“I left it at your house this morning.” I waved my hand frantically trying to get him to stop speaking but it was too late. “Guess I wasn’t thinking about my phone after—”
“Delaney’s on the phone,” I all but shouted and pointed to my desk.
“Hey, big brother.” Delaney chuckled.
Jason stood stock-still. His body so tight I was afraid he was going to shatter if I breathed in his direction.
“Not a word to anyone,” he growled.
“Mums the word.”
“I’m serious, Delaney. I’ve kept your secret about Carter for the last eight years.”
“Take it easy. I told you I wouldn’t say anything and I won’t. You don’t need to threaten me. I get it.”
“Sorry. I know you do.” Jason relaxed a fraction now that he had his sister’s promise not to tell anyone he’d been at my house.
I can’t say him wanting to keep me a secret didn’t hurt, it did. I could understand why, but it still stung. Neither of us were doing anything wrong. We were both single adults and could spend time with anyone we wanted. Which meant it was me, specifically, he didn’t want anyone to know about. Maybe it was good timing, having the reminder we were nothing but friends who’d had sex. It didn’t matter how much chemistry there was between us, how the sparks ignited, how the sex had been wild and awe-inspiring. He didn’t now, and would never, see me as anything more than a quick and dirty fuck. Which I wasn’t opposed to, I just needed to keep my wits about me.
“Everything okay?” Jason asked his sister.
“I’m fine. You asked me to keep my ear to the ground so I poked around a little.”
“Delaney! I didn’t ask you to poke around.”
“Sheesh. I know you didn’t. But I was thinking about something. Last year a new science teacher transferred to Parkside. The science club’s numbers went up a little last year, but this year they’ve almost doubled.”
“Okay. So she’s a good teacher? Aren’t schools really pushing STEM now?”
“He. The teacher is a man. He’s my age and good looking. Maybe it’s nothing and the girls are joining the club because they want to flirt with him. I looked at his schedule, and he teaches AP Chem.”
“Was Nessa in his class?”
“No, only juniors and seniors, but there’s a Jeff White in his AP Chem class. And Nessa and Jeff are both in the science club. I checked the calendar and twice a week they meet at lunch and every other week after school for two hours.”
“What’s his name?” I asked.
“Derek Lowe. Do you want—”
“No. I don’t want you to do anything more. As a matter of fact, stay away from him until we run him.”
“Fine. But you know I can help you.”
“You will be helping by staying out of it. I can’t concentrate on my job if I’m worried about you.”
“Are you coming to Sunday dinner?”
“Delaney—”
“You should bring Mercy. Just saying. Love you, big brother, have to run. Talk to you later.” Delaney had spoken so quickly her words had run together. She also, smartly, hung up before Jason could scold her about mentioning dinner—again.
“I’m so sorry,” I started. “I should’ve started with, she was on the phone.”
“It’s fine. She won’t say anything. She has a secret the size of Hiroshima she doesn’t want getting out.”
Bam—direct hit. He didn’t say he didn’t care if she told his family, just that he had enough blackmail material to keep her quiet.
“Who’s Carter?”
“The man she’s been in love with since she was old enough to recognize the emotion.”
“And . . . that’s a big secret because?”
Jason settled into the chair in front of me and stretched out his long legs. “Because we grew up with him. My dad has three best friends, they were in the Army together, and when they retired the four of them went into the security contracting business. Anyway, Clark, Lenox, and Levi are their names. They may not be our blood, but we’ve always called them “uncle.” We grew up with their kids, and when I say grew up, I mean, we’re a close family. We did everything together. It was like each of us had four sets of parents and ten siblings. Carter Lenox is my Uncle Lenox and Aunt Lily’s oldest son.”
“But not really your aunt and uncle so Delaney and Carter are not really cousins?”
“Correct. Carter is hung up on a few things. He’s three years older than her, he doesn’t think the family will approve, and his job is dangerous.”
“Does he know how she feels?”
“The two of them have been sneaking around since she was seventeen and Carter came home on leave from the Naval Academy.”
“So he was twenty?”
“And now you see the issue. It took a lot not to kick his ass after I found out. Delaney’s my sister and Carter’s one of my closest friends. The only thing that stopped me was he was begging me for the beating. He rambled on about how much he loved her, how it was wrong, how he deserved for me to hurt him. He was a wreck. In the end, I couldn’t touch him. I feel sorry for him. He loves my sister more than anything in this world but he won’t be with her.”
“Wow, that’s really sad. So that’s it? They love each other from a distance.”
“Pretty much. He’s in the Navy, when he comes into town, they hook up, he leaves, my sister crumbles, and waits for the next visit.”
“What the fuck? She needs to kick his ass to the curb. Delaney is gorgeous and should not be waiting around for any man.”
Jason’s deep rumbling laughter filled my office and I didn’t know what was funny but I was enjoying the sound. I needed to savor every laugh, every smile, every minute I had with him. Something in the back of my mind told me this was only temporary and it would be gone soon. I needed to soak up and enjoy everything I could, because when he was gone it was going to hurt like a bitch.
“Damn, I love it when you get fierce and protective. Normally, I would agree with you. But Delaney is not the only one who’s left devastated. His team nicknamed him monk. Never, not once, has he taken a woman while he’s been away from Delaney. And they are not together. No promises have been made and no claims to be faithful. My sister’s it for him, there will never be anyone else. All they need to do is work their shit out, but I don’t see that happening for a while. Something earth-shattering would have to happen before Carter Lenox pulls his head out of his ass. He is as stubborn as they come.”
“Oh, so, it’s a family trait,” I muttered.
“What?”
“Nothing. Bruce sent us an email . . .”
I steered the conversation to work, not wanting to think about poor Delaney’s love life. I seemed to be in the same situation she was in, minus the love, and the life-long friends part. It seemed we both wanted men we couldn’t have. Maybe I hadn’t gotten over my need to fix people as much as I thought I had. Red lights were flashing and sirens were blaring, warning me to pull back. But I knew the next time Jason came to me, I’d welcome him.
13
I’d been tossing my phone back and forth in my hands for the last thirty minutes. Dreading the call I needed to make. It was long overdue, and I was going to catch shit for it.
Man the fuck up, Walker.
I dialed the number I knew by heart, and it rang twice before the call connected.
“Hey, Bud, how’s it goin’?”
“Hey, Dad.”
Suddenly I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. That’s not true. I knew, I just didn’t know how to say it.
“Delaney said she saw you the other day. Something about a case you’re working on spilling over into her school. Anything we should know?”
“One of her students OD’d. The investigation actually started at Polytech. We caught word they have a pharma issue over there. Local PD put together a task force and asked for our help. Seems we’ve stepped into something else.”
“Not your usual assignment,” he noted.
“Not even a little bit. A DI agent asked me to work the case with Diversion Control.”
“Mercy James?”
Shit, goddamn, of course my dad would know. All it would’ve taken was Delaney telling him I’d shown up with Mercy, and my dad would have had all the intel on her within minutes.
“Yep. How far did you dig?”
The answering chuckle told me I was right. I should be offended or at least annoyed, but I knew why my dad did it. His time as Army Special Forces left him mostly distrusting.
“Not as far as I go with your sisters. Shame what happened to her dad and brother.”
“Hate to tell you, Pop, but you looked up the wrong Mercy James. She doesn’t have a brother.”
I remembered the conversation. The first time we’d exchanged anything personal, I’d asked her if she had any siblings after I’d told her about my sisters. She’d said no, then went on to tell me her mom had died. I still couldn’t wrap my head around what it would’ve been like to grow up without a mother. My mom was such an important part of my family, we’d be lost if we didn’t have her.
“She may not have a brother now, but she did. He died at eighteen, drug overdose. A few years later her dad, Officer Paul James, died in the line of duty. Ironically, he worked on the guns and drugs task force. Good cop according to his sheet.”
“She fucking lied to me.”
“Come again?”
“I told her about Delaney, Quinn, Hadley, and Adalynn. When I asked her if she had any siblings, she said no.”
“Son, you should understand that sometimes—”
“No, Dad, she told me about her mom dying in childbirth. Told me her dad was a cop. She even compared herself to Quinn. But she never mentioned a brother or her father dying. She told me he’d been strict, didn’t want her going into law enforcement, and he never got over his wife’s death.”
A few things occurred to me after I’d repeated the conversation back to my dad. Was Mercy comparing me to her father? She’d said he was lonely, didn’t date, never remarried, and couldn’t get over her mom dying. Is that what she thought about me? I couldn’t get over my wife’s death? She thought I was some lonely sap? I also couldn’t believe she’d lied to me. Flat out didn’t tell me the truth.
“I gotta go.”
“Jason! Bud, I’m gonna caution you from going to her and saying something you’ll regret.”
“What makes you think I’ll regret it? I talked to her about Quinn. I told her about my sisters. Personal—”
“Son, telling a woman about your sisters is not personal. It is a normal friendly conversation. And I know you’ll regret anything you say in anger—because you’re angry.”
“That makes no fucking sense.”
“When was the last time you cared about anything enough to get angry?” Well, fuck. Nothing slipped by Jasper Walker. I shouldn’t have called him. He was too perceptive. I never could hide anything from my dad. “Right. Now when was the last time you cared enough about a woman or what she did or didn’t say to get angry?”
“It’s not like that.”
Or was it? Shit, I didn’t know what it was like.
“I’m not asking what anything is like. I’m pleased as fuck you’re feeling something, even if it’s anger. Because, Bud, I gotta tell you, you numb is excruciating to watch. All I’m saying is check yourself before you put Mercy on blast. She may have her reasons for not wanting to talk about her brother and dad, the same way you don’t want to talk about Kayla.”
“Yeah, all right.”
“You’re not gonna listen to me, are you?”
“I listened, I just don’t know if I can take your advice.”
“Your mom would like to see you. If you don’t want to come to Sunday dinner, I suggest you call her and make arrangements for another night of the week. You should do that soon. And you should also consider having Mercy sitting next to your ass at your mom’s table one night soon, too.”
“It really isn’t like that. It’s not a bring home to meet the family situation.” I cringed saying the words out loud. What kind of prick was I to admit that to my dad? Mercy was not some bar pickup. I had no right treating her like she was.
“Once upon a time I knew a young man that was dumb enough to think the same thing. Unfortunately or fortunately for you, depending on how you look at it, there is nothing you can tell me that I haven’t walked through. Think back over your life, and what you know about me, your mom, and how we started. Then you think on your life and how we’ve walked the same path. Reach out, Bud, that’s all you need to do. We’re waiting.”
“I miss the good old days. When I was a kid and all there was to worry about was whether Delaney was going to go into my room and mess up my video games.”
Damn, life was easy then. I’d damn near give anything to go back there.
“Son, these are the good old days. Today, right now. You’re wasting them. It’s time to wake the fuck up and start living. You’re still alive, start acting like it.”
With that sucker punch to the gut, my dad disconnected. He was right, I was alive, I just didn’t know how to start living again.
Within minutes, I was in my car on the way to Mercy’s house. A smarter man would’ve heeded my dad’s advice and cooled off first. But no one had ever accused me of being smart, then there was the fact that Mercy drove me to stupidity. I lost my mind when I thought about her. Completely and totally dumb when it came to her.
I pulled into her driveway and hoped she wasn’t home. Now that I was there, I knew it was a bad idea but I couldn’t stop myself from stomping to the door and knocking. When she answered with a smile, I pushed my way past her and, without so much as a hello, started in, and I was brutal.
“So, why don’t we start with your brother and dad, then we’ll talk about why you lied to me.”
I watched in morbid fascination as her face went from sheet white to bright red.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. Your brother and your dad?”
“What about them?” she growled.
Yeah, she was pissed now, but I was furious so we were almost even.
“I thought you said you didn’t have any siblings?”
“I don’t, he’s dead.”
“Why didn’t you just say that?”
“Oh, I don’t know, let me think. That’s right, because when you asked, you were giving me whiplash with your hot and cold shit. Kinda like you are now. Need another reason? It’s probably the same reason why you don’t talk about Kayla.”
“What about her? There’s nothing to tell.”
“There’s plenty to tell but you keep it locked up so tight I don’t think you know where you’ve hidden the key.”
“I married Kayla when I was twenty-one. She was twenty-three the first time she got cancer. She beat it the first time. It came back when she was twenty-eight and that time it was more aggressive, and she decided she didn’t want to go through treatment again. She was dead in six months. That’s it. End of story.”
Cancer. Six goddamn letters that had blown my life up. It was easier to say the words in anger. Easier to spit out the facts when there were no other emotions involved, when I could keep the crushing pain of her death pushed down deep.
“How’d you feel about her refusing treatment the second time?”
“Doesn’t matter what I felt. It was her decision.”
“I didn’t ask that. I asked how you felt about it.”
“I fucking hated it. I was furious with her. I wanted her to try again, and she flat out refused!” I yelled. My hands scrubbed over my face. This was a bad idea. “I can’t do this.”
“Can’t or won’t?” she pushed.
“You have no idea—”
“I don’t? My older brother got involved in drugs when we were in high school, he was a senior. My dad was on an overnight shift, and my brother stumbled in around four a.m. and woke me up. I went into the living room to find him convulsing
. I called nine-one-one but he was dead before they arrived. Tox came back, he had enough tranquilizers in his system to take down a fucking moose. My dad shut down even more after that. He was reckless at work and was hellbent on finding those responsible for selling my brother the drugs. It took almost four years but when there was a string of deaths in the area all with the same cocktail of drugs my brother died from, he went in to make the bust. He knew going in he wasn’t coming home and he went in anyway. I was twenty, and my dad made the decision to leave me an orphan. So, Jason, you see, I understand. The difference is, you wake up every morning and decide to let the past dictate your future. I wake up and I’m thrilled for a new day.”
“She was divorcing me!” I bellowed. “Before she got the second diagnosis. She had the separation agreement drawn up and had signed it. Every fucking morning, I look at her pretty, flowing signature on that paper and think, even her damn name looked happy to be leaving me.”
“Why in the hell do you still have those papers? And why would you look at them?”
“To remind me what a bad husband I was.”
“Throw them away, Jason.”
It wouldn’t matter if I did, I had the agreement memorized. I knew every detail she’d had typed up. It was an easy separation. A no fault divorce with no support. She wanted nothing from me. Just a fresh start and the opportunity to be happy.
“You know the worst part? The part that’s unforgivable?”
“I don’t think anything you could’ve done was unforgiveable.”
She had no idea what a dick I was. How many times had I sat next to my sick wife and beat myself up for not being a better man? The type of man she deserved by her side.
“I didn’t love her,” I rushed out. I’d never admitted that to anyone but Kayla. The words tasted like shit as I said them, and I was afraid I was going to choke on the guilt and pain. “Not the way a man is supposed to love his wife. We had three good years together. Then she got sick.”
“Jason—”
How the fuck had me coming over here turned into this? All I wanted to know was why she’d lied to me and there I was spilling my fucking guts about stuff I didn’t want to talk about, didn’t want to think about.
Finding Mercy: The Next Generation Page 6