Warrior's Moon cotm-5

by Lucy Monroe

  “Your mother died only a year later.”

  “Yes. She never saw Thomas shift.” Audrey took a shuddering breath, old pain Shona understood all too well in the depths of her gaze. Her friends had both lost parents. “I always believed it was grief at her passing that brought on his first transformation to wolf.”

  “And your father did not know of your nature, of your mother’s?”

  “Thomas did not even know about me, or what Mother had been, not…until his first shift. I nearly lost him that night. He did not know what was happening.” Remembered horror shone in Audrey’s eyes.

  “That is terrible. Why wouldn’t your mother have told him the truth? Why didn’t you?”

  “It is against Chrechte law. We are taught that protecting our secret is the most important thing. Nothing else compares. Not family loyalty, not the loyalty of a friend.” Audrey’s expression begged Shona’s understanding.

  Shona did not know if she could give it. “But he was her son!” And Audrey’s twin brother, though Shona did not point out that obvious fact.

  “And I was her daughter. I knew nothing of what it meant to be a Chrechte, had never even heard the word before my wolf nature claimed me. My first shift was nothing I want to remember, believe me. I thought I was beset by demons.”

  Shona had no words. How could a mother hide something so elemental from her children and cause them such terrible distress? How could she teach those same children to do the very same thing? ’Twas wicked, to Shona’s way of thinking.

  “At least Mother knew to be looking for my first transformation. She made sure that she was nearby when the full moon came. I believed my brother would never shift and so was not watching out for him when it happened. It was horrible for him. He did not know what was happening any more than I had, but there was no one around him to reason with him, to tell him what was happening was natural. He believed he’d gone mad with grief, was terrified he would kill. Had he known how to accomplish it, he would have ended his own life that night.”

  “Protecting your secret is one thing, but that is monstrous. How could your mother think such a thing acceptable?” Shona wondered almost to herself.

  “It was not Mother’s responsibility. It was mine and I failed my brother that night.”

  “You were but thirteen summers.”

  “What has age to do with it?”

  “Everything.” By the saints, how was Shona to keep her anger at a woman whose fear of discovery had led to so much personal pain already?

  Audrey let out an agonized breath. “I wanted to tell you so many times.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Mother made me promise, over and over again…that I would never divulge the secret of our natures. By the time I met you, it was ingrained in me to hide the truth at all costs.”

  “The cost was nearly your brother’s life. I cannot believe your mother wanted that.”

  “I do not think so, but she was most adamant. She left her pack to follow my father. The pack had disowned her, but she said they would come for her, and us, if we ever revealed the truth of the Chrechte. That they would kill us without a second thought if we betrayed them.”

  There was no doubt that Audrey’s mother had believed her dire warnings because she’d passed that unshakable belief onto her daughter. It was in Audrey’s tone and the way she held herself when repeating the threat.

  “Do you still believe you are at risk from that pack?”

  “I do not know. Mother told me so little. I look like her; what if someone from her former pack sees me and knows who I am? She thought they would rather kill me and Thomas than allow what they called half breeds to live. Her fear of them was great.”

  “Where is her pack?” The words were in Shona’s head, but she hadn’t spoken them.

  They’d been uttered in that deep masculine voice she’d heard only recently in the great hall.

  Vegar stood inside the door, his expression dark, Caelis behind him, his blue gaze seeking Shona’s. Shona refused to lock eyes with the man set on claiming her. She wanted reassurances that he would not have acted as Audrey’s mother had done, and feared she would not find them.

  “I don’t know.” Audrey was also refusing to look at Vegar, her gaze fixed on the floor in a way that upset Shona very much. “My mother was from a holding on the border, in the northeast. She spoke very little of her past.”

  Vegar’s expression darkened. “There is a pack made up entirely of the Fearghall and their females in that area.”

  “What are the Fearghall?” Shona asked even as she noted her friend’s face paling.

  Vegar answered, “They are a secret band of Chrechte intent on destroying all but the Faol.”

  Shona knew Faol as an ancient word for wolf. “You are saying other Chrechte are not wolves?”

  “Some are birds. Eagles, ravens and hawks,” Caelis said as he shut the door, closing the four of them into the room.

  “We are called the Éan,” Vegar added, his gaze never leaving Audrey’s bowed head.

  “You cannot be Éan,” Audrey whispered. “The Éan want to destroy the Faol.”

  “Your mother was Fearghall.” Vegar’s tone was not accusing, not like it had been when he’d called her English downstairs. He spoke as if his words explained Audrey’s.

  Perhaps they did, but Shona was still confused. Hadn’t Vegar said that the Fearghall wanted to destroy those not of wolf nature, not the other way around?

  “Women are not Fearghall.” Again Audrey spoke without looking at any of them. “If Mother had known Thomas would be a shifter, she would have sent him back to her people. She told me that once. He could have been made a Fearghall. Though she said the pack might kill him for having a human father regardless, even if he shifted. She still would have sent him and hoped,” Audrey said as if admitting a shameful secret.

  It was shameful, but not on Audrey’s part. The mother she and Thomas had idolized was very different than the woman Shona had always been led to believe she was.

  “Your mother did not know Thomas could shift?” Caelis asked.

  “No.”

  “Apparently it did not happen until after her death,” Shona added when her friend remained silent.

  Caelis nodded, as if that made perfect sense to him.

  “Your mother was upset you were the shifter and not him,” Vegar guessed, sounding disgusted.

  Audrey’s head finally came up at that. “Yes.”

  “The Fearghall are twisted in their thinking.”

  “She loved me,” Audrey claimed, but with not as much conviction as Shona had heard in her voice on previous occasions.

  “I am sure she did, but she was taught from early years that her value was diminished because she was born female.” Caelis sounded like he knew what he was talking about. “They would have shunned her for following her mate because he was human. The Fearghall are clearly strong among her pack and they consider it every wolf’s responsibility to breed with other Faol, no one else.”

  That explained Uven’s actions most clearly, and mayhap even Caelis’s willingness to repudiate Shona. It did nothing, however, to comfort her still wounded heart.

  Vegar rubbed his face, a sound of clear frustration mixed with disgust coming from him.

  Caelis gave the other man a wry look. “You forget sometimes.”

  “What does he forget?” Audrey asked quietly.

  “That I was once Fearghall, too.”

  “You were?” Shona asked, not happy with the confirmation despite her suspicions.

  She did not know enough about this secret society to understand everything yet, but what she’d gleaned did not paint it in pretty light.

  Caelis had said that those who called themselves by the name had believed others of their kind did not deserve to live. Even at her most angry, she had never considered Caelis ignorant or prejudiced in such a deplorable way.

  “You are disappointed in me,” he said to Shona.

  She nodd
ed, seeing no reason to deny it. “Vegar said he knew of a pack made up entirely of Fearghall.” And their females, but she did not see the need to repeat that distinction at that moment. “Which would imply that others are not.”

  “That is right.”

  “So you chose to align yourself with Uven’s twisted thinking.”

  “’Twas not merely Uven. He believed what he had been taught, as did generations before him.”

  “But you are mistaken in believing Caelis was given the option of not following the Fearghall’s ways,” Vegar inserted. “Had he rejected their teachings, he would have been killed as other Chrechte were before and after him.”

  A cold chill settled in Shona’s chest. “But you said—”

  “The MacLeod are like that English pack. The men are Fearghall, the women Chrechte breeders, supporting the men at the risk of shunning and much worse. Audrey’s mother was very lucky she was not killed by her former pack for deserting them.”

  Audrey gasped.

  Shona nodded her understanding, if not her acceptance and turned to Caelis. “You broke away.”

  “I did.” He did not sound proud, merely determined about that fact.

  “I am glad.”

  Caelis nodded.

  “It makes sense, though, knowing how easily you were convinced to send me away,” Shona mused.

  “I did not send you away.”

  “It amounted to the same thing.”

  “But that was not my intent.”

  “Oh, so you intended me to remain with the clan and marry another MacLeod?” she asked, finding that difficult to believe in the face of his possessiveness.

  “No.”

  “You thought I should remain alone?”

  “Why not? I have been.” He sounded put out, like a cantankerous child.

  “By your choice.”

  It was Caelis’s turn to make that warrior’s sound of frustration. “Yes, by my choice.”

  “Finally, you admit it.”

  “Is that what you need? Or will only the spilling of my blood do to assuage your anger at me?”

  “I am no god to demand a blood sacrifice.”

  “I do not know what you want then.”

  That was easy enough. “Your admission that you chose the path you took.”

  “I already admitted to error.”

  And for Caelis, that had been hard. But for Shona, it wasn’t enough.

  “You weren’t merely deceived. You were open to the deception because you believed yourself superior to me.” His jaw clenched, Caelis nodded. There was no doubt he was no happier to make this admission than the previous one.

  She could but hope that meant he no longer held such unacceptable views. “Your ability to transform into a wolf ’tis a magical thing to be sure, but it does not make you, or Uven for that matter, gods among men.”

  “I never said it did.” Frustration-laced shame surrounded her big warrior like a cloud.

  He had never said it, but he’d believed it. And mayhap Shona could forgive that, if he believed it no longer, but she would not pretend the blight on his thinking had never been there.

  Audrey looked at Shona then, apology in her gray eyes. “My mother did. She thought herself above her mate just as he believed himself of greater value than her. Mother called his wife and the children of his legitimate marriage ‘wretched.’ When I was small, I believed it was her own jealousy and pain showing because she was only his lehman, but once I learned the truth of our natures, I realized she truly believed them beneath her.”

  Clearly, her mother’s beliefs hurt Audrey.

  “You never showed her prejudices,” Shona soothed.

  “You were too kind to be less than me. I loved my half sister and half brothers and they cared for me and Thomas. I knew my mother had to be wrong. Her pack had rejected her for following her mate, but you accepted me as a cared-for friend when all others in your household looked on me as naught but a servant.”

  “I made few enough friends among the English,” Shona joked, wanting to lighten Audrey’s dark countenance.

  It worked and the blond woman smiled.

  “I have learned the wrongness of my thinking,” Caelis ground out, a smile nowhere in evidence on his features. “Uven is unjust in his thinking. He does not respect the ancient ways though he claims to live by them.” There was the pain of being deceived in Caelis’s tone, his expression tight. Vegar watched him with a compassion that surprised Shona, and Audrey with a fascination that didn’t.

  “Uven is a blackguard in every sense,” Shona said with all the conviction she felt.

  Caelis nodded, no protectiveness toward their former laird like he used to have anywhere in evidence.

  “But you are right. I allowed myself to believe and in so doing…I betrayed my true mate and broke sacred Chrechte law just as Thomas accused me of doing. Just as Uven has done.”

  She only vaguely remembered Thomas making such a claim upon his first realization of who Caelis was. She could see this admission was of great importance to Caelis, but it had little impact for her.

  “You could have ceased your explanations at your acknowledgment of wrong thinking. At present, Chrechte law has little regard from me.”

  “But if I had—”

  “No.” Shona put her hand up. “Right now, I do not want to hear more of this world I was kept ignorant of for so long. I have more important considerations.”

  Later, they had much to discuss. No matter how much she might prefer to avoid doing so. But not at this moment.

  Caelis frowned, his shock clear in the gentian blue of his eyes. “What?”

  As if there could not be anything more important than Chrechte law. It took all of Shona’s long-fought-for patience not to grind her teeth.

  That same Chrechte law had caused the people she’d loved most in her life to deceive her. She could be forgiven for not perceiving it as the great source of wisdom and knowledge Caelis seemed to do.

  “Friendship,” she said with no shame. “My dear friend and I have words we need to speak and they do not require the presence of two arrogant warriors.”

  “You are expelling us from the room?” Vegar asked, his own surprise even more acute than Caelis’s had been.

  “I am.” She nodded for good measure and stared pointedly at the door.

  “But I must speak to my mate.”

  “I am not your mate. Yet,” Audrey added when Vegar looked to argue. “Perhaps never.”

  “You canna—”

  “What I can and cannot do is of no concern to you right now, barbarian.”

  Caelis grinned at that, getting some kind of amusement out of his friend being taken to task. Warriors. There was no understanding them.

  Shona pointed to the door and gave both men equally hostile looks. “Leave.”

  “But—”

  That was Vegar.

  Audrey’s arm came up, her strength reasserting itself as she straightened her spine. She pointed to the door as well. “Now. We would have our privacy.”

  Caelis crossed his arms and leaned against the door, “Be reasonable,” he ordered, being anything but. “We have much to settle and not much time to do it in.”

  Shona crossed her own arms, the long velvet sleeves rustling as she did so. “That may be. I have only your word for the urgency of time, but this I tell you: I will speak with my dear friend before you and I have our discussion. She has been with me these past five years while you have not. The very least you can give us is a moment of privacy.”

  She thought Caelis would continue to argue, but he did not, his expression going from angry to sad to determined to stoic so quickly that each emotion passed almost before she could mark it.

  Finally, the big wolf shifter grimaced and nodded, stepping away from the door without another word.

  Vegar opened his mouth, as if to dispute the other man’s decision.

  But Caelis nudged the Balmoral soldier none too gently with his shoulder, his scowl and
the firm shake of his head shutting the other warrior up.

  Audrey added her own glare and Vegar relented. “Fine. We will go now. It is about time to practice our sparring anyway.”

  Shona and Audrey didn’t respond to that bit of posturing. According to Abigail, the man’s plans for the morning had included hunting, not sparring.

  Honestly, Shona simply did not care in that moment. She just needed time away from both brooding warriors and their demands.

  Caelis and Vegar turned in unison and left the bedchamber with no further argument. Though the look Caelis gave Shona as he walked out the door made her think he was hoping for her to change her mind and ask him to stay.

  She didn’t.

  Chapter 12

  The Faol were not created to exist alone. To share one’s nature with a wolf increases the need for companionship.

  —FAOL ORAL TRADITIONS

  Once they were gone and the door had been shut firmly, Shona turned to face Audrey.

  The Englishwoman busied herself putting the room to rights, folding Thomas’s bedroll and tucking it under the bed. “It is quiet surprising this Scottish laird has actual beds in his guest rooms.”

  “’Tis not common,” Shona agreed, no more eager than Audrey to attack the subject at hand. “Mayhap it is the influence of his English wife?”

  “Perhaps. Though even in England, only the most wealthy have multiple rooms reserved.”

  “They are not ornate,” Shona observed.

  Like the furniture in the great hall, the pieces in bedchambers were simple and functional. It was quite likely that against all expectations, the laird and his lady had guests far more frequently than the usual Highland keep. Audrey’s surprise, however, that there was furniture at all was more than understandable.

  “The keep itself is more formidable than I expected of the Highlands,” Audrey added.

  “I, as well.”

  Suddenly, Audrey’s face crumpled and tears showed in her eyes. “Is this how it will be now? Stilted between us?”

  “Saints above, I hope not.”

  Audrey laughed, the sound a bit watery. “I did not intend to hurt you. Or betray you.”

  “Would you have told me of my own son’s nature?”