“So there you have it. You know everything. We were roommates. Nothing more. We didn’t have sex, we didn’t kiss. We shared a platonic bed. She died in my arms making me promise I’d move on and find someone to love. How in the fuck am I supposed to do that when she never got to find a real man to love her the way she needed to be loved? She never found passion, or soul deep hunger. All she got was me.”
I’d laid my shit bare, opened a vein and was hemorrhaging. Everything I’d never wanted to admit lingered in the air, threatening to suffocate me. She deserved more, hell, both of them did. Mercy and Kayla. I’d ruined Kayla’s life but I wouldn’t let myself ruin Mercy’s.
“I need to leave.”
14
“Don’t you dare walk out on me, Jason.”
His chest was heaving like he’d run a marathon, sucking all the oxygen out of the room. There was so much information to process, and I wasn’t sure how he’d found out about my dad and PJ, but all of that could wait. But Jason couldn’t. Not when he looked like he was ready to crawl out of his skin.
“Why the hell would you want me to stay? Didn’t you hear me?”
“I did. Heard every word.”
Knowing he and Kayla were separating before her cancer came back shone a new light on the situation. I now understood where his guilt came from. Something I could never understand before. It wasn’t his fault she got sick, and certainly not his fault when she didn’t want treatment. I didn’t blame her for not wanting to spend the last months she had left going to doctors’ visits and sick as a dog. I wouldn’t either, not that I would tell him that right now.
“I need to leave.”
“No. You need to come lie down with me.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. You need to calm down before you decide to drive anywhere.”
“I’m fine. I shouldn’t have come here.”
He started for the door, but I darted across the room and got there faster.
“You’re not leaving while you’re upset. No way.” With eyes as big as saucers he reached for the door. “I’m not kidding.”
“And what, Mercy, you’re going to stop me?”
“Damn right, I am.”
We stood staring at each other in the world’s longest Mexican standoff. Some crazy arcs of electricity zapped between us. He was pissed. I was pissed. Emotions were high, and he looked crazy sexy.
“I need you to stay.”
“I can’t. Not the way I’m feeling. I have to leave.”
We were back to watching one another. Silently waiting for the other to break. I wasn’t moving from in front of the door, and he wanted out. If I hadn’t known what it had taken for Jason to share what he did, and he wasn’t looking at me like I was his last hope for survival, I would’ve moved. But I did and he was. There was no mistaking the hunger swirling in his eyes.
“I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop if I stay,” he damn near whispered. “And I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t want you to stop.”
“You don’t get it. I’m falling for you. I think about you all the damn time. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted a woman. I want you to feel the depth of my pain and guilt. I want you to take it and understand it. I want you to fucking see me. This me, the broken man, and still want me just as badly as I want you. I want everything, but I have nothing to give you in return. I’ll wreck you. And, one day, when you look at me with devastation marring your beautiful face, you’ll hate me for what I’ve done to your life.”
“I won’t let you. You’ll never have the power to destroy me.”
“But I want that power, Mercy. I want you to fall in love with me. I don’t want to be alone in what I feel for you.”
Christ Almighty, he was killing me. I wanted to believe what he was telling me but I was afraid. He was emotional and had just unloaded a heavy burden.
“You won’t be alone. I’ll give you everything you need. All of what you want. But you need to understand, no one will ever have the power to crush me. It won’t matter how much I love you, how badly I want you. You have to know, at the end of the day, if you leave me, I will push through it. And that does not mean I won’t give myself to you completely. Because I will.”
“I’m fucked up, Mercy.”
“Aren’t we all?”
Some of the hurt had crept out of his eyes, but none of the need or lust had waned. When he looked at me like I was the next meal he wanted to devour, I felt strong and brave and wanted. I would give him everything I had to give but I’d promised myself a long time ago that no matter what happened in my life I would never break. Not when PJ died, not when my dad left me, not when I had to power through shit at work. I was stronger than that.
“Take what you need, Jason.”
“I can’t. I’m too afraid to touch you.”
“Take. It.”
“I can’t be gentle.”
“I don’t want gentle. Gentle is not us. I want you to rip my clothes from my body and take what you need. Because whatever it is you take, will be exactly what I want to give.”
It didn’t take Jason but a moment to have my clothes in a heap on the floor and his soon followed. And true to what he’d said he hadn’t been gentle. He lifted me up, carried me to my bedroom, deposited me on the bed, and loomed over me, looking unsure.
“Take it, Jason.” His arms trembled, and his breathing was labored. He began to shake his head, and I made the decision for us. “Fine. I’ll take it.”
I bucked my hips, forcing him to his back, and rolled on top of him. I didn’t waste anytime, not when I knew what I wanted and what he needed to calm his mind. I took his long, thick dick in my hand and stroked his already erect shaft. His hips flexed, and he thrusted up into my hand.
“Harder, Mercy.”
I tightened my grip and pumped faster, using my other hand I reached down and cupped his balls and rolled them. His eyes closed, and his back arched.
“Jesus!”
Pre-come was leaking and if it wasn’t physically impossible for me to reach, I would’ve licked the salty fluid. I wanted to know what he tasted like, what he felt like in my mouth. Another time. Right now, I needed Jason on the brink. I needed him only thinking about us, and how good my hands felt.
“Enough. Fuck me.”
I lined the tip of his dick up and slammed down.
“Good God!”
He could say that again. He stretched me to full. My nails scratched his stomach as my hands made their way up to his chest. His moans spurred me on, I leaned forward to lick around his tiny nipple before I nipped it and moved to the other side. His hands moved from my hips to my ass, once he had a handful, he squeezed, helping me glide up and down.
“Harder, Mercy,” he growled. I lost one of his hands for a second before it landed with a sharp smack.
Holy fuck, that felt good. I’d never been spanked, never thought I wanted to be spanked, but the sting of his slap had turned to heat and it shot straight to my pussy.
Jason’s mouth was sucking and biting everywhere he could reach, my nipple felt raw, and my neck was sensitive from where he’d nipped. Every part of me tingled with excitement, with an overwhelming energy that threatened to explode.
“God damn, I can’t get enough of you. I want to touch you everywhere at once.” His hands were moving up and down my back and mine dove into his hair. “I’m gonna come, Mercy.”
I was so close, even if he went before me, if wouldn’t matter, I’d still be able to get myself off. I rocked harder, grinding down, making sure I put friction on my clit, and tried to catch up.
“So fucking pretty. I don’t know what to do with you, Mercy. I can’t let you go. Even if it’s the right thing, baby. I’m so damn sorry, but I can’t.” His ass tightened, thrusting up, going deeper, then he froze. “So fucking good.”
He groaned his orgasm, closing his eyes with his head tipped back, it looked painful. I wanted to watch the rest of the show but I couldn’t
focus as pleasure wracked my body, and I shook with the force of the explosion. Jason moved my hips and urged me on. I heard the words but couldn’t process what he was saying.
I was spent.
Done.
Emotionally and physically exhausted.
I collapsed on his chest and listened to his heart race as I tried to catch my breath. I’d never had make up sex, or angry sex, or really any sex that involved any sort of high emotional conflict. I had to say, it was good, really good. The next time Jason pulled his Dr. Hot-stuff and Mr. Frost routine I knew how I was going to mediate the issue. It was much better than arguing, and highly pleasurable.
“You okay?” He kissed the top of my head and slowed his hands on my back.
“I’m perfect.”
“I didn’t hurt you?”
Good night, he was too much. Rough and dirty sex god while we were doing the deed and gentle concerned lover when we were done.
“You mean the spanking?”
“Yeah.”
“I hope you add that to your repertoire for the future.”
“What?”
On a sigh I sat up so he could see me. “Please listen to me. You’re not going to hurt me. In case you’ve missed it, I like rough sex. Or, more to the point, I like when you are rough during sex. I like it when you pull my hair. I like hearing you get dirty. I really loved when you spanked me. It shocked the hell out me, but I want you to do it again. I want you to try and do whatever feels natural and good to you. I want the real you, the raw you, not the polite Jason you give the world. I have a feeling you don’t show this side of you often.”
“I’ve never shown this side of me to anyone.”
“No one?” I eyed him skeptically.
“You sure you wanna know this?”
“Yeah. I wanna know anything you wanna share.”
“Right now? While my dick is still inside of you?” His lips twitched into a grin.
Okay, maybe he had a point. I rolled to the side, both of us groaning when I pulled off of his softening dick. I cuddled close to his side, one arm going around his middle, my leg tangling with his.
“All right, I’m ready.”
“You sure?”
“I said I was.”
Jason took a deep breath and started. “When I started going out with Kayla, I’d only been with one other girl and I was her first. When we were in college, we both agreed we needed to slow our relationship down and take a break. She’d never really dated. I didn’t want her to wonder if she’d missed out or was settling. During our time apart, she went out with a few guys, and I was with a few girls. We were not together. She didn’t cheat on me, and I didn’t cheat on her. Everything was on the up and up and honest. Thinking back, that should’ve been my first clue.
“Kayla was my best friend, we told each other everything. I knew about the other guys. At the time, I wasn’t jealous she’d been with someone else. I thought I was being mature by letting her see what else was out there. Now I know better. Another man touching her should’ve made me see red, I should’ve been jealous someone else was kissing her, but I wasn’t. So that is the long way of me telling you I’ve only been with a handful of women. Kayla being the longest. She was sweet, and kind, and soft-spoken. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m telling you this.” He stopped and fidgeted for a moment before he continued, “And that was the way our lovemaking was. I’m not complaining, or saying I didn’t enjoy the time we had together. But it was always gentle, one position. Never in the shower, or against a wall, or bent over a bed. It wasn’t rough and raw. I always held a part of myself back because I knew she needed something else from me.”
Well, hearing that wasn’t pleasant, but neither was it terrible. I could never compete with the ghost of Kayla, nor did I want to. I was me, there was no changing the way I was. I may have been a lot of things, but soft-hearted and gentle were not two of them. I also didn’t want Jason to ever hold anything back from me, not even the uncomfortable talks about his sex life before me.
“And with the other girls? Did you ever let yourself go with them?”
“No. For one, I’ve never trusted anyone enough to allow myself to be real. But I think the biggest thing is, what I feel for you goes beyond wanting to rip your clothes off and get inside of you as quickly as possible. It’s more than physically needing you. I want the connection. No, I need it. I can’t explain it but when we come together there is this whole other part of me that snaps. I want to consume you, steal your breath, seal you to me, get lost in you. It scares the shit out of me. You quiet all the crazy shit running through my head. You turn me into this wild beast that wants to claim and protect. And, for the record, thinking about another man touching you makes me want to commit murder. When Bruce asked you to lunch, I wanted to kick his ass for even looking at you. I’ve never been jealous, not once in my entire life have I been possessive.”
“I’m glad you trust me.” I kissed his chest and sat up. “I want you to know I feel it, too. The connection. The power and soul-deep need when we come together. I don’t ever want you to hold out on me. I want all of you, even the scarred and angry parts. Earlier you said you were scared, you’d wanted me to feel your pain and guilt. I want to take those from you, but the only way that happens is if you stop running from what we have.”
“I’m not running, Mercy. I’m here, I’ve told you more than I have anyone else in my life. No one knows we were getting divorced. Once Kayla got sick again, we decided . . .”
“There was no point.”
Damn, that was tough. I couldn’t imagine going through what he and Kayla had been through. I didn’t know what else to say to him, and he didn’t look like he wanted to share anymore.
“Thank you for talking to me. For giving me the gift of your trust and honesty. I’ll never take it for granted or abuse it.” He nodded and closed his eyes. “You staying the night?”
“Yes.”
“Flip the light off, would ya?”
He reached over to the nightstand, plunging us into darkness, then he gathered me in his arms and held me tight. Surrounded by the warmth of the bond we were forging, I closed my eyes.
“I’m falling in love with you, Mercy.”
“I’ll catch you if you promise to catch me.”
“I’m fucking terrified.”
“So am I.”
I knitted our fingers together and settled our joined hands over his heart. The longer I lay there awake, the more I realized. I talked a big game, thought I was tough, and had my life wrapped up so no one could hurt me. But I was wrong. Maybe I’d never truly loved anyone before. Because, as the minutes ticked by, the more I’d come to understand he could destroy me. And, damn, if that wasn’t frightening.
15
Waking up with a naked Mercy pressed against me was my new favorite way to wake up. I hadn’t slept at my house in days. I only went there in the mornings to change for work. Hell, at that point, I never wanted to go back to that house. It felt like a tomb rather than a home anyway. A place where I’d stayed to punish myself for my failures. While inside those four walls I couldn’t forget what I’d done. But here in Mercy’s house, in her bed, I could breathe. Here, with her wrapped in my arms I wanted to live again. I wanted to let go of the guilt and be the man who would make her happy.
“Morning, baby,” she muttered, pressing her ass against my lengthening dick.
That was something else I loved about waking up next to her; first thing in the morning she was hot for anything I wanted to give her. When she’d woken up yesterday, and before she could roll on top of me, which was her favorite way to wake up, I’d slid between her legs and ate her until she was screaming. And when she returned the favor and sucked me off, I lasted all of two minutes and didn’t give the first fuck I couldn’t hold back. The second she’d licked around the head of my dick I was ready to come. And when her lips wrapped around my erection and slid down my shaft, swallowing me whole, I was a goner. Her mouth was only second to he
r pussy. Everything about her turned me on and had me ready to shoot off. It was a miracle I could hold off long enough to make it good for her.
She hadn’t been kidding when she’d told me she liked it when I spanked her. I still wasn’t sure where the impulse came from, because I sure as shit had never smacked anyone else’s ass before, but when her firm bottom came into view all I wanted to do was pinken it. Thank God, she loved it. And by loved it, I mean she went fucking wild when I slapped her ass while taking her from behind. She bucked back, moaned, and came so damn hard I thought she’d snap my dick. Pure perfection. All of it. The sex could not be better.
However, it was more than that. More than simply wild abandon between the sheets. Anytime I was around her I was happy. Me, Jason Walker, the asshole who’d been living in a self-imposed hell, was happy. And when I wasn’t with her, I wanted to be. I wanted to hear her voice, see her pretty face, feel her larger than life presence. She was so honest, it was refreshing. She didn’t care if she called me out on my shit. If I started to get quiet, she told me to snap out of it. Everything about Mercy screamed—life.
“Morning, Mercy.”
“It’s Saturday.”
“It is,” I confirmed.
“We don’t have to get out of bed.” Her ass wiggled again. “Have any ideas?”
“Oh, yeah. Spread your legs for me.” She was on her side facing away from me, the best she could do was drape her leg over mine, which gave me minimal room, but enough to play. “Wet already,” I noted.
“I was dreaming about you.”
I pumped my fingers in and out, loving how she rocked with the motion.
“Tell me about it.”
I bit down on her shoulder, she moaned, and our telephones started ringing.
“This better be good,” I complained, pulling my hand free.
I rolled to the nightstand and grabbed the phone.
Finding Mercy: The Next Generation Page 7