Bracing the Blue Line

by Lindsay Paige

  “Either way, I'm not telling you yet.” Okay, so maybe I don't know where I'm taking her. I didn't exactly get past asking her out. And by the sparkle of excitement in her eyes, I know it better be a damn good date.

  “Okay then. You're going to have to get off of me, so I can leave though.”

  I move aside and she gets up and starts grabbing her things so she can leave. I watch her, seeing her comfort, her confidence, and her beauty move around my room. Now, I have to figure out where I'm taking her. Surely I can think of something from our childhood that she might like to do. People grow out of things like that, though. Why am I overthinking this? I've been on plenty of dates before, especially with Maddie. I don't need to think this hard about it.

  Maddie comes back to the bed, leans forward, and gives me a quick peck. “I'll see you later, Winston.”

  I PACE IN the living room much like I did the day Audra told me she was pregnant. I've been wearing a path in the carpet for over two hours now. Ever since I came home from class, this is where I've been. My phone is clutched in my hand while I wait for Audra to call. I hope she calls before my game. I won't be able to focus otherwise. It's been a few days, but today is when we find out the results of the paternity test. I believed her when she told me baby girl was mine. So why am I full of uncertainty now?

  It's all because there is one huge what if looming.

  What if there was someone else and baby girl isn't mine? Audra did freak out a little at her doctor's appointment when I was trying to get her to talk about things, so maybe I should be a little doubtful. I can't believe I'm freaking out about this. But I am because what if she's not mine? There will be no more quiet, secretive talks to a baby, my daughter. That one thought makes my stomach roll with anxiety and nerves more than anything else. She has to be mine.

  “You okay?” Grant asks as he walks into the living room and sits on the couch.

  I nod my head in a lie. Once Audra calls and confirms that she's mine, then I'll be okay. Until then, I'm fucked. Grant watches me pace, probably debating saying something more knowing him. Winston walks in and repeats Grant's question, sitting next to him.

  “I don't need a fucking audience,” I mutter as Bo enters the room, taking a seat on the couch as well.

  “Guessing you don't know yet?” he questions with curious glances from the other two.

  “Does it look like I know?” I glare. Just then, my phone rings and I answer it before the first ring can even finish. “Hello?”

  “I told you so,” Audra's voice smugly says.

  With a deep sigh of relief, I stop pacing and run a hand over my face. “Thank you,” I whisper in gratitude. She's still my baby girl.

  “Did you think she wasn't yours? That I was lying?” There's a tinge of annoyance in her voice.

  “No, but I was worried anyway. Just in case.” I glance at my peanut gallery. Bo has a small smile, and the others look confused.

  “Worried? That she wasn't yours?”

  “Yeah, I want this.” The guys still don't know, so I'm having to censor my responses.

  Audra is quiet before she asks, “Are you coming over, Neil?”

  “I wasn't planning on it because I have a game, but I can afterwards before work.”

  “No, that's okay. You should get some rest in first. I'll just see you tomorrow and you can bring dinner.” She sounds a little letdown to me. Or maybe that's wishful thinking.

  “Are you sure?” For some reason, I want her to want me to come over. I want to go. Maybe I'm in withdrawal or something because I haven't seen her nor spoken to her since the doctor's appointment. I must have really upset her with my comments. Who knows. I've pulled the sonogram out of my wallet so many times that it's already slightly wrinkled. The urge to pull it out right now surprises me, but I don't. Not with the guys watching me.

  “Are you sure you won't mind?” she asks. Before I can answer, she barely audible says, “I've kind of missed you, Neil.”

  It takes everything I have to swallow. I don't know if I should comment on that or not, but decide to sort of say something. “I know what you mean, and I'm positive I won't mind. Are you coming tonight?” She did tell her mom that they would go to one game.

  “Oh, no. Ma can't make it tonight, but we'll be there for your next one.” After a pause, she adds, “Thanks, Neil.”

  “You're welcome.” I hang up and face the expectant peanut gallery. “What the fuck are y'all looking at?”

  Grant laughs. “There's the Neil we know and love.”

  Winston nods. “Yeah, we were worried about you for a second.”

  Shaking my head, I don't bother answering them as I leave the room, texting my parents the results. Bo follows me into my bedroom though. It's tempting to throw his ass out because I don't want to hear whatever he is about to say.

  “You like her, don't you?”

  “I care for her because of, well, you know,” I finish, glancing to see that he left my door open.

  “You sure that's all there is to it? You haven't really said much about this and with your past with-”

  “I'm not going there,” I interrupt, sitting on the edge of my bed.

  “Does she know?”

  “Why would I tell her?” Seriously. Why in the hell would I tell Audra anything about that? The past is the past. I don't need to dig it up to inform her of something that has nothing to do with her.

  “I don't know, Neil, because it's a part of who you are! You are about to spend the rest of your life around this woman. I'm not saying you should do it for her, but maybe you should for you. Neil, you haven't been the guy I knew in high school since we came here for college. But that's who you become every time you talk about Audra. I'm just saying that maybe she isn't so bad for you.”

  “What the fuck do you know, Bo?” He's pissing me off with his advice and all this talk about the past. Things are fine as they are.

  “They're coming to the game, aren't they?”

  “Not this one, but the next one.”

  “Maybe it's time to tell the guys then.”

  I shake my head. Not going to do that. Not yet. Bo stands two feet away in front of me with his arms folded over his chest. I reach into my back pocket, pull out my wallet, and find the sonogram. I hand it to him wordlessly. His demeanor softens immediately. Quietly, I explain how I'm seeing things right now, “That's my baby girl, Bo. She and Audra are my focus. No one else matters.”

  He nods in understanding. “All I'm saying is that one day, you're going to want the Lanier's to meet her. Might not think so right now, but you're too close to them not to want to share that baby with them. One day, you're going to have to explain Sundays to Audra.”

  I hadn't thought of that.

  THREE OF THE longest days of my life passes. That’s how long it takes for me to hear from Lucy. I’m so relieved that I see her rather than get a phone call or text first. I'm walking across the courtyard, heading towards the library for a bit before the game, when I look up from my phone to see her walking straight towards me. Before I can say hello, she wraps her arms around my waist in the same breath-stealing hug as the last time I saw her. Lucy presses her forehead into my chest, squeezing tightly as I return her hug.

  “I’ve missed you,” she whispers.

  “You have?” God, it’s good to hear her voice and have her here with me. I tug her closer.

  “Yes.” Lucy pulls away, but it’s only enough that she can look up at me. She isn’t smiling and that’s not how I wanted to see her. “Didn’t you miss me?” she asks as if she would be upset if I didn't.

  “Yes, I did,” I reply honestly. Her lips lift in a smile. “I’ve been worried too.”

  “You didn’t need to, things are fine.” Things are not fine. I’m tired of being in the dark. Before I can tell her so, she changes the subject. “Can I stay with you tonight? I want to be around you, if you want me there.”

  “I have a game.” Her shoulders sag before I can even finish. “Pack your thin
gs, so you can leave with me afterwards, okay?” I wouldn’t tell her no, and I’m surprised that she hasn’t caught on yet that I have never told her no.

  Lucy lifts her arms around my neck and nearly suffocates me. “Thank you, Grant. Thank you so much.”

  When she pulls away, I kiss her cheek. “We’re going to talk. It doesn’t have to be everything, but something, okay?” She seems to think about it, so I try to explain why I need this from her. “Lucy,” I begin, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “You and your brothers were being weird all afternoon. They were upset that you were with me and not them because of something important. You cried and didn’t once make a sound. Then I wake up to you hitting me in your sleep, crying, and completely panicked.

  “Once Patrick got there, you left me. I was clueless and scared to death with worry about you. No one offered to tell me what was going on and you left, telling me not to call you. You even got someone to go take pictures for you. Something was wrong and you dropped off the face of the earth, walking away from me. We have to talk.”

  I hate that by the time I finish, she looks guilty. “I’m sorry, Grant. I didn’t even think about that.” She leans her forehead against my chest again as her arms go back around my waist. My fingers of my right hand dance up her back to her soft hair. Lucy sighs heavily. “I’ll tell you everything, but you have to promise me two things.”

  Then I feel guilty. “I’m sorry. Unless you really want to, don’t tell me. I shouldn’t try to force you to tell me because I don’t like not knowing.”

  “No, I want to tell you. You need to promise me though.”

  “Okay.”

  “You have to go with me somewhere and it has to be in two days.”

  “Is that it?” I could do that.

  “Yes.” After a moment, she hastily adds, “Wait. Let me stay with you until then. I don’t want to stay in my dorm. I want to stay with you.” A long puff of air leaves her mouth. “My brothers are going to be so mad with me.” Lucy looks up at me. “Can I?”

  “Yeah, of course.” Before I can ask why her brothers are going to be mad, she rests her forehead against my chest again.

  “I wish you didn’t have a game. I don’t want you to go anywhere. I've missed you and...I need you,” she whispers.

  A weight lifts off my chest. I’m so fucking happy she’s back. “I’m not going anywhere, Lucy,” I reassure her.

  “You’re going where I can’t touch you.” She squeezes me as evidence.

  “Oh, so you need to touch me? Mm. Why didn’t you say so?” I tease, just wanting her to smile. I suggestively run my hands down her back to her ass.

  Even better, she laughs and shoves me away playfully. “Grant, don’t go typical guy on me. That’s one thing I like about you.”

  I tilt my head. “You like that I don’t hit on you?” Not sure how I feel about that.

  “Well, I mean, that’s what makes you you.”

  “That’s not what I asked.” She needs to answer because I want to hear her say it.

  Lucy crosses her arms over her chest defensively. “We’re friends, Grant.”

  I pull her back to me, wondering if she truly thinks that's all we are. “I'm teasing, Lucy. Don’t go anywhere. I just got you back.” She wraps her arms around me again, and I feel her leaning into me as much as possible. “And your brothers won’t be mad. I don’t know why they would be, but they won’t be, okay? As long as you have Patrick on your side, you won’t need to worry about the other two.”

  “He’s going to be mad too. The other day, he understood. He won’t understand me telling you and taking you where we’re going. They aren’t going to like that I’m spending the time with you over them either. Once, they could get over. Twice? Not so much.”

  Sighing, I hook a finger under her chin to make her look at me. As I stare into her eyes, I wonder if I’m right in what I’m asking her to do. “You always leave me with too many questions.”

  Lucy gives me a small smile. “You can ask one right now, if you want.”

  “Why won’t they understand you telling me? Are you sure that you want to? Don’t let me sway you, Lucy. I don’t want to do that.”

  “That’s more than one question, Grant,” she teases. “I’ll answer both.” She looks solemn again. “I do want to tell you, but they won’t understand because we don’t tell other people. We don’t really talk about it with each other, but we’re always together. I’m going against both of those things by doing this with you. It’s what I want, though.”

  THAT GIDDY, HAPPY go-lucky mood is dead tonight. We lost, but it was a tough, well-fought game. It's better to go down fighting than to be on the ice like there isn't a hockey game in progress. So I'm not happy, but I'm not angry either. Only sore from a couple of hard hits and my mood is pretty mellow, really. I'm hoping Audra will still be in a good mood. I knock on the door and brace myself, just in case.

  She opens the door with a subtle smile. Her long, dark brown hair is up in a ponytail and she's wearing sweatpants and a shirt that engulfs her figure. Yeah, she's pregnant, but there's still a body in there. And besides, I like seeing her belly.

  “Hey, Neil,” Audra greets, surprising the hell out of me when she steps forward to hug me.

  “Hey, Audra. Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah,” she sniffs, not sounding okay at all. I lean back and cup her cheeks to see her eyes are a little puffy.

  “C'mon,” I say gently, taking her hand and tugging her inside. We go to the living room, and I see a couple of Kleenexes lying on the table. I pull her down next to me on the couch and turn towards her. “What's wrong?”

  “You're late.” That's all she says as if that explains everything. I am late because I forgot my work clothes at the house and had to go back to get them. So I'm only like thirty minutes late. Audra glances at me, sees my confusion, and starts rubbing her stomach, something I've learned she does when she's upset. “I tried to call you, but you didn't answer. I started to worry because I didn't know if you had gotten into an accident or got really hurt in the game or something and you suddenly died and then I wouldn't have any help and our daughter wouldn't have a dad.” Her voice cracks on that last word before she bursts into tears.

  I pull her into a hug and try to soothe her. “I changed my phone to silent before the game and I did text you to let you know, but it must not have gone through for some reason. I'm sorry I worried you, Audra,” I whisper into her hair.

  “I'm pregnant, you should never have your phone on silent,” she scolds through a hiccup.

  “Won't happen again,” I promise, wishing she would go ahead and stop crying. Hate, hate, hate seeing pregnant women cry, especially Audra. She pulls back, wiping her tears away, but I tug her to me again. “You look tired. Do you want to go lay down?”

  “No, I'm fine. How was the game?”

  “We lost, so it's good that you didn't go.” I chuckle. “Here, rest your head right here and lay down. You'll make me feel better.” I grab the pillow from next to me and place it on my lap. Audra rolls her eyes at me, but lays down anyway. “How was your day?”

  “Aside from my breakdown just now, pretty good. Yours?”

  “The same.”

  We're quiet for a few minutes before she speaks again. “When did you decide that you really wanted her?”

  I clear my throat to buy a little time, but I decide to be honest. “I don't know when exactly, Audra. It was just obvious today.”

  “We'll need to start childbirth classes soon.”

  “Okay.”

  “I'm going shopping this weekend too, if you want to go.”

  “Okay. That sounds like fun.”

  Audra laughs and rolls onto her back so she can look at me. “Really?”

  “Of course.” Okay, I don't like the idea of shopping itself, but I haven't bought anything for baby girl yet, and I do want to do that. “Saturday, right?”

  “Yes.” She reaches up, grabs my chin between her thumb and forefinger
and turns my head left and right a couple of times.

  “What are you doing?” I laugh.

  “Between you and me, she's going to be a beautiful.”

  I put my hand on her stomach and nod. “Yes, she will be.” Seeing Audra like this, I realize that there's something else I want. We need to talk more about how things will work after the baby comes. But there's something else. I don't know if I should bring it up or not. Hopefully, I won't upset her. This is all Bo's fucking fault anyway. I'll blame him if I do.

  “Audra, could I talk to you about something?”

  “Of course.”

  “I would like for us to at least try to be in a relationship, if that's something you might want.”

  She tries to hide her surprise, but she doesn't do a good job. “You want us to be in a relationship?” Audra asks skeptically. “For the baby, right?”

  I shake my head. “No, for us. I don't want only a parent-type relationship with you. It wouldn't be so terrible to see if there was something romantically between us, don't you think?” I want to roll my eyes at myself. That sounds so ridiculous, but I don't have the perfect words to explain what I mean.

  Audra is quiet for so dreadfully long. She watches me, obviously thinking about it. “I don't always say nice things to you,” she starts.

  “I know,” I interrupt, preparing myself for her to say something not-nice again.

  “And you still want to date me?” Her voice is soft, and I feel like there's something else she's worried about.

  “Yep. Without a doubt.” I might not be good with words, but I have no problem being honest.

  Audra slides her hands around her stomach and then rests them on her thighs. “I look like a whale. Are you just remembering what I looked like before when you look at me? Because I'm not getting that body back anytime soon. How are you even attracted to me right now?” She frowns like that is a seriously troubling question.

  “You don't feel attractive, Audra?”

  She shakes her head. “Not really.”

  Audra's beautiful. Always has been. I don't like that she's not feeling pretty. “Stand up. Do you have a full length mirror and some lipstick?” She nods, looking confused. “Take me to it.” Reluctantly, she does. After she grabs the lipstick, I place it on the foot of her bed. I'll use that later. Her room is tidy, but small. I position her in front of the mirror and she's right. Our baby will be beautiful. We look really good together.