SEEING IT IN ACTION:
Maria, an attorney who has been stably employed with the government for ten years, just quit her job and is talking to her sister, Michele.
I can’t believe I did this. What if I can’t find something else instead?
Why did you quit your job? It’s a pretty tough market.
I don’t know. I am such an idiot!
Maria doesn’t have a history of quitting jobs and is someone Michele has always admired for her tenacity and maturity. But that doesn’t stop Michele from questioning Maria’s judgment and making Maria feel insecure about handling a tough job search. Michele’s fears for Maria may be rational, but the point is they don’t help and only burden her with more doubt.
Let’s try this again:
I can imagine it’s scary [Here, Michele validates Maria’s fears], but I trust your judgment, and I’m confident you will find a new job with a better fit. [Here, she emboldens Maria with confidence based on what she knows about Maria to be true.] Is there anything I can do to help? Like read your résumé or pass it on to folks? [Here, she is offering concrete, tangible help.]
FOCUS ON SOMEONE’S FEELINGS, NOT JUST THE FACTS.
When you see someone after their first encounter with an ex, it’s natural to want to lead with “Is he dating anyone?” But drilling for the facts without finding out how the person is feeling about them can be a diversion away from the emotional hard stuff. (This is a good example of fact-finding listening, from this page.) So instead, try asking, “How did it feel or how was it to see him after so much time has passed?” A woman with infertility described it like this: “Everyone kept asking me about the medical process. No one seemed to get that I was hurting inside.”
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
Millicent just had a doctor’s appointment, in which she learned more about why she’s not getting pregnant. She is sharing the news with her sister Deirdre.
Just got back from the doctor. It turns out there’s an issue.
What is it?
They say I’m going through early menopause.
What does that mean?
[explains the details]
Wow. How does that happen?
[tries to explain with limited knowledge]
Have you considered a second opinion?
BREAKDOWN: Deirdre has learned some of the facts, but she doesn’t know how Millicent feels about them, which is at the heart of support in difficult times. To be even more supportive, Deirdre can take the opportunity to practice empathic listening, establish some emotional resonance, and hear how Millicent is doing with the news.
So what does that mean for getting pregnant?
[Millicent explains.]
Wow. How are you feeling? [Here, Deirdre is giving Millicent an opportunity to reflect on the true impact of the news, which has to do with Millicent’s hopes for having a baby. This gives Millicent a chance to share her feelings and receive support.]
I don’t know. I feel kind of stunned. Hopeless, really. [Millicent describes more here.]
HOPEFUL STORIES: HELPFUL, MOST OF THE TIME
Obviously, a terrifying factor for someone going through a hard time is the fear of the unknown. If someone is sick, for example, we just don’t know what’s going to happen. The situation is beyond our control, which is hard for any human being. It’s natural to want to help out your friend by giving them hope. There’s a fine line, though, between helping someone feel less daunted, and belittling their very real, warranted fear and anger with “You’ll be fine!”
Kelsey is a pessimist by nature, and positive stories can make her queasy. Yet when she got breast cancer, she actually found that she liked hopeful stories about situations like hers. As did Emily. It was reassuring to hear real stories of people who had suffered the same diagnosis and survived.
But it’s a complicated subject.
MAKE SURE THAT HOPEFUL STORY IS REAL AND ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW. A THING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET DOESN’T COUNT. That said, well-founded stories of hope can be incredibly helpful. If you have your own, or somebody else’s positive story about a difficult time (and it truly relates!), then by all means, share it. Here are some examples.
INSTEAD OF THIS TRY THIS
“You will get pregnant!” “My friend got pregnant on her third try with IVF.”
“There are other fish in the sea!” “You are an amazing, beautiful person and you deserve someone as awesome as you are.”
“Samantha on that show Sex and the City ran her first marathon while on chemo!” “It’s a unique experience for everyone. My sister was able to keep working through most of it, and that’s my hope for you.”
“A divorce is not a big deal. Everyone gets divorced these days. Don’t worry about it.” “For what it’s worth, I was really surprised by my parents’ understanding. But every situation is unique.”
“If you eat unprocessed food and get enough rest, your body will know what to do.” “My friend had three miscarriages, and her fourth pregnancy is now a walking toddler.”
“I CARE, I LOVE YOU”
Remember how burdensome and unlovable a person in need can feel? There’s nothing like being in a shitty or scary time and hearing from others that they love you. In person, via text or email, written on a cake, however and how often you can do it, say I love, admire, respect you, or express whatever kind of adoration you actually have for a person. It can’t go wrong. And it’s sorely needed, and deeply appreciated.
LIST OF GO-TO PHRASES
KEEP THESE IN YOUR BACK POCKET FOR WHENEVER YOU NEED THEM:
•DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?
•IT’S NOT BORING, I WANT TO HEAR.
•WHAT’S THAT LIKE FOR YOU?
•HOW ARE YOU DOING, NOW?
•THIS MUST BE HARD, BUT YOU’RE DOING GREAT.
•I TRUST YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
•I’VE SEEN YOU GET THROUGH HARD THINGS BEFORE. HARD AS THIS FEELS NOW, I KNOW YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS.
•YES, KNOWING THIS DOES CHANGE HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU. I SEE YOU AS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL AND COURAGEOUS.
•I RESPECT YOU.
•I LOVE YOU.
HEY, LISTEN:
Research shows that talking about our feelings is often easier with friends than with family members. So if you are frustrated that your sibling or parent is not able to listen and talk with you about how you’re feeling, you are not alone. It’s completely normal for family members to fall down on the job in the feelings realm. It’s also true that family members are more likely to pitch in with nitty-gritty help like cleaning, or financial help, so if it feels right (and in some relationships it doesn’t), ask them to roll up their sleeves and help—and process your innermost feelings with friends.
QUESTIONS OF ETIQUETTE
IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME TO TALK?
Where and when matters when it comes to talking. With that in mind, try not to ask someone how they’re doing unless you’re ready to hear a real answer. For example, don’t ask the question as you’re exiting the elevator, when the person you’re talking to isn’t. Also not a good idea: asking when you’re within earshot of people not connected to the conversation. As one newly divorced woman said, “First of all, don’t bring it up in front of a group of people. If you are really asking out of real concern, do it discreetly.”
If you want to connect, to find the right time, you can always ask: “When is a good time to connect?” or just make an overture for lunch or coffee. Or just send an email, note, or card. Don’t think that you need to be available at the drop of a hat for any kind of emotionally intense conversation. Unless the person you’re asking is in trauma mode or shock, you’ll probably win points for thoughtfulness and discretion.
AM I READY TO HEAR A REAL ANSWER?
We all have different capacities for listening, and we all lead busy lives. The good news is that you don’t have to be your neighbor’s armchair therapist unless you really want to be. ONLY ASK “HOW ARE YOU?” I
F YOU REALLY HAVE THE TIME AND A SERIOUS INCLINATION TO KNOW. And it’s okay if you don’t have the time or the inclination. No one wants to share their vulnerability with everyone in any case, and if, ultimately, you’re not really that interested, or you just don’t know a person that well, stick with “I’m sorry.” It still shows that you authentically care, and you won’t be running the risk of implying more concern than is there.
IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON REACHING OUT?
It’s common to think that the moment to reach out and acknowledge someone’s situation has passed us by. It is almost always okay to reach out a few weeks, months, or in some situations, years after the fact. If something truly bad has happened, a person’s life has changed forever, and just because time has passed, they probably haven’t stopped thinking about their grief, about the illness they went through, about their ex . . . What’s more, many of their friends will stop thinking about it as time goes on. People often wind up feeling very alone with the long-term effects of what they went through. Being the person who remembers, even months or years later, isn’t a bad thing to be.
LOSS DOESN’T HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE.
One man told us: “After a month or so, no one ever spoke of my mother in any fashion, as though she completely disappeared. Not just that she died, but that she was erased.”
SO, WHENEVER YOU FIND OUT SOMETHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW, FEEL FREE TO WRITE, SAY, OR DO SOMETHING OUT OF THE BLUE TO EXPRESS YOUR CONCERN. BE AN UNEXPECTED GIFT. IF YOU’VE ALREADY REACHED OUT ONCE, and YOU CARE to DO SO AGAIN, THAT’S GREAT. IT NEVER GETS OLD.
And if you don’t know how someone is feeling about their situation so long after the fact, just say “I don’t know how you are doing now, but I heard the news and I’m sorry.”
EMPATHY TIP: Saying “I wished I had reached out sooner” is plenty. Spare the person on the receiving end all the reasons/excuses for why you didn’t reach out. It doesn’t mean the reasons are not valid, but it just doesn’t matter that much, and it can make the overture seem more about you than you probably intend.
AM I BEATING A DEAD HORSE?
We may feel we’ve covered enough ground by asking someone just once about their difficult time, but if your relationship with the person in pain can bear it, it’s good to ask again. It’s almost always appreciated when we follow up and ask how someone is doing a few weeks or months after their initial time of difficulty. You can even ask “How are you doing with [your situation], now?”
I never expected to feel so much sorrow over my miscarriage for so much time. Four months after it happened, my good friend, Amy, who I see on a regular basis, asked out of the blue how I was doing with it. I was still struggling with it, actually, and until hearing her question, I had felt ashamed for not being over it. Her interest made my grief four months later feel normal and important. The talking about it lasted no more than fifteen seconds. But the impact of her well-timed concern remains to this day.
A parent whose three-year-old child was diagnosed with cancer said:
“Now that we have ‘finished treatment’ there seems to be the feeling that it is all over, but we have to deal day to day with the worries of recurrent disease, and the lifelong side effects of high-dose chemotherapy. I also felt that my son has missed out on half of his childhood. I want to talk about the trauma we went through, and the aftermath, but no one is asking.”
DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK ABOUT SOMEONE’S CONDITION MORE THAN ONCE. FOLLOW UP.
EMPATHY TIP: The best way to figure out how much or how often to bring up someone’s difficult time is by reading their cues. If you ask someone about their issue twice in a conversation, and it’s a nonstarter, then that’s your cue: don’t ask about it any more right then. (If the person broaches the subject on their own, then of course, ask about it with a follow-up question or two.) And if you don’t know each other well, there’s no need to ask about it more than once.
Many people come to feel self-conscious if their difficult time becomes a perennial source of conversation. If you see someone fairly regularly, whether every day at the office, every few days with your exercise group, or every week for your Sabbath service, it’s probably best to not check in about your friend’s issue every time you see them.
IS SENDING AN EMAIL JUST TACKY?
No! Email makes sending love a lot easier, and when something is easier, it is more likely to happen. Despite how embarrassing it can be to resort to the easy option when someone is having the worst possible time, it’s so much better than doing nothing. Which means that email is a great option.
EMPATHY TIP: As one woman wrote about receiving emails after her father’s death:
“After I sent a mass email to my network of friends, family, and coworkers announcing that my dad had passed, I got tons of messages back. A number of them were from people who cared, but who would not ordinarily take the time to send a card. While some might think it uncool to send a condolence message by email, I really appreciated hearing from folks, regardless of how they reached out.”
TEXTING AND SOCIAL MEDIA DO COUNT.
Who knew texting could be so powerful a tool for helping people feel better? (Sorry, parents of teenagers everywhere.) Texting isn’t just for letting your friends know you’re running late (again) or breaking up with someone in the sketchiest possible way. Texting is actually being studied as an effective way for psychologists to support people who are depressed. You may feel that writing fifteen words or fewer on social media or text, or sending an emoji of a glass of wine, isn’t the right way to connect with someone when they’re in pain. But remember—it’s not about finding the “right words,” but simply connecting. Sometimes, we only need to know people are thinking about us and don’t need to always talk about what we are feeling. So if you are hovering over your computer or phone, wondering whether to email or post a condolence or just say “hi,” “love you,” or share something else, the answer is yes. A call is an additional bonus if you are a close friend. But virtual comfort really does count.
IS CALLING EVEN APPROPRIATE ANYMORE?
With all the other ways to communicate at our fingertips, people rarely get on the phone anymore. When the phone rings, it can feel intrusive, especially if it’s a number we don’t recognize. So do you call someone when they’re in crisis? If you are not already very close friends, we recommend you don’t pick up the phone. If you aren’t close, definitely do not call within days of a tragic event or difficult news. A card or an email is better.
However, if you are good friends or close family, call! The person can always choose to not pick up. One of the women Kelsey surveyed commented:
“I would have liked more phone calls from a few close friends after I lost my husband. I don’t expect them to know exactly what to say or really be able to help, but just a simple check-in, a phone call or message, would have let me know they were thinking of me. That would have been really supportive and helpful.”
EMPATHY TIP: Avoid expressions like “I’ve left you a couple of messages.” One of the worst things you can do is make someone feel pressure to call back. Much better to simply say “No need to call back” and leave it at that.
All THAT SAID: SEND A CARD!
Given that so much of our modern communications are via electronics, getting an actual card—you know, one made out of paper that comes in an envelope with a stamp on the outside and everything—feels, these days, even more like someone made a special effort. Unlike a text or a tweet, you can display a card as a reminder that someone was thinking of you. Many of us keep cards for years, if not for a lifetime, reading them with every move of our stuff. And, even better, if you’re struggling with what to say, cards can do a great job of helping you find the right words.
If you can find the time to send a card, please do. Embrace the challenge of buying a stamp—remember those?—and finding a person’s physical address! Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
EMPATHY TIP: In an ideal world, you wouldn�
�t ask a grieving person for their address. You can resort to asking for it if you must—it’s not a huge deal—but first, try and find it some other way.
SOMETIMES, PEOPLE NEED SPACE.
We’ve written a lot here about reaching out, so it goes against our very instincts to state it, but sometimes a person just wants to forget about their situation or feel normal again. In these times, if you don’t think they are in a dangerous situation, you can respect a person’s wish to be alone. Or offer to go to a movie or have some other kind of night out. For those times when someone is too tired for entertainment or chatting, simple company is great. As one woman who was ill described: “I didn’t want to talk. I was too tired. But my friend came by and hung out on the couch and read while I stayed in bed. It helped me feel less lonely.”
OKAY, I’LL TELL YOU ABOUT MY BORING LIFE.
There’s nothing like seeing your neighbor in mourning or friend bald from chemotherapy to make you feel a tad sheepish when complaining about your boss. There are certainly times to leave your own worries at the door and focus on your friend. What people in a difficult time often fear, however, is that their scary, awful situation means they are left out of other people’s lives. Yes, not being able to find jeans that fit your waistline is a “good problem” to have, but it just might be your problem today. If your friend or neighbor or colleague isn’t in crisis or emotionally distraught, then just be who you are and share your situation. Because people in grief want to feel like you see them as a whole person, not just a griever, or a patient.
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