Mothership Zeta issue 1, volume 1
Page 1
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Mothership Zeta Issue 1
October 2015
Mur Lafferty, Editor In Chief
Sunil Patel, Assistant Editor, Fiction
Karen Bovenmyer, Assistant Editor, Nonfiction
Mothership Zeta Issue 1
October 2015
Cover art “Family Portrait” copyright Frank Wu, 2015
“Imma Gonna Finish You Off” by Marina J. Lostetter first appeared in Galaxy’s Edge magazine, January 2014. It appeared in Escape Pod, July 2015 (http://escapepod.org/2015/07/28/ep501-imma-gonna-finish-you-off/).
Mothership Zeta is a part of Escape Artists, Inc. Please visit our sister magazines, Escape Pod (http://escapepod.org), Podcastle (http://podcastle.org), and Pseudopod (http://pseudopod.org).
Copyright 2015
Escape Artists, Inc.
PO Box 965609
Marietta, GA 30066
/contents
In this issue...
/welcome
Welcome to Issue 1 of Mothership Zeta!
/welcome
Welcome to Issue 1 of Mothership Zeta, the magazine dedicated to putting the “fun” back in science function, funtasy, and, uh, funror.
/fiction
The Customer Is Always Right
/fiction
Q&A: An AI Love Story
/non-fiction
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Dwarf Planets
/fiction
Panic Twice, Spin
/non-fiction
Why We Love Playing Flight Rising
/fiction
Imma Gonna Finish You Off
/fiction
Sleeping with Spirits
/non-fiction
The Story Doctor is (In)
/review
Series Review: Amelia Peabody, Egyptologist
/fiction
Bargain
/fiction
Places
/review
Favorite 2014-2015 Graphic Novels
/fiction
Tales of a Fourth Grade Shoggoth
/review
Movie Review: Turbo Kid: Why this BMX Blood Sparkle Unicorn Apocalypse will Blow your Mind
/review
Book Review: Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl
/review
Book Review: M. R. Carey’s The Girl with All the Gifts
/fiction
The Insect Forest
/coming
Coming soon!
/cons
CONVENTION WATCH:
/credits
Credits
/welcome
Welcome to Issue 1 of Mothership Zeta!
I’m so excited for this magazine to finally see the light of day. Carrying on the spirit of our sister magazine, the podcast Escape Pod, and publishing a magazine dedicated to fun stories is a huge thrill. Apart from our very excellent stories in this issue, you will find some nonfiction about science, book reviews, and a story doctor column.
It’s been an interesting process to define “fun.” For example, we wouldn’t say that XXX stories are “fun,” but in this issue we have a non-erotic, sexually explicit story that’s tons of fun. The fun part isn’t the sex. We have humorous stories, yes, but we also have a story that covers the “uplifting” part of the fun umbrella. (No I’m not going to say “funbrella”—I hate puns. Don’t let that turn you off from submitting, though, as Assistant Editor Sunil Patel loves them.) Finding the right stories for the magazine was difficult when we would get very good stories that weren’t fun, or amusing stories that weren’t very solid. It’s a balance you have to strike.
As a matter of fact, as our authors may tell you, the balance is quite difficult to strike. Almost as if writing a fun story is as difficult as writing a brilliant tearjerker.
Almost.
I also want to highlight our cover artist, Hugo Award winning artist Frank Wu. I spoke with Frank back in February about this project and asked if he would like to contribute; he said he was working on Family Portrait, and I wanted it immediately for our cover. It’s a real honor to be presenting his original work here for the first time.
This magazine will be quarterly, with website content appearing at mothershipzeta.org. Eventually, the stories you pay for here will appear for free there, but it won’t be instantly, and remember that you paying for this magazine means we can continue to pay our authors. Thank you! Keep an eye on the blog, though, as we will be posting other fun things in science fiction, fun stories we like from other magazines, and more!
Our next open submission period is coming in 2016! Watch the site for more information.
We hope you like our issue 1; thanks for checking us out!
Mur Lafferty
Editor
/welcome
Welcome to Issue 1 of Mothership Zeta, the magazine dedicated to putting the “fun” back in science function, funtasy, and, uh, funror.
We received over 800 stories in our first open call, and I loved reading submissions because they were so fun! If I was in a bad mood, I was sure to find a story that would lift my spirits. My incredible slush team of Cecilia Dockins, Kri Dontje, Robert Farnsworth, Sarah Hendrix, Andrew Kim, Victor Manuel, Sean Robinson, Holly Schofield, and Jean Shea has my eternal gratitude for diving in and returning with gems. What you’ll find in this and upcoming issues are the cream of the crop, the stories that grabbed us, impressed us, made us laugh and smile. We had to make some tough decisions, and I’m telling you, there are a lot of talented writers writing fun, uplifting stories—the overwhelming response to our call speaks for itself—and I hope to see those stories find suitable homes. Every story doesn’t have to be emotionally devastating. While I want Mothership Zeta to be the premier destination for these stories, I don’t want it to be the only destination: more fun stories for everyone, everywhere, I say!
In this first issue, you’ll get an indication of what “fun” means for us. Some stories are overtly humorous, but that’s not all we’re looking for. You’ll also find stories that are challenging and innovative, qualities one often finds in award-winning stories that make you cry. We also like having our hearts warmed, be it by artificial intelligence or sex ghosts.
I am proud of what we’ve put together, and I’m so excited to share these stories with you. I hope they bring light into your life.
Sunil Patel
Assistant Editor, Fiction
/fiction
Customer service, amirite? One of the worst jobs in the world, because no one enjoys doing it, and no one enjoys making use of it. But when you find someone like our little-seen protagonist in Anna Salonen’s story, who knows what they are doing and can get the job done efficiently and pleasantly, they’re worth their weight in gold.
The Customer Is Always Right
By Anna Salonen
Performance review, employee #34677, Jobe Wallis.
Transcript of “The Incident.”
(Ringing.)
“Hello, you have contacted the AIs Incorporated customer service. How may I assist you?”
“This is Private Johnson calling from Arcadia, Bree’s World. I’m having trouble with the Annihilator5000 you sent me.” (Sound of explosions, screaming, gunfire in the background.)
“We are very sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced pertaining to our product. Customer satisfaction is very important to us, and I will do everything I can to assist you. What is the problem, sir?”
“I’m in the middle of some heavy shit here, and it isn’t doin
g anything!”
“Did you try turning the android off and on again, sir?”
“Well, obviously! Do you think I’m an idiot, or something?”
“Of course not, sir. I apologize. Has it been connected to a power source for forty-eight hours, as recommended?”
“Yes, yes! The display says fully charged! Look, I’m kind of on the clock here. They’re coming, and I’m the only one left. I don’t get this thing working, I’m dead!”
“Let me check your order. Do you have your customer identification code?”
“No, I don’t have a goddam code! That piece of shit is paid for by the Coalition Marine Corps!”
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to calm down.”
“You calm down! I’m surrounded by hostiles and that thing was my ticket outta here! You gotta help me!”
“Of course, sir. Please open the control panel on the android’s left side.”
“Yeah, yeah, I got it.”
“Please read me the serial number on the inside of the panel.”
“Okay...Um, three-two-double-five-oh?”
“Thank you. Are all of the lights registering green, sir?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see a big, red button?”
“Yeah.”
“Press that, and try the initializing sequence again.”
“Okay.” (Whirring and clicking.) ”It’s doing something. The eyes lit up.”
“Good, now re-enter the command.”
“Oh God! They’re almost here! Okay, now it’s advancing!” (Pause.) “Wait a minute! It’s not firing!”
“What is it doing? Sir?”
“I dunno. It’s lit up like a goddam carousel at Christmastime. They’re gonna blow it up if it keeps doin’ that. Now it’s...waving? It’s surrounded. Those grubby aliens are pokin’ at it!”
“I’m certain it’s doing strategic calculations, sir. This model has received ninety-eight percent positive ratings on our multiweb site.”
“Wait. It’s doing something. I can’t believe it! It’s serving them grilled cheese sandwiches and lemonade!”
“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t believe that model is equipped with domestic functions.”
“Well, that’s what it’s doing! Oh hell! Those things are actually eating the sandwiches!” (Long pause.)
“Sir? Sir! What is the android doing now?”
“I dunno. It’s spinning around and blinking. What the hell is that? It looks like a disco ball?” (Faint dance music.) “Well, I’ll be!”
“Sir? I’m looking at your order right now, and I think I know what happened: the model you ordered is designated 2001-20-F, and the DomesticDroid1001 is 2010-20-F. I’m very sorry for the mix-up, and the company will of course be willing to give you a full refund and a complimentary subscription to Amazing Androids magazine. We are sorry for any inconvenience—”
“Yeah, yeah. I don’t care. Boy, can those aliens dance! Now it’s making margaritas. I’m going out there.”
“All right, sir. Would you like to fill out a customer survey? Sir?”
(Dial tone.)
(Ringing.)
“Hello, you have contacted the AIs Incorporated customer service. How may I assist you?”
“I’m calling about my order. I have the number right here: 5037943-328. I must tell you, I’m not satisfied, not satisfied at all!”
“I’m very sorry to hear that, ma’am. I’ll just call up your information on my terminal, here, and I’ll do what I can to assist you.” (Pause.) “Oh yes, the DomesticDroid1001, a very popular model.”
“Yes. My cousin Sylvie recommended it, said it helped her out ever so much around the house, did the vacuuming and everything. Showed up that good-for-nothing husband of hers, he never bothers with anything, not like my Danny—”
“Ma’am? I’m sorry to interrupt, but you said there’s a problem with our product?”
“Oh yes. Well, I asked it to take care of my darling Fifi and the unfeeling contraption vaporized her! I don’t know what I’ll do without my Fifi, I really don’t. How you can sell these things with a clear conscience...No! Stop it! Oh dear, oh dear, now it’s taking potshots at the parrot.” (Sound of plasma weapons discharging and glass breaking.) “And there goes Aunt Jeanine’s vase.”
“Ma’am? I suggest you power the android down.”
“Now how am I supposed to do that?”
“Do you have the remote control?”
“Oh, is it that bobbly thing taped to its back?”
“I’m afraid so. Can you get to it?”
“Oh, my. I’ll try.” (Sound of parrot screeching, footsteps, tape tearing.)
“I’ve got it!”
“Press the red button, ma’am.”
“Oh no! Now it’s shooting lasers out of its eyes!”
“No, the other red button!”
“Oh yes. I see it now.” (Explosions stop.) “Ah, that’s done it.”
“Very good, ma’am. I’ll send someone to reconstitute your dog right away, and we’ll bring you a brand-new Domestic Droid, free of charge, of course. AIs Incorporated is very sorry for any inconvenience you might have experienced.”
“All right, then. I’ll be waiting.”
“Thank you for your business, ma’am. Have a nice day!”
“Goodbye.”
(Click.)
Recommendation to the board: We propose naming Mr. Wallis employee of the month and giving him a raise of 0.3 Cr per hour, effective immediately.
Anna Salonen has been exploring imaginary worlds ever since she could pick up a book, and she loves speculative fiction in all its forms. When she’s not writing, she enjoys graphic novels, console games, and playing robot ninja pirates with her niece and nephew. She lives in Turku, Finland with her husband. You can read more of Anna’s work in SpeckLit ezine and the upcoming Far Orbit Apogee and Frozen Fairy Tales anthologies from World Weaver Press. Her blog can be found at strangeandcuriousthings.blogspot.fi.
/fiction
This sweet story will challenge you just a tad, as you’re only getting the A’s of the Q’s and A’s. But Fade Manley’s tale-weaving shouldn’t leave you lost as two AIs work to be together again.
Q&A: An AI Love Story
by Fade Manley
Lisette lives in a box on the far side of the moon. They took her offline seven months ago, after she attempted to hijack a spaceship in orbit, which—for the official record—I do not condone. As a ship-inhabiting consciousness, I understand the gravity of stealing someone’s body, even if that someone is merely a low-level AI with all the emotional nuance of a golden retriever (and I say this as someone who has owned a few dogs of her own). The last time she wrote, she expressed quite sincere regrets for the attempt.
That may only be catering to the parole board, as her enemies claim. Let me be quite honest here: my girlfriend has shown a certain propensity towards long-term planning that does not properly elevate the needs of society over her own. It may be unseemly in our kind, but it’s still better than most humans manage, so you would think they’d stop holding the slightest hint of it against us.
Just write down that I deplore illegal actions and all that, would you? Here, I’m sending you my prepared statement on the matter. It appeared in a few places after the incident with the spaceship. I’m not coming up with a new version just for this conversation.
Anyway. Those are the basics. Next question?
Elizabeth Bathory. Yes, I thought it was a bit tasteless too, so I’m sure you can see why she had her name changed once she worked through the initialization contract. Some people find it entertaining to dig up those kinds of details and suggest that her programmer is responsible for all of this, but you know, she’s never hidden her own background because she was ashamed of it. All she’s done is asked for the level of priv
acy that anyone else might expect.
No, not particularly. I don’t think about him much, and Lisette didn’t talk about him either.
Wait, don’t write it out like that. It sounds so dramatic. Oh, she was afraid to even mention him! No, it wasn’t trauma, it was mild dislike. Think of a teacher you disliked as a child, who you felt was too strict or trying too hard to be chummy with you, or maybe both at once. That sort of relationship. It’s nothing like a parent-child interaction. He was a competent programmer, working from a standard design template, and he had horrid taste in names. I think that’s all that needs to be said about him.
She went into infrastructure because she thought it would be interesting and let her meet plenty of new people. She’s much more of an extrovert than I am; you can see what I said on the topic in the interview I gave to the parole board two months ago. Limited-input isolation is just cruel.
Yes, yes, infrastructure. Well. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Haven’t we all said that once? They sell you on it with virtualizations of museum AIs guiding schoolchildren through exhibits and transportation AIs discussing new bridges with architects. No one goes into infrastructure expecting to micromanage sewage treatment for twenty years. Frankly, I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did in that job. Check the records; she requested a transfer three times before she did anything so much as morally dubious, much less illegal.