you away? I won’t be able to focus.”
“I know you still love me. Don’t do this.”
“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I have to.”
I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. “This can’t be goodbye. You’re my girl.”
Amber leaned her head on mine. “Jax, it has to be. Please don’t make this any harder than it is. I don’t regret coming to be with you. I needed to see you surrounded by friends. You’re going to need them.”
“You’re not walking out this door until we work something out. Do you hear me?” I was determined, adamant, and desperate all at the same time.
Amber kissed me slowly. I could taste her tears on my lips. “You’re a beautiful man, Jax Mitchell. Thank you for showing me that I could love again. I hope in time we can be friends, because you know me better than anyone else.” She began to sob heavily. “I’ll cherish the short time we were together, and how it felt to be loved by you. Please just promise me two things.”
“What?” I was falling apart, fighting from losing my shit in front of her.
“Promise me that you won’t push me to reconsider, and that you’ll forgive me one day for breaking your heart.”
My ears started to ring, as if my emotions were taking over my body, preventing me from hiding them. I could feel my own eyes burning as I fought back proof that she was shattering me to pieces. As much as I understood the why, I couldn’t believe it.
“I love you, Amber. Just remember that when we’re apart.”
She nodded and I stood up. I couldn’t sit there with her and keep my cool. She went straight for the knife and drove it into my heart, twisting it around with her confession of it being over between us. Discontent, I rushed out of the room ready to hurt anything that got in my way.
Chapter 43
Amber
I left North Carolina that next morning, before the sun came up. Thank God Reese and I had worked out our problems the night before, because I would have been lost without help. Facing Jax would have destroyed me, and I knew I wouldn’t have been able to walk away.
Reese drove me to my car at the farm, so I wouldn’t have to face him again. She’d stayed up with me all night while I bawled and fought myself for pushing him away. I think it was then that she actually grasped how much he meant to me.
During the short ride she tried her best to comfort me, telling me that Jax was a good guy, and how he’d never cheated when they were together. She tried explaining how girls were always throwing themselves on the guys, and it took her a long time to be able to handle it.
Though I appreciated her advice, it wouldn’t change my mind. I had to walk away from Jax, because I wasn’t strong enough to stick around.
When I got home Christian was waiting for me, after hearing from Jax. She offered me a shoulder to cry on, promising she wouldn’t bring him up anymore. His phone calls became so frequent that I changed my number, just wanting to free myself from the constant guilt that overwhelmed me.
I missed Jax, so much that I literally ached, but it changed nothing.
I’d watch him play when the games were on television, silently, in the house we shared for a short time. I stared at the screen, just for a chance to capture a close up of his perfect face. I watched his hand gripping the pig-skinned ball, and his voice as he called out to his receivers.
No matter how hard I tried to look away I couldn’t.
During the week I threw myself into my last semester of college, and tried to mentally prepare for my move back to Ohio. All of my life I’d wanted to go to medical school, yet here I was, so close to making it happen, and I didn’t even care.
Desperate for closure, I convinced myself that my heart was making me have second thoughts.
Chris remained my steady friend, always spending extra time trying to cheer me up. She said I was depressing to look at, and that she’d never seen someone go from looking like a model to wearing sweatpants every day. I knew I was pathetic, but I didn’t even care. In fact, I knew I was giving up, slowly withering away until there was nothing left to live for. It was sad that I felt like I couldn’t move forward without his love. I didn’t understand how our short relationship could impact me so much.
To make money, I started babysitting for Shalan and Noah while she was recording a new album. I enjoyed watching their little one, because let’s face it, only a baby could put a smile on my face.
One day, after she’d
returned home, I was sitting on the couch with her and Chris. They were discussing the album, and how every song told a story. She said that the directors were letting her have a say in who was going to star in all of the videos. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to it, because it wasn’t my business.
All of a sudden Chris stands up and points to me. “I have a great idea. You could use Amber.”
“What?” I was in shock.
“You’ve been dancing since you were little, and let’s face it, you belong on a magazine, even in that awful outfit you have on.”
I shook off her sarcastic comment about my hoodie. I’d stolen it from Jax, and it was way too big, but my favorite to cuddle up in. “You’re crazy. I haven’t danced in months.”
Shalan turned her attention to me. “She’s right. You’d be great behind the camera, and we could keep it in the family. Plus, the money is hard to refuse. Did you want to talk to them?”
I shrugged. “I have no idea.”
“You could be famous,” Chris added.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“No, she’s right. Have you ever thought about modeling?”
“Not really.” The truth was that after Meg’s accident I hadn’t thought about anything except moving forward. I didn’t think I deserved anything better.
“It’s settled. We’ll get together with them and see if you’ll work for the part. It will be eight separate videos, shot in different places. Of course they’ll pay for everything, and I’ll be with you.”
Chris clapped her hands together. “This is so exciting. They won’t refuse you, so long as you don’t wear that.” She reached out her hand for me. “Come on. It’s time to dust off your closet and pull out the flat iron. We need to practice getting you ready.”
For the next few days my nerves got the best of me. I’d been in the spotlight as a dancer, but never imagined getting behind a camera. Still, something about this opportunity interested me. I was excited, and optimistic about it. The only thing missing was Jax. I wanted to call and tell him the news. Without much thought I plugged in his number and listened as it began ringing.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Jax.”
“Amber?” I didn’t know whether he seemed excited to hear my voice, or upset.
“It’s me. I know it’s been a while.”
“You changed your number. I asked Chris and Shalan to give me your new one, but they refused.” He paused for a second. “How are you?”
“I’m okay,” I lied.
“Yeah, me too. I’m not great, but I get by.”
It hurt me. “I didn’t call to hurt you, Jax.”
“Why did you call then? I mean, you ripped me to pieces and refused to talk to me when you knew you were the only person who could make the pain go away.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe this was a mistake.”
“Yeah, it probably was.” He hung up before I could think of what to say next.
Suddenly my excitement had vanished and all I felt was the gut-wrenching truth of what I’d lost.
A few hours later my phone chimed with a message, and it was from Jax.
I may not have handled that call properly. I was in the middle of something, and I took it out on you. – J
Forget about it. I won’t bother you anymore. – A
I cried myself to sleep that night, searching my soul for some kind of reprieve.
Two days later I met with the producers, and much to my surprise, they presented me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. The next week I was sitting in Shalan’s agent’s office in New York, signing a bunch of contracts. Everything was happening so quickly that I didn’t have a moment to sit back and realize that my future was changing.
I waited until everything was certified before visiting my parents. Knowing they wouldn’t take the news lightly, I booked a return flight for the same day. Within two hours I was back at the airport, shedding more tears. I knew they’d cut me off completely, and a part of me didn’t even care. Their negativity had taken its toll on me. If I wanted to recover I needed to rid myself of everything that could hurt me.
By November I’d dropped my classes at school and spent two weeks on location working with a choreographer for the first video. The strenuous schedule kept me from communicating with Chris, so when she called me late one night I figured it was just to catch up. I never could have imagined hearing the news she was prepared to give me.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Amber, are you sitting down?”
“Yeah, why? What’s wrong? Are you engaged?”
“No, it’s not about me. It’s Jax. He’s in the hospital.”
“What? How?” I jumped off my chair and started pacing around.
“He got sacked at his game and had to be carried off the field. He fractured his skull and -.”
My heart pounded. “Is he…”
“He’s going to be fine. He didn’t break it. God. I wouldn’t tell you that over the phone.” She paused. “Anyway, from what my dad and Noah said, he’s done. On top of the injury he got another concussion. Even if his head healed, he wouldn’t be cleared to play. It’s devastatin’. Jake’s been by his side this whole time. It just sucks because he worked so hard to be able to play with Jax again, and now this happened. I know I’m ramblin’. I just wanted you to know. You may pretend that you don’t care, but I know better. Maybe you could call him in a couple days and let him know you’re thinkin’ about him.”
“Thanks for calling, Chris. I’ll definitely make sure I get in touch with him.”
When we hung up I spent a little while heartbroken for Jax. I looked around at my tiny hotel room and felt suffocated. That’s when I knew without a doubt where my life was headed. Whether he played football or not was irrelevant. With my new career I could work from anywhere. For the most part I could make my own schedule. Nothing was holding me back from being with Jax, not medical school, and certainly not my parents. With the money I was making I could take my last two classes at another college, maybe even online.
The video was set to wrap up three days before Thanksgiving. I worked hard, making sure that I did my best with every take, hoping that my performance wouldn’t require extra set time. In between scenes, I spent my time making the arrangements to get to North Carolina, and secure a place to rent nearby the farm. Since the entire family spent the holidays together, it was easy to arrange for Christian to pick me up from the airport and take me to visit Jax.
She’d told me he was at home, and except for being laid up, he was doing better, but very depressed, so I called him, not to spill that I was coming to see him, but to let him know I was thinking about him.
I spoke to his mother first, who I let know my plans. I didn’t want to come without her okay, and certainly didn’t want to invite myself to stay with him if they didn’t approve.
Jax sounded tired when he answered the phone. “Hello?”
“Hi.”
“Hey,” his voice changed. “I guess you heard.”
“Yeah. I just wanted you to know I’ve been thinking about you.”
“My life is ruined,” I could hear him getting emotional as the line was quiet. “First I lost you, and now I’m done playing football. How much more can I take? I should have never left Kentucky, because at least I would still have you, Amber.”
It hurt my heart to hear him saying it. “Don’t talk like that, Jax.”
“Why, it’s true? I’m nothing but a loser. Now I’ll have to spend the rest of my life on this farm. When you get your shrink degree make sure you look me up. I’m going to require mental assistance.”
I started to open my mouth to tell him about my new career, but I couldn’t do it over the phone. If Jax was this messed up the only thing that would help him was me there. “Is the offer still open to have Thanksgiving with you?”
“You don’t have to ask. I already told you it was.”
“I guess I’ll see you soon then. There’s some things I need you t
o know.”
Once again I was sure he was crying. “Are you fucking with me?”
“No. I already booked my flight.”
“Thank you, Amber. You don’t know how much this means to me. I could really use my friend.”
“I’ll be there. I promise.”
Chapter 44
Jax
I’d hit rock bottom, feeling like my life was over, and then I heard her voice. Like the blink of an eye I had something to look forward to.
Amber had pushed me away, and though I couldn’t blame her for making that choice, the sting wasn’t easier to withstand. I’d been struggling, in both physical and mental aspects of my life. I think in some ways I was in denial. I couldn’t let myself believe that one person could give me both joy and misery.
Since I was confined to a bed, I was faced with the agonizing wait for Amber to arrive. During that time I ran through different scenarios in my mind, trying to come up a legitimate reason why we should get back together. With nothing left to offer her but a life on a farm, I wasn’t coming up with anything.
Jake came in a little while later to do his daily check on me. Sometimes he’d hang around and we’d watch a movie or play cards. Even Reese had been hanging out, trying to cheer me up, not that it did much good. I’d been a miserable son-of-a-bitch since my accident. Football wasn’t just a sport for me. It was my way out of the life that my family expected me to take. It was the only thing I’d ever been good at. Now it was gone.
“I heard someone’s coming to spend the holidays with us.”
“How’d you know?”
“She asked mom if she could stay,” Jake explained.
“The whole family will be here, and I invited her a long time ago. She’s probably just feeling sorry for me and doesn’t want to be alone for the holidays. I mean, she lives on the ranch, and she’s close to Shalan and Chris. I’m sure they would have wanted her to tag along. She might not be coming for me at all.”
“She just called you, Jax. Of course it’s because of you. Don’t be a dumbass.”
“Jake, it’s no use. She deserves better.”
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