Bracing the Blue Line

by Lindsay Paige

  “No, I was about to head to my parents' place.”

  “I'll meet you there, okay?”

  After she agrees, I head that way. Today, I'll get to see baby girl, and we'll also have to do the paternity test. At least I feel more rested than I did this morning. I may have dozed during the little break between classes. Tonight when I go to Audra's, we're definitely going to have to work on homework again.

  Audra's sitting at the same table as last time, but unlike then, her mother is sitting with her. Audra is facing the front and smiles when she sees me. That's new, or at least, it feels like it. I kiss her temple again before sitting down next to her. I can't help it. She's carrying my baby girl, and she was worried I would be upset that I wouldn't be able to go with her to the appointment. I want her to feel good about things, so a little, innocent kiss there should help with that.

  “Hey, Audra. Hey, Mrs. Garcia. Are you eating with us today?” I ask.

  “Yes, I am. Audra said you've been very sweet with her.” What? When have I been sweet? I've only been like normal and nice. Maybe there's not a difference between nice and sweet. Upon seeing my confusion, she adds, “She told me about last night. I told her she could have called me, that I wouldn't mind and besides, it sounds like you have quite the load on your shoulders. You play hockey, correct?”

  “Yes, ma'am. It's really not that much and I didn't mind going to the store for her.”

  Mrs. Garcia smiles at me. “I don't think we've ever watched a game before. How long have you been playing?”

  “Since I was old enough. We have a game Thursday night, if y'all want to come.” It's risky inviting them because what if Audra wants to see me afterwards? None of the guys, except Bo and Coach, know about her or the baby.

  The waitress brings us a pizza and Audra starts to devour a slice.

  “Would you like to go, Audra?”

  “Um,” she wipes her mouth with a napkin and finishes chewing the bite she took, “I've seen a game before, that's how I eventually ended up meeting Neil.” She puts a hand on the top of her stomach. “But if you want to go, then we can. I haven't been to one this season.”

  Mrs. Garcia smiles. She's obviously looking forward to this. In between eating, she continues to ask questions. “Where are your parents? Do they live around here? What do they do?”

  “They live a few hours from here and they own a realty company. We used to live around here, but they moved once I started college. I stay with a couple of teammates in a house they used to rent out.” I figured it's best to go ahead and give her all the information before she could ask.

  “What are y'all looking to do once the baby comes as far as living arrangements?”

  “We haven't talked about that yet, Ma,” Audra inputs.

  “Then what have you been doing?” She narrows her eyes at me first and then Audra, like we're doing something very wrong.

  “We've been trying to get along. I didn't exactly know him before and we didn't start off great. I'm pregnant, Ma. It's not like we're partying or going at it like rabbits.” I really don't feel comfortable, sitting here while Audra talks to her mom about sex. Audra takes a sip of water, clears her throat, and adds, “We need to get going. I'll call you later.”

  She stands, and I follow suit all the way to the doctor's office. While we're waiting, she apologizes for her mother.

  “It's okay. Are we changing our living arrangements? Where are you going to put the crib and all the baby stuff? Would you even want to live together? I guess it would be very helpful for those late night wake up calls.”

  “Wouldn't you want to stay at your place so girls could come and go as you please?” She doesn't say it to offend me, which is a good change of pace. Audra absentmindedly rubs her belly.

  “I'm sure if I wanted to sleep with someone, I'd go to her place now. I don't pay rent at my place and it's bigger, so...”

  She laughs. “I doubt your friends would like not only a girl in the house, but a baby too. Can we talk about this later, Neil?”

  “They could move out, Audra,” I tell her, refusing to stop talking about this. I'm here because I'm supposed to help her take care of our baby. How can I do that if she won't even talk about how we're going to do just that?

  “You aren't kicking them out. We don't even have to live together! Stop trying to push me into something, Neil. Stop trying to control the situation. You aren't in control, I am. So just stop, okay? Fucking stop already.” She's talking too loud and is getting too aggravated.

  “Okay, okay,” I soothe, wondering why she reacted so severely. I wasn't trying to be in control. All I wanted to do was start talking about this. Maybe she's in the middle of a mood swing or something. “I'm sorry,” I add in a soft tone for good measure, noting that she's still rubbing her stomach, looking highly uncomfortable. When she doesn't say anything, I repeat, “I'm sorry, Audra. I didn't mean to upset you.”

  Her shoulders sag just a little. “It's fine.” Her words are slightly clipped, so I drop the topic altogether.

  Thankfully, the doctor calls us back. I stay silent throughout her visit, not wanting to further upset her. When he does the ultrasound, I perk up a little. I definitely do not want to miss this. Once my baby girl is on the screen, Audra reaches for my hand and holds it. I don't think I'm breathing. How can I? It's breathtaking. I'm not even sure I pay attention after that. All I know is that as we leave, I have a picture of the sonogram in my hand. It feels like things are sealed now, more real, and as I gulp, I realize that I'm a little excited.

  Terrified and worried, but most definitely eager to meet my baby girl. Even if Audra does seem distant as we part for the day.

  I LOOK OVER my room, seeing what Maddie is seeing. My bed has been moved a little closer to the couch. Using my bedposts, the couch, and a lot of duct tape, I've formed a fort with blankets. It's too cold to actually camp outside, so this will have to work. I even have my iPod playing the sounds of crickets chirping and frogs croaking. The lights are off, but there are nightlights lit around the room to put off dim lighting. Plus, I found a bunch of Christmas lights and taped them to my ceiling.

  “What's all this?” Maddie asks with confusion.

  “We're celebrating my wins and your B. You said you wanted to campout and this is the best I could do without going outside.”

  She doesn't turn around or say anything. Instead, she moves forward to crawl into the makeshift fort.

  “Be careful,” I order.

  There is a plate of hot and fresh s'mores in there on top of two sleeping bags. I follow in after her on my hands and knees, wishing my bedposts were taller. Maddie has already stuffed her mouth with a s'more. She grins when she sees me, chocolate all over her mouth.

  “You are seriously the best, Winston.”

  I smile and take a s'more too. “I may have a hidden motive.”

  “Oh?” She raises an eyebrow as she wipes the corner of her mouth with her thumb before sucking off what it just wiped away.

  Clearing my throat, I nod, deciding to go ahead and ask. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

  “A date? You're serious?” she questions skeptically.

  “Thanks for your enthusiasm. Yes, I'm serious, Maddie!” Maybe this was a bad idea.

  “What happened to your 'can't we be friends' and 'you're Dave's sister' crap?” She's surprised more than anything.

  “Being friends with you is harder than I ever thought possible.”

  A slow smile takes over her lips. “You still want to kiss me, don't you?”

  She doesn't even know the half of it. Before I can answer, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out to see a video call from Dave. He hasn't talked to me lately because we've both been busy. He just had to choose the night that I'm with Maddie to call?

  “Don't make a sound,” I tell her, flashing my eyes up at her. Swiping my finger across the screen, Dave appears. “Hey, what's up?”

  “Where the hell are you?”

  “I'm ki
nd of in the middle of something.”

  “Something important?” he asks.

  “Everything I do is important.”

  He laughs and a glance at Maddie shows me she's pissed.

  “I'm sure. But fine. Call me later. I need your advice on something.”

  “Okay,” I say before ending the call. Maddie watches me without saying anything. “What?”

  “No. You wanted to be friends, Winston. That's what we are. You couldn't even let him know that I'm here now and you think you'll have the balls to tell him if we start dating? My answer is no. I can't believe you.” She shakes her head and starts to climb back out, but I grab her hand.

  “Maddie,” I start, but she interrupts me.

  “No, Winston! No. I refuse to go back to hiding a relationship, and it's not like I haven't forgotten what happened either. You knew I hated him calling me that. You didn't stand up for me, not to him, not to that other jerk either. You told me to leave! We had sex the day before and then you told me to go home!

  “You haven't asked how or why I lost that weight, Winston. Aren't you the least bit curious? Don't you want to know that after being humiliated by my brother, his friends, and you, that I decided I was sick of it? I couldn't tell anyone why I was upset. I couldn't tell anyone you hurt me or that we were over. I had to deal with that all by myself! And it's all your fault! So I started running and going to the gym to lose weight and to stop thinking about you!”

  Her voice softens. “Are you seriously so terrified of telling him? Are you that much of a coward? You said you loved me, but you couldn't even fight for me, Winston. Why would I want to go through that all over again? Why would you want to put me through that? You just proved that nothing's changed, Winston.”

  “Come here.” Placing the rest of my s'more back on the plate, I hold my hand out for her. She eyes my hand like it's a shark about to bite her before taking it. I pull her into my lap so she's straddling me. “I'm sorry, Maddie. I'm so sorry. I've hated myself for doing that to you and you're making things confusing now. I said friends, but we're slowly slipping back into what we were. I don't know what to do to make up for what happened because I can't change it. He's been my best friend since I was five, Maddie. It's like I was being made to choose between the two of you and-”

  “And you chose him,” she interrupts, her eyes watery. “You loved me, but you chose him, Winston.” The tears spill over before she rests her forehead against my shoulder, crying freely now.

  “I didn't want to,” I whisper. “I don't know why I did. And you know that I loved every inch of you. Dave was stupid. You didn't have to change because of him.” I turn my head, my nose hitting her hair as I inhale my new favorite smell. “I've missed you so much.”

  “It feels nice to be missed. If only it mattered.”

  I lean my head against the couch behind me. Either way, I won't win. Maddie shifts against me, and I know she's sitting up now.

  “I sort of get it, Winston, I do, but then again, I don't. You don't want to lose Dave as a friend, but you're willing to lose the person you're supposedly in love with? That doesn't make sense to me.”

  At this, I lift my head to look at her. “You don't think I love you?”

  She shakes her head. “You may have, but it wasn't enough then. That's all I meant.” After a pause, she adds, “Why on earth should I give you a second chance?” She places her hands on either side of my neck and rests her forehead against mine. “I want to. God, I want to, but it feels like it would be stupid of me to trust you again. And I meant what I said. I won't hide us. We're either in this all the way or not at all, Winston.”

  I place a soft kiss to her forehead, and before I can speak, she does.

  “You know, I used to think that you kissed me on my forehead because I was short and that was closer to you than my lips.”

  Chuckling, I kiss her forehead again. “You're partly right.”

  “So what are you going to do?” she whispers, watching me carefully, a wall already built in case I don't give her the answer she wants.

  “Dave's supposed to come up for one of my games. I could tell him then.” I can't believe I'm doing this, but I can't let her slip away again. We were damn near perfect together.

  “But you want to keep it hush-hush until then? Winston-”

  “Only because I want to tell him in person, Maddie.”

  “You really think he'll be upset? It almost feels like you're overreacting,” she tells me.

  “I know him better than you do. He won't be happy, but I can convince him that he should be.”

  She nods, seeming to accept it. With a small smile, she says, “You still haven't answered my question.”

  “What question?”

  She slightly puckers her lips. Oh, yes. Do I still want to kiss her? I lean forward until my lips are mere millimeters from hers.

  “What was your question again?” I steal her breath when my lips become a feather-light touch against hers. She blinks a few times, and I barely graze my mouth along her jaw and down her neck. “Your question, Maddie,” I remind her.

  The sound of doors opening and closing sound down the hall before we hear the shower running.

  “Who's here?” she whispers.

  “Probably Grant,” I answer. Maddie is surprised when I flick my tongue over her skin, kiss it, and then pull away. She swallows hard, and I smile. This is going to be a lot of fun. “You never answered my question either.”

  “I think we have the same answer.”

  “We do?”

  She nods. “Yes. Both answers are yes.” Maddie plucks the beanie off my head, tosses it aside, and then wraps her arms around my neck. “You're positive about this?” All it takes is a nod of my head, and she presses her mouth to mine.

  It's hurried and urgent and better than any of my dreams. My hand runs down her back before cupping her ass. She wiggles closer to me, kissing along my jaw before pulling my earlobe into her mouth and gently biting. God, she's going to drive me insane. When her hands go to my side and grab the hem of my shirt, I stop her.

  “Maddie, we need to slow down.”

  “One more.” She clutches my sides and kisses me hard one more time, like she said. “I've been thinking about that for a long time.”

  “Me too.” I kiss her forehead before grabbing her hips and lifting her out of my lap. “We need to get back to camping. Time for a scary story, don't you think?” I question, grabbing a flashlight to hold under my chin.

  WE WERE QUIET for a long time. While she was getting a change of clothes, while we walked to my car, while we drove to my house. I only talked upon our arrival to tell her where things are in the bathroom. I use the down time to think and analyze what’s happened. Sure, we’ve become friends of sorts. Lucy’s as comfortable around me as she is around her brothers. We have stolen moments where something changes or happens between us, but we haven't really acknowledged it.

  Today means something though. It’s a day where she’s usually with her brothers and has always been. Their reaction to her saying no made that obvious. This day means something to all of them, and they were none too happy that she was spending it with me instead of them. The fact that her oldest brother is going to make sure he sees her makes me think that whatever it means, Lucy is at the center of it.

  Which brings me back to the next obvious question. One that I may be able to ask. Why did she choose me? Why me over her brothers or her other friends? Is it because I’m the only one in the dark about the mysterious situation? Lucy plops down next to me on the couch, dragging me from my mind. Her hair is wet and in very loose curls around her shoulders.

  “Has the game started yet?” she asks, watching the TV for clues, but it’s on a commercial.

  “It’s about to.” Lucy scoots closer to me and presses herself into my side, resting her head on my shoulder again while holding my hand in hers. It’s an intimate gesture for her. It’s just enough to give me the nerve to ask. “Can I ask just one question
?”

  “I might not answer.”

  “Why me, Lucy? Why not them?” Straight and to the point.

  Lucy sits upright to look at me. She’s going to answer, and I’m going to listen to every sound that leaves her mouth. “I’m not sure I can explain it, Grant. My brothers have always made me feel safe, but you make me feel a different kind of safe and that’s what I wanted tonight. Not their safety. Yours.”

  The announcers appear on the TV and Lucy returns to how she was sitting before. That’s all I’m going to get. It feels like I got too much though. I make her feel safe? Why does she need to feel safe? There’s always so many questions surrounding Lucy. Who she really is under the surface, and sometimes, I think all she lets me see is the surface.

  That’s not entirely true. Lucy gives me more all the time. It’s just in small pieces, and I never know what to make of it or how to put it all together.

  “I’ve never met Corey before.”

  Lucy frowns. She must have thought we were done talking. I don't even know why I said that. It's not like I want to meet the guy. “He’s the worst of the three when it comes to me. Jon bothers you, doesn’t he?” I nod. “Then you definitely won’t like Corey. Can we watch this? No talking.”

  We’re back to the silence with the exception of the game on TV. She keeps squeezing my hand in hers every couple seconds. It’s almost like she’s making sure that I’m still here. She’s been doing it on and off for about twenty minutes now. When I squeeze her hand back, it catches her off guard, and she looks up at me, a small smile playing on her lips.

  “Thank you,” she whispers.

  “For what?”

  She lays her head on my shoulder again. “This.”

  We’re quiet again until midway through the second period. “Still don’t know what’s going on?” I ask with a hint of laughter.

  “Number 25 is about to score. That’s what I know.”

  I’m about to ask her what makes her think that, but I’m interrupted because he scores. Son of a bitch. How did she know that?

  “I could tell based on how he’s playing. I’ve learned a lot by taking pictures, even if I’m looking through the lens.”