There Is No Good Card for This
Page 8
One young man, Kevin, who lost both his parents in a plane crash put it this way:
“I felt best when people didn’t treat me differently even after they learned of my loss. I returned home after spending a month at my parents’ house, and some friends gave me a low-key dinner party when I returned. It helped me ease back into a life that I knew would never be the same.”
BOTTOM LINE:
KNOWING WHEN TO LISTEN AND WHAT TO SAY
STARTS WITH:
•SAYING “I’M SORRY.”
•ASKING “HOW ARE YOU, TODAY?” (Don’t forget to listen to the answer.)
•FOCUSING ON AND ACKNOWLEDGING THE PERSON’S PRESENT FEELINGS, NOT JUST THE FACTS.
•PAYING ATTENTION TO CUES: IS IT A GOOD TIME? OR DOES THE PERSON NEED A LITTLE SPACE? (DON’T BE AFRAID TO FOLLOW UP IF NOW ISN’T THE RIGHT TIME.)
•EXPRESSING THAT THE PERSON IS NOT ALONE.
•EXPRESSING FAITH IN THE PERSON’S (PROBABLY RATTLED) JUDGMENT.
•SHARING THE LOVE.
•USING TECHNOLOGY FOR GOOD.
•GIVING SPACE WHEN SPACE IS NEEDED.
•BEING YOURSELF WITH YOUR “MUNDANE” PROBLEMS.
CHAPTER 5:
SMALL GESTURES
MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE
“I loved her texts. Just knowing that she noticed, and cared, was all that I needed; it’s not like she had a magic lever that would release balloons from the ceiling and make my disease go away.”
—Ken, diagnosed with MS
One day, Boris was at the deli when he spotted Noboru (at least, he was pretty sure his name was Noboru). They had been part of the same cycling crew back in the day, and Boris had always liked him. Boris was about to say hi when he remembered he’d heard Noboru’s father had recently passed away.
He was struck with doubt. Just by looking at him across the store, Boris could see that Noboru wasn’t in great shape, but he didn’t know what to do. Too embarrassed to say anything, Boris paid in cash so he could get out of there faster and not have to face him.
But Boris didn’t get away clean. For the rest of the day, he couldn’t get Noboru’s face out of his mind, so that night, he looked up his email and wrote him:
I saw you at the store today but was too chicken to say anything. I’m really sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine what that is like. I’m really sorry.
Boris pressed send before he could back out.
The next morning, there was no reply from Noboru, so he wondered if his email was inappropriate. But that afternoon, Noboru responded:
Hey. It has been horrible. Worse than you can imagine. But your email really helped me out today. Really. Thanks.
Boris wasn’t proud of running out of the deli, but he felt really glad he sent that note. And it was actually a lot easier to do than he thought.
Sometimes, what’s holding us back from offering comfort isn’t that we don’t care enough, but that we don’t feel we have the time or the bandwidth to do something that will make a difference. We may feel that we have to be 100 percent available all the time when we’re around someone in a tough situation. It’s not unreasonable to think that saying “I’m sorry” is an inadequate response to, say, the loss of a loved one. Or that asking “How are you?” and genuinely wanting to know means we are then responsible for talking with this person about their situation until the end of time.
THE GOOD NEWS IS, THESE FEARS ARE NORMAL.
THE BETTER NEWS IS, THESE FEARS ARE NOT RATIONAL.
WE’LL EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHY WITH OUR
THIRD TOUCHSTONE OF SHOWING UP:
SMALL GESTURES MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.
TINY PEBBLES MAKE WIDE RIPPLES.
In Kelsey’s Empathy Bootcamp workshops, participants put together what they call a Gesture Wall, a convincing demonstration of the massive comforting power of small gestures. To create the Gesture Wall, each person writes down one thing, a gesture, that a neighbor, friend, colleague, or someone they barely know did for them that made a big difference in their lives when times were dark. These are then posted on a wall and reviewed in total by all the workshop participants. The takeaway is always the same: the gestures themselves are often very small and require little effort, but the effect they have on the receivers is significant, sometimes even years later.
Equally valuable about the exercise is what it reveals about the variety of people who matter in our lives. They include neighbors, colleagues, good friends, strangers, and family. The biggest revelation for viewers of the Gesture Wall is that for most situations, comforting someone is not a Herculean effort, because providing support is not the sole responsibility of any one person. And that’s because:
CARING TAKES A VILLAGE.
You are not a soul doctor. When someone is in a rough time, you are not being called upon to commit the next twenty years to helping them work through every problem they’ll ever have. People who can drop everything and care for us are a wonderful gift, but that person doesn’t have to be you. If you feel overwhelmed by life and are maxed for time or emotional bandwidth—but you also care—take this to heart: offering comfort is not leading someone on, or committing yourself to offering more comfort later. It can be a onetime offer; you can decide how much to give.
IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY IF WHAT YOU OFFER IS SIMPLE OR SEEMINGLY SMALL.
EMPATHY WARM-UP:
CREATING A GESTURE WALL
It can be hard to believe that others will find your small gifts valuable, and the following exercise can help. Answer the following brief questions for yourself, and then maybe ask them of two friends (you can even do your own miniversion of Empathy Bootcamp, where you all write your answer(s) to each question on sticky notes, and when you’re done, stick them up on the wall and spend some time looking at the range of responses):
1.What’s something a colleague did that meant a lot to me in a difficult time?
2.What’s something an acquaintance did for me that comforted or helped me?
3.What’s something an old friend I hadn’t seen in forever did for me?
4.What did a good friend or family do that supported me?
5.What were some of the most amazing gifts I received in my difficult time?
After considering the range of your own responses (and/or those of your friends), check out the following examples of gestures collected from Kelsey’s workshops. Some of these might just give you an idea of something you can do to help someone right now.
While you look at these example responses collected from Empathy Bootcamps, think back to the state of being a grieving, freaked-out person. Consider how these gestures, in their small, cumulative ways, help with the following: loneliness, shame, fear, overwhelm, uncertainty, and financial insecurity.
THINK ABOUT THIS:
“FEAR-BUSTING” QUESTIONS
1.How many of the gestures you just read took a lot of time, energy, or money?
2.How many of them were dependent on having an impressive grasp of human psychology?
3.Is there any one thing someone did that “cured” somebody of pain?
4.Were the gestures by acquaintances, colleagues, or even friends intrusive?
5.Did the helpers need to know specific details of the situation in order to help?
EMPATHY TIP: Flowers are awesome, and, as cliché as they may be, they really do wonders for brightening up someone’s day. But overt gestures and gifts in public spaces, like the workplace, may prompt questions from coworkers, inadvertently making the network of people in the know wider than is desired. In which case, discreetly leave something else (Donuts! Chocolate! HBO Go password!).
YOUR EMPATHY SWEET SPOT
Once we’ve decided to support someone, our natural first question is usually: “Well, what do they need?” This is a totally logical question when you’re faced with fixing a faucet or a car. (And someday Emily hopes to become a person capable of doing at least one of those things.) But counterintuitively, thinking about what someone in a difficult time
might need is a less helpful strategy when trying to support them. Instead, you can narrow down the parameters of care to something very manageable and even fun to do, by asking yourself: WHAT CAN I GIVE?
YOUR AUTHENTIC GIFT STARTS WITH
WHAT YOU CAN GIVE,
NOT WITH WHAT SOMEONE NEEDS.
If you care, doing something is important. But doing something you like to do, and not something you would normally resist doing, is invaluable.
THAT’S BECAUSE DOING SOMETHING WE NATURALLY LIKE TO DO MEANS WE’RE MORE LIKELY TO DO IT.
Nobody sucks at empathy. Just like laughing, we were all born with the ability to show we care. You just might need a little help to figure out what you’re good at. And while you’re probably not good at everything, we know you’re good at something, and you can use that something to be supportive. You can find the thing you love to give and know you can give well and offer up that very specific gesture.
To give you a concrete idea of what we’re talking about, take a look at our Empathy Menu that was inspired by Kelsey’s friend Meaghan, a young cancer survivor who describes in a personal essay the roles people played during her chemotherapy treatment, naming them “an extension of my immune system.” Before you review the menu, just remember: not every difficult time requires everything on this list. Furthermore, no one is good at everything on this list. (If you are, we would like to meet you and be friends with you in case we require your support in the future.)
The EMPATHY MENU
the LISTENER Is good at asking questions, is attentive to the answers, and offers up space for the person to just be quiet with someone, if talking feels like too much.
the OPPOSABLE-THUMBED Sends texts just saying Hi and I’m thinking of you.
the SPIRITUAL Prays and sends positive, healing intentions.
the POET Sends a card, notes to say Hello, I’m thinking of you, I’m sorry, I’m proud, or You are awesome. Or something else even more poetic.
the PRACTICAL GIFT-GIVER Gives coupons for a cleaning service, food, massages.
the CHEF Drops off fresh and/or frozen meals.
the WHIMSICAL/FUNNY GIFT-GIVER Gives silly gifts like a voodoo doll or a bright pink wig, maybe takes the person to a stand-up show.
the PERSEVERER Forgives broken plans and keeps on scheduling. (This is actually a characteristic everyone should aspire to when helping.)
the CHAUFFEUR Drives and keeps company on important dates.
the CRAFTER Makes something unique and meaningful—a quilt, a song, an awesome playlist.
the NETWORKER Finds out people who can help and makes an introduction, from medical and alternative doctors, to lawyers, to therapists, to someone else who’s been in a similar situation.
the ENTERTAINER Invites the person out to movies, drinks, or accompanies them in a marathon of watching the dumbest reality television they can find.
the RESEARCHER Digs into the latest research (possibly shielding the patient from falling into the vast and terrifying abyss of medical information on the Internet).
the GARDENER Does the yard work, brings plants.
the WORKHORSE Runs errands—from food shopping, to picking up dry cleaning, to housework.
the ORGANIZER Creates binders of important financial, health, and legal information.
the BABYSITTER/EXTENDED CAREGIVER Spends time with the kids or the frail people in our lives.
the PROJECT MANAGER Coordinates other people’s help. (Nobody wants eight casseroles on the same day.)
the FINANCIER Helps out with costs on babysitting, medical or legal bills, and so on, and doesn’t need to be paid back.
the PUBLIC RELATIONS GURU The point of contact for sharing updates with friends.
the HOST(ESS) Invites the person to stay at their house or invites them over for meals.
If you’d rather lick a live wire than talk about something emotionally difficult, but you really DO care, there’s huge relief in the Empathy Menu for you. It’s good to know you can leave flowers at the door and run, or pen a condolence card, or sweep up your bereaved neighbor’s yard without having to talk about his wife’s passing in a way that makes you feel awkward. By helping or reaching out in some small way, you’ve acknowledged what someone is going through, and it will really make a difference in their day. And if that’s all you feel you’re capable of, that’s fine. And the more “fine” you feel in giving what you can give, the more likely you will be to give it, give it more often, and who knows—when you do have time or bandwidth—even give more. But the point is to give what you can give and feel good about giving.
So if you hate having emotional conversations, but really love to garden, then offer up that skill to someone who needs it, even doing it while they aren’t home, if that’s what makes you more comfortable. If, on the other hand, you can’t be counted on to do chores for anyone else, because you can’t even count on getting them done for yourself, but you’re a great listener, then trust that by just asking someone how they are doing, when you really have the inclination and time to know, is really valuable.
EMPATHY WORKOUT: WHAT ARE YOUR EMPATHY SUPERPOWERS?
Choose two things you’re good at, and two you know you can cross off the list right away. For example:
I enjoy buying flowers, and even hosting people for a long spell, which is something a lot of people won’t offer to do, so I offer it up fairly regularly. But cleaning? Cooking? Not my strong suit. I used to feel obligated to cook for people, because it seemed like that’s what I was supposed to do. But the stress of it made it hard for me to give with love, and actually made me a bit of a Fretter (see this page).
I really like making things, and given infinite time, I’d love to be embroidering pillows or doing something crafty. But honestly, at this point in my life, it makes more sense for me to send gifts like massages, food-delivery service gift certificates—or there’s always a card.
When we recognize the comforting value of our unique talents—and even better, accept the limits we have on what we can do—the more likely we are to offer our few, but valued gifts. This is way preferable to having a gesture dragged out of us by a person in crisis. Look at this sample conversation scenario to see what we mean.
SEEING IT IN ACTION:
I’m a mess. I just can’t get out of bed.
I’m so sorry, Chen. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Uhh . . . Thanks. No, I’m okay.
So Meaghan cares and wants to help. But Chen doesn’t really know where to begin with asking for help, so he says he’s okay. But he’s not really okay. And because he’s not okay, he doesn’t feel comfortable telling Meaghan what he needs—even if he knows what it is.
Let’s try this again:
I’m a mess. I just can’t get out of bed.
I’m so sorry, Chen. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Thanks, Meaghan. I have to go to the funeral on Tuesday. Can you come feed my cat?
Ooh, sorry, I can’t. I’m allergic.
How about moving my car when I’m gone?
Oh, gosh, I don’t know how to drive. Anything else?
Um, no. Thanks. I’m all set.
In that second scenario, Chen was brave to ask, and he took Meaghan at her word. And of course, Meaghan wanted to be helpful. But there was no way for Chen to know what kind of help she really had in mind. Any rational person would do what Chen did and eventually give up.
The easiest way for Meaghan to truly be helpful would be to offer her specific, authentic gift with love and confidence. This could be any of the following:
I’m a great gardener and would love to come by and water your plants while you’re away. I can also take in the mail.
OR
I can’t drive (or I’m allergic to cats), but I’ll find you someone who can and coordinate it for you. When’s your flight? I’ll make sure someone will be there to pick you up.
OR
If Meaghan can’t or doesn’t want to do any chores,
she can just say “I’m sorry.” If she’s a listener, she can offer to listen and say “Wanna tell me what’s going on?” And if she’s a gift giver, she can leave something to be waiting for Chen when he gets back.
In any of the above scenarios, Meaghan offers what she can and wants to handle and doesn’t offer what she can’t or doesn’t want to do. This will be easier for Meaghan and feels much better to Chen.
If you aren’t in a position to offer anything specific to fill a need, but still want to do something, like send a gift, a card, or a poem, go ahead. Again, look at the Empathy Menu. It’s likely if you were to email someone asking what they need, they wouldn’t have said “A really good playlist for my chemo session.” But you are a lover of music and want to create a playlist—then just do it and don’t wait for someone to ask for it. But wait, you say, you have no time to make an entire playlist? Okay, just post your favorite inspirational song on the person’s Facebook page. You see where we’re going here, right?
YOUR AUTHENTIC GIFT, WHETHER IT’S BEING ASKED OF YOU OR NOT, IS STILL REALLY AWESOME TO RECEIVE.