She giggles, but doesn't get to say anything before we're standing in front of them. They mutter hellos to me and give hugs to Lucy before ushering us inside. We're seated at a round table, and I get lucky enough to sit between Lucy and Jonathan, my favorite.
“Are you doing well in your classes?” Corey asks her.
“Yeah, and finals shouldn't be too terribly hard. Are you doing well in your classes?” she teases.
“I'm doing fine,” he says with a roll of his eyes. He went on to graduate school, mostly because he can't play football anymore. This is the first time I've ever seen him be anything other than pissed, so it's a nice change. “You better be checking on those bozos, not me.”
At this, Lucy turns towards them. “Well?”
“We're good too, Luce,” Patrick laughs.
“Great.”
“How has football season been?” I ask, honestly wanting to have some input at some point of this conversation. Corey frowns and looks away while Patrick and Jonathan look at me like I've grown two heads.
“You don't know how the team has been doing?” Jonathan questions as if I should.
“Do you know how my team has been playing?” I don't follow football and I doubt they do for hockey, but Patrick laughs.
“Yes, we do. Luce tells us all the time about how the games go, and we have no choice but to listen to her yap about you and anyone else who impressed her.”
Lucy's cheeks flush red, making my grin widen. Before I can comment, Jonathan adds, “I can't believe she doesn't talk to you about us like she does to us about you. Not to mention, we have to see all the pictures.”
“How long have you been taking pictures?” I ask her.
She frowns and I almost wish I hadn't asked. “I don't really know why I love it so much or where it came from. I remember wanting to take lots of pictures of them at one of their games and I begged Grandma until she gave me the camera. There weren't many good images, but I loved doing it and haven't stopped since.”
The conversation halts as our waitress drops off our drinks and then takes our order. Once she walks away, Corey clears his throat.
“Mom. She got you started. The, um, year before, she gave you a little camera for your birthday and she taught you how to use it. I remember because any time you lost it, you thought we hid it somewhere and Dad would make us search for it until we found it wherever you left it.”
“Oh,” Lucy says sadly. “I don't remember that.”
“It's okay, Luce,” Patrick tells her, taking her hand since he's on the other side of her. “We all have things we don't remember.”
“Yeah, you're right. We're going to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas, right?” Lucy sneaks her hand under the table to hold mine, a simple, but important action. We haven't done a lot, which is cool. Lucy is like a slow and steady type of girl. She doesn't want to rush into things or do something if she's unsure. She wants to feel like she's ready first or like she has a good sense of direction about things, which makes sense to me. Even if it didn't, I still wouldn't mind.
“Actually, my girlfriend wants me to meet her parents,” Jonathan answers. “So I won't be going home.”
A moment of disappointment passes Lucy's face before it's gone and she's looking at Patrick and Corey. “Y'all are going, right? Grandma won't be happy if it's just me.”
“Yeah, we're going, Luce,” Corey reassures her. Our waitress drops off our food, and we begin to eat. “You're a goalie, right?” Corey asks, returning the conversation to me.
I nod. “I played a couple of other positions when I was younger, but I was better as a goalie and I loved being in the net, so it worked out.”
“He's really good too, Corey. You all should go with me to the game tonight,” she says hopefully.
“I can't. I already planned to go out with-”
“Your girlfriend,” Lucy finishes for Jonathan. “If you're spending Christmas with her, then I think you could cancel to spend some time with your little sister. She would understand, I'm sure.”
“Like you ditching us for Grant last month?” His words are clipped, so I'm guessing he's still not happy about that.
Lucy seems stunned and upset. “I...you said you weren't mad.”
Jonathan sighs. “I wasn't. I'm not. Sorry, Luce, I love you, I do, but we're not going to spend every holiday together for the rest of our lives. You should get used to that now. I'd do anything for you, you know that, but is it really a big deal if I rather to be with my girlfriend instead of going to a stupid hockey game?”
“No, I guess not,” she mumbles.
“I need to head back to school, so I won't be able to either. Sorry,” Corey offers.
“I'll go with you, Luce,” Patrick tells her. “If it's decent,” he jokes with a wink at his sister, “then we'll talk them into going to another.”
Lucy agrees and the rest of our meal is spent with the guys learning a little more about me. On the way to the library to study for a bit, Lucy is awfully quiet. Patrick's words from what seems like a lifetime ago run through my mind again.
'Lucy’s silence speaks loudly, and it’s rarely a good thing.'
I give her a little bit more time to see if she'll say anything. We manage to make it into the library and to my favorite table without her muttering a word. I grab the leg of her chair and pull her closer to me.
“Hey,” I whisper. “What's the matter, Lucy?”
She slides those bright blue eyes over at me, peeking underneath long, black lashes because she has her head angled down a little. “I realized how right Jon is. We won't always be together. They could go off, get married, and move God knows where, and we'll only get together once a year if we're lucky. I don't...” she pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues, “I don't know what I'm going to do without my brothers around all the time. Corey's already absent a lot from being in grad school and he's only an hour away.”
“You don't know that they'll move far away, but even if they do, it'll be okay. Just think about it like this. They'll be starting their careers and families, and you will be too. Even if they aren't nearby, you're their little sister and trust me, they aren't going to disappear on you.” My words don't seem to soothe her as much as I want.
“Yeah, I guess you're right, Grant. I went into worry-mode for a second there. Thanks for bringing me out of it.” She leans over to kiss me softly.
I used to think there was something delicate about Lucy, but I know now that there isn't. What can be mistaken for delicacy is more like reserved strength. She's not fragile. She's super strong. Her brothers must have taught her that. I only say that because Patrick seems the same way sometimes. Lucy's love for her family has no ends, and it's charming how happy she is when they are around. They may be overprotective at times, but she doesn't need them to be. She's independent with a quiet strength and presence. There's something about that combination that's overwhelmingly breathtaking.
She tilts her head, still close to me, as she runs a hand over my head from the front to back until her fingers are resting on the back of my neck. She loves to do that because she can feel how soft my hair is. “Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks quietly.
“Like what?”
“Either like you had a revelation or like you were so lost in your thoughts and you've just realized where you are.”
“Remember how you told me that I overwhelm you?” She nods, unsure of where this is going. “I realized you do the same thing to me.”
The corners of her mouth quirk up. “It's something else, isn't it? It's like suffering from pure bliss, only it's the best way to suffer.”
I HAVEN'T HEARD from Dave since he found out. It's odd not talking to him, but I don't have a lot of time to think about it between hockey, Maddie, and studying for finals. The only reason why I'm thinking about it today is because this is the weekend he was supposed to come up to see me play and hang out.
“Winston! Get your head out of your ass and focus!” Neil
yells familiar words.
Oops. I missed a pass. I run after it and Coach starts putting us through some drills. Part of me wishes Maddie would be here tonight, but she's going out with some of her friends, so I didn't ask. She doesn't really care for the sport anyway. She never has and I wouldn't expect her to become suddenly interested in it.
We have about fifteen minutes until we hit the ice for the game when my parents call me. They've been away on a second-honeymoon type trip to celebrate their anniversary.
“Hey, I don't have much time,” I answer.
“That's okay, sweetie. We wanted to let you know that we're back home. Have you been doing well? We've missed you,” Mom says.
“Yeah, things have been fine. Enjoy your trip?”
“Oh, yes. It was wonderful.”
“Good. Let me call you after the game, okay?” I tell her, not really wanting to talk to her at the moment. She's going to make me feel like spilling my guts, and I don't want to do that yet.
We hang up in the knick of time. Once I get on the ice, I feel a little lighter. This is where, no matter what's happening, life makes sense. At least, in this moment, it does. I know what I'm supposed to do in this moment. I'm a defenseman. My job is to do my best to keep the other team from getting the chance to score. We're off our game though. The hits are hard, in their favor, as are the shots. The only reason we're still in this 2-0 game by the third period is because of Grant. The score could be so much worse. We don't do much in the third to get the puck into the net nor protect our own and we lose 4-0.
I hate games like these. I really hate the feeling afterwards when we know we could have done better, but we didn't follow through. When I exit the locker room, Maddie is there with Lucy, who is waiting on Grant, I'm sure. My frown already marking my face deepens when I see Maddie. She looks smaller. How is that even possible? Surely, she hasn't lost weight. That can't be healthy for her height and overall size.
She grins when she sees me. “Smile, Winston. You get to be with me tonight,” she says once I'm next to her as she wraps her arms around my waist.
“That's the only good thing about today, that's for sure.”
“We'll see you later, Lucy,” Maddie tells her before dragging me down the hallway.
“Did you come to the game?” I ask once we're in my car.
“No, I just got here. Lucy told me y'all lost. Sorry.”
“It happens.” I debate mentioning her weight. Maybe it's her clothes that make her seem smaller. My mouth stays closed until we reach the house and are in my room. As soon as the door is closed, Maddie has her hands all over me, and we're undressing.
Sex after a loss always makes things better.
Until Maddie is laying next to me, and I notice that she still looks thinner. Clearing my throat, I decide to say something.
“Have you lost weight?”
She shrugs like she doesn't know. “Maybe. I've been running more. Do I look like I have?” Maddie smiles as if that would be a good thing.
“Yeah. Maybe you should eat more and run less. You don't need to lose weight.”
This time, she frowns. “I'm not going back to Fatty Maddie, Winston.”
I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. Fucking Dave. “You weren't ever fat, Maddie. Dave was a dick to call you that and you shouldn't have believed him so much. You were fine the way you were. It's not healthy for you to lose weight when you're already so little. I'm surprised you have weight to lose.”
“I was a little heavy, to say the least,” she protests.
“I don't care how much you weighed or how it might have looked because you're short. You were healthy, Maddie. That's what mattered. Did you ever eat lunch after we worked out the other day?” I've noticed that she'll grab something small, like a granola bar, for breakfast, but I always thought she would eat a big lunch, especially because that's what she said. I've tried to get her to eat breakfast with me, but she won't.
“No, I wasn't hungry.”
I roll onto my side to face her. “Are you still self-conscious about your weight, Maddie?” I question as gently as possible.
She rolls her eyes. “No.”
“You're lying,” I state simply. Maddie always absentmindedly pulls her lips into a subtle purse when she lies. Guess what her lips did right before she answered me? I pull her closer to me, holding her head in my hands. “I don't give a fuck that he teased you. You're gorgeous, Maddie. You were back in high school and you are now. But if you aren't eating like you should on top of exercising like a fucking maniac, that's not good. It's not healthy.”
That purse of her lips appears before she says, “I'm fine.”
“Don't lie to me, damn it!” I release her face and roll onto my back again, throwing my arm over my face. Has she been like this since the night we ended? Always struggling with a nonexistent weight problem because her brother was a fucking idiot who thought it was funny?
“What makes you think I'm lying, Winston?” It pisses me off that she's curious about this and deflecting from the issue at hand.
“You have a tell,” I snap. She wiggles on top of me and moves my hand. “You are the prettiest when you're healthy, Maddie. You don't look healthy to me right now,” I say before she can utter a word.
“Can we just drop it?” she whispers, kissing my jaw, trying to distract me.
“No.”
Maddie sighs, moves back to her side of the bed, and covers up. “Good night then.”
“Maddie,” I start.
“Good night, Winston,” she repeats more forcefully.
I sigh. “Night.”
This conversation is far from over. Once finals are over, she'll be out of reach until spring semester. I could hope that Dave notices, but I doubt he really understands what's going on with her. After tonight's conversation, I'm concerned. Maybe I should wait and see how things go once we get back. If things are the same, then I'll have to force Dave to talk to me.
IT FEELS LIKE so much has happened. Christmas is coming up. Thanksgiving, which was awesome, has already passed. I had the day off, so while everyone went home, I stayed at the house, relaxed, caught up on homework, and texted Audra. She and her parents traveled to her grandparents, so I was left here all alone. Can't say I didn't enjoy it either. It was much appreciated down time.
Audra has officially become my girlfriend, though the guys still don't know about the baby. They will soon enough if things go as planned. Things with Audra have been good. We've been going to childbirth classes. We're doing well in school, and we go out here and there. She's even going with me to dinner on Sundays sometimes.
We're supposed to go out tonight since we haven't seen each other much because I had some games during the week. Between losing last night and missing her, I'm ready to see Audra. Plus, tonight, I plan on asking her to move in with me. I'm over here early as usual.
“Neil? That you?” she calls from down the hall as I shut the door behind me.
“Yeah, babe.” Yep. I can call her that now.
“Come here please.”
I walk down to her find her in the bathroom. Her hair is down, sleek as it hangs around her shoulders. She's wearing a sweater that shows off her belly, but she hasn't put her pants on yet. Audra gives me a smile and kiss when I enter the room.
“Could you do me a huge favor?”
“What is it?”
She looks down at her legs. “Will you shave my legs for me again?”
I laugh. “You ask me that every time we go out. Do you think I'll end up saying no?” I ask, motioning for her to step in the tub so we can wet her legs like every other time I've done this for her.
“I don't know. I'm sure you get sick of it. I mean, I do and they're my legs.”
“I don't mind, Audra. You know that.”
“And that's why I lo-” She stops so suddenly that I look up at her, not even realizing what she was going to say until I do.
I keep my mouth shut, not wanting to make her uncomfortable if
she's not ready to say that yet. Hell, I don't know if I am. There's still that small, irrational fear in the back of my mind that if I ever utter those words again, something terrible will follow. We are quiet as we follow through our steps to shave her legs. We're almost done when I clear my throat. With her almost admission, I'm jumping the gun on my plans, but I can't help it.
“There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.” I cut my eyes over at her as she places a hand on her stomach.
“You have?” Her voice is too quiet, and it hits me that she may think I want to leave with her slip of the tongue.
“I want you to move in with me.”
Audra's eyes widen. “What? Why?”
I give her my best 'are you serious' look. “Babe, I stay here more than I do at my own place and your bed sleeps like shit. We're practically living together as it is. I just...” I pause, noting that she looks a little freaked out, something I was not expecting. At all. “Think about it, okay? My place is bigger, my parents won't make us pay rent because I'm not now, and I'll talk to the guys. It might be easier and better once the baby comes if we were living together, that's all I'm saying.”
She doesn't say anything as I finish working on her legs. We're about to raise a baby together and she's freaked out over living with me? Why? The longer she's silent the more instances over the past month pop up. Any time I try to take charge in any way, she stiffens a little and usually snaps at me like she did at the doctor's office that day.
“Hey, you know what,” she starts, trying to sound cheerful. “You haven't hung out with the guys in a while and I haven't with Mimi or the girls. Why don't we do that instead?”
Audra's canceling on me? After we've had this planned all week? After I shaved her legs? My heart sinks, which kind of surprises me if I'm honest. I was looking forward to going out, but if she doesn't want to, then we won't.
“Yeah, okay. I guess I'll go then.” I give her a soft, short kiss and add, “Text me later.”
She says she will, but for some reason, I doubt her. As I drive home, it hits me that my mistake was asking her to move in with me. I couldn't leave things alone and now, things aren't right between us. If she doesn't want to, then that's fine. As long as she and the baby are healthy, that's all that matters to me in the end.
Bracing the Blue Line Page 21