Amazing Grace

by Lesley Crewe

  We spend the next day touring the city, but poor old Nan is completely at a loss with the noise and confusion of the traffic and begs off after only a few hours. Melissa and Juni become the tour guides as I go back to the hotel with Nan. Once she goes down for a nap, I take a minute to put my feet up and am just drifting off when I hear a light knock on my door.

  It’s Trixie.

  “I came back as well. I can’t keep up with those youngsters.”

  “Is Fletcher still going strong?”

  “He’s leading the pack.”

  “That makes me happy.”

  “May I talk to you for a moment?”

  “Sure. I’ll order some tea.”

  We settle ourselves once the tea arrives with an assortment of sandwiches. Trixie is on her second cup before she begins.

  “I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately.”

  “All the excitement, I guess.”

  “No. It’s because of my mother. Ever since you told me about what happened to her, I’ve been feeling very guilty that I didn’t make her life a little easier. I was a mouthy brat who spent most of my life hating her for her weakness and her drinking. Now I’m ashamed of that. It was easier to blame her and pretend that everything was her fault.”

  “Are you sorry I told you? Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “No. The truth is always better. It’s just more uncomfortable for me.”

  “Listen, Trixie, you were a little girl who needed protection and your mother wasn’t able to provide that. Of course you resented her; she wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up about it now. When I was in her apartment I was so angry with her. I couldn’t believe she let herself down like that, and it bothered me that I was furious with her, but the emotions were real and needed to be felt. That’s all. Acknowledge it and let it go.”

  “It’s not easy.”

  “I know.”

  She looks out the window at the spectacular view. “I also want to tell you that I loved my husband. I know I said I couldn’t forgive him for dying, but I didn’t mean it. I just hated the world for taking him from me. Jesse was a good man, I never wanted anyone else.”

  “I wish I’d known him.”

  Her head goes down and her voice quivers. “It’s all my fault that he died. I’m to blame.”

  “I’m sure that’s not true.”

  “We were arguing about nothing, like you do when you’re tired and the kids are underfoot. I told him to leave me alone, to go get some milk or something. That’s why he was in that corner store. He saw a man start to beat his girlfriend and he intervened. If I’d just shut my mouth, he’d still be here.”

  She struggles not to cry. I get out of my chair and sit beside her, taking her hands in my own. “I know exactly how you feel. I blamed myself for my husband’s car accident as well. I know how it destroys you for a long time. It’s a terrible burden and ultimately does nothing but cause pain. You didn’t kill your husband any more than I did. Forgive yourself. Jesse would want you to. And think how proud he must be with the way you’ve raised his sons. You honour his memory every day being a strong mother. You are a wonderful person, Trixie. Even if your mother never said it, she knew it. Believe me.”

  Now the strong and sassy Trixie does cry. I’m sure it’s been many years, if ever, that she’s let herself be vulnerable in front of anyone. I rub her back and stay beside her, just to let her know I’m here. Eventually her tears dry up and she wipes her eyes with the linen napkin that accompanied our lunch.

  “Thanks,” she says.

  “Any time. Why don’t you have a hot bath? It’s my cure all for everything.”

  “Good idea.”

  She hugs me before she leaves and I have to pinch myself once more that she is my sister’s child. It feels like I’m hugging Maria too.

  That night Jonathan, Whitney, Melissa, and Juni stay at the hotel, along with Whitney’s relatives. The wedding is in the morning, beside the rooftop garden at the top of the Strand Hotel. There’ll be brunch after.

  We’re all up early. Melissa has arranged for a stylist to come to the hotel and do our hair and makeup. I think Trixie is more excited about this than anything else. It’s not often she gets to spend time doing girlie things. Jiao is also thrilled and it makes me happy to see them laugh together.

  “So how is Eugene Yokohama?” I ask Juni.

  She blushes. “We’re just friends.”

  “Tell her why,” Melissa smirks.

  “No reason!”

  “She likes Nate. Did you know that, Trixie? Juni likes your son!”

  “Hush up, Melissa!”

  “All the girls like Nate, so join the club.”

  “Speaking about boys, any new ones on the horizon?” I ask Melissa.

  “My career is too important. I don’t want a creepy boy tying me down.”

  “I’ll remember you said that,” I laugh.

  I help Nan get dressed in a pink suit I bought her in Baddeck. I also bought something new so Jonathan would be proud. The dress and jacket cost too much if you ask me, but I do look nice. Fletcher gives me a wolf-whistle.

  “You are going to be prettier than the bride.”

  “You are earning big brownie points for that, mister.”

  “Good. I love seeing you look so happy.”

  “Oh, I am. More than I deserve.”

  “You deserve everything, Grace.”

  “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Well, that’s true.”

  I whack his arm as we leave our room.

  Whitney is breathtaking in her fitted lace gown, and Jonathan stands proudly as he takes her hand. It’s a simple ceremony, over in ten minutes, and we all burst into applause as they kiss one another. Brunch for the forty or so guests is served swiftly and with great fanfare. Everything is delicious and Fletcher says he’s off his diet today as he heads for the waffle bar.

  About two hours later, it’s all over, but later that night we get together to go to a Broadway show and then dinner at an Italian restaurant downtown. Linn is at the hotel babysitting Sunni, so it’s a real date for Jeremy and Jiao, who spend the whole night holding hands.

  And seemingly in the blink of an eye, it’s over. We hug goodbye with promises of summer visits at the farmhouse and endless thanks for a fabulous time, all of us knowing that the next morning, we’ll be back in our usual routine, but with memories to last forever.

  When we fly into Fredericton, the boys give me bear hugs, and it’s torture to say goodbye to our little Sunni. I’m mad about this kid.

  Trixie holds onto me for a long time. We don’t need words.

  Back to Cape Breton, back to our humble abode, where a lot of pissed-off pets are ready to let us know that it was a pretty crummy trick leaving them behind. But they don’t sulk for long. That’s what’s so awesome about animals. Too bad humans don’t catch on.

  Poor old Nan is tuckered out. “I can’t imagine living in that city for more than a few days. It’s like losing your breath in the rush. Thank God I live in the country. I’m never leaving again.”

  Once more I head down to Harvey and Dora’s with gifts for their kind babysitting duties. “I hope one day we’ll be able to return the favour. You two should go on a cruise or something.”

  “I’d love to go on a fishing trip to Scotland,” Harvey says.

  “You would,” Dora grumps. “Why not Paris?”

  “I can’t speak French.”

  “You’re hopeless! One day I’m just going to leave and you won’t know where I am!”

  “Promise?”

  We have a hard winter, lots of blowing snow and blizzard conditions. We’re not used to it anymore. Our winters have been mild for a few years, the snow usually turning to rain. I’ve noticed the bad weather is getting Nan down. No one is travelling much on the road
s, and she has no interest in venturing outside, so she’s not seeing anyone. I mention it to Fletcher one night at supper.

  “She’s really down in the dumps. I wonder if I should take her to the doctor.”

  “Everyone gets a little low in the winter. Do you think it’s serious?”

  “I’m not sure. I’m going to keep an eye on her.”

  My afternoons consist of sitting with Nan doing my best to cheer her up, offering to play Scrabble or a game of Crazy Eights. She shakes her head listlessly. Not even Beulah makes her happy, and finally I make an appointment with her GP. She tells him she sometimes has chest pain.

  Fletcher is upset. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  “No sense in worrying you.”

  The doctor sends her to a specialist, who diagnoses her as having congestive heart failure, brought on by coronary artery disease.

  When we bring her home with her medication, she tosses it aside. “All these fancy terms. I’m ninety-three! I’m going to die of something. What difference does it make? If it’s not this, it’ll be something else.”

  “Don’t say that,” Fletcher says.

  Nan looks at the both of us. “I’m tired. I love you both dearly, but I’m tired. All of my close friends are gone. All that’s left is sitting in front of the television day after day. I hope and pray I die in my sleep. Promise me you won’t moan and groan when I’m gone. I’ve lived longer than I had any right to. I’ve spent decades without my husband and daughter and son-in-law. I’d like to be with them now.”

  Nan dies in her sleep two weeks later. Can someone wish themselves dead? Her heart was failing, but it was also breaking. I’m glad she’s at peace.

  We have a private funeral. I tell the family to stay where they are. Only Fletcher and I need to be there.

  It’s horrible coming home knowing the trailer next to us is empty. Beulah is also in a bad way. She knows something has happened and she spends her days looking out the window at the trailer. Sometimes I take her over to sit on Nan’s couch for a few hours. It’s good remembering how happy Nan was about moving up here on the hill. We shared some good times.

  It’s a strange feeling when your elder dies. It dawns on you that you are now the older generation. There are no more buffers between you and death. They say you get wiser as you get older, but I don’t feel any wiser. More grateful, perhaps. It took more than six decades for me to grow into my own. A slow learner, but I did get there.

  Nan’s funeral makes me finally come to terms with burying my sister. I call Trixie and ask if she’d like to come on a weekend and be with me when I do. After she agrees I realize I’ve been holding my breath.

  We wait until Easter. Nan’s little trailer makes a perfect guesthouse, which we hadn’t considered until now. Maybe everyone can come for the summer at the same time.

  Only Trixie and Fletcher and I are at the burial. The minister says his prayers over the grave and it’s done. Trixie doesn’t cry, but I see her shoulders ease when the ceremony is over. I have the same reaction. A great weight has been lifted. One wish I’ve had since childhood is fulfilled. I know where my sister is and I can come and visit her whenever I want.

  I take Trixie down to the farmhouse so she can see where her grandmother grew up.

  “This is beautiful.” We walk down through the field towards the water. “Why would she want to leave here?”

  “She was young. All youngsters want to explore the world.”

  “I wonder what would have happened if she stayed? A nice normal life, instead of dragging you and my mother around, putting you both in harm’s way.”

  “Who’s to say what would’ve happened? My Aunt Pearl called Trixie a hippy-dippy.”

  “An irresponsible hippy-dippy.”

  “She had her good qualities.”

  Trixie looks at me. “Sorry. I shouldn’t talk about your mother like that.”

  “All of us think our mothers have to be perfect, better than anyone else. It’s too bad we don’t see them as people until we grow up ourselves.”

  “The ones who get off the hook are the fathers.”

  “Do you know who your father is, Trixie? Have you ever thought about trying to find him?”

  “No, thank you. I have all the men I want in my life.”

  Fletcher has supper waiting for us when we get back. We spend a nice evening in front of the fire, and in the morning Trixie starts her long journey home. Before she gets in the car, she turns to me.

  “You’re the best. Thank you for seeking me out and not taking no for an answer.”

  “Sometimes being stubborn comes in handy.”

  Later that night she calls us to tell us she made it home safely. Fletch and I retreat to our chairs and watch a little television, Beulah on Fletcher’s lap and Tom and Jerry on mine. The wind is blowing a gale outside, but it’s warm and cozy in here.

  It doesn’t take much to make a person happy.

  Aaron James Willingdon is born on the first of May and is a healthy eight pounds.

  Personally I think all babies are pretty hideous at first, but it’s amazing how you ignore the misshapen head, stork bites, and rashes when it’s your own flesh and blood. All we see is blond fuzz, a button nose, and the most beautifully shaped lips.

  I resist the temptation to immediately fly to New York. The new parents need this time to themselves, and I can look at all the Instagram photos his father is posting. Melissa calls me in tears.

  “You should see how perfect he is! I honestly see a resemblance between Ryder and Aaron. Oh gosh, they are going to be such good pals. It almost makes me want to have a baby of my own.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course not! But he’s so cute!”

  After six weeks I can’t stand it and quickly pop down to New York. Aaron is beyond adorable at this point. His mom seems to be a natural, and Jonathan is an old pro. Holding Aaron in my arms is like Christmas morning, pure delight. He always falls asleep when I have him, so I’m allowed to hold him quite a bit. He and I rock together and I sing songs from The Sound of Music.

  I only stay for four days, which probably feels like four weeks to Whitney, but she’s a good sport. I make sure I run over to Deanne’s and make a fuss of Ryder too. Deanne tells me she’s pregnant again.

  “How old are you?”

  “Too old for a two-year-old and a newborn, that’s for sure.”

  “Doesn’t matter. It’s marvellous news. Make sure you look after yourself.”

  “I hope it’s another boy. I can’t imagine trying to raise another teenage daughter in my late fifties.”

  “Good luck, my dear. You’re going to need it.”

  Before we know it, it’s summer once more and the New Brunswick gang comes for two weeks to stay at the farmhouse. Melissa and Juni show up for a week and they stay in the trailer, though we spend most days down on the shore. I make big picnics and on really hot days Fletcher joins us in the water.

  Nate and Juni are still smitten with each other, but I pretend I don’t notice. Nothing ruins a romance faster than an adult catching wind of it. But Trixie sidles up to me one afternoon to whisper in my ear. “I hope she doesn’t break his heart.”

  “She might. It’s called life.”

  Nate is enamoured with Fletcher’s garage and can’t believe his good fortune when we let him drive the Pontiac a couple of times. He follows Fletcher around when he’s not teasing Juni.

  Sunni loves to splash in the water. Is there anything sweeter than a little one at the beach? Of course, we’re not the ones running after her. Her poor parents don’t get much rest.

  It’s such a pleasure to see Trixie relax. She actually looks years younger than when I first met her.

  As for me, I’ve never been more content. It’s like my whole life has been leading up to this moment.

  Which is w
hy I’m pissed off that my cancer’s back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  I think.

  I’m telling no one until I have some tests, and maybe not even then.

  My first clue is how tired I am coming back from meeting my grandson, Aaron. I did nothing the entire time I was there, but when I get on the plane to come home, a great exhaustion falls over me. I put it down to travelling, but when I don’t feel up to volunteering for the Red Cross, I get an uneasy feeling.

  Fletcher shrugs. “So what if you want a year off? You run around for them every year. Time for new blood to take over.”

  I still try to help out in the church hall, but I have an accident while making dinner for the community play. I pick up a large pot of cooked potatoes and can’t quite get it to the sink. Lucky for me the water splashes in the other direction and no one else is in the immediate vicinity.

  Delima’s beside herself. “What do we do now? Supper’s almost ready!”

  Gladys to the rescue. “There’s a huge box of Minute Rice here. We’ll have that.” She starts pouring the rice into another large pot.

  “We can’t have rice! We’ve never had rice!”

  “There’s always a first time.”

  Everyone says the rice is a nice change.

  It’s a beautiful September and Fletcher suggests we take a trip around the trail. “Maybe we can spend another night at the Keltic Lodge.”

  It takes everything I have to agree that it’s a great idea.

  When you’re in your own routine, you can get away with being quiet. Fletcher spends most of his day in the garage, so he’s not with me, but here in the car is another matter.

  “You’re not saying much. Not having a good time?”

  I pat his knee. “I always have a good time with you. I think I’m just missing everyone. It’s been such an incredible year, but with Nan gone, it feels lonesome.”

  “I know what you mean. The other day I heard some gossip and I started over to the trailer because I knew she’d love it and had to stop halfway there.”