Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Meaning: To feel dazed

  Origin: “This phrase originally referred to drunkenness, and got its name from the ration of rum, known as ‘grog,’ which was issued to sailors in the Royal Navy until 1971.” (From Everyday Phrases, by Neil Ewart)

  IN LIKE FLYNN

  Meaning: Assured success

  Origin: “This is often assumed to refer to Errol Flynn’s notorious sexual exploits. The earliest example of the phrase, however, in a glossary of air force terms from WWII, claims that the allusion is to the ease with which Flynn accomplished his swashbuckling cinematic feats.” (From Jesse’s Word of the Day, by Jesse Sheidlower)

  TO BE WELL-HEELED

  Meaning: To have plenty of money or be well-to-do

  Origin: “It might be assumed that well-heeled originally alluded to the condition of a rich person’s shoes. But that is not the case. In the 18th century, it was a fighting cock that was ‘well-heeled,’ that is, fitted with an artificial spur before facing an opponent in the pit. From that, men began to ‘heel’ themselves, to carry a gun, before entering a trouble zone. Perhaps because most troubles can be alleviated by money, the expression took on its present financial aspect.” (From Heavens to Betsy!, by Charles Earle Funk)

  Odds that a grain of rice grown in the U.S. will end up being brewed into beer: 1 in 10.

  PROMOTIONS THAT BACKFIRED

  When a company wants to drum up new business, they sometimes sponsor special promotions…but things don’t always work out as planned. Here are two promos that these companies wish they could take back.

  Promotion: Disco Demolition Night

  What Happened: In 1979, Chicago DJ Steve Dahl came up with this idea to get fans to a Chicago White Sox doubleheader, and the team’s promotional director, Mike Veeck, thought it was great: any fan who brought a disco record to the stadium would get in for 98¢. Then, between games the disco records would be blown up. Veeck announced it for the July 12 games against Detroit and told the security crew to be ready for about 35,000 fans.

  The Backfire: Sixty thousand fans showed up…ready for destruction. They were drinking, burning effigies of John Travolta, and throwing disco records at opposing players throughout the first game. When Dahl dynamited over 1,000 disco records after the first game, the crowd went crazy. Thousands of fans mobbed the diamond. They ripped up the pitcher’s mound, tore down fences, and started a bonfire in center field, causing thousands of dollars in damage. Riot police were finally called in and they got the crowd off the field, but it was too late. The White Sox had to forfeit the second game—only the fourth time that’s happened in Major League history.

  What happened to Mike Veeck? He was forced to resign. He developed a drinking problem and didn’t work in baseball again for 10 years. “I went down the sewer,” he said.

  Promotion: “Monday Night Winning Lineup” scratch-off game

  What Happened: Chicago-based food giant Beatrice Inc. came up with this campaign in 1985. The cards were given away at grocery stores around the country and players had to scratch off tiny footballs on the cards to pick the correct number of touchdowns in eight NFL games. Prizes ranged from food coupons and TV sets to the Grand Prize: a trip to the Super Bowl or the cash equivalent—$5,500. Frank Maggio of Atlanta got 50 of the cards off a store display rack and played them. And he noticed a pattern. Turns out there were only 320 different cards. He kept getting more cards until he had a complete set. That meant he could scratch off the top row of numbers on a new card, match it up to a master, and know what the rest of the numbers would be. “It was like picking off sitting ducks,” he said.

  Linonophobia is a fear of string.

  He and a friend, Jim Curl, started grabbing all the cards they could get their hands on, in stores, from sales representatives, and even in the mail directly from the company. They started scratching.

  The Backfire: Three weeks later, Maggio and Curl turned in their tickets—worth several million dollars. Beatrice immediately canceled the contest and refused to pay, even though the men had offered to show them their mistake and take a measly $1 million for their trouble.

  The two men went home…and really started scratching. “That weekend cost Beatrice about $10 million,” said Maggio. In 1988 the legal battle was finally over, and Beatrice paid out $2 million in a class-action settlement to 2,400 other winners and settled separately with Maggio and Curl for an undisclosed sum (estimated to be about $12 million). Maggio’s friends reported that the 25-year-old salesman left town and retired.

  CONTROVERSY AND SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

  • Saturday Night Live always airs live…almost. Twice the show was broadcast on a seven-second delay. NBC demanded it so that censors would have a chance to bleep out swearing. Who was too risky for live TV? Richard Pryor (December 13, 1975) and Andrew Dice Clay (May 12, 1990). Nora Dunn boycotted Clay’s show; so did scheduled music guest Sinead O’Connor.

  • Two years later, O’Connor stirred up controversy when she ripped up a picture of Pope John Paul II after her second song. NBC received 4,484 complaints. But the most severe complaint came from the Vatican, which used its clout to force NBC to edit out the ripping in reruns. O’Connor has since been ordained as a minister.

  Democrats are more likely than Republicans to own a cat.

  FAMOUS FOR 15 MINUTES

  Here’s proof that Andy Warhol was right when he said that “in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.”

  THE STAR: Dennis Tito, a millionaire businessman

  THE HEADLINE: Money Talks; Man Become’s World’s First Space Tourist

  WHAT HAPPENED: Tito, a former NASA aerospace engineer, had always wanted to be an astronaut, but engineer was about as far as he got…until he switched careers. He became a financial consultant, made millions of dollars, and then decided to buy his way into space. He found a willing seller: the cash-strapped Russian Space Agency agreed to blast him into space for $20 million, which covered nearly the entire cost of the launch.

  NASA and its counterparts in Europe, Canada, and Japan all opposed Tito’s trip, but Tito started his training in Russia anyway. Everything went smoothly until about a week before the launch, when he and his crew went to the Johnson Space Center in Houston for a week of preflight training and NASA refused to admit him to the facility. When the Russian astronauts announced that they wouldn’t train either, NASA blinked—and let them in.

  In April 2001, Tito rocketed into orbit aboard a Russian spacecraft. He spent six days aboard the International Space Station and then returned to Earth. “They might not know it,” Tito told reporters after the trip, “but this is the best thing that’s happened to NASA.”

  THE AFTERMATH: Tito must have been right, because in February 2002, NASA adopted a set of guidelines for selecting future “guests” to the Space Station. Since then, a South African Internet tycoon named Mark Shuttleworth became space tourist #2, and ’N Sync star Lance Bass nearly became #3, but his trip was canceled when sponsors couldn’t come up with the cash.

  THE STAR: Kate Shermak, a fifth-grader at Jamestown Elementary School in Jamestown, Michigan

  If you live an average lifespan, you’ll spend a total of about six months on the toilet.

  THE HEADLINE: Ask and Ye Shall Receive…Forever, for Free

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 2002 Kate’s fifth-grade teacher John Pyper gave the class an unusual assignment, designed to teach kids that letter-writing can be fun: he told them to write to a local business and make an “outrageous request.” Kate wrote to the Arby’s franchise in nearby Hudsonville. “My outrageous request is to get a lifetime supply of curly fries for free,” she wrote. “They’re my favorite fries. If you can’t meet my outrageous request, I understand.”

  To Kate’s surprise, Arby’s said yes, and presented her with a certificate good for a lifetime supply of free curly fries.

  THE AFTERMATH: The Grand Rapids Press printed the story a few days later; it was picked up by the Associated Press and soon appeared in newspapers al
l over the world. Not everyone in Kate’s class was as lucky with their requests—one student wrote to his future sixth-grade teacher asking to be excused from a year’s worth of homework. (Request denied.)

  THE STAR: An unknown Star Wars fan

  THE HEADLINE: Phantom Phan Phixes Philm

  WHAT HAPPENED: In 1999 the fan, whose identity has never been revealed, went to see Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. Like a lot of people, he was disappointed by what he saw; unlike anyone else, he decided to do something about it. When the movie came out on VHS, he used his computer to re-edit it, as he (or she) put it, “into what I believe is a much stronger film by relieving the viewer of as much story redundancy, pointless Anakin action and dialog, and Jar Jar Binks as possible.” He called his new, 20-minute-shorter version of the film The Phantom Edit.

  The Phantom Editor never tried to sell his version of the film, but he did give it to friends…and they gave copies to their friends…and soon thousands of copies of the re-edit were circulating all over the Internet, making it arguably the most successful bootleg in Hollywood history. Many who saw it thought The Phantom Edit better than the original.

  THE AFTERMATH: The popularity of the first re-edit prompted scores of wannabes to do their own versions with names like Episode 1.2 and The Phantom Re-Edit. The phenomon began to get covered by the mainstream press; newspapers as prestigious as the Chicago Tribune even began printing movie reviews of the bootleg versions.

  So that’s why they call him King of the Jungle: Lions can mate more than 50 times a day.

  Lucasfilm had initially chalked the re-edits up to fans having fun, but as the craze continued to grow, the studio threatened legal action against bootleggers. Ultimately the Phantom Editor—or someone claiming to be him (or her)—e-mailed an apology to Lucas via a website called Zap2it.com, calling his film “a well-intentioned editing demonstration that escalated out of my control.” If you look hard enough, you can probably still find the film online.

  THE STAR: Randee Craig Johnson

  THE HEADLINE: Can-do: Candidate for Sheriff Brings Unique Qualifications to the Race

  WHAT HAPPENED: When Crawford County Sheriff Dave Lovely took early retirement in February 2002, the panel of three county officials invited applications from the public to fill the position of interim sheriff until the next election. One person who wrote in to apply was Randee Craig Johnson, 41, who cited his military experience and his “familiarity with the law” as things that made him a good candidate for the job.

  What did Johnson mean, exactly, by his “familiarity with the law”? Johnson wrote his letter from a cell inside the Crawford County Jail, where he’d been held since July 2001 while awaiting trial for murder. In his letter, Johnson predicted that he would be acquitted and asked the panel to look past his current circumstances when they made their choice. “I believe everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves,” he wrote.

  The Traverse City Record-Eagle ran a story on Johnson’s candidacy; it was picked up by the national wire services. The contest for Crawford County Sheriff wasn’t actually a real election, it was just three panel members appointing a temporary sheriff; but even so, when Johnson entered the race, newspapers all over the country ran the story, making it the most widely covered sheriff’s race in the United States.

  THE AFTERMATH: Johnson lost his bid for sheriff—the panel promoted Undersheriff Kirk Wakefield without even considering Johnson’s application. But he did prove himself in the end: On May 24, 2002, a jury unanimously acquitted him of murder and after 307 days in jail he walked out a free man.

  SUV drivers are twice as likely to talk on a cellphone as drivers of other kinds of cars.

  HOLY PUNCTUATION

  Isn’t it funny how the funniest things in life are usually not meant to be funny? These church bulletins from BRI stalwart Jim deGraff are a great example.

  Due to the rector’s illness, Monday’s healing service will be discontinued until further notice.

  The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet on Friday. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

  Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 p.m. Please use the back door.

  Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

  A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Tuesday.

  Don’t let worry kill you. Let the church help.

  Thursday night potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

  Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

  Ushers will eat latecomers.

  The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

  The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

  Today—Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.–8 p.m. Please use the rear parking lot for this activity.

  Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

  The Outreach Committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  Will the last person to leave please make sure that the perpetual light is extinguished.

  Makes sense: The horsefly can pierce horse hide with its mouth.

  OVER MY DEAD CHICKEN!

  Are you an activist? How far would you be willing to go for a cause you believed in? Here are some folks who went pretty far.

  PROTESTOR: Larry Eaton of Wilsonville, Oregon

  BURNING ISSUE: Six months after Eaton finished building his $300,000 dream house, the state announced it was going to build a minimum security prison across the street. The 40-year-old Eaton and several of his neighbors demanded that the zoning be changed from residential to commercial, so they could sell their houses for a reasonable price, but state officials refused.

  WHAT HE DID: In October 2001, after four years of attending city council meetings and begging for help, Eaton finally had had enough. He got a backhoe, dug some huge holes in his front yard and started planting school buses, nose down. He said they represented the family values the state buried when they put the prison in. He also said he’d plant a new one every month until the zoning was changed. “I promise you,” he said, “these buses won’t move until I do.”

  OUTCOME: He was up to five front-yard buses at last count. But even though it made national news, the state still won’t change the zoning. “It looks like Easter Island,” said one reporter.

  PROTESTOR: Chuay Kotchasit of Thamuang, Thailand

  BURNING ISSUE: In the early 1990s, Kotchasit invested his life savings of 580,000 bahts—about $13,000—in a mutual fund at the Government Savings Bank. The 65-year-old had hoped to use the interest from his nest egg for his retirement. But by 2001, the fund had lost two-thirds of its value. Kotchasit blamed the bank.

  WHAT HE DID: On August 14, 2001, Kotchasit walked into the local branch of his bank with a bag, tore it open, and drenched himself with human excrement. “It is more bearable than the stink of mismanagement,” he said. He told reporters that he had spent five days planning the protest.

  OUTCOME: Account closed.

  Shakespeare’s daughter was illiterate.

  PROTESTORS: Six hundred women in Escravos, Nigeria

  BURNING ISSUE: The exploitative practices of oil giant ChevronTexaco, whose multibillion-dollar refinery operations took place next to their impoverished villages.

  WHAT THEY DID: In July 2002, the women—unarmed—stormed Nigeria’s main oil export terminal and threatened to strip naked. They took 1,000 workers hostage and completely halted all traffic in and out of the terminal and said that if any of the workers tried to leave
the plant, they would take off their clothes—a powerful shaming gesture in Nigeria. Furthermore, they vowed to stay until negotiations with oil officials began.

  OUTCOME: Talks began immediately, and after 10 days the women agreed to end the siege. They won a written contract from the company to hire local workers, build schools and hospitals, and provide electricity and water to their villages.

  AFTERSHOCK: The success of the Escravos protest spurred copycat protests at five more refineries over the next month. Those protests also ended with deals from ChevronTexaco to improve the areas they did business in.

  PROTESTORS: Chicken supporters in Sonoma, California

  BURNING ISSUE: In early 2002, city officials in Sonoma started “removing” flocks of wild chickens that had lived freely and roamed the city for decades. Officials claimed the chickens were a danger to children, were a health hazard, and generally stunk up the town. The protestors argued that the birds were part of the town’s old-country charm and that the officials and real-estate developers were “ruining it in the name of progress.”

  WHAT THEY DID: “Chicken drops.” As soon as officials began removing the birds, other birds would mysteriously appear in the middle of the night—at the library, in the plaza, and at the Chicken Carwash, where a flock of more than 100 had once lived. Officials would take them away, but more would appear to take their place.

  OUTCOME: The conflict continues. Officials keep taking the chickens away, and protestors keep dropping off new ones. Says one chicken-hating resident, “It’s a comedy and it seems funny—until it’s happening to you.”

  Is it a pine? Is it an apple? It’s neither—the pineapple is actually a very big berry.

  UNDERWORLD LINGO

  Every profession has its own jargon—even the criminal world. These terms were compiled by someone else. We stole them fair and square… and we’re not giving them back, and no copper’s gonna make us!