More Than This

by Jay McLean

  Logan cuts me off after my third beer in ten minutes.

  Valid.

  ***

  I’ve been sitting here for I don’t know how long and I can see James watching me. His friends, which were also my friends, are about 20 yards from us. He can see me, I can see him. But he watches me, and I’ve seen him get up and grab no less the 15 beers in the last hour. He must be wasted. And he never gets wasted. Ever. His head has dropped forward between his shoulders and he can barely sit up straight. This is not like him at all. He’s going to pass out and none of his dickface friends are going to take care of him when he does.

  I jump down from the truck and head towards him. Even an asshole like him deserves to get home safe.

  As I walk past Jake, he grabs onto my hand, I turn and see his confused face, but I shrug his hand off and march forward. I don’t really know why I’m pissed at him, all I know is that if she was his date that night, there is no way I would even know who Jake Andrews is.

  I stand in front of James and kick his shin gently.

  He looks up at me, eyes almost fully hooded, bloodshot.

  When he sees me, he straightens up a bit and tries to act not so drunk.

  “Mikayla,” he slurs, and get’s up form the chair. Surprisingly, he doesn’t act as drunk as he looks.

  “Have you come back for me, baby? Have you forgiven me? Please say yes.”

  “No James, I just-"

  “I’m so glad, baby, so fucking glad,” he interrupts while throwing his arms around me, lifting me, spinning me around.

  “James, put me down, shit!”

  He does, and I start walking away, back to my own group.

  He follows.

  “Shit, Mick, I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck-, just wait, please.”

  I make it half way before he catches up to me and grabs my arm, forcing me to turn around.

  “I’m sorry, Mikayla. I’m so fucking sorry.” Tears are running down his face faster then he can wipe them away.

  “God, you’re so fucking beautiful, I just love you so much.” His voice is strained.

  And then…

  He reaches into his pocket…

  Pulls out a little black velvet box…

  And starts to get down on one knee.

  The second I see the box my eyes snap shut, I can’t watch this happen.

  I don’t open my eyes.

  Not when I feel him get down on the ground.

  Not when I feel his hand take mine.

  And not when I hear him say, “I asked your dad and everything, I got this for you the day before prom…”

  Chapter 34

  *Jake*

  I’m being held back by Logan and Cam as I watch that asshole get down on one knee, with a fucking ring in his hand, holding hers, asking the girl that I love, to marry him.

  And I can’t do shit about it.

  Her eyes are shut, and when she opens them, she says something to him. He stands up wiping his fucking face. She says something else and he looks to the ground, nodding, and then they leave.

  They walk away from this place and leave.

  And I have no idea what the fuck just happened.

  ***

  It’s 3 in the goddamn morning and she’s still not in her room. I should know, because that’s where I am, waiting for her.

  Like an abandoned fucking puppy.

  Finally, I hear a car door slam and I rush to look outside. She pays the cab driver and starts her way upstairs.

  She has to know I’m here because the lights on.

  When she opens the door, she pauses when she sees me, then walks past me, like I’m not even fucking here.

  She gets in the shower, and 5 minutes later she’s out, dressed in pajamas and crawls into bed.

  “Are you going to marry that asshole?” I ask, because I need to know, so that I can prepare my head for the moment she breaks my heart.

  “No, Jake, I’m not.”

  Thank fuck.

  “So what the fuck? You just leave? Don’t bother calling? You didn’t bring your phone with you. Where were you all night, Kayla? Did you fuck him? For old times sake? Just one last hurrah?”

  She starts crying and I know I’m being a dick.

  I calm myself down a little.

  “I really want to feel okay about all of this, Kayla. But I don’t know what the fuck is going on. You have to tell me something.”

  “What? Like you tell me?” she spits out.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Marisa?”

  Fuck.

  “You didn’t tell me you had a supermodel girlfriend that was supposed to be your prom date. Instead you end up with me. The stupid girl who’s boyfriend had been screwing her best friend for two years and was too fucking clueless to know. And you take pity on me and hang out with me. Then my fucking family are murdered, I have no one, so now you’re stuck with some strange girl sleeping in your fucking bed, taking over your fucking life and you can’t get fucking rid of me.” She wants to yell but she’s keeping it together.

  “She wasn’t my girlfriend,” I whisper.

  She laughs once. “That’s it? That’s all you have to fucking say?”

  I start to speak but she cuts me off. “We talked,” she says, exhausted. “James and I, we talked. That’s all. He asked my dad permission to marry me. I didn’t know. I wanted to know what my dad had said to him, because I need a memory of him, of them, of my family. Because I’m starting to forget them…” Her voice breaks as tears flow and a sob overcomes her entire body.

  “I feel like I’m starting to forget them, Jake, like they’re fading away and I don’t want that. What your mom did with this room… for me, I felt like they were here with me. I could even smell the memories in my blankets and clothes. But it’s all going. The memories are fading and sometimes…” she stops, closes her eyes and takes a breath… “sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can’t see them anymore, and I don’t want to forget them. He helped me remember them, Jake. That’s all.”

  I crawl into bed with her and tuck her head under my chin.

  “You’ll never forget them, Kayla. They’ll always live in your heart.”

  Its quiet for the longest time as she cries quietly into me. When the sounds stop and I think she’s fallen asleep, she whispers, “Jake, when we get to the house, I’m going to find a job, and then I’m moving out. I can’t be this broken girl anymore.”

  I don’t say anything, because fuck, what can I say? It’s the last thing I ever wanted.

  Chapter 35

  *Mikayla*

  Moving day.

  It would be an understatement to say that things have been awkward between Jake and I since the night of the bonfire.

  Now, we’ll be living together until I can save up enough money to move out.

  I want to tell him that it’s not because of him, but because of me. That I don’t want to feel like our circumstances are the only reason we feel the way we feel for each other, If he feels anything for me at all.

  I had organized for movers to take some of the furniture from storage to the house. Mandy was there to oversee it all.

  After some very tearful goodbyes and a billion ‘thank yous’ from me to Mandy and Nathan, I went to say goodbye to Julie.

  She’d been in her room most of the day. I guess she wasn’t very happy about us leaving. I had gotten close to Julie over the last couple of months. She didn’t replace Emily, but she came pretty close.

  I wanted to give her a special gift, so I had written her her own fairytale and got it professionally illustrated.

  It was about a little girl who was a Princess, of course.

  She wore a cape, as part of her costume, because she believed that one day, she’d be able fly and dance in the clouds.

  Her older brother, the Prince, was a secret superhero, who went around at night saving the world, in his baseball gear, of course. His powers came from his right hand. He would raise it to the sky and the sun would
beam down on it. His hand held the strength of a thousand men. The Queen and King, her parents, were also heroes, but not your normal, everyday ones. They were the kind that loved and cared for those that didn’t have anyone else to love and care for them.

  Julie loved the story, and when Mandy and Nathan saw it, they loved it too.

  Now, we’re in the car.

  Two hour drive to Jake's house.

  In silence.

  Awkward as hell.

  “So…” he says out of nowhere, surprising me and making me jerk in my seat a little. “Julie showed me the book.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “It’s beautiful, Mikayla, really. You’re something else you know that?” he says this, never taking his eyes off the road.

  More Silence.

  I guess he can’t take the quiet anymore because he plays with his stereo until the bluetooth connects with his phone.

  And then…

  ‘You’re insecure

  Don’t know what for,

  You’re turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or…’

  My head snaps to his, and his eyes are wide, a blush creeping to his cheeks.

  “Holy shit!” I yell out in laughter. “One Direction, Jake? Really? What the fuck happened to you in the last two weeks?”

  He laughs. A good, all out, carefree laugh. And I missed it. I missed it so much. And god, I miss him. So fricken much.

  “Shut up!” he laughs, eyeing me sideways. “It must have been on like, a compilation I downloaded, or Ju-ju, she probably put it on!”

  “What? Your 8 year old sister got your phone and loaded One Direction on there? For what? For her to listen to on the times you don’t have your phone?!” I’m all out laughing now. Tears in my eyes.

  “I honestly don’t know how it got there. I swear it,” he laughs again.

  By the time we get to the house we’ve listened to the song no less than 20 times, know most of the words, and have a half a dance routine made up for it.

  Thank you, One Direction, for breaking this awkward tension. If for nothing else, I will always remember the one song that bought me back to the most important person in my life.

  Chapter 36

  *Mikayla*

  It’s not enough that I have to live with, and deal with Jake Andrews.

  Now I have to deal with college Jake Andrews.

  And this Jake Andrews, is a whole other level I didn’t even know existed.

  The hype of him being here was definitely downplayed by those around me because fuck, he is a big deal.

  I can’t go anywhere with him without being stopped every two minutes.

  Everyone wants a piece of him, and I mean everyone.

  I thought that Marisa chick was hot, she’s nothing compared to the women here. And I say women because that’s what they are, women, older, and more experienced.

  From the few college parties I’ve experienced since being here the last couple of weeks, I know he can have any girl here.

  Which is why, I choose not to go to many parties at all.

  I’m still that frumpy, stupid, jealous, insecure little girl I was at that hotel.

  In our home, he’s my Jake, and I’m his Kayla.

  We hug and hold hands, and talk and laugh.

  We still never kiss, and we’ve never taken it further than innocent touching.

  As fucking hard as it is, we have held back.

  The minute we step out of those doors, it’s like I shut down. Because I don’t want to be known as the girl that hangs around Jake Andrews, the one he saved one tragic night. The one he cared for when no one else did.

  I don’t want to be the girl the other girls see as competition, because I’ve been that girl, with James, and with Megan, and there are way too many fucking Megan’s in college. Only this time it would hurt so much more. Because how I feel for Jake, when I let myself feel it, is a thousand times heavier than what I felt for James. Which means the heartbreak will hurt a thousand times more, and I don’t think my heart can handle any more pain.

  So out there, in the real world, I don’t let myself feel it, the love I have for him. Because I really, truly, deeply love him.

  And I’m scared. So fucking scared. That I won’t be enough.

  And that I’ll never really have him. My Jake.

  ***

  Contrary to how our relationship ended, James has been a good guy. We did plan on going to college together so I see him around campus and catch up with him every now and then. He’s the only one, a piece of my past, that understands and remembers my family the way I want to. He was a big part of my life and for four years, he was part of my family. The sad part is, is that he loved them too. And he felt too guilty to grieve them the way he should have.

  Girls ogle James when I’m with him, but it doesn’t bother me. Not even a little. Because truthfully, James is a good looking guy, but only to those eyes have never laid on Jake Fucking Andrews.

  ***

  A few days after we got here, I landed a job at a video store. Yes, those still exist. It’s shit pay, but they work around my schedule and when it’s not busy I get to sit and read and do homework, so it works out perfect. I’m saving the money I earn and can hopefully move out soon, so I can start working on finding who I am without Jake. So that if the time comes, I can give him me. All of it.

  ***

  *Jake*

  Every fucking day I have to wake up to her. In her short shorts and tight shirts looking hot as hell in her morning state and her tired Bambi eyes.

  Every day she’s here and I can’t have her.

  It’s the fucking hardest thing to do, to be around the person you love, with everything you have, and not be able to love them.

  I hate college. I hate the never ending pressure to be this hot shot fucking kid. I hate the constant recognition from everyone because I can pitch a decent game. I hate the stupid endless string of college parties I’m pressured to going to and I hate the attention from all the other girls when I only ever want one. And she won’t give it to me.

  I hate the stupid classes and the stupid commitments, because they all keep me away from her.

  I’m so fucking close to throwing this shit in and just going pro. But I don’t, because I know she wouldn’t follow me.

  And none of this shit makes sense without her.

  Sometimes I see her and see that scared little girl I saw when we pulled up to her parents house that night. I hate that she ever has to feel like that.

  I want to shut out the world around us and have it just be me and her, the way we are behind closed doors. Where no one else can dictate who we are and what we feel. I just want her. I just want my Kayla.

  ***

  Occasionally she’ll have lunch with that asshole, James. I hate it so much because he gives her something that I can’t. He gives her memories of her family, and the times they shared. I hate that he loved them and I never could. I hate they shared moments and I’ll never be able to. I hate that he taught Emily how to ride a bike, and I’ll never even get to meet her. I hate that I’ll never get to ask her dads permission when I propose to her, because I plan to one day. I hate that he’s allowed to miss them and I can’t. I hate that he hurt her.

  But I can’t hate him.

  Because he bought her to me.

  ***

  She says she still wants to move out, something about finding herself without me. I keep my mouth shut because I know that it’s important to her, but I just don’t get it. I don’t fucking understand why she wants to find herself without me, when I plan on being part of her life. Forever. Because I love her so damn much it hurts.

  Chapter 37

  *Mikayla*

  The door to our house swings open and I hear Logan and Jake's voices. I had to catch the bus home so I could get ready for work in 15 minutes.

  “You tell her then, asshole,” Jake says, he’s pissed.

  I run out of my bedroom pulling my boots on one leg and hopping with the other
.

  “Keys?” I say to Jake, with my hand out.

  As he gives me his car keys I look at Logan, he has that ‘Cat that ate the canary’ look. “Tell me what, Logan?”

  “It’s nothing,” he shrugs his shoulders.

  “Logan here, opened his big fat mouth and told the team I live off campus in my own house. So guess what? Now were stuck hosting a team ‘get together’ tomorrow night.” Jake speaks for him.

  “Oh,” I say, that’s not so bad. “I’m working until like 10 tomorrow but I think I should be able to crash at Lucy’s for the night,” I tell him, going through my purse to make sure I have everything.

  “What?” Jake says. “I don’t want you to not be here, this is your house too, Kayla. I just don’t want people to think this is party central.”

  “Chill the fuck out dude, it’s not a big deal,” Logan assures him.

  ***

  *Jake*

  She left for work a couple of hours ago. Wearing a light grey sweater dress and cowboy boots. I made her take my car so she didn’t ride the bus like that. Then I made Logan drive me around and help me get ready for the party.