Any one event, at any particular point in time, for each individual, can include a whole range of emotions, including but not limited to:
What is the person you care about actually feeling? Even if you’ve been through something similar, you don’t really know until you ask. But we know asking can be hard. Here are some places to start.
TRY ASKING “HOW ARE YOU?”
This sounds so basic, but in practice, many of us struggle with asking someone how they are doing. Depending on your relationship, you may feel unsure about how close you need to be with a person to ask how they’re doing. Human nature is fickle, and you’ll have to rely on your gut instinct, which, if you’re scared of conversations like these, will likely tell you not to pry. As you get more practiced at this, your judgment about whether to ask will improve and you’ll feel comfortable asking more often. Just remember:
NO ONE DIES FROM BEING ASKED “HOW ARE YOU?”
It can be scary to ask, but it’s also true that no one has been critically injured by the question “How are you?” Most people—even those who don’t care to respond with an honest answer—will appreciate it. “How are you?” is literally the most basic of follow-up questions, because it (1) acknowledges that you remember and care about what’s going on, yet (2) doesn’t require a long commitment to a conversation if a grieving person doesn’t want to give it.
Take note of what one woman told us about her colleague’s response to the loss of her mother:
“After I returned to work, no one ever spoke of what had happened. That was fine from people I didn’t work closely with, but even though I understood it was probably just awkward, it was still hurtful from people I had considered friends.”
WHEN TO AVOID “HOW ARE YOU?”
“How are you?” is a great way to open up a conversation, but there are times when it’s a pretty safe bet that asking how somebody is will drive them crazy. This is especially true when the person you are asking is clearly distraught, or in the first few days or weeks of a significant tragedy and still in crisis. Asking the question in these times might seem to suggest that a person could be feeling any other way than horrible, and that’s not very comforting to someone in distress.
IF SOMEONE’S WIFE JUST DIED, OR THEY WERE JUST DIAGNOSED WITH A BRAIN TUMOR, AND YOU ASK THEM “HOW ARE YOU DOING?,” THEY MAY WELL REPLY WITH SOME VERSION OF “HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I’M DOING?”
WHICH, IN ALL HONESTY, IS A FAIR RESPONSE.
One man told Kelsey the story of his sister-in-law, who lost her baby to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). In the days after the tragedy, with the entire family at home with her, his sister-in-law put a sign on her door about things to do and not do. What was the first item on the list? “Don’t ask us ‘How we are.’” Sometimes, especially in the initial days of a major trauma, the answer to that question is just too painfully obvious.
HOW HARD TO PRESS?
When someone is in pain, we can ask ourselves, How hard should I press for an honest answer? The good news is you don’t need a psych degree to get people to open up. Everyone deals with trauma in their own way, and some people just don’t like to talk about their feelings. Moreover, who knows what else might be happening in someone’s life? Your friend might be sick of answering questions or just not feeling well or simply exhausted. An answer of “fine” is probably not about you, so don’t take it personally.
But here’s another strong reason someone might not open up: they might not believe you want the real story. A woman who had a miscarriage told Kelsey: “My close family didn’t bring up the loss unless I did. It would have helped me to talk about it openly if they had asked more questions and checked in more directly to see how I was feeling.”
Once you feel good about the intention of asking “How are you?,” here are a couple of things you can say that convey your true interest in hearing a person open up (but without being pushy):
1.“WHAT’S THAT LIKE FOR YOU?” OR “HOW’S THAT GOING FOR YOU?”
Practice this regularly. “What’s that like for you?” is a great question in lieu of “How are you?” because it gives people even wider latitude for responding. That’s because it could be that the person in need is obsessing over their health insurance, or attorney fees, or even about finding a moment of peace, rather than their deepest feelings.
2.“HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”
Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and author of Lean In, shared in a Facebook post examples of human connection during her immediate time of grief after the sudden loss of her husband. She wrote, “Even a simple ‘How are you?’—almost always asked with the best of intentions—is better replaced with ‘How are you, today?’ . . . [because] the person knows that the best I can do right now is to get through each day.”
Adding the word today to your question acknowledges that:
•Overall, you understand the person’s life is difficult, and you’re not expecting to hear a pat answer that everything is fine. That there are good days and bad days (okay, good hours and bad hours).
•It turns an overwhelming question—“How am I doing with my cancer diagnosis and life overall?”—into a totally manageable one—“How am I feeling today?”
HOW DO I BRING IT UP LATER, WITHOUT MAKING IT WEIRD?
When encountering someone several months or more after their difficulty, a variant of asking about “today” is asking “How are you feeling now?” Asking about “now” allows someone to express feelings and even perspectives about their loss that can be quite different from those experienced at the initial time of loss.
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
Let’s imagine you run into Hope—a friend you haven’t seen for two years—at the mall and ask her generally:
How are you?
Fine, thanks. I don’t know if you heard that I finished treatment for breast cancer a year ago.
You have three options for a response:
1.“I am so sorry” (making Hope feel pitied for a condition that may not bother her as much as it once did).
2.Pretend like you didn’t hear her and say, “And what else is new?”
3.Ask: “How are you doing with your diagnosis, now?”
You may think that asking someone how they are doing about their situation will add an extra hour to the conversation, time that maybe you don’t have. But what you will find instead is that it probably just adds on an extra fifteen to twenty seconds. And we think that time is well worth what you get back in a moment of real dialogue. Besides, if the person mentioned it in the first place, they won’t mind you asking, and probably even want to talk about it.
WHEN IT’S BEEN A WHILE WITH ALMOST ANY KIND OF TRANSITION, FEEL FREE TO ASK, “HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH IT, NOW?”
IT’S ABOUT CURIOSITY
Asking “How are you?” is less about the three words you’re asking and much more about showing a genuine interest in how someone else is feeling and what they are thinking. And many times, that may mean that what’s required is not the exact words How are you? but something more specific that still gets you at the heart of what the person you are supporting thinks and feels (and not you.) See what we mean with this example:
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
I am struggling with telling John that I want a divorce.
Oh, I know just how you feel. When I told my ex-husband about wanting a divorce, I was afraid he’d leave me bankrupt.
Let’s break this down: In fact, Jennie is struggling to tell John because he has been depressed for several years, and she doesn’t want this divorce to push him over the edge. Now, Jennie doesn’t know whether to tell Lisa this, or whether to let Lisa’s (false) impression of the situation persist.
Let’s try this again:
I am struggling with telling John that I want a divorce.
What’s the struggle about? [Here, Lisa is convinced that finances are the source of the problem, but she resists sharing her theory and instead asks Jennie what the struggle is about. This is a very
specific form of “How are you?” that involves asking a follow-up question to information that was already provided.]
Well, to be honest, he’s been in a bad place emotionally for a long time, and I’m afraid this news might push him over the edge.
This time around, Lisa may be surprised by Jennie’s answer, but she gets to hear and connect over Jennie’s true story.
Practice listening for clues into what someone is already telling you about how they feel, and simply follow that up with “What’s the [insert a version of the word the talker used] about?”
WAYS TO MAKE THE CONVERSATION SUPPORTIVE JUST SAY I’M SORRY.
When we do feel compassion for someone’s difficulty, and it seems to be a fair bet that that person is feeling like the situation they are in is pretty crappy, then a BIG start in the direction of reaching out with supportive kindness, and sometimes all we ever need to do, is to say the words: I’M SORRY.
When we are in the position of knowing someone’s sorrow, then trust that “I’m sorry” covers a lot more ground than you’d think. With just two words, you can elegantly suggest both concern and sympathy. If this “sorry” is delivered with compassion and not with pity, then it’s a validation of pain with no other agenda. And often, that acknowledgment of pain is all a suffering person needs.
Saying “I’m sorry” is so easy you probably don’t believe you can get away with it.
HOW COULD IT BE OKAY TO RESPOND TO SOMETHING AS HEAVY AS A DEATH WITH TWO WORDS?
Trust us: you actually can. Even if all you do is communicate “I’m sorry” in a card, or even on social media, with no follow-up questions or commentary, you are doing more than fine.
Sometimes, you might wonder if you have enough of a relationship to even say “I’m sorry.” The answer is yes, yes, yes. Always. Colleagues: yes. Neighbors: yes. Even that guy next to you on the plane who’s telling you he’s flying to a funeral. I’m sorry! Just say it. You’re acknowledging another human being’s pain. You don’t need an engraved invitation to entitle you to do that.
THEN THERE ARE TIMES TO NOT SAY “I’M SORRY.” (SORRY.)
Yes, this is another expression like “How are you doing?” It’s the best thing to say . . . sometimes. Life is fickle, and unfortunately, we don’t always know that saying “I’m sorry” is appropriate. If we have expressed our condolences to someone who says they are “just fine,” recoiling at our “pity,” it can make us feel embarrassed. It’s not a tremendous problem when it happens, but one way out of it is to go back to the principle that “you never really know how someone feels” and just ask a person how they’re doing with the experience.
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
This scene really happened to me with my friend and neighborhood butcher, Angela.
Hi, Angela, how’s it going?
Well, Josephine and I are getting divorced.
Wow, I am so sorry. That must be really difficult.
Here, Angela has a couple of options:
Say “That’s okay. I am actually quite happy about it.” (Which is what she did say in real life.)
(And in real life, I responded, awkwardly: “I am sorry I said I am sorry.”)
Or Angela can just say “Thanks” and not acknowledge how she really feels.
To help Angela describe her true feelings, instead of saying “I’m sorry” I could have asked something like “How’s that going for you?” and open myself up to actually listen.
Since embarking on this work, I have become a lot less quick to offer condolences, and a lot more ready to ask someone how they are feeling about their news. I’m often surprised at the answers. Friends who feel “optimistic” about a cancer diagnosis, or a person who is hopeful about their divorce. In many of these instances, I would have simply said “I’m sorry.” I now ask “What’s that like for you?” or variants like “How’s that going?” or “How do you feel about it?” If I intuit it’s not feeling good, I might say “That can be hard . . .” to give room to describe it that way if it is, but without presuming it’s hard for that particular person, who might say that for them it isn’t. Asking takes a couple of times of self-conscious effort, but once you see how easy it is, and how well it works for getting to hear other people’s experience, which is always far more interesting than what you imagined, you’ll begin to do it effortlessly.
HEY, LISTEN:
Sometimes responses to our condolence, like “Thanks, but I’m okay!” or “Why, you didn’t cause it!” can make us feel like we made a big empathy misstep and might also make us gun-shy about offering condolences in the future. If someone responds that they’re okay, that doesn’t actually mean they don’t appreciate the spirit of your condolence. It just means you opened up an opportunity for them to say how they’re really feeling about it, and they may very well appreciate that, even if they say they’re fine. If someone does seem hostile about your overture, that response is really about where they’re at emotionally with their situation and very likely has nothing to do with you.
ALLOW FOR SOME IRRATIONALITY.
When your friend’s life turns upside down, it’s not uncommon that they will act a little nuts. But what about someone going totally crazy? If you have a friend who is doing things that are truly dangerous (or potentially disastrous) to him- or herself or others, then definitely get some advice from other people, including professionals.
It’s important to know, however, the difference between something truly destructive and good old-fashioned irrational decision making. The latter is often a normal part of the pain process.
Responses like “You deserve it!” and “I’ll tell you when I’m worried about it” can be supportive in helping your friend feel entitled to a dose of exuberant self-care when she needs it.
A periodic check-in, or follow-up, does come in handy to see if someone’s “normal” irrational behavior is bordering on something to really worry about. If you’re at all concerned, don’t be afraid to seek the advice of other people who know what’s going on. Remember, you’re a kind and caring friend, not a trained professional (unless you really are).
“THIS HAPPENED TO ME, TOO.”
Bad times can make us feel alone and even ashamed. Knowing that someone we admire has gone through something similar can make us feel less alone; less like a singular, personal failure; and even hopeful that, like this person, we can survive this situation too.
Like we wrote about earlier in this chapter, however, remember: just because you have experienced the same thing as someone else does not mean you know how they feel. People don’t need you to share their exact same feelings down to the molecular level. They just want to know you have been through something similar, and they’re not alone.
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
John lost a parent to suicide, a situation Sandy had experienced in her own life.
I am so sorry to hear about your father’s suicide. My mother took her own life five years ago . . .
Sandy has a few options to complete her end of the conversation:
1.Tell John more about her experience.
2.Ask John about his experience.
3.Say “I’m sorry. I am here if you need to talk.”
John might take comfort in knowing Sandy has had a similar experience, but Sandy should exercise the following guidelines:
•SHARE HER PERSONAL STORY ONLY IF THE PERSON IS NOT IN CRISIS.
•MAKE SURE THE PERSON IN CRISIS GETS TO SHARE HIS PERSONAL STORY.
•MAKE SURE SHE IS ONLY DOING 10% OF THE TALKING, AND THEN REDIRECT BACK TO JOHN, SO THE DOESN’T SHARE MORE ABOUT HER EXPERIENCE UNLESS SHE’S ASKED. (AND EVEN IF ASKED, SHE KEEPS IT SHORT AND SWEET, AND REDIRECTS YET AGAIN BACK TO JOHN.)
“I HAVE FAITH IN YOU.”
There is nothing quite so daunting as the steep learning curve that comes with life’s most critical times. Whether it’s loss, illness, infertility, or divorce, there are often a ton of medical, financial, and legal decisions to make that have us feeling profoundly il
l-equipped and incompetent. Equally true, there is nothing like the insecurity of being forced into, or opting to take on a new, different life that comes with major change like divorce, job transition, loss, or having a child with special health needs—because all these factors cause us to fear a loss of community, identity, economic security, and our general capacity to cope. That’s why, in these times, it’s really important to express your faith in a person’s ability to manage their situation.
EVEN IF YOU FEEL OR UNDERSTAND THEIR FEARS, IF YOU BELIEVE THIS PERSON IS OVERALL A COMPETENT, SOUND PERSON WITH GOOD JUDGMENT, NOW NOW NOW IS THE TIME TO LET THEM KNOW THAT. One woman who was contemplating divorce said what supportive words helped her most were: “My friend said that she trusted I would know what was the best course of action.”
My father-in-law recently died at home of lung cancer, just a few months after his diagnosis. I flew up to visit with the intention of saying goodbye to him and staying for a week to help my mother-in-law with errands and organizing. However, he went downhill very quickly after I arrived, and my mother-in-law and I were thrown into the roles of around-the-clock caregiving for what would be the last two weeks of his life. I’d never been in that situation, and I definitely didn’t know what I was doing.
A few days before he died, one of his family members, who I’d never met before, came in for a visit. Before she left, she said to me with a laugh, “You know, you might be the most competent person I’ve ever met in my life.” (LOL.) In that moment, I’d been feeling pretty far from competent, and her confidence in my ability to handle the situation was an invaluable boost when I really needed it.
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