I Don't Belong to You

by Samantha Restrew

  «Do you know the exact address where I should bring you?» she asks thoughtfully.

  «You can leave us in front of this café, Annie. Thank you» I answer.

  «Are you sure? To me it seems such a bad place. I could never forget myself if something would happen to you. I’m not in a hurry, I can bring you where ever you want.»

  «Don’t worry, Annie» Matthew tries to convince her. «As soon as we get down, we’ll send a message to my cousin Ethan and he’ll come to fetch us.»

  Thanks to this affirmation said with self-confidence, she is convinced and stop the truck. She let us down, greeting us with a hug. With me is just a hurried hug, but she delays a little longer on Matthew’s hard muscles. It looks like as if she’s massaging them, while embracing him.

  Finally she starts and, as soon as she isn’t visible, I approach Matthew and begin to express my doubts.

  «We finally got to Hawthorne, but now we have to find Tracy’s house. We know the address, it’s on George’s agenda, but it won’t be easy to find it without Google Maps, nevertheless asking to someone is not cautious.»

  He laughs: «You are really a daughter of these modern times. Trust me, it can be solved in a very simple way, as we did before the internet advent... Look, that sign is Hawthorne’s map and there are the names of the streets in alphabetical order.»

  «Don’t make fun of me» I answer offended. If he doesn’t stop laughing, I’ll have to shut his mouth by kissing him.

  We head to the sign and look for the street.

  «We are lucky, Matthew. Tracy’s house is not too far from here.»

  MATTHEW

  We walk through the streets, both in silence because immersed in our thoughts. I wanted to socialize, but it’s impossible in this moment. There is too much to think about: thoughts are submerging my mind. I’m about to see Tracy again and the concern is rising up to the stars. What my impression will be when I’ll be mirroring myself in her eyes again? What kind of feelings will I have. What will be the direction of my life, after this meeting?

  I’m also worried because it’s a small village. The possibilities to go unnoticed, compared to big cities like Los Angeles or San Francisco, are really few. If someone is going to be suspicious about us, this time we don’t have ready plans to save us.

  This is why I’m silent. But what about Khyla? Why does she walk silent? Why doesn’t she make one of her sincere smile to me, one of those smiles that can even illuminate a rainy day? Actually I can only guess what’s in her mind. Maybe she’s suffering because we are at the end of this adventure, without any certainty about our future together.

  Anyway we keep going and people seems more concentrated on her blond wig, than on my features, and this fact plays on our favor.

  After walking for about ten minutes, we are in the street where Tracy lives.

  «This is her aunt’s house» I say confident, indicating a two-family house with a small garden on the right.

  «Did you see the number?»

  «No, I know this house. My family and I spent a few days here at Aunt Margot’s home during summer holidays, when we were still happy and united.»

  I’m so sad that I can feel the tears coming fast, but I can fortunately hold them back. Suddenly I remember myself sitting at the table with Aunt Margot and my family. I can hear again my mother’s words praying my diligence at school, saying that she’s proud of me. Now she’s another victim of my unhappy passion. Now she’s locked up in psychiatric clinics, she became mad because of me. This is another reason why I struggle to give myself absolution. I don’t think I can really find peace, with all these guilt feelings that clutches my mind.

  Khyla is aware of my pain. She caresses my cheek with the back of her hand whispering that I shouldn’t be sad, that everything is going to be ok. I nod with a smile and squeeze her hand.

  We hide behind a tree trying to glimpse over the coming and going of the people along the street, to intercept Tracy’s presence behind the windows of the house. There seems to be no one inside.

  «Matthew, I’m tired. Can we go to have something to eat? We’ll come back here after we’ll get fed.» tries to suggest Khyla.

  «No, wait!» I exclaim motioned. «I saw her! She’s going upstairs...»

  Khyla looks toward the entrance of the house, and I do the same. I concentrate on looking at the girl with long golden hair gathered in a ponytail, the oval face with sleek features. She’s going up the short staircase leading to the main entrance of the house. Yes, she is my Tracy. There’s still something of her childish grace in the way she puts the key in the lock, as if she was opening a magic door, but her body is now one of a grew up woman.

  «What am I going to do? Should I go to meet her?» I ask to Khyla with my face pale with emotions.

  «No, wait!» she whispers gripping my arm to stop me just when I’m about to run to meet Tracy.

  «What is it, Khyla? Is there something wrong?»

  «Can you see those two men sitting in that grey car beside the house? They were already there when we arrived. I saw them with the corner of my eye. »

  «So what? They’re probably waiting for someone...»

  She shakes her head.

  «Sometime you’re really ingenuous. Don’t you understand? I think they are undercover cops. They are probably keeping the house in check, hoping you go there to meet Tracy.»

  «But the police think we are dead.» I say.

  «Yes, but they’re not so naïve. As long as they don’t find our bodies, they’re going to keep following all the leads.»

  «Damn! If you are right, it’s impossible to talk to her!» I say concerned.

  I can see on Khyla’s face a furious expression that isn’t promising anything good.

  «I don’t like what you’re saying! You didn’t drag me all over California and the Sierra Nevada just to back down now, I hope!?»

  «You don’t understand! I fought against everything and everybody to get here, Khyla, but it was all worthless. I don’t know if we’ll be able to avoid the police also this time and you’ve already been risking too much. Maybe it is better if you try to save yourself at least. You should leave for Mexico immediately.»

  «Without you? No, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to leave you right now. You’ll talk to Tracy and I’m going to help you. I’ve already got a plan.»

  CHAPTER 47

  KHYLA

  Matthew looks surprised at me, as if my words had hit him like a punch on his stomach.

  «Have you got a plan? What is it?»

  He takes my hands asking me this question dripping with hope. Hell! I released the bomb without thinking too much and now I’m really conflicted. I really want to help Matthew, but I fear that when he’ll talk to Tracy, he couldn’t help holding back his feelings for her, and I’ll lose him forever.

  I should be cautious and change the subject immediately, but in the trial of strength between talking and silent, wins the desire to give him a smile. So I sigh and explain my plan in detail.

  «Let’s talk about it. The fact that the agents were here even before Tracy came back home, means that they only have to control the movements near the house. It probably is just a precaution, because they think we’re dead. This means that we have to wait for Tracy to be out, to talk to her.»

  Matthew hardly holds his laughter. It seems that my genial plan arouses uncontrollable hilarity to him. How dare he? I would like to be a vampire to bite that sensual neck that now is in sight.

  «Excuse me, Khyla, but don’t you think that it’ll be suspicious to be seen with Tracy in the middle of the road? We are not in a big city. If they see us talking with her, they will understand that we are the two fugitive. The possibilities to remain unnoticed are very little in this situation.»

  I don’t give up.

  «It would be enough to make a date with her, in a quite place, and I think I found the way. I saw a park not far away from here. It is probably frequented by children just when they get out from sch
ool. You could have the necessary privacy.»

  «How can we make an appointment? We don’t know her phone number. Even giving for sure that they are in George’s agenda, the numbers and e-mail are probably controlled by the police.»

  How many objections! But they are all correct. Yet I really want them to meet. It hurts me, but I want his feelings to be clear to him once and for all. He told me that he loves me, but in that moment he was weak, under the effects of alcohol. Moreover, knowing what he felt for Tracy, I cannot be sure that his feelings for her decreased so much. I want to know, even if my need of knowing the truth meant to lose him forever. Besides, how could I know if he really loves me or if he’s just grateful? How can I trust him, fearing that his heart is still hers? Of course, if he chose Tracy, I’d just have a bunch of broken dreams.

  I speak again more vigorously.

  «You must trust me. Go to the park and wait sitting on a bench. I’ll say to Tracy to go there, in a way or another.»

  He looks at me in a way difficult to decode, then smiles and goes away.

  Good, he finally decided to listen to me. The problem is that I really don’t know how to get in touch with Tracy without awakening suspects in Hawthorne residents. The truth is that I haven’t got a plan. I have to be patient. As soon as Tracy comes out of the house, I will follow the inspiration of the moment.

  After a quarter of an hour of waiting, I’m beginning to convince myself that she decided to spend the whole day at home, when the door opens and she goes down the stairs in a hurry. I observe her carefully. Since I heard Matthew talking about her with dreaming eyes and trembling lips, I transformed her in my nemesis, my worst enemy. I imagined her like a vulgar girl, a soulless heartthrob, a despicable being. Instead the more I look at her, the more I realize how ethereal and delicate she is. I look at the policemen sitting in the car and see that they’re not following her, so I understand that I was right. I follow her without being seen, hiding myself behind trees, streetlamps or cars pretending to be indifferent, so as not to provoke the suspicious of those who might observe me. She walks fast, greeting people with a hand gesture. It won’t be easy to stop and talk to her. Then something at the end of the street capture my attention. I let go caution and run fast to take advantage on Tracy, that meantime stop to look at some shop windows.

  When I get nearer my goal, I slow down. I approach a young girl that is distributing flyers to the passers-by, I take one and take a few steps away pretending to read it carefully. Then I go back to her and start talking.

  «Excuse me, how long you do this job?»

  «A few weeks.»

  «Do you earn well?»

  «Not much»

  «Because, you see, I need to earn a bit more and I thought it could be ok for me. Yet I don’t know if I’m able to do it. I see that you encourage people to take the flyers with remarkable gestures and expressive ability. Maybe I’m not so good at it. May I try?»

  She looks at me for a moment and then says: «Are you joking? If my boss passes-by and sees that I let someone else to take my place, I’d be fired at once.»

  Hell! This one is a tough cookie... Meanwhile Tracy is walking fast toward us. There’s no time to lose.

  «Please, just for a few seconds...»

  «Sorry, I can’t.»

  «What if I gave you a fifty note? Would you let me try?»

  «Now we can talk about it. Cash.»

  How sad is this! Some people only understand money language. I hand her the banknote.

  «Have you got a pen?»

  «Yes, there it is.»

  She’s so intent on contemplating the banknote that doesn’t see me writing something on one of the flyers.

  I begin to distribute them to the passers-by, keeping the written one. When I finally see Tracy a step away from me, I call her.

  «Please, miss, take this flyer. On it you’re going to find just what you were looking for. I could swear it»

  I give emphasis to the gesture, so to force her to look at the flyer. She takes it, look at it, turn it upside down and read the words I wrote before, then looks at me gratefully and run to the park.

  «Ok, I don’t think it’s the right job for me. Take your flyers and have a good work day» I say to the girl that meantime placed the banknote in her wallet.

  «But you looked good at it! What was that phrase you said to that girl? That she was going to find just what she was needing on the flyer. I must remember it. She went away really happy.»

  I greet her and go away. I have more urgent thing to do than paying attention to a greedy young girl.

  CHAPTER 48

  KHYLA

  I’m following Tracy from a certain distance. I could run and let her find me sitting on the park bench near Matthew, so to show her that now he has me and doesn’t feel anything for her. But if I did it, there would be too many questions. I must start from a certainty. He must really understand who, among the two of us, is more important to him.

  She walks fast toward the park to meet Matthew. Following her I notice a big slide at the playground, behind which I could hide to observe without being seen. I go there and look at the bench, but it’s empty. Where is he? Even Tracy looks around desperately, perhaps she is thinking to be the victim of a bad joke. Then he comes out from the playground and she runs to embrace him affectionately, perhaps too much for my heart sick with love. It hurts me to see them so tight, but I don’t have the strength to go away right now. I know that in this moment I’m masochist. Witnessing them embraced causes me an inner tsunami that cracks me, but I must be strong and listen to their conversation. I have the right to know about my future.

  «Matthew, I can’t believe you’re here! I thought you were dead!» she says embracing him.

  At first he stays still, then, after a moment of shock, embraces her back and bent to kiss her golden hair.

  «Come on, let’s sit on the bench and tell me everything. I was informed by the media about your escaping and I was afraid. I knew you were coming here, my father told me, but I didn’t know if you ever succeeded in your intent. I dreamed day and night the moment I would have re-embraced you. But that snow slide frightened me so much!»

  «I’m sorry you did worry about me. There have been a number of mishaps, but now I’m here with you.»

  I imagine he continues saying “I’m not going to leave you anymore.”, instead he doesn’t and I still allow myself to hope.

  They squeeze their hands and looks in each other’s eyes. I’ve never seen Matthew so tender, since I know him.

  «I want to tell you, Tracy, that I didn’t intent to shoot your father. The gun was empty.»

  «Yes, I know you’re a good guy. You just wouldn’t be able to hurt a fly. You couldn’t even imagine how I felt knowing that you were in jail because of me. I did everything to explain to my father that I wanted to defend you, but he objected that I was too young to understand, that you raped me, made me pregnant and ruined my life.»

  «I know what he thought and still thinks, he reaffirmed it to me in San Francisco» He answers melancholically. «What I’m really sorry for, is that because of him I left you alone just in the time of need. We’ve been naïve, this is for sure. We didn’t think about the consequences. And now, of what we have been, nothing left. Your father told me that our son is born dead. It should have been very difficult for you to finish pregnancy this way.»

  Tracy stands up and start crying with anger: «What did he say? What a coward!»

  Matthew embraces her, trying to calm her down. While she’s crying, he caresses her saying that it’s all right. With me he has never been so tender and protective. It’s clear that I deceived myself.

  «My father told you a colossal lie. Our son isn’t dead.»

  «Really? I would really like to meet him» Matthew exclaims hopefully.

  «I can’t help you. He forced me to put him into adoption soon after birth. I didn’t want, those few hours we spent together had made me so happy. He looked like you ver
y much! I also think he had grey eyes like yours. I know it’s difficult to distinguish the color just after birth, but I saw the same light.»

  «So he’s alive but doesn’t live with you. Do you know where he lives?»

  «No, my father was wise then I expected. He managed to give him away and there was nothing that I could do to get informations about. He took advantage on the fact that, after Mattie’s birth, I was ill because of a bad infection. When I recovered, he was already far away, with a new family.»

  «Did you call him Mattie?»

  «Yes, I wanted a name that could remember, at least in the sound, his father’s. I intended to give him a sign explaining that you wasn’t there not because you didn’t want to, but because you couldn’t. I wanted to take care of him alone, while waiting for you to come back, instead the events prevented me from playing my role as a mother.»

  My eyes are full of tears so that I can’t look clearly. I’m so pained that I can’t focus my eyesight. Matthew and Tracy are hugging, their heads are very close. They are probably kissing, in the attempt to recover the lost time.

  And what about me? I’m an intrusion. I collapse onto the ground, trying to hold back the sobs not to be heard by the two lovers. All right, they found themselves and won’t leave anymore. But what about me? I’m so desperate, that I get up and start running. With the tears that blind my eyes it’s difficult to avoid obstacles, yet I manage to get out from the park and go on the street. Matthew chose Tracy and I don’t know yet what to do with my life without him.

  MATTHEW

  Tracy is in my arms. It was years, since the police separated me from her, that I wanted our happy ending. I’m finally here, with her touching my rough cheek with her soft pink skin, almost porcelain. In the end I miss nothing. She’s here by my side, my son isn’t dead. It could be enough to ask her to follow me and maybe, one step at a time, we would be able to pick up the pieces of our story and to recompose them in a perfect picture. But why am I so troubled? Why can’t I enjoy this oasis of normality?