There Is No Good Card for This
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A classic providing a much needed review on how our reliance on the opinions of others and the negative ones we have of ourselves sabotage our self-esteem.
Lewis, C. S. (2001). A Grief Observed. San Francisco: HarperSanFrancisco, 2001.
A heartbreaking rendering of grief by theologian C. S. Lewis, who lost his wife to cancer. The best in its class.
Solomon, Andrew. Far from the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity. New York: Scribner, 2012.
Solomon’s book provides an eye-opening glimpse into humanity’s fraught and sublime conditions, awaking deep compassion without any hint of prescription or sanctimony.
Strayed, Cheryl. Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar. New York: Vintage Books, 2012.
Hands down, the best of its kind: advice loaded with searing honesty about life’s vulnerable, complicated times.
Walker, Val. The Art of Comforting: What to Say and Do for People in Distress. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin, 2010.
A truly insightful account into dynamics of comfort and the culture in which it takes place.
Books for the Scientifically and Philosophically Curious
Overviews of Compassion Research and Debates
Keltner, Dacher. Born to Be Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2009.
Krznaric, Roman. Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It. New York: Penguin Group, 2014.
Monroe, K. R. The Heart of Altruism: Perceptions of a Common Humanity. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1996.
Seppälä, Emma. The Happiness Track: How to Apply the Science of Happiness to Accelerate Your Success. San Francisco: HarperOne, 2016.
Workplace Compassion
Dutton, J., and Worline, M. Awakening Compassion at Work: The Quiet Power That Elevates People and Organizations. Oakland, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2017.
Grant, A. M. Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success. New York: Viking, 2013.
Medical Compassion
Halpern, Jodi. From Detached Concern to Empathy: Humanizing Medical Practice. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2001.
Halpern, S. P. The Etiquette of Illness: What to Say When You Can’t Find the Words. New York: Bloomsbury, 2004.
Websites
Useful Research, Relatable Content, and Empathy Merchandise
Advice to Sink in Slowly: www.advicetosinkinslowly.org
Brain Pickings: www.brainpickings.org
CompassionLab: www.compassionlab.com
Emily McDowell Studio: www.emilymcdowell.com
Flower: www.flowerapp.com
Greater Good Science Center: www.greatergood.berkeley.edu
Help Each Other Out: www.helpeachotherout.org
ABOUT THE RESEARCH
This book is based on an exploration with many people about what works and doesn’t when giving support in difficult times. Some hard times weren’t addressed because there wasn’t enough data to do so. Other issues require a thorny mix of professional and community support and could not be responsibly addressed without more nuance. Some life situations, like parenting and “coming out,” have a wide range of experiences from good to hard that didn’t fit well in the set of issues elaborated on. All that being said, using your powers of empathy, it is reasonable to argue that concepts described here can guide you through any number of life’s rough neighborhoods.
Responses came from over nine hundred participants to an online survey of open-ended questions and from fifty interviews. People were asked about the kinds of words and gestures they found helpful in difficult situations and what was hard to hear from people ranging from strangers and colleagues to friends and family. In addition, over 450 participants across several empathy workshops, talks, and events completed “gesture cards” with similar information about how people stepped up and what efforts fell flat.
The survey and interview data was read and reread, then coded, categorized, and organized into themes that were distilled into the essential ideas presented in the book. In some cases, there were other also intriguing hints of themes regarding religion, humor, and touch, but ultimately there was not enough data to substantiate any claims, and we did not present them in the book. Themes that are presented in the book were cross-checked and developed with six readers, while several of the book’s recommendations were verified with participants in several Empathy Bootcamp workshops.
Leaving no stone unturned, concepts and themes that came up in the questionnaire and interview data were supported with a thorough review of peer-reviewed studies found in journals addressing topics like divorce, infertility, illness, and loss, while concepts on matters like advice-giving and listening were supported by articles in communication studies, with liberties taken to adapt and greatly distill these ideas to make our recommendations actionable.
The final form of verification around themes from the data came from Kelsey’s and Emily’s own personal experiences. We are humans, after all, and through our collaboration made sure we could confidently stand behind the concepts, premises, and recommendations presented here. People shared their experiences and wisdom with us to benefit others in their similar situations. We hope their hard-earned wisdom can achieve that, while circling back to the person whose benefit matters most: you.
Caveat About the Data
The nature of our exploration of these topics did not allow us to thoroughly examine how issues of race, ethnicity, and culture play out in the kinds of gestures that are offered and how those are experienced. Participants in the survey and interviews and workshops were geographically, religiously, ethnically, sexually, and by gender diverse, and nothing we heard suggested providing comfort differently because of their background. However, some scholarship in communication studies suggests that a different approach with a focus on cultural and gender analysis would be able to find such differences if they are there, and it would be useful if such an exploration were done.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
We can’t get through shitty times like illness and loss by doing it alone. We can’t birth ideas alone, either. This book would not have been possible without the support of many, many people.
Colleagues and a multitude of friends distributed my online research questionnaire and interview requests far and wide. Thanks to them, I was entrusted with the pain and hard-earned wisdom of several hundred people to whom I am forever grateful. Helping to harness their stories in order to explain comfort across many difficult times were Mardie Oakes, Jennie Mollica, Ed Dorrington, Dr. Amy D’Andrade, Dr. Mariah Breeding, and Dr. Beth Roy. They provided constructive feedback on emerging themes in the research and found the work’s soul that my keep-me-out-of-the-doghouse-with-what-not-to-say perspective did not initially grasp. My good friend Katie Crouch showed me how humor can make a heavy subject engaging, Emily Han championed the book’s practical focus, and Rob McQuilken taught me to take the reader on a journey of personal change.
The course of that journey became clear in the development of the Empathy Bootcamp workshop that is the basis of much of this book. Colleagues like Dr. Monica Worline from the University of Michigan’s Compassion Lab and the brilliant therapist Kim Wylder helped me with insights into the corroding effect of shame on trusting our authentic capacity to give. Dr. Adam McTighe helped set the workshop’s tone between research and relatability without cloying sentimentality, and the soulful young cancer survivor Meaghan Calcari Campbell wrote the poem that inspired the book’s Empathy Menu. None of this would have been implemented, however, without Naomi Hoffer of the Helen Diller Cancer Center at the University of California, San Francisco, who brought in and championed this work, first launching it into the big wide world.
Many elements of the book are informed by activities supported by an organization I founded with several people called Help Each Other Out, which is trying to mainstream our society’s capacity to deal with the human condition. More than two hundred people volunteered their time and donations to
make the workshops, our public campaigns on Being There in several urban neighborhoods, and resource-rich website happen, providing the platform to write this book. Our advisory board has been responsible for fund-raising, networking, and thought partnership around every programmatic detail for three years, and they include Dr. Amy D’Andrade, Dr. Jan Malvin, Dr. Jen Tosti-Kharas, Liza Siegler, Michele Turner, Millicent Bogert, Mindy Schweitzer-Rawls, with additional loving help from Hope Singsen, the quiet powers of Maria Niubo, and constant support from Alex Armenta. The indefatigable Dara Kosberg lends her singular powers and passion as staff to officially move Help Each Other Out into its next developmental phase, and board member Mardie Oakes has been a supporter in nearly every part of the work, showing up always.
I am very fortunate to have several good friends that cared for this mission nearly as much as I did. My friend Amy D’Andrade may have cared even more. Since the beginning, she has dedicated her energies to develop every aspect of this work. From the research to the initial reading to the implementation of the workshops to the development of Help Each Other Out, she has been a thought partner and overall work-wife. All the while, she has been my very true friend. Thank you.
Good friends I have known since Earlham College patiently, enthusiastically, and supportively over the years asked, significantly helped, and asked again about how everything was going. Michele Belliveau, Deirdre Russo, Theresa Locklear, Lisa Long, Amy Hunter, Jessica Jones, and newer friends like my writing sister Calla Devlin, and my loving in-laws Dick and Sue Brown. All are like family to me, and I love them.
It was a big leap to craft the book we have now, and our editor Luke Dempsey at HarperOne took the plunge. He gave the manuscript a tough treatment when it needed it most; asking probing questions, being patient with revisions, and giving the faith I needed for us to create the book as it was meant to be. I don’t know if any other editor could have made this possible; I am grateful that he and his team at HarperOne did.
Making this book a dream come true is my partnership with Emily McDowell—the kind anyone toiling away in obscurity visions about. She fiercely defended this work and enhanced it greatly with her clear-eyed thinking, relatable and witty writing, and artistic talent. We mind-melded seamlessly about what this book should be, she gave to it everything she had and more, and our collaboration has been one of the greatest professional experiences of my career.
With all the care that has gone into this work, none has been more important than that of my husband’s, Mike Brown. His investment in me as a human, as his wife, and as an example to our daughter came before any other considerations. There is no conceivable way to describe the emotional, strategic, and financial support he provided to make me happy and the world a better place. He is more generous, patient, and funny than any man I know. I love him deeply.
This book is for my mother, who nurtured me until she no longer could, and for my husband, who nurtures me now and always will.
As it turns out, it takes a village to help you run a company while you’re writing and illustrating a book. Big huge thanks to my employees, who picked up the slack like champions while I worked on this project. I’d also like to thank the fabulous folks who worked hard to help make this book happen: Myrsini Stephanides and Lydia Shamah at Carol Mann Agency, my superstar lawyer Marc Chamlin, and the whole team at HarperOne. To my partner, Seth: thank you for your infinite patience, saintlike willingness to listen to me complain, good ideas, and insistence that I’m pretty even when I’m definitely not. I owe you one. To my stepson, Oliver: thank you for being you. To Jenny: thank you for always showing up (then and now). To Amy O: thank you for living your life in a way that inspired me to make mine better. You are so missed. And, of course, to Kelsey: thank you for being a wonderful coauthor and friend. I am so happy and grateful to know you.
Finally, to all of the wonderful people who wrote about, shared, and bought Empathy Cards, and to everyone who shared their personal stories of illness and grief with me: thank you. This book is for you.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
KELSEY CROWE, Ph.D., founded Help Each Other Out and is a breast cancer survivor. She earned her doctorate in social welfare at the University of California, Berkeley, and teaches social work at California State University. Kelsey is originally from Brooklyn and lives in San Francisco with her husband and daughter. You can find her online at www.helpeachotherout.org.
EMILY McDOWELL is not a doctor. She is a writer, illustrator, speaker, and the CEO of Emily McDowell Studio, making greeting cards for the relationships we really have and products that speak to the people we really are. In 2015, she created Empathy™ Cards, for people experiencing major illness, grief, and loss. She and her work have been featured in the New York Times and on Good Morning America, NBC Nightly News, and NPR’s All Things Considered, among many others, and in 2015, she was named by Slate as one of “Ten Designers Who Are Changing the World.” Emily lives and works in Los Angeles, and you can find her online at www.emilymcdowell.com. This is her first book.
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CREDITS
Front cover design: Emily McDowell
COPYRIGHT
Some names have been changed in this book to protect people’s privacy.
THERE IS NO GOOD CARD FOR THIS. Copyright © 2017 by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
FIRST EDITION
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Crowe, Kelsey, author. | McDowell, Emily, author.
Title: There is no good card for this : what to say and do when life is scary, awful, and unfair to people you love / Dr. Kelsey Crowe, Emily McDowell.
Description: San Francisco : HarperOne, 2017.
Identifiers: LCCN 2016028082 (print) | LCCN 2016048367 (ebook) |
ISBN 9780062469991 (hardback) | ISBN 9780062658579 (audio) |
ISBN 9780062470003 (e-book)
EPub Edition January 2017 ISBN 9780062470003
Subjects: LCSH: Self-actualization (Psychology) | Bereavement. | Loss (Psychology) | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Personal Growth / General. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Death, Grief, Bereavement.
Classification: LCC BF637.S4 C769 2017 (print) | LCC BF637.S4 (ebook) | DDC 155.9/3—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016028082
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