Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  TOKEN PLAYERS

  In the 1970s, Garrett Morris’s biggest complaint was that the all-white writing team only gave him stereotypically black roles (he once performed “Proud Mary” dressed as Tina Turner). “I was hired under the terms of the Token Minority Window Dressing Act of 1968,” he half-joked. “I get to play all parts darker than Tony Orlando.”

  But that began to change when Eddie Murphy first got exposure as a commentator on “Weekend Update” in 1981. “There’s a different kind of black man on Saturday Night Live now,” he announced to the world as he held up a photo of Garrett Morris. The next season, Murphy produced and starred in a short film for the show in which he was made up to look like a white man… to see how “the other half” lived. That, along with his portrayals of James Brown and Stevie Wonder, brought the show a black audience.

  Damon Wayans joined as a featured player in 1985, thinking that he would take over where Murphy left off. He was wrong. Wayans wanted to improvise his in-your-face brand of racial comedy; the writers wanted him to read his “one line per skit” off of the cue cards. He protested when he purposely flubbed a skit on live television—a cardinal sin according to Michaels—and was fired that night. Wayans would soon get to showcase his talents on Fox’s variety show In Living Color, which was a huge hit for the fledgeling network. And NBC noticed.

  READY TO ROCK

  “I got hired because In Living Color was on,” said Chris Rock, who joined in 1991. “SNL hadn’t had a black guy on in eight years, and In Living Color was hot, so they had to hire a black guy.” Rock fared somewhat better than Wayans, most notably with his break-out character, urban talkshow host Nat X: “This week’s list—the top five reasons why white people can’t dance,” he would say wearing a huge afro wig, “Why only five? Because THE MAN won’t give me ten!” That joke hit pretty close to the mark, though, as Rock watched Farley and Sandler each get in twice as many skits. Like Wayans before him, Rock didn’t really get to showcase his talents until after he left the show.

  Tim Meadows has the distinction of being on the show longer than anyone else, and though he had some popular characters (such as the Ladies’ Man), the writers never gave him anything too controversial to say. Why? Meadows’s heyday fell between the Rodney King riots in 1992 and the O. J. Simpson Trial in 1995—a time when race relations in the United States were tense.

  In recent years, Tracy Morgan has added his brand of street comedy to SNL. Like Rock and Wayans before him, Morgan was heavily inspired by Eddie Murphy. And like Murphy, he’s getting to speak his mind on “Weekend Update” commentaries: “Racial profiling? I’m all for it—if ya’ ax me, I say, ‘Shake ’em down!’”

  BROADENING HORIZONS

  While there have been more women then black people on SNL (and only two black women, Ellen Cleghorne and Danitra Vance), very few have been given equal footing with the men—and thus very few memorable characters.

  But that trend, too, has been changing. The two stand-outs in recent years: Cheri Oteri’s cheerleader (with Will Ferrell) and Molly Shannon’s neurotic Catholic student Mary Catherine Gallagher. And although she had no breakthrough characters, Ana Gasteyer showed as much impressionistic range and musical talent as anyone on the show since Phil Hartman—a talent that landed her in a lot of sketches.

  In 1999 Tina Fey took over as head writer (the first woman to do so). She completely revamped the struggling “Weekend Update” segment by co-anchoring it with Jimmy Fallon, reminding viewers of the chemistry that Dan Aykroyd and Jane Curtin had back in the 1970s. Saturday Night Live was as funny and current as ever, but would soon face one of its most daunting tasks.

  FROM THE RUBBLE

  Only two weeks after the September 11 terrorist attacks in 2001, Saturday Night Live began its 27th season on uncharted ground. Lorne Michaels knew that the words “Live from New York” would have a greater resonance than ever before, so he planned the opening very carefully. After an emotional speech by Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who was surrounded by New York firefighters, longtime SNL friend Paul Simon performed a soulful rendition of his song “The Boxer.” Then an unsure Lorne Michaels asked the mayor, “Can we be funny?” After a brief pause, Giuliani returned with, “Why start now?” It was perhaps the first good laugh on TV since the tragedy and a sign that life would return to normal.

  The calories in a bagel with cream cheese can run an electric toothbrush for 52 hrs., 20 min.

  SIX DEGREES OF SATURDAY NIGHT

  After nearly three decades, hundreds of the entertainment industry’s biggest names have crossed paths with Saturday Night Live, from Robin Williams to Oprah Winfrey to Paul McCartney to Madonna. It’s tough to flip through the channels for too long without seeing some evidence of SNL’s impact: (click) The Chris Rock Show; (click) David Spade on Just Shoot Me; (click) Stripes with Bill Murray; (click) a commercial for Austin Powers; (click) “Tonight on Conan: Steve Martin, followed by Molly Shannon, with musical guest Elvis Costello” (who made his U.S. television debut on SNL).

  As Saturday Night Live enters its fourth decade, the show continues to collect Emmys and praise from critics, who marvel at the show’s longevity. Tom Shales continues to hail SNL, calling it a “weekly miracle.” When asked how he’s kept the show funny in the 21st century, Lorne Michaels answered: “I think that we’ve got those non-suck devices working again.”

  RANDOM SNL FACTS

  • Youngest host: Drew Barrymore, on Nov. 20, 1982, 7 years old.

  • Five hosts cast members most liked working with: Steve Martin, Tom Hanks, John Goodman, Alec Baldwin, Christopher Walken.

  • Short list of wanted hosts that have never appeared (so far): Johnny Carson, Tom Cruise, Bill Clinton.

  • Other SNL alums: Ben Stiller (1989), Janeane Garofalo (1994), Kevin Meaney (1986), Jay Mohr (1993–94), Chris Elliot (1994).

  Who figured out that the rings reveal the age of a tree? Leonardo da Vinci.

  MICROCARS

  One day in the early 1960s, young Uncle John was waiting in line at a Dairy Queen when he happened to see a strange little car pull into the parking lot. It looked like a refrigerator on wheels. That car—the Isetta—was Uncle John’s introduction to an unusual class of foreign car known as microcars. If you aren’t familiar with them, here’s yours:

  SIZE MATTERS

  In post-World War II Europe, economic realities were forcing car designers to rethink the idea of the automobile. Europeans were already accustomed to smaller cars. More densely populated than America, many of its cities had narrow streets that predated the automobile by centuries. As early as 1923, smaller, more easily maneuverable cars were being built by manufacturers such as Alfa-Romeo and Fiat.

  After World War II, fuel was expensive and materials were in short supply. The damaged economy made even these small cars out of reach for most people. In contrast to America’s postwar optimism—which was expressed by materialism and a “bigger is better” attitude—Europeans tightened their belts and looked for ways to get by on less. Many people used bicycles or motorcycles for transport, but these left a lot to be desired in inclement weather and were of little use for carrying much more than the driver.

  CREATIVE SOLUTIONS

  In the late 1940s and early 1950s a number of unconventional inventors began designing vehicles that were a sort of hybrid—more than motorcycles, but not quite cars. Many were designed to use motorcycle engines, particularly the early models. Later versions used more powerful proprietary engines. But one thing all the new cars had in common was size: they were very small. As a group, they became known as “microcars.”

  Some had four wheels, making them more carlike. But many had just three—usually two in front and one in back—which brought the cost down. According to British law, for example, a vehicle with fewer than four wheels (and without a reverse gear) was considered a motorcycle and was taxed at a lower rate than regular cars. Another plus: A less-expensive motorcycle license was all that was needed to drive the three-wheelers.r />
  Waterfront property: There are more than 30,000 islands in the Pacific Ocean.

  More than 50 different microcar brands were produced in Europe after the war. Some had a great deal of success; others barely got off the drawing board. With names such as Atom, Frisky, Scootacar, Trojan, and Wolf, it was difficult to take some of them seriously. But Europeans seemed to find the names and many of the wacky designs endearing. The vehicles were cheap to buy, economical to operate, and, as one ad said, “Why walk when you can ride?”

  SMALL BEGINNINGS

  Some of the diminutive vehicles were designed and built by companies with automotive backgrounds, such as British Reliant, which expanded on its prewar line of three-wheeled vans. (Reliant made three-wheelers until early 2001.) But many others were produced by inventive entrepreneurs with little or no experience in vehicle design.

  Bavarian businessman Hans Glas manufactured agricultural machinery. When demand for his equipment dropped sharply in the late 1940s, Glas thought there might be a market for a well-built scooter, so he began manufacturing one in 1951. He was right. After the success of the scooter, he went on to design a tiny car, the four-wheeled Goggomobile, first sold in 1955 for about $750. It was as rugged as its agricultural heritage might suggest—one reviewer noted that “the only way to flip a Goggomobile is to drive it over a land mine.” With more than 280,000 sold by the end of production in 1969, the Goggomobile became the most successful small car produced in Germany.

  LUFTWAFFE CHIC

  Another well-known microcar started out as a wheelchair. Shortly after the war, German aeronautical engineer Fritz Fend, a former Luftwaffe technical officer, began experimenting with some ideas he had for a hand-powered tri-cycle for disabled servicemen. His design evolved into a motorized version, with two wheels in front, the single wheel in the rear. When he started producing the vehicles, he was surprised to find that he was swamped by requests for it—not from disabled servicemen, but from ordinary people looking for cheap transportation.

  Ulysses S. Grant sometimes smoked as many as 20 cigars a day. (He died of throat cancer.)

  Fend was more of an inventor than a businessman, so to meet the demand for the new vehicles, he turned to his aviation contacts at the Messerschmitt aircraft company. The Messerschmitt factory, which had built fighter planes for the Nazis, was closed after the war. They were banned from making aircraft, so it was sitting idle…until it was put back to use making Fend’s little cars. The first production model of the eight-foot-long Messerschmitt, which the makers preferred to call the Kabinroller, was introduced to the public in 1953.

  With flowing lines and a clear, plastic dome top, it resembled a cockpit on wheels—and some people thought the Cabin-Scooter was made of old fighter plane parts. Reinforcing that misconception, the top opened upward and its two seats were in tandem, one behind the other. With a 191cc engine and a top speed of more than 50 mph, the Cabin-Scooter got 60 to 75 miles per gallon. Some 45,000 were sold by the end of production in 1964. A more powerful sibling, the Messerschmitt Tiger, had four wheels, a 500cc engine, and claimed a top speed of 90 mph.

  TINY BUBBLES

  Just before World War II, Italian businessman Renzo Rivolta purchased Isothermos, a small company that specialized in making refrigerators. After the war he added scooters and motorcycles to his line, then three-wheeled minitrucks, and then in 1952 his first car, the Isetta (“Little Iso”).

  Though the Isetta and the Messerschmitt were called “bubble cars” because of their rounded enclosures, the Isetta bore little resemblance to the Messerschmitt—there was no chance anyone could mistake it for a fighter plane. Sometimes called “an Easter egg on roller skates,” it was distinctly ovoid, 54 inches wide by 90 inches long.

  The entire front end of the Isetta served as its single front door, much like a refrigerator door. With the door open, occupants would step into the car, turn around, and sit down on the single seat. The driver closed the door by pulling on the steering wheel, which was attached to the door and would pivot into place. The car had a canvas pullback sunroof, which made motoring around the countryside more pleasant on sunny days, but the real reason for it was that in the event of a front-end collision, passengers could use it as an emergency escape.

  Odds that a thunderstorm will strike Daytona, Florida, in the next four days: 100%.

  Though versions of the Isetta were made in Brazil, France, Spain, and Belgium, it was BMW of Germany that refined the little car and contributed most to its success. In the postwar economy, BMW was having trouble selling its more expensive models and was looking for an economy car to manufacture. BMW scouts were impressed by the Isetta’s performance in Italy’s Mille Miglia (1,000-mile) race. One reportedly finished with an average speed of almost 50 mph and with a fuel efficiency of 60 miles per gallon.

  BMW bought the manufacturing rights, replaced the original engine with a more powerful 13-horsepower 247cc motorcycle engine and made several design improvements, such as better suspension and sliding side windows. At a cost of just 20% of its least-expensive luxury cars, BMW sold more than 160,000 Isettas in Germany. Another 30,000 were made in Great Britain under the BMW license. Some critics called it “a death trap,” but many historians actually attribute the survival of BMW to the success of the Isetta.

  BMW built Isettas until 1962, when competition from sturdier, more carlike microcars, especially the British-built Mini, was making bubblecars obsolete.

  MILLIONS OF MINIS

  In the late 1950s, microcars enjoyed a second surge of popularity. Egypt had seized the Suez Canal in 1956, and Britain was rationing gasoline. Sir Leonard Lord, head of British Motor Corporation, asked designer Sir Alec Issigonis to come up with something revolutionary—a car to “wipe those blasted bubble cars off the road.” And that’s exactly what happened.

  At roughly 41/2 feet by 10 feet, the Mini was only a little larger than most of the earlier microcars, but with proper car-like side doors and a front and rear seat. The engine was in its own compartment, in the front over the drive wheels. But the real revolution was the drive train—by turning the 848cc engine sideways and putting the gearbox underneath it, Issigonis fit all the mechanical parts into just 18 inches. That left plenty of room for four passengers and even luggage.

  With its four-cylinder 37-horsepower engine, the Mini could hold its own on the highway among larger cars. The early models had a top speed of 72 mph, but later performance modifications boosted that figure to over 100 mph, a remarkable speed considering the Mini rode on 10-inch wheels. The combination of size, power, and maneuverability made the car the best in its class, and sales figures reflected its successful design: during the 25 years after its introduction in 1959, more than five million Minis were built.

  Look it up (Chuck): Each year, U.S. airlines use more than 20 million airsickness bags.

  But in spite of its long popularity, the Mini gradually fell victim to the times. It was competing with small but more powerful sports cars and the economical Volkswagon Beetle. By the mid-1980s sales had fallen off dramatically. A new owner, the British auto manufacturer Rover, tried to revive the Mini by offering a number of special editions. Strong sales in Japan helped to keep it going for a while, but as the end of the millennium approached, it looked like the Mini would finally join the Isetta and other legendary little cars on the scrap heap of history.

  But history was about to repeat itself.

  BACK TO THE FUTURE

  In 1994 BMW was seeking to expand its line and bought the four-wheel-drive Land Rover. It turned out to be a bad match. English investors didn’t like the idea of a German company owning Rover, and the Rover division cost more money than it made. BMW sold off most of Rover in 2000, but the head of the company was a fan of the Mini…so they kept it.

  In 2001 BMW unveiled a new Mini, built in an English factory, sporting BMW styling and engineering. With a motor nearly twice the size of the original and more than twice the horsepower, top speed is estimated at 125 mph. A
utomotive reviewers think it is both a blast from the past—and a peek at the future.

  Though giant SUVs and luxury cars abound today, many car manufacturers with a grasp of history are preparing smaller, more fuel-efficient models. And if the BMW Mini is any indicator, modern microcars will feature high-tech advancements with new designs, materials, and fuels. Meaning: the future may hold mini more surprises.

  “I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, ‘No thanks—I’m not going that far.’”

  —Steven Wright

  Organ donor: J. S. Bach played the cathedral organ. So did 100 of his descendants.

  LET’S PLAY NINTENDO!

  Today’s video game business is less about boing! and crash! than it is about ka-ching! and cash! Here’s part V of the story of video games.

  NO SALE

  As we told you on page 411, back in 1981, Atari was the world leader in video games. In 1983 Nintendo offered to sell Atari the licenses to their Famicom game system, but they couldn’t come to an agreement, so Nintendo decided to go it alone. They renamed the American version the Advanced Video System (AVS) and in January 1985, introduced it at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, one of the largest such trade shows in the world.

  They didn’t get a single order.