Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader
Page 50
MORE OPENING LINES
Here are more winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a literary challenge to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. (See page 75 for the rules.)
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, “Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal.”
—Steven Garman, Pensacola, Florida (1984 winner)
• The corpse exuded the irresistible aroma of a piquant, ancho chili glaze enticingly enhanced with a hint of fresh cilantro as it lay before him, coyly garnished by a garland of variegated radicchio and caramelized onions, and impishly drizzled with glistening rivulets of vintage balsamic vinegar and roasted garlic oil; yes, as he surveyed the body of the slain food critic slumped on the floor of the cozy, but nearly empty, bistro, a quick inventory of his senses told corpulent Inspector Moreau that this was, in all likelihood, an inside job.
—Bob Perry, Milton, Massachusetts (1998 winner)
• Sultry it was and humid, but no whisper of air caused the plump, laden spears of golden grain to nod their burdened heads as they unheedingly awaited the cyclic rape of their gleaming treasure, while overhead the burning orb of luminescence ascended its ever-upward path toward a sweltering celestial apex, for although it is not in Kansas that our story takes place, it looks godawful like it.
—Judy Frazier, Lathrop, Missouri (1991 winner)
• Through the gathering gloom of a late-October afternoon, along the greasy, cracked paving-stones slick from the sputum of the sky, Stanley Ruddlethorp wearily trudged up the hill from the cemetery where his wife, sister, brother, and three children were all buried, and forced open the door of his decaying house, blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that was soon to devastate his life.
—Dr. David Chuter, Kingston, Surrey, England (1999 winner)
• The notes blatted skyward as the sun rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically peddling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by Nature’s maxim, “Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,” and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
—Sheila B. Richter, Minneapolis, Minnesota (1987 winner)
• “Ace, watch your head!” hissed Wanda urgently, yet somehow provocatively, through red, full, sensuous lips, but he couldn’t you know, since nobody can actually watch more than part of his nose or a little cheek or lips if he really tries, but he appreciated her warning.
—Janice Estey, Aspen, Colorado (1996 winner)
• Professor Frobisher couldn’t believe he had missed seeing it for so long—it was, after all, right there under his nose—but in all his years of research into the intricate and mysterious ways of the universe, he had never noticed that the freckles on his upper lip, just below and to the left of the nostril, partially hidden until now by a hairy mole he had just removed a week before, exactly matched the pattern of the stars in the Pleiades, down to the angry red zit that had just popped up where he and his colleagues had only today discovered an exploding nova.
—Ray C. Gainey, Indianapolis, Indiana (1989 winner)
• Paul Revere had just discovered that someone in Boston was a spy for the British, and when he saw the young woman believed to be the spy’s girlfriend in an Italian restaurant he said to the waiter, “Hold the spumoni—I’m going to follow the chick an’ catch a Tory.”
—John L. Ashman, Houston, Texas (1995 winner)
• A small assortment of astonishingly loud brass instruments raced each other lustily to the respective ends of their distinct musical choices as the gates flew open to release a torrent of tawny fur comprised of angry yapping bullets that nipped at Desdemona’s ankles, causing her to reflect once again (as blood filled her sneakers and she fought her way through the panicking crowd) that the annual Running of the Pomeranians in Liechtenstein was a stupid idea.
—BRI member Sera Kirk, Vancouver, B.C. (2001 winner)
58% of Americans say that when their finances improve, their sex life does too.
IT’S GREEK TO ME
Εϖερ ηεαρ σομεονε σπεωινγ ϕαργον ανδ ωονδερ “Ωηατ τηε ηελλ αρε τηεψ ταλκινγ αβουτ?” Σο ηασ Υνχλε ϑοην. Ηερε∏σ α παγε φορ ανψονε ωηοσε εϖερ σαιδ “ Ιτ∏σ Γρεεκ το με.”
Γαρβαγε: 400,000 πουνδσ οφ “πιζζα σλυδγε” (φλουρ, τοματο παστε, χηεεσε, πεππερονι, ετχ.)
Λοχατιον: Ωελλστον, Οηιο
Σουρχε: Α ϑενο’σ, Ινχ., φροζεν πιζζα πλαντ
Προβλεμ: ϑενο’σ προδυχεδ σο μυχη ωαστε ιν τηειρ πιζζα φαχτορψ τηατ τηε λοχαλ σεωαγε σψστεμ χουλδν'τ αχχομμοδατε ιτ. Τηεψ χουλδν’τ βυρψ ιτ ειτηερ, βεχαυσε ενϖιρονμενταλ εξπερτσ σαιδ ιτ ωουλδ “μοϖε ιν τηε γρουνδ” ονχε τηεψ πυτ ιτ τηερε. Τηεψ ηαδ το τρυχκ ιτ ουτ.
Γαρβαγε: 27 ψεαρσ' ωορτη οφ ραδιοαχτιϖε δογ ποοπ
Λοχατιον: Υνκνοων
Σουρχε: Δεπαρτμεντ οφ Ενεργψ εξπεριμεντσ. Φορ αλμοστ τηρεε δεχαδεσ, τηε ΔΟΕ στυδιεδ τηε εφφεχτσ οφ ραδιατιον βψ φεεδινγ 3,700 βεαγλεσ ραδιατιον−λαδεν φοοδ. Εαχη ατε τηε φοοδ φορ α ψεαρ ανδ α ηαλφ, ανδ ωασ τηεν λεφτ το λιϖε ουτ ιτσ λιφε.
Προβλεμ: Νο ονε αντιχιπατεδ τηατ ωηιλε τηε εξπεριμεντ ωασ γοινγ ον, τηε δογ−δοο ωουλδ βε δανγερουσ ανδ ωουλδ ηαϖε το βε τρεατεδ ασ ηαζαρδουσ ωαστε. Τηεψ σαϖεδ ιτ φορ δεχαδεσ… and φιναλλψ τοοκ ιτ το α ηαζαρδουσ ωαστε φαχιλιτψ.
Γαρβαγε: 1,000 πουνδσ οφ ρασπβερρψ γελατιν ανδ 16 γαλλονσ οφ ωηιππεδ χρεαμ
Λοχατιον: Ινσιδε α χαρ ιν Προϖο, Υταη
Σουρχε: Εϖαν Ηανσεν, α στυδεντ ατ Βριγηαμ Ψουνγ Υνιϖερσιτψ. Ηε ωον α ραδιο χοντεστ φορ “μοστ ουτραγεουσ στυντ” βψ χυττινγ τηε ροοφ οφφ α στατιον ωαγον ανδ φιλλινγ τηε χαρ ωιτη τηε δεσσερτ.
Προβλεμ: Ηανσεν χουλδν’τ φινδ α ωαψ το γετ ριδ οφ τηε ϑελλ−Ο. Ηε φιναλλψ δροϖε το α μαλλ παρκινγ λοτ, οπενεδ ηισ χαρ δοορσ, ανδ δυμπεδ ιτ δοων α δραιν. Ηε ωασ φινεδ $500 φορ ϖιολατινγ Υταη∋σ Ωατερ Πολλυτιον Χοντρολ Αχτ.
The Latin word for “dust” is pollen. (It can also mean “fine flour.”)
AS SEEN ON TV
It wasn’t long ago that when you saw a product advertised on TV, you went to the store to buy it. Then came the infomercial. Here’s the quintessential infomercial success story, the true tale of a washed-up producer who paired a washed-up product with a washed-up celebrity…and made a fortune.
THE WANDERER
For most people it isn’t easy figuring out what to do with your life. For Peter Bieler, a Canadian who graduated from college in the mid-1960s, it was next to impossible.
First he wanted to devote his life to spiritualism and lived a monk-like existence of prayer, meditation, and self-denial. But he got tired of that after a couple of years, so he found a job with the consumer products giant Procter & Gamble. He tired of that a few years later, so he went to film school, then managed a rock concert hall in Los Angeles, then landed a job with a
TV producer.
After that he got a job at the American Film Institute, after which he decided to become an independent film producer. That turned out to be harder than he thought it would be, so he tried out a job with a company making specialty videos. VCRs were still pretty new, and he was hoping to cash in on the boom.
By now it was 1986. Bieler had spent about 20 years figuring out what to do with his life, and he still hadn’t figured it out.
DOWN THE HALL
Bieler struggled at making videos, too; even his most successful production, The Eight-Week Cholesterol Cure, hosted by Larry King, was a dud. His whole division was losing money. “I had no budget for promotion or marketing,” Bieler writes in his book This Business Has Legs. “All this hard work, and the videos just sat on the shelf and collected dust. It was frustrating.”
The company where Bieler worked also had its own production studio that it rented to outside producers. It was constantly buzzing with activity, and one day Bieler went to see what was going on.
A camel with one hump is a Dromedary. If it has two humps, it’s a Bactrian camel.
EASY MONEY
The studio was being rented by a man named Tony Hoffman to produce a two-hour infomercial called Everybody’s Money Matters. Hoffman and his co-host Bob Braun sold their own books and also interviewed other authors selling the same kinds of get-rich-quick books and tapes: how to buy property with no money down, how to get low-interest loans from the government, etc. The show aired on cable at night when airtime was cheap, so it cost only about $7,500 to broadcast the two-hour show nationwide.
And on a good night the show generated more than $80,000 in cash sales of books and tapes direct to the public through the show’s 800 number—a heck of a lot more than Bieler’s division was making by selling videos to retail outlets.
Bieler went to his boss and suggested that the company itself get into the infomercial business instead of just renting out the studio to outside producers. His boss wasn’t interested, so Bieler formed his own company, which he named Ovation. But what would he sell?
Rather than try and invent something on his own, Bieler went to county fairs, home and garden shows, any place where he thought pitchmen might be demonstrating new products to live audiences. He finally settled on a chemical powder that turned spilled liquids into dried slush, which could then be vacuumed or scooped up by hand. He named the product “Gone.” It was interesting stuff, but it couldn’t do anything that paper towels couldn’t do for a lot less money. The infomercial bombed.
THE V-TONER
Bieler looked around for another product to sell. He found it with help from an entrepreneur named Josh Reynolds, who had made a fortune in the 1970s inventing the “mood ring,” a ring that changed colors according to changes in body temperature, supposedly revealing your mood.
Reynolds wasn’t having much luck with a new product he was trying to market, an exerciser invented by a Los Angeles chiropractor to help skiiers with broken legs maintain the tone in their good leg while the broken one healed. Called the “V-Toner,” the product was little more than two foam-padded triangular handles extending from a central steel spring to form a V-shaped angle.
The swine flu vaccine of 1976 caused more sickness and death than the flu itself did.
When you squeezed the two handles together, the spring in the center provided resistance, which helped build muscle tone.
The original inventor had managed to sell a few V-Toners, but Reynolds’s advertising campaign, which marketed it as a “gym-in-a-bag,” was a dud. Even though the product was an old dog, he still thought it had potential. Looking for new investors and new ideas, he found Bieler, who agreed to give it a shot.
THE MAIN SQUEEZE
Bieler took home the commercials that Reynolds had already made and watched them to figure out what had gone wrong. They weren’t bad, but they weren’t great, either. Bieler decided to make some changes.
• Rather than pitch it as an all-in-one, gym-in-a-bag product, he decided to emphasize one particular benefit: the fact that women could use it to tone and improve the appearance of their hips and thighs. (He also thought that video footage of sexy women exercising their thighs would make for compelling television.)
• The product’s new name: ThighMaster.
• Its new spokesperson: Suzanne Somers. Somers was a familar face who would get the channel-surfers to stop and pay attention. He wanted someone in her mid-forties, the same age as the customers he was targeting. Somers was famous for her role as Chrissy on the TV show Three’s Company. She was written out of the show in 1980 over a pay dispute, and since then her TV career had been struggling. Her sitcom She’s the Sheriff had failed miserably, and by 1986 it was questionable whether she would ever get another shot at primetime again. Still, for Bieler’s purposes she was the right age, the viewers knew who she was, and she was in great shape. She was perfect, and she took the job.
UP, UP AND AWAY
Two measures are used to gauge the success of an infomercial: 1) the number of broadcasting markets in which it earns more money than it costs to put the infomercial on the air, and 2) how well it works in different time slots. “ThighMaster was a colossal hit by both definitions,” Bieler says. “It worked everywhere. All the time.” ThighMasters started out selling at a rate of 2,000 units a week, then grew to 7,500 a week. But Bieler wanted more.
Speedy delivery: For every post office the in U.S., India has four.
OFF THE SHELF
Bieler knew from his research that only a fraction of viewers who see an infomercial will actually want to buy the product, and only 20% of these willing buyers will actually order the product over the phone. The rest—80%—wait until the product arrives in retail stores…and if it never arrives, they never buy.
Bieler wanted that 80%, so he took his infomercial profits and set up a nationwide sales force that would help to place the ThighMaster in stores like Wal-Mart, Kmart, and Target. The job was made easier by the fact that infomercial viewers all over the country were walking into retailers asking to purchase Thigh-Masters, only to go home empty-handed…and disappointed. When the salespeople came knocking, the retailers jumped at the chance to stock ThighMasters.
LARGER THAN LIFE
Sales soared again—this time to 75,000 units per week. The product broke sales records at Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and Woolworths, and in the process it became a cultural phenomenon: David Letterman and Jay Leno joked about it in their monologues, and it began popping up as a pop-culture reference in movies and sitcoms. Suzanne Sommers became a popular guest on talk shows again; even President George H. W. Bush joked to reporters that his chubby press secretary, Marlin Fitzwater, should use the Thigh-Master.
DISASTER-MASTER
In its first two years in business, Bieler’s company sold more than $100 million worth of ThighMasters, an unprecedented success.
• So where’s Bieler now? In 1993 he had a falling-out with his business partner and left Ovation forever.
• Where’s Suzanne Somers now? She never did get another hit TV series, but she’s done very well with infomercials for products like the Torso Track and the Facemaster.
• And where’s Ovation now? It’s gone. In 1995 the company, which launched one of the most successful infomercial products in history, closed its doors and filed for bankruptcy. How did that happen? Your guess is as good as ours…or Bieler’s.
“I don’t know,” he laments. “I wish I did.”
Celebrity sighting: Drew Carey once worked in Las Vegas. He was a waiter at Denny’s.
DOMINO THEORY
Uncle John recently learned that dominoes were invented in 12th-century China. What he found most interesting is that they were first used for fortune telling, not gaming. So he did some research and put together these basic tips for fortune telling with dominoes. (First tip: don’t try this in the bathroom.)
GETTING STARTED
Sort through a standard set of dominoes and remove an
y pieces with no dots. Then spread the rest face down on a table.
Next, draw three dominoes with your left hand and turn them face up. If two people are telling their fortunes, take turns drawing the dominoes. It’s also a good idea to make a wish.
BY THE NUMBERS
Here are what the numbers on your draw represent:
Six: Luck (may apply to granting your wish)
Three: Love
Five: Work and career
Two: Friends and social relationships
Four: Money
One: Travel
CONNECTING THE DOTS
Now combine the numbers on each domino to tell your fortune. Drawing a six-one, for example, means you’ll have good luck when you travel. Warning: Two specific dominoes are unlucky: four-two (expect a disappointment) and three-one (temporary bad news).
“Double” dominoes have special meanings:
Six-six: You’re getting married or (if you’re already married) will have very good luck at a wedding.
Five-five: You’ll get a promotion at work or a new job.
Four-four: Money will come to you from a surprising source.
Three-three: You’ll have a “new and important” love affair.
Two-two: You’ll make new friends and have fun with them.
One-one: You’ll visit a place you’ve never been before.
Gladys Knight would know: What do you call the spots on dice and dominoes? The “pips.”