by Holly Jacobs
At the next house, Hayden said, “Decoy?”
“She’s planning to have to go—”
Livie was back again. And again, the group moved to the next house.
“You can just walk across Mrs. Wilkin’s lawn and go right to Mr. Perry’s.”
With two houses to talk through, Hayden said, “Planning?”
“She’s going to wait until Linda’s house and have to go to the bathroom. I’m supposed to offer to take her in while you two wait across the street at the park, alone, dressed in the same costumes you wore that first night.”
“The Parent Trap,” they all three said in unison.
“I did try to tell her it wouldn’t work. But you know Livie, once she gets an idea in her head, there’s no getting it out. She’s little, but she’s stubborn and knows what she wants. And right now what she wants is the two of you…together. No amount of talking to her, trying to explain would sway her.” Kathleen’s lip twitched.
“I saw that,” Hayden accused. “You think this is funny.”
“Hayden, of course I don’t. I mean, standing here, seeing the two of you dressed in the same costumes you wore that first time you came to my house makes me nostalgic, but I’m not laughing.”
“No, you’re not…but you want to.” Hayden couldn’t help it, she laughed, which allowed Kathleen to give up the fight and join in.
Brian just looked at the two of them as if they were nuts, but slowly he chuckled, as well.
“What’s so funny?” Livie asked as she came back.
“Nothing, sweetie. We’re all just overwhelmingly happy to be here with you.” Hayden looked at her daughter and felt a deep sense of love.
She looked at Brian and saw that he was studying the amazing little person the two of them had created. He was clearly awed.
“Spell overwhelmingly.”
Hayden obliged. Livie repeated it, then ran to the next house.
“When’s this spelling bee?”
“I asked the teacher, and the kids don’t generally participate until fifth grade.”
He laughed. “I’m pretty sure she’ll be ready by then.”
“We did good,” Hayden whispered to him.
He nodded, his eyes still on Livie standing on a front porch. “Very good.”
Three houses later, on cue, Livie said, “Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom. Nana, can you take me to Miss Linda’s?”
“Sure, Livie.”
Hayden didn’t want Livie to think her plan was going off too easily, so she asked, “Honey, do you want Mommy to take you?”
“No, I want Nana.” And so saying, Livie grabbed her grandmother’s hand and pulled her toward Linda’s at a hurried pace.
Brian and Hayden walked across the street to the park at a leisurely gait. They took a seat on the bench.
Hayden mused, more to herself than Brian, “She’s something else.”
“Mom or Livie?”
She laughed. “Both. But at this moment, I was referring to Livie.”
“Livie wants her parents together. A real family. I can identify with that sort of longing. After my father left…” Brian let the sentence hang there.
Hayden was surprised to hear him mention his dad. She could count on one hand the number of times they’d ever talked about him. She never asked him about it because she understood, her parents being what they were. “Do you ever speak to him?”
“Once, after Livie was born. I thought Adam might care, might be interested in the fact he was a grandfather. I guess that secretly I hoped the news would finally make him realize that he had a son. Let’s just say, getting older doesn’t always mean you get wiser, or that you soften and recognize what’s important.”
Since Livie wasn’t in sight to protest, Hayden flipped her sheet up, freeing her hands. She reached out and placed one on Brian’s shoulder. “I know how it hurts.”
He gave himself a small shake. “I shouldn’t complain. I always had Mom.”
“So did I, so I guess we were both lucky. And we’ve done a good job with Livie. She might not have your dad in her life, but she’s got us and your mom. She’s surrounded by love.”
“She wants more. She wants us to be together.”
“I know, but she’s got to accept that ‘us’ isn’t an option.”
For a few moments they sat quietly on the bench. Hayden tried to concentrate on what a beautiful night it was, on all the costumed kids who passed by them, but all she could focus on was Brian, sitting so close.
Finally, he broke the silence. “Why, Hayden? Why aren’t we an option? For years, I asked. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve said, ‘marry me’ to you. Okay, that’s a lie. I remember every time you rejected me. But why do you think it’s so out of the question now?”
“Bri, I love you, and I know you love me. But I don’t think it’s the kind of love meant for marriage.”
He started to protest, but she held up her hand. “You would never have asked if I wasn’t pregnant, if I hadn’t had your daughter. I deserved then, deserve now, something more than an obligatory marriage. You had an important job that made an impact on an entire generation of children. You had a life in California. And in case you’ve forgotten, you’re still married.”
“She’s pushing it through. The divorce will be final soon. And I’m working on building a life here now.”
“You’re on the rebound. Can you imagine what would happen if I said, yes, let’s explore the possibilities between us, and it didn’t work out? Livie would be crushed. We’d hurt your mother, as well.”
“Hayden—”
“There’s one last hurdle you’re not considering. Alex.”
“Hayden, my soon-to-be-divorce, our family concerns, those could be considered big hurdles, ones we might not be able to get beyond. But Alex?” He shook his head. “I’ve seen you and your supposed boyfriend together. Alex isn’t, never could be, an issue. He’s barely a crack in the sidewalk we’d have to step over.”
“Hey, we’ve been dating for almost a year.”
“On and off,” he pointed out.
Hayden knew Brian was right. Alex was just a filler. Even as she thought it, she felt guilty. No one should be used as a way to fill up someone else’s life.
She was going to have to break up with him. And though she might admit that to herself, there was no way she was going to admit it to Brian. She pasted her most stubborn look on her face. “Every relationship has its problems.”
“When’s the last time you went out with him?”
“It’s been busy at work, and Livie—”
“No excuses, just the answer. When’s the last time?”
She shrugged. “I’m not sure.”
“I am.” He looked embarrassed as he admitted, “It’s been three weeks.”
“You’ve been spying on me?”
“You forget our daughter’s a font of information. She always tells me when you’ve gone out with ‘awful Alex.’ But…” He paused a moment and added, “But if she hadn’t said anything, I’d still take note. At first I thought I didn’t like him because he was just too slick, too…” He shrugged. “But as time has stretched out over the last few weeks, between your dates, I realized I felt relieved that you hadn’t seen him. That he didn’t get to kiss you good-night, or casually drape an arm over your shoulders. That’s when it hit me, I’ve been jealous of him.”
“Brian.” Hayden stopped because she didn’t know what else to add.
Brian obviously didn’t have the same problem. “Hayden, I do understand everything you’ve said. You do have valid points. But I don’t agree that the love we share couldn’t grow into something beyond friendship. I suspect it might already be something more on my end.”
Hearing those words come from Brian, she felt a jolt of…hope? Terror? She wasn’t sure.
And though she wouldn’t admit it to Brian, there was a possibility it was already more on her end, too. Hell, it wasn’t a possibility. It was a done deal. Had been
for as long as she could remember. She loved Brian. But she didn’t trust that what he felt for her was anything more than friendship mixed with convenience. It would be convenient for everyone if he loved her. Livie and Kathleen would be overjoyed, and the family would be whole.
“Brian, we can’t continue to go round and round about this.”
“And we can’t ignore it. But your concerns for Livie are valid. What if, after my divorce is final, I ask you out to dinner? A date. A real date. We won’t mention it to Mom or Livie, so there won’t be any pressure, any expectations.”
“Just one date?” she asked, eying suspiciously. “Just one?”
“Just one. An experiment. Maybe we’d find that away from Mom and Livie we don’t have anything to connect us.”
“We’d have to agree up front that if it doesn’t work out, we’ll just let things go back to normal. Even in those moments I considered your proposals, that was probably my biggest fear, that if we tried and failed, I’d lose your friendship. I can take a lot of things, Bri, but losing you—” she shook her head “—I don’t think I could handle that.”
“Promise. One date. Let’s see how it goes, and we’ll take things one day at a time. Slowly.”
Hayden noticed that during the course of their conversation, they’d both slid to the center of the bench, which meant their hips were touching. She looked up and thought that Brian might lean in and kiss her. But the mood was broken when Livie called out, “Mommy, Daddy, are you ready?”
Hayden met Brian’s gaze and for a moment they held it. A moment that no one else was a part of. As if the whole world disappeared and they were the only people left.
Hayden turned back to her daughter. “Yes, we’re ready.”
“Sorry we took so long,” Kathleen said. There was a glitter of amusement in her eyes. Or maybe it wasn’t that, maybe it was simply contentment. “Linda and I got to talking, and you know how we can be.”
“Let’s go. Mommy, you need your costume back on.”
Hayden dutifully slipped the sheet over her head.
“Good. Let’s go.”
Through the holes in the sheet, Hayden’s eyes locked on Brian. Her face safely hidden behind the sheet, she allowed herself to smile. She was going to go out on a real date with Brian.
Happiness butted heads with nervousness as they trailed after Kathleen and Livie.
They all walked down the block, a grandmother and a Little-House-on-the-Prairie girl, trailed by a biker whose hand gently held a ghost’s.
Chapter 9
“Hayden?”
Brian had found her. She should have known he would.
Hayden pulled a tissue from her pocket, but after a minute of wiping, realized she was a wreck and no amount of tissues would help. Of course, she hadn’t planned to end up here. She did the best she could to clean up, hoping to minimize the traces of her meltdown.
“Hayden?”
She hated crying. She felt that it didn’t solve anything. Couldn’t make anything better. But Kathleen was getting worse, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing, Hayden could do. She felt so angry, so helpless. If she hadn’t let go of some of the feelings building up inside her, she’d have exploded. But giving in, just this once, to the hurt didn’t mean she wanted anyone else to witness her sobfest.
She could hear the ladder groan as Brian began climbing up to the old tree house. “Don’t come up, Bri. I’m on my way down.”
His head popped up into the doorway. “Too late. I thought maybe we could talk.” The tone of his voice was too kind. She knew that he knew why she’d come here, why she’d sought the comfort of this place, but she didn’t want to talk about it.
She was able to spout the statistics of Kathleen’s condition when Marti or the doctors required them. She could quote Kathleen’s meds, their strengths. She could rattle off Kathleen’s vitals. It was as easy as letting her training kick in.
But to talk about Kathleen’s decline on a personal level, just Hayden to Brian? She couldn’t do it. It was too close, too raw.
“I’m fine. I just needed a minute to clear my head.”
“Hayden…” He paused, then nodded. “Fine.” And he climbed back down the ladder.
She hurried after him, but Brian wasn’t waiting. He was walking through the trees to the house.
“Bri,” she called.
He stood in place as she caught up. “Did your mom need anything? Is that why you came to find me?”
“No, Hayden, my mother didn’t need anything.” His voice was resigned as he turned and walked away again. He hurried off toward the house.
Hayden remained where she was, frozen to the spot. The faint smell of woody dankness surrounding her in the shadow of the trees.
He’d needed her. Needed some comfort. Had come to her for it, and she’d turned him away.
She should go after him, to apologize, try and com fort him now. Try to tell him that everything would be all right, even though she knew it was a lie.
Should haves. Could haves.
Didn’ts.
Hayden didn’t go. She had nothing else to offer to anyone, no reserves to draw on.
She walked back to the house, alone. So alone. Cold and isolated.
And for the moment, that bone-aching coldness was almost a comfort. It was so much better than the pain that had become as much a part of her life as breathing had.
She knew once upon a time she’d been happy, but she could hardly remember those times, and she desperately needed to.
Marti was gathering her things as Hayden came back into the room. “You okay?”
Hayden nodded. “Anything new?”
“No. Her condition is stable, so all her meds are the same. But call right away if that changes.” Marti turned to Kathleen. “I’ll be in first thing tomorrow.”
Kathleen’s eyes fluttered a moment, then opened. “I’ll be here.” She smiled.
Hayden showed Marti out and immediately went back into Kathleen’s room, Brian at her heels.
“Hey, Mom,” he said as he leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Kathleen looked at Brian and Hayden’s haggard faces. She knew their concern and care for her was wearing them both out. The worry was reciprocated. Despite the fact Hayden had tried to disguise it,
Kathleen could see that she’d been crying. And Brian was obviously miserable. They stood at the side of her hospital bed, not touching. Not even looking at each other.
Kathleen felt guilty and helpless. They were both holding on to their pain, not sharing it with each other.
She desperately wanted to talk some sense into them, make them see how much they needed one other. She didn’t know quite how to do it.
She kept trotting out old memories, not only because they comforted her, but also as a way to remind Hayden and Brian of better times. Of when they had pulled together, rather than apart. She wasn’t sure it helped, but it was all she could think of to try.
“Do you know what I was remembering today?”
“Another good day?” Hayden smiled as she used Kathleen’s pet phrase.
“A very good day. Six months after Livie made you and Brian your Halloween costumes. Do you both remember that night?”
Hayden got a faraway look in her eyes, and she slowly nodded.
Brian’s voice was a hoarse whisper as he said, “How could I forget.”
April 1996
“Mommy, are you going out again?”
“Yes.” Hayden peered into the small mirror in her room as she put a small silver hoop through her lobe. She looked over at Livie as she snapped it in place. “But Nana’s going to be watching you.”
“Couldn’t Daddy watch me?” Livie threw herself back on Hayden’s bed with enough force to bounce.
“I don’t think Daddy’s going to be able to tonight. It will be a special Nana and Livie night, just like old times.”
“Nana said we’re going to go to McDonald’s for dinner, then maybe go see a movie. When we go, we get
the big popcorn and split it.”
Hayden could see Livie eying her, waiting for the mom-lecture on proper nutrition. She happily obliged. “Don’t eat so much you make yourself sick.”
Hayden loved that she fell so easily into mom-mode. Once she thought she’d never have children, for fear of turning into her parents, but she was pleased that she had turned into Kathleen instead, echoing things she used to say.
“I won’t get sick,” Livie muttered with a six-year-old scoff. “Daddy said I have a castor stomach.”
“Castor stomach?” Hayden thought a moment, then smiled. “A cast-iron stomach?”
Livie nodded. “Yeah.”
“Still, not too much junk food.”
Livie just laughed as she bounced herself back off the bed and hurried out of the room, without promising. Hayden didn’t have the heart to scold, or even to ask Kathleen to see to it her daughter had something nutritious for dinner. They loved these Nana and Livie dates, and Hayden realized every child deserved to feel special, and who better to spoil Livie than Kathleen?
She finished dressing and, while most of the time she hated going out and leaving Livie, she kissed her daughter goodbye with a smile and all but sprinted to her car. She was so anxious to meet Brian. There was an excited, fluttery feeling in the pit of her stomach.
She wasn’t sure where things were going, but she and Brian were doing their best to shelter Livie, keeping their dates clandestine. Despite being nervous at first, Hayden had to admit, she was happy. Completely happy.
Hayden drove to the restaurant, hardly noting the first blush of spring. She normally reveled in this time of year, but tonight it barely registered, her thoughts were too centered on Brian. On being with him. On spending time with him.
Wherever this led, this time with him would be enough. She’d be content with it.
And she’d worry about any potential fallout later. Right now, she was meeting Brian.
Brian waited at the restaurant, a sense of anticipation growing stronger with every second that ticked by.
Tonight was the night.
He’d picked C’est la Vie because Lois, the mayor’s personal assistant, had assured him it was dark, ritzy and full of ambiance, and he knew that women liked that kind of stuff. He was never sure exactly what it was they saw in dim rooms and fancy tablecloths. This was the kind of place that made a man worry about spilling. And he definitely didn’t get the whole multiple wineglasses and enough silverware to feed a dozen people thing. But he didn’t need to get it. He just needed it to impress Hayden. To show her that tonight’s date was special. At least he hoped it would be special—that it would be a night they talked about for the rest of their lives.