Bracing the Blue Line

by Lindsay Paige

  “Presents.” Thank God for gift wrapping services. I don't have the skill, patience, or time for wrapping presents. It works for secrecy too.

  Coming home to Audra brings out a new emotion. It's strangely satisfying and for a moment, I barely hesitate when I go to kiss her. Being honest and, for lack of a more manly term, following my heart has never been an issue for me. But this is an entire new level of commitment that I've never had to deal with. Candace and I were young and never got the opportunity to reach this point in our relationship.

  It's scary as fuck knowing that not only am I with this girl, but she's living with me and carrying our kid. We're bound for life no matter what happens between us. It's crazy to think about in such a large span of time. Am I ready for this? Probably not as much as I'd like, but as scary as it seems, I'm ready for it and I want it so badly. I wonder if Audra thinks about these things too.

  I set the presents underneath our tree and turn around, almost running into Audra, who was peering over my shoulder.

  She even tries to look surprised that I've caught her looking. “Did you give your parents the directions to the restaurant?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you tell them what time?”

  “Yes.”

  “Did you-” she starts, rubbing her belly.

  “Babe, everything is set. I didn't forget anything.” Audra smiles with relief and a touch of embarrassment. I ignore it and bend down to kiss her stomach. “Hey, baby girl. Tell your momma to leave Daddy alone.”

  Audra laughs. “Fine. Go get ready then. I do know that you need to that.”

  I chuckle and shake my head at her. She's right. I want a shower and a change of clothes before we go tonight. My nerves are higher than usual. All of us are getting together, plus the roads are supposed to freeze tonight. I don't want to drive in it, so hopefully, this dinner won't last too terribly long.

  After my shower, I dry off, hang the towel, and realize I didn't grab clean clothes. Without a second thought, I swing the door open and walk into my bedroom.

  “Oh! Sorry, Neil!” Audra covers her eyes with her hands, and I laugh. She's sitting in the middle of the bed with her back propped up on pillows that are leaning against the headboard. “Stop laughing!” she squeals as I go over to my closet. “I know it's nothing I haven't seen before, but I...don't want to ogle.”

  I freeze and slowly turn to face her. “You don't want to ogle?” A smirk rises on my lips. “You find me attractive, Audra?” I tease. “You know this body is all yours, right?”

  She peeks through her fingers and groans. “Get dressed already. Let's not think about all that right now when we're about to go meet our parents.”

  After grabbing my clothes, I walk over to her, setting them on the bed as I slowly start to get dressed. Quietly, because I don't want to upset her and I don't want her to think I'm only saying it for me, I say, “Sex is still an option, Audra.”

  As I slip on my t-shirt, the final piece of clothing, she drops her hands into her lap. “I don't want to. Big difference in being horny and actually feeling like having sex.”

  “Okay.”

  Audra scoots over to the edge of the bed and sits so her legs are dangling off. She reaches for me, pulling me closer as she wraps her arms around my waist and rests her head on my chest. “I need to change, but I wanted to give you a hug first.”

  “Why?”

  “Well, I was in here because your bed is so ridiculously comfy and I wanted to relax before we left. But...” she drags, looking up at me with a smile. “I think I could use a back massage later. A hug might soften you up since I'm really only asking because I want one. Not because my back is hurting.”

  “Hmm,” I hum, pretending to think about it. “We'll see how I feel after dinner.”

  “Okay,” she nods.

  Audra gently pushes me away so she can stand. She's about to walk off, but I grab her hand, feeling the urge to state the obvious. “I'm kidding, babe. You know I will.”

  “I know,” she winks.

  I roll my eyes as she goes to change. When she's finally ready, we walk out of the house, hand and hand, and leave for the restaurant. Audra's parents are already there and waiting when we arrive. I watch as they hug their daughter, smile, and then her mother hugs me before her father shakes my hand. Before we can sit, my parents walk in. Mom hugs me, but they shake everyone else's hand during introductions. I try to figure out if Mom was right about Dad as we all take a seat.

  The waitress holds off conversation for a few minutes as we order drinks and look over our menus for what we want for dinner. Mr. Garcia seems like the take charge kind of guy, so it doesn't surprise me when he speaks first.

  “Thank you for coming. We wanted to meet you since we're all going to be connected with this baby. My wife and I thought it would be nice to know you.”

  “Yes, you're right,” my mother starts, but my dad cuts her off early.

  “I'm surprised the Lanier's aren't here too,” he says dryly.

  And there it is. Audra's parents look confused as my mother chides him. It takes everything in me not to sigh.

  “Who are they? Why should they be here?” Mrs. Garcia asks, looking between me and my father.

  “Oh? Neil hasn't told you?” he says.

  “Excuse me, Mr. Lawson,” Audra starts, quite frankly surprising me by saying anything at all. Her stare is as cold as the weather outside as she bores her gaze into him. “But that is Neil's to tell. Not yours. If you don't want to be here, then leave.”

  “Audra,” Mrs. Garcia begins, probably about to chide her daughter.

  “No,” I interrupt. “Sorry, Mrs. Garcia, but Audra's right.” I turn to look at my parents. “We're not here to focus on our problems, which Mom assured me were no longer issues. So, if you don't want to know the other half of my daughter's family, then leave.” Facing my mother, I add, “If you want to stay, you can. You can sleep at the house and I'll take you home in the morning.” This is fucking ridiculous. One simple dinner, people. That's all they wanted. I feel Audra's fingers slip between mine while we wait for an answer.

  Dad finally shakes his head after what seems like forever. “Okay, I apologize, son, and to you as well,” he finishes looking at Audra and her family.

  “Thank you,” Audra says. “Neil said you two own a realtor company?”

  That starts our parents discussing their businesses for a while. Turns out, Audra's parents are looking to open another restaurant and my parents may be able to help them look for a place. We're about midway through our meal before talk turns to hockey, thanks to my dad.

  “Are you still going to pursue the NHL, Neil? There's no need in keeping your agent if you aren't.”

  “Agent? What is he talking about?” Audra asks.

  “Neil could be signed this year to play with the NHL. He has an agent who will hopefully be working on a contract in a few months. There's no telling where in the States or in Canada he'll end up. If he pursues it, that is.”

  At the mention of other places, Audra absentmindedly starts caressing her belly. Thanks a lot, Dad. “I don't know what I'm going to do yet,” I answer quietly. “I don't know what I want.” I turn to Audra. “That's why I haven't mentioned it to you yet. I haven't figured out what I want.”

  She's not happy if the frown on her face is any indication. “That might be a good reason to talk to me, Neil,” she says softly. “We can discuss it later, though.”

  “Have you figured out a middle name yet?” Mom asks to change the subject.

  “Well,” Audra glances at me, a sign that she's found one she likes, but hasn't mentioned to me yet. “Neil was joking around one night and mentioned Grace. Liana Grace Lawson sounds pretty, doesn't it?” Our moms nod. “Do you like it, Neil?”

  I lean over to kiss her temple. “Yeah, babe. It's perfect. Plus, her initials won't be LOL.”

  Audra laughs and that makes the night so much better than it was.

  WHEN WE FINALLY make it home,
Audra props her feet up on the coffee table and sits down on the couch with a sigh of relief. I lay with my head in her lap, feeling much the same way.

  “That went pretty well, don't you think?”

  “Yeah,” I answer, closing my eyes.

  Her fingers play with strands of my hair. “I hope she has your hair.”

  “Mhm,” I hum, feeling sleepier.

  “When are we going to talk about hockey?”

  “Later.”

  “Ooh! Head up.”

  I lift my head as she stands, probably going to the bathroom. I lay back down.

  “Neil,” a voice whispers in the distance. “Neil. Wake up!” she says louder, shaking my shoulder to jar me away. Audra is hovering over me, looking a bit aggravated. “About time. Come on, let's go to bed,” she finishes nicely.

  As we change and get ready for bed, I realize I never gave her what she asked for. “Babe,” I start as we slip between the sheets. “Did you still want a massage?”

  “No, it's okay. You need to sleep a bit before you go into work anyway.”

  “Fuck.” I reach for my phone having forgotten to set my alarm. After I set it, I finally relax, closing my eyes once more.

  “Good night, Neil,” Audra whispers.

  Turning my head, I open my eyes. She's seems so far away even though she's only on her side of the bed. “C'mere.” Once she's cuddled against me, I continue, “Everything will be okay, so don't worry, alright? We'll talk soon. Promise.”

  CHRISTMAS DAY IS finally here. Audra really loves the holiday. She could barely fall asleep last night as if Santa himself was about to climb through my window and surprise her. I was nearly asleep when she shook me awake again because we didn't make cookies. Not even kidding. So then I had to not only go bake cookies with her, but I had to quickly run to the store to buy what we needed to make them. We ended up eating all of them before we went to bed. It was more fun than what I'm making it out to be. Probably because I need more sleep.

  It's five in the morning and Audra wants to do presents. Seriously.

  “Babe, don't you want to wait until later? It's one present. Two, if you count Liana's. The sun isn't even up yet. Why are we?” I roll away from her, intent on going back to sleep.

  “Neil Lawson, get your butt out of bed right now.” She pokes me hard in the back.

  “This is crazy, Audra.”

  “Please. We're already awake.”

  Yeah, because she woke me up. “Fine,” I give in, knowing that she won't stop otherwise.

  She actually giggles with excitement. “Let's fix a cup of hot chocolate first. Good thing you bought some last week.” Only because she insisted.

  We head into the kitchen and start fixing us some hot chocolate. I leave her to finish as I go gather the presents together and put them on the middle cushion on the couch. Audra walks into the room with our cups just as I've grabbed a blanket for us since it's a little chilly in here. She puts the cups on the end table as I sit and then pull her into my lap, so she sits sideways. I lay the blanket over us and Audra hands me my cup. After we both take a sip, Audra places them back where they were.

  I reach for only one present and hand it to her. “This is for baby girl. I had them wrap it anyway.”

  She unwraps it as if she's an excited kid who has a big box to open. Upon seeing the stuffed toy duck, she says, “Aw, it's so cute. Once the guys get back, we can start on the nursery and put it in there.” Audra gives me a kiss and then sets it aside. “Your turn,” she tells me before drinking more of her hot chocolate.

  I grab the one she bought for me. When I tear all the paper away, I can't manage to find words. She bought skates that are sized for a kid.

  “It's more symbolic than anything. It doesn't take a fool to realize you love hockey and I think it would be amazing for you to pass that on to Liana. If she wants to be an ice skater or a hockey player like her daddy, then I'm all for it, as long as you're there if she gets hurt. Show her that it's okay to fall down, to get hurt, but to make her tough enough to get back up and keep going. You said you would, remember?”

  Swallowing hard, I nod. “I remember,” I whisper. She's given me something that I don't even know how to put into words, but it makes me fucking emotional. She took what I said and made it beautiful, made it a gift for me to give and teach to our daughter later. It's probably the best Christmas gift I've ever received. “Thanks, Audra,” I kiss her cheek and then hand her the last present. Her eyes light up even though it's only a card. She rips open the envelope, and as she sees what it is, I say, “This is for after the baby is born. Whenever you want to relax, you can grab a friend and go.”

  Audra stares at the card for a moment and then lifts her head to look at me with glassy eyes. “You...” She glances at the gift certificate again. “You thought about me for after our baby is born? Neil...” A tear spills over, and I wipe it away. “That's so thoughtful. Thank you.” She presses her mouth to mine, softly at first, but when I part her lips with my tongue, she wraps her arms around my neck. Audra pulls away entirely too soon and whispers, “I'm glad you are her father. I couldn't have accidentally picked a better man for the job.” Her lips quirk up into a smile.

  “Thank you for saying that. Now, drink your hot cocoa so we can go back to bed.”

  Audra laughs, but does what I've told her. I don't think I'll ever tire of that laugh.

  WE'RE TWO WEEKS into the new semester, and nothing has changed with Maddie. Although, she is hanging around me again, and she doesn't look like she's lost more weight, but she hasn't gained any either. Audra has made herself at home in the house and Grant and I are moving in with Lucy's brothers this weekend. Since this is Bo's last semester, he decided to stick through until the end. For now, we're sitting at the table in the kitchen, eating breakfast.

  “Hey, Grant. Let me borrow your phone.”

  He slides it over the table, and I pick it up. After putting my dirty dish in the dishwasher, I sneak off into my bedroom. I dial Dave's number and what do you know? He answers.

  “Hello?”

  “Don't hang up. This is serious.”

  Dave sighs. “What in the hell do you want?”

  “Don't you listen to your voicemails?”

  “Not yours. What is it?”

  “We need to talk about Maddie,” I tell him.

  “I don't want to hear about any trouble you two-”

  “Don't even start that bullshit, Dave. You need to listen to me because I need your fucking help. Maddie needs your help. I told you this shit is serious, so quit acting like I'm calling you to complain.”

  He's quiet for a moment before he speaks again. “Okay. I'm listening.”

  “Do you remember our senior party? Maddie showed up and we all ended up telling her to go home. You used to tease her by calling her Fatty Maddie.”

  “Yeah, she was a little chunky because of how short she is.”

  “Well, that fucked her up, Dave. That night is why she started running and exercising.”

  “What's wrong with that, Winston?”

  “Seriously? Did you not see Maddie at all over break? She doesn't eat enough and definitely not enough for how much she's exercising. It's worse now that we're dating, but she won't listen to me, Dave. When I bring it up, she shuts me out and says that she won't go back to being Fatty Maddie.”

  “Shit,” he mumbles.

  “Exactly. All I want is for her to be healthy and she's not. If she keeps this up, it'll be so much worse.”

  “I'll try talking to her. Apologize for teasing her and I'll tell Mom and Dad. If she won't listen to us, then maybe she will to them.”

  “Thanks,” I say, feeling better. I hope it makes a difference. We hang up and I go give Grant his phone back. If I don't hurry, I'm going to be late for class. Christmas with my family went pretty well. I told them I was dating Maddie and they were a bit surprised, but overall happy. I text Maddie in between classes, but I don't hear back until after lunch.

 
“Winston!” a pissed off Maddie yells as I turn to see her stalking towards me. When she reaches me, she shoves me as hard as her little body can, but it doesn't do much damage. “You told Dave?! Now my entire family is all concerned over nothing! How dare you!”

  “Calm down.”

  “No!” Her voice quiets down, but there's no denying the anger. “You do not get to talk about me to my brother. He is not your best friend where I'm concerned, so you are not allowed to speak to him about me, especially when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.”

  “Maddie.” I reach for her, but she steps away.

  “No. I have to go, but I figured there was a little time to let you know that I'm pissed.” She turns and walks away as fast as she can.

  Fuck. I run after her because I know her schedule, and she doesn't actually have a class to go to. I reach for her elbow, wrap my fingers around it, and tug just enough so she turns around to face me.

  “Let me go,” she softly demands.

  “No. We're going to talk. Right now.” I usher her towards the parking lot to my car. Once we're inside, I angle myself in my seat to face her. Her arms are crossed defensively and she's staring straight ahead. “Maddie, you wouldn't talk to me.”

  “That doesn't mean you can tattle to my family.”

  “Yes, it damn sure does. Just...tell me the way you see it then because I'm wondering if I'm part of the problem.” Maddie quickly looks at me, surprised. “You seemed fine before we started dating again. You ate, you exercised a normal amount of times every day, and you were healthy. Once we were back together, you went into overdrive or something. If you're more conscious with me, then I don't want to be with you. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you're gorgeous the way you are for you to believe me. So, if I make it worse, you need to let me know.”

  She glances at me again and sighs. “I know it isn't the reason why, but it was almost as if you wanted me to leave because I was fat, like Dave said. I didn't want to risk that ever happening again in the future with anyone else. And maybe you are right. I went a little overboard, but I want to make sure I don't lose you again,” she finishes in a whisper.