“I predict five minutes in you’ll be hooked.”
“Doubtful, but I’ll give it a try.”
“Pick your flavor,” she said in front of the freezer. “But don’t touch my Chunky Monkey.”
He laughed. “Yes, ma’am.”
Armed with spoons and ice cream, they settled on opposite ends of the sofa with the only light coming from the moon and TV.
She covered herself with the throw, then, while the baby ate from her, she nibbled ice cream, savoring the creamy yummy goodness, wondering if Brody was having as good a time as her.
Once she’d switched Donny to her opposite breast and he’d eaten his fill, she took him out from under the blanket for a kiss and cuddle. “Ready for bed?”
“He’s done?”
She nodded, discreetly fastening her nursing bra before tugging down her PJ top.
“But what’s going to happen between Stephie and Bill? Shouldn’t we at least stay up long enough to see what unfolds? This show is intense.”
Laughing, she said, “Told you so. It’s addictive, huh? Brandon loved it, but forbid me to ever tell you. He was addicted to Young and the Restless, too.”
“For real?”
“Absolutely. He even surprised me for our eighth anniversary by getting us meet and greet tickets to hang out with cast members from the show.”
“No offense, but such a Brandon move,” he said with a smile.
“That’s a horrible thing to say.” She pitched a throw pillow at him.
“Bet they were VIP tickets, too?”
She pitched another pillow.
Brandon easily dodged.
“In his defense,” she said, curiously a little winded, “If he hadn’t gone the VIP route, we wouldn’t have gotten the free T-shirts.”
“Uh huh…” He was still grinning.
“What? They were great shirts. I still have mine.”
“Did I say they weren’t?”
“You had a definite tone.” Why couldn’t she stop grinning? Her lips felt frozen in happiness. It had been so long, she’d forgotten how intoxicating true happiness could be. Was it a bad thing that her first uncontrollable laughter after losing her husband stemmed from silly late-night banter with his brother? Probably. Clearing her throat, glancing down at her cherub of a sleeping baby, she asked, “Ready for bed?”
“Wait—we don’t get to find out about Bill and Stephie? I figured you’d have another recorded show on your DVR?”
“Nope. We only get one a day.” She turned off the TV. They’d both finished their ice cream. Too tired to deal with the mess now, she’d gather the cartons and spoons in the morning.
He held out his hand to help her from the sofa.
She accepted, fighting a tingly rush of awareness stemming from the briefest touch of their hands.
“That sucks…” He still held her.
“Yeah…” She let him.
“So we meet here tomorrow night for more?”
Once again breathless for no apparent reason, she nodded.
“Cool. We’ll make it a standing date. That is, if you agree, little man?” With his free hand, Brody skimmed the crown of sleeping Donny’s head.
In that spellbinding moment, with their touch completing a circle, the only sound aside from the quickening of Lilianna’s heart was the wind’s lonely wail. The thing was, being here—now—with Brody, made her no longer feel alone, but part of something bigger, infinitely more meaningful than herself.
Should be a good thing, right? But not only was Brody taboo by virtue of him being her brother-in-law, he admittedly had demons he might very well spend the rest of his life having to fight.
Yet here she stood, still holding his hand. Brody still held their circle closed by tenderly cupping his nephew’s head, and however brief this enchanted time may be, Lilianna was determined to enjoy every blissful second.
Because honestly? She wasn’t sure when her next bliss might come.
Chapter Eleven
THE LAST TIME Brody had been in the town’s historic chapel was for his brother’s funeral. Now, while Lilianna helped backstage with preparations for the annual holiday pageant, he still couldn’t say he felt entirely at ease, but for her sake, for his parents’, he was working on it.
That said, if he wasn’t in the house of God, he would have added a healthy splash of rum to his punch.
“How’s it going?” His friend and former SEAL teammate Tanner Muldoon approached. He was a towering Swede with a name that didn’t match his DNA. His eyes were so pale his Navy call sign had been Ice.
“Guess things could be worse—like if I’d actually had to be onstage. Jenny tried wrangling me into being a shepherd, but showbiz isn’t my thing.” Tanner served as Kodiak Gorge’s fire chief. Though his life’s work was serving their small community, he’d never been the showy type.
“Thought you two divorced?”
“Me, too. But something got screwed up with the paperwork, and suddenly we’re not. Her LA apartment is being renovated, so I offered to let her stay here through the holidays. We kept it platonic until one night before Thanksgiving. We’d both had a few too many beers and then clothes were flying. Now…” He cleared his throat, leaning in so no one else within earshot might overhear. “On the way to the chapel she told me she might be pregnant.”
“Did she take a test?”
“She’s going to. But by the time we got to the drugstore, it was closed. Pearl’s was, too.”
Brody nodded. Alaska wasn’t like the lower forty-eight where you could grab a pregnancy test while checking out at the Dollar Store.
Glad to have his mind off his own issues, Brody asked, “If she is pregnant, what are you going to do?”
“Great question. She wants nothing more than to leave Alaska. I can’t imagine not staying. She’s obsessed with So Cal, but how many years were we stationed down there?”
“Too many. The traffic was so bad I was beginning to prefer dodging enemy fire to changing lanes during rush hour.”
Laughing, they exchanged high-fives.
“Enough about me,” Tanner said. “I saw you come in with Lilianna and her baby. Are you finally making your play?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know exactly what it means. She was yours before she was ever Brandon’s. Sorry—I don’t mean to be insensitive. I mean, I know you both still miss him. But think about it—Colby and I heard you wax on about her ad nauseam for years.”
“Seriously?” Brody grabbed his so-called friend by his upper arm, propelling him toward the quiet corner storing the coat rack. “Why the hell would you bring up that ancient history? Especially here?”
“Maybe because it shouldn’t be history? I saw the way you looked at her, and your nephew looked at home in your arms.”
“I’ve only been back a day. Even if any of what you said was true I’m not in the market for a wife and kid and Lili’s sure not—”
“I’ve been looking for you two.” Colby strolled up. He held his toddler son, who was dressed in a pint-sized Santa suit. Brody had never seen him look happier. “Rose told me she saw you, Lilianna, and Donny stroll in like you were a ready-made family. No offense to Brandon, but it’s about damned time if you ask me. You did claim her first.”
“For the last time,” Brody said, “there was no claim, and she was my brother’s wife.”
“He’s gone. Who better to replace him than you?”
“I don’t want to be a replacement. I want—never mind. You two wouldn’t understand.”
“I get it,” Colby said. “You want her to want you for you.”
“Here we go…” Tanner rolled his eyes. “Ever since Colby got hitched, he fancies himself our resident love doctor.”
“If you’d pay more attention to what I say, you and Jenny might have a second chance.”
Tanner waved off his friend’s offer.
“Lord, I need a beer,” Tanner said.
“Did I miss some
thing?” Colby asked while his son, Nick, squirmed in his arms. Across from the punch and cookie table, a group of youngish school kids were playing. “I know, buddy. You want in on that action, but you’re still a little young.”
Brody blurted, “Tanner thinks Jenny might be pregnant.”
“Way to keep a secret.” Arms crossed, Tanner sulked.
“What’s with the long face?” Colby asked. “This sounds like a cause for celebration.”
“We’re not you and Rose,” Tanner said. “We’ve been trying our damnedest to get officially divorced for a year now.”
“If you hate each other so much, how’d she end up pregnant?” Brody winked as he and Colby shared a laugh.
“Since the topic of hate is on the table, I hate both of you.” He flipped them both the bird, then left to grab a stack of six sugar cookies.
“He needs to watch that profanity in front of my kid.” Colby gave Nick a squeeze.
“I can’t believe how he’s grown.” The last time Brody had seen the kid, he’d been an adorable blob like Donny. But now, he laughed and pointed and waved before shyly snuggling his face into the crook of Colby’s neck. Brody craved the same adoration from Donny.
“You know what they say about time flying when you’re having fun.”
“I’m happy for you.” Brody patted his friend’s shoulder. “Marriage and fatherhood seem to suit you.”
“They could you, too.” He nodded toward the curtained stage, where Lilianna stood beside a shepherd and a wise man, sharing a laugh. Her pale green dress made her darker green eyes sparkle. She’d worn her hair upswept, showing off not only her elegant neck, but the diamond drop earrings Brandon had given her for Christmas the year before he died. “Not to put any pressure on you, but see that guy?” He pointed to a tallish suit standing just to Lilianna’s left.
“You mean Trace? From the bank?”
“One and the same. Over breakfast the other day, Rose mentioned that Trace and Lilianna shared a kiss. She also mentioned your mother is wondering if he’s planning a holiday proposal.”
“What? They work together. I’m sure Rose misunderstood. I can’t imagine Lili being into a suit like him.”
“As opposed to?” Colby straightened Nick’s crooked Santa hat. “Say… Someone like you?”
“I’m a bona fide mess.” Brody looked down at his clasped hands. The thought of Lilianna being with anyone but him sent his pulse into overdrive. In the same respect, what could he offer a professional woman like her? Or her son? “Thanks for tracking down my VA counselor, by the way. I set up a phone session for tomorrow.”
“Good. I’m glad to hear it.”
A microphone squealed, then Rose said into it, “If everyone would please take their seats. The show’s about to begin.”
Brody followed Colby to an empty spot on the second pew.
The chapel lights were dimmed, making the hundreds of candles and twinkling white lights all the more magical. In a setting like this, Brody almost believed anything could happen—even the impossible like Lilianna finally being his girl. But she wasn’t a girl and he wasn’t a boy and there was so much baggage between them. More than either could comfortably carry.
“Whew… I’m glad we made it in time.” His mom slipped into the pew beside him. Her familiar black wool coat was dotted with melting snow. “It’s really coming down.”
“Glad to see you.” His father took his seat just as the stage curtains parted on the live nativity scene with Donny, dressed in swaddling clothes, lying in a straw-filled manger. A couple of goats joined the shepherds and wise men. A good-natured llama served as a camel, clearly on his best behavior until snatching a mouthful of straw from the manger.
The audience shared a laugh while a teen girl Brody didn’t recognize told the Christmas story. All this time Brody had forced himself to stay away from Kodiak Gorge, but only just now did he realize how much of a mistake that had been. His counselor used to talk a lot about living in the present. How many precious seconds, minutes, hours and days had Brody frittered away due to unfounded fear?
Fear of friends and family rejecting him, blaming him for what happened to Brandon. Fear of Lilianna wanting nothing to do with him. Most of all, fear that he might never again regain control of his emotions enough to feel normal. But maybe he could? Maybe Colby and Tanner were right, and Brody did belong with Lilianna—that he always had. Not that for a minute he’d wished for his brother’s passing, but Colby was right in the fact that Brody had loved her longest.
She sat on the front pew. Even from behind he knew her, the way she cocked her head slightly to the left when laughing. The way she used the backs of her hands to blot tears when she didn’t want anyone to see her crying.
More than anything, he wished he was the one sitting beside her, holding her hand, watching Baby Donny in his stage debut.
After the pageant, maybe he’d talk to her about how he really felt—not that he was ready to jump into anything permanent or that she may not be ready for. But that he cared for her more than he’d ever admitted even to himself. She was a part of him—had always been part of him ever since they’d been kids.
A huge part of why he’d joined the Navy—make that the only part—was to escape the daily hurt of seeing her hugging Brandon, kissing him, flirting with him, making him the epicenter of her universe when Brody had been the one who’d first made her his sun.
These feelings were wrong. He’d loved his twin. At the same time, he could no longer deny his truth. He loved Lilianna. Always had. Probably always would.
But that didn’t by a longshot mean she’d ever be his.
The real reason he’d run away for a year? Because not only had he harbored guilt for his twin having died on his watch, but because a tiny voice in his soul had whispered that Brandon’s death meant Brody might finally achieve his most cherished desire. How could he live with that? Knowing that in order to fully live his life, he’d needed his brother to die?
It was sick.
Brody squeezed his eyes shut tight. He was in the right place to talk to God, so he asked for his forbidden longing for his brother’s wife to go away. He opened his eyes to focus on her, and to realize he only wanted her more.
Squeezing his hands into fists, Brody fought the need for a drink. To punch something. To scale a thousand-foot cliff wall with his only safety line being held by fate.
The performance ended, and after the choir sang a few hymns, the same pastor who’d delivered Brandon’s eulogy now led the congregation in holiday prayer.
With the service officially over, his mother turned to him. “I’m so glad you came.”
“You told me to.” Brody crammed his hands in the pockets of the too-loose slacks of the only suit he owned. A black one he typically only wore to weddings and funerals.
“Lately,” she pursed her lips, “you haven’t exactly hung on my every word.”
“I said I was sorry.”
“We know,” his dad said. “All isn’t quite forgiven, but we’re working on it. How about we grab Lilianna and the baby and head for the lodge? I’ve been dying to try Nugget’s holiday prime rib special.” Nugget was the owner and head chef of the Kodiak Gorge Lodge. There were a couple of small B & B’s in town that catered to summer tourists, but Nugget’s was the only place that served out of town guests and locals year-round.
“Sounds good,” Brody lied. Swell. Nothing would serve as a bigger reminder of just how off-limits Lilianna truly was than watching her interact with his parents. “Since we rode together in her car with Donny’s safety seat, I’ll grab her and we’ll meet you there.”
“Looking forward to finally catching up,” his mom said with a smile and fierce hug. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you, too.” He kissed the top of her head.
With his parents gone, he made his way through the crowd, stopping to chat with the people he knew. Old Henry was still going strong, as were his cronies. It took a good fifteen minutes to
make his way to Lilianna, and once he had, she’d already slipped on her coat and had Donny bundled into his.
She saw him and smiled.
“Ready?” he asked, taking her elbow to lead her toward the door. “Mom and Dad are waiting for us at the lodge. You know Dad, his favorite part of the holidays is food.”
Her smiled faded.
And then Trace approached. “Ready? I’ve still got the extra safety seat for Donny, so we’re good taking my car.”
Why the hell would the suit have a spare infant seat for Brody’s nephew? Could Colby be right? Was Trace making a play for Lilianna?
“Where are you going?” Brody asked. “We’re having dinner with my parents. They’re waiting…”
“I’m sorry.” For a moment, she held her mouth open, looking between the two men as if torn and unsure what to say. But then she turned to Brody. “I forgot about a previous commitment. If you want, so your mom won’t be too disappointed, I’ll leave you with Donny and his gear. You can take him to dinner. You’ve had enough of a crash course in baby care that you should be able to handle most any crisis. Plus, the second you’re with your mom, she can take over.”
“But…”
She stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, then transferred her son to Brody’s arms. “Thanks. I won’t be out too late.”
Just like that, with the suit pressing his hand possessively to the small of her back, Brody watched Lilianna vanish into the crowd.
“What. The. Actual. Hell?” he asked his nephew, hugging him close. “Sorry—I know, I shouldn’t be teaching you my pottymouth habits, but even you have to realize how much this blows. Your mom shouldn’t be with a guy like him. She needs someone who gives her a challenge.”
Someone like me?
Ha. He was less of a challenge and more like a train wreck.
“Well, little man, hope you like prime rib with your breast milk? Looks like you’re my dinner date.”
He kissed the baby’s chubby cheek, breathed him in. How was it possible to love this kid so much when he hardly knew him? Was it a DNA thing? Because he and Brandon had once been so close? As had Brody and Lilianna? Whatever the cause, leaving the church with the infant in his arms, trudging through the dark night and snow toward his brother and sister-in-law’s Escalade, he felt an inexplicable bond with the child. One he swore that regardless of what happened with his nephew’s mom, Brody would forever keep.
Happy New Year, Baby Page 6