Garret began dating Alexandra again. Initially, Adam protested. Alexandra then gave him her most don’t you dare say anything if you expect me to do this for you look. The wedding was scheduled for the second week in April. As the days passed, the enormity of the situation began to weigh heavy on Adam’s shoulders. Steve scheduled Adam to work extra hours at the restaurant, and Tommy sat down with his nephew to review all aspects of his new financial responsibilities.
Garret was ever present, and Adam was forced to grudgingly admit (only to himself) that even a teenage son, teenage bride, and baby hadn’t scared the man off. After what Adam was experiencing as his wedding date approached, if he were Garret, he’d run like hell.
The difference between Alex’s pregnancy and Kimmy’s was profound. Alex had worn her maternity clothes with pride. Kimmy refused to go into the maternity stores and have a look at the clothing she would soon need. During Alex’s pregnancy, shopping for nursery furniture and baby clothes was a fulfilling and delightful outing. For Kimmy, it was drudgery. There was no joy for the young girl, only fearful anticipation.
One day, Kimmy told Adam that perhaps they were making the wrong choice. Before it was too late maybe, they should consider adoption or abortion. Kimmy’s suggestion sent Adam to his mother for their first real conversation in weeks.
“How can she even consider such a thing? I won’t allow it,” Adam fumed. Alexandra sat quietly in her living room, alone with her son as he told her of his girlfriend’s second thoughts.
“You won’t allow it?” Alex repeated calmly. “Ultimately, Adam, the decision is Kimmy’s. She might discuss the options with you. But the final decision is hers.”
“How can you say that?” Adam demanded angrily. “I’m the father. I have rights.”
“Some people would agree with you.” Alex sat in the recliner, thoughtfully observing Adam, who stood in the middle of the living room fretfully pacing. “But it’s Kimmy’s body. Kimmy’s. I doubt when you conceived this child that you and Kimmy sat down and agreed on rights. If she wants an abortion, that’s her choice, not yours. If Kimmy wants to give the baby up for adoption, then perhaps you have some say. Yet, I don’t really think a teenage boy is the best option for the child.”
“You don’t want this baby, do you?” Adam accused. “You don’t care if she kills your grandchild? I thought you were against abortion.”
“Adam, I personally couldn’t have an abortion. But your father was the one who was adamantly opposed to them, not me. I can’t pass judgment on another woman. Each woman has to decide for herself. That’s just what I believe.”
Two days later, Adam’s anxiety over Kim’s change of heart was alleviated when Kimmy agreed to stick with their original plan. She simply could not bring herself to have an abortion nor could she imagine actually giving away her baby, never to see it again. In mid-April, the matter was taken out of their hands.
Kimmy lost the baby.
Alexandra and Garret were having a late lunch with Kate and Russell when they heard the news. Adam was at the hospital when he tried to contact his mother. When he was unable to find her at home or at the restaurant, he called his Uncle Jimmy instead of calling her pager number. When Jimmy wasn’t home, he called his Uncle Tommy. He needed to talk to a person, not a machine. Uncle Tommy promised to meet Jimmy at the hospital. Tommy contacted Alexandra by the pager.
Tommy was alone in the stark waiting room when Alexandra arrived at the hospital with Garret, Russell, and Kate. He was sitting in one of the three couches that faced an oblong coffee table; an unfinished jigsaw puzzle lay abandoned on the tabletop.
“Is Kim’s mother here?” Alexandra asked her brother the moment she came into the room. Kim’s parents were divorced and she understood the father lived over six hundred miles away. She didn’t expect to see him.
“No.” Tommy shook his head. “Adam hasn’t been able to find her. She left town early this morning and isn’t expected back until late tonight.”
“Where’s Adam?” Alex asked.
“He’s with her.” Tommy remained on the couch. Russell and Kate quietly took a seat on an empty couch across from him.
“I’m going to go see her,” Alex announced, then left the room with Garret.
For a moment, the three remaining occupants of the waiting room sat in awkward silence. Tommy leaned forward, sitting on the edge of the couch with his hands clasped together, nervously tapping them against his knee as he looked downward. Finally, he looked up and broke the silence.
“Kate, Russell, I’m sorry I was such an ass.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Kate said with a slight smile. “We’re used to it.”
Alexandra and Garret found Adam in the hallway outside the door of Kim’s hospital room. Obviously distraught and tired, the teenager glared angrily at his mother.
“I suppose you’re happy now,” Adam snapped at his mother, then turned his gaze to Garret. “And now you can have my mom to yourself.”
Without waiting for a reply, he turned and hurriedly walked to the open elevator.
“Adam, wait!” Alexandra called to her son as she anxiously looked from the elevator door, closing behind Adam, to the door leading to Kim’s room. She knew Kimmy needed comfort. The girl’s mother wasn’t there to give it. Yet, how could she allow her son to walk away?
Garret, sensing her turmoil, placed a reassuring hand on Alex’s arm. “Go talk to Kimmy. I’ll handle Adam.”
Alex looked into Garret’s eyes, unsure of his suggestion.
“Go,” he urged, giving her a quick smile as he nudged her toward the hospital door and then went to find Adam.
The damp auburn curls resting against the stark whiteness of the hospital pillow framed a face that looked no more than twelve years old. Wide green eyes edged in red and shadowed by dark circles born of fatigue and stress looked up at Alexandra. Giving the young woman a reassuring smile, Alex stepped to the bed and gently took the girl’s hand in her own.
“It’s my entire fault.” Kim’s voice trembled.
“It’s no one’s fault.” Alex patted the small hand.
“If I hadn’t thought about having an abortion…”
“Kimmy, that didn’t cause the miscarriage.” Alexandra squeezed the girl’s hand reassuringly. She released it for a moment as she pulled a chair to the bedside, sat down, and then reclaimed the hand.
“I’ve ruined my life. I’ve ruined everything.”
“Kimmy, your life’s not ruined,” Alex assured.
“My mom is so disappointed in me. She barely looks at me.” Tears slid down the pale face. “I lost the baby, and I feel so guilty.”
“Why do you feel guilty?” Alex asked softly. She continued to hold the hand, patting it reassuringly.
“I didn’t want the baby,” Kimmy whispered the confession. “But I didn’t mean to kill it.”
“You didn’t kill anyone. Miscarriages happen. It’s understandable that you weren’t thrilled about your pregnancy.”
“I’ve ruined everything. You must think I’m awful. My mother is so ashamed of me,” Kimmy sobbed.
“Listen to me, Kimmy.” Alex sat on the edge of the chair and stared intently at the young face. Her voice was serious. “All of us make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Okay, you and Adam made some wrong choices. We all do. But you haven’t ruined your life. This is just one of many trials you’ll experience. Learn from it and go on. Maybe you weren’t meant to have this child. But learn from it, Kimmy. Don’t dwell in the guilt or berate yourself for making the wrong choice. Use this knowledge to make better choices in the future.”
“You don’t think I’m awful?” The girl’s voice was small when she asked.
“I suppose I haven’t the right to pass judgments. I’ve made my share of poor choices.”
Kimmy looked into Alex’s face. For a moment, the young girl had forgotten about Alex’s affair with Garret. Reminded of the incident, Kimmy felt a bond with her boyfriend’s mother. They’d each made
mistakes, and in some way, knowing that gave the young girl comfort.
“You’ll get through this, Kimmy. As horrible as it might seem right now, believe me, it’s not the end of the world. I promise you.”
Alexandra stayed with Kimmy until the young girl fell asleep. She then went to the waiting room and told Russell, Kate, and Tommy that she was going for a drive; she needed time alone. As she was leaving the hospital, she paused a moment at the door of the gift shop, then went inside. After ordering a floral arrangement sent to Kim’s room, she impulsively purchased a bouquet of daisies and took them with her to her car.
Chapter 49
When Garret went after Adam, he was unable to catch the teenager within the hospital. He was just stepping off the elevator when he spied the boy exiting through the front entrance. Chasing after Adam, Garret cursed to himself when he watched Alex’s son drive away. Pulling his car keys from his pocket, Garret was glad Alexandra had insisted they each drive their own vehicle to the hospital. Hurrying to his Jeep, Garret was determined to track down Adam.
He found him at the high school sitting alone in the football bleachers. It was late afternoon, and the school grounds were empty. Adam didn’t hear Garret’s approach, but he didn’t appear to be startled when the man sat beside him on the bleacher.
“What do you want?” Adam asked, staring ahead, refusing to look at Garret.
“Your mother was worried about you,” Garret said quietly. “But she didn’t want to leave Kimmy alone.”
“She doesn’t care,” Adam accused bitterly.
“You know that’s not true. Your mother loves you.”
“What do you know?” Adam leaned forward, brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms about his legs. Leaning his forehead against his knees, he closed his eyes. “Why did everything have to change?” Adam asked aloud, speaking more to himself than to the man at his side.
Garret knew Adam was referring to his parents and not the situation with Kimmy.
Adam felt like a little boy again—a lost little boy. He wasn’t ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood. He knew that the instant Kimmy told him about the pregnancy. However terrified, he had refused to share his fears with Alexandra. She’d already disappointed him, shattered the image he’d always had of his parents, his home, his life. Was it all lies?
“Adam…”
“I want to know something, Garret,” Adam interrupted, his voice hoarse. “If my mother loves you, why didn’t she leave Dad for you? Didn’t you want her?” He still refused to look at Garret.
“I would’ve taken your mother in a heartbeat,” Garret answered.
“Then why didn’t she leave? Did she stay with Dad because of me?”
“No, Adam. Although you were a consideration, I don’t think she stayed with your father because of you.”
“Then why?”
“Your mother loved your father.” The words were hard for Garret to say, but he knew they were the truth.
“Why would she have an affair with you if she loved my father? If she loved me?”
“Adam, I believe your mother also loved me. Sometimes things happen that we can’t control. Didn’t you learn that when Kimmy became pregnant? I can’t imagine you meant for her to become pregnant, but she did.”
“That’s not the same thing,” Adam argued. “I’m talking about my mother. My mother.”
“Adam, if Kimmy hadn’t lost the baby, she’d be someone’s mother. Would that make her any less susceptible to human temptations and weaknesses?”
“But she didn’t want this baby. Her own grandchild. She’s probably happy now.”
“Maybe she wasn’t thrilled about the pregnancy, but she was going to stand by you. Help you raise the child if she needed to. She would have loved her grandchild. But did you honestly expect her to be happy with the situation? Isn’t that asking too much?”
Adam didn’t answer Garret.
“Were you delighted? Did you honestly want to be a father right now? Maybe what you’re feeling is your own guilt. Guilt because you’ve lost the baby that you really didn’t want. Maybe you’re the one who’s relieved.”
“You think I’m happy Kimmy lost our baby?” Adam asked angrily.
“No, I don’t think you’re happy. I do believe that somewhere deep inside you’re experiencing a sense of relief. And rather than dealing with that emotion, you’re blaming your mother. This isn’t your mother’s problem to sort out. It’s yours.”
“Would you really have stuck around if Mom was helping raise my child?”
“I love your mother, Adam. I couldn’t have her ten years ago. She belonged to your father and to you. I was forced to accept that fact. Believe it or not, I wasn’t happy when I heard your father died. How could I be happy when the woman I loved lost someone she loved? When a son lost a father? I don’t expect you to think much of me.
“Honestly, I seduced your mother over ten years ago. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it’s the truth. She was innocent, vulnerable, and had no idea of how dangerous our friendship was. I knew. And I took unfair advantage of the situation. In the end, I paid for it. I was the one who lived alone for ten years, missing the woman I loved while she was living with a husband that she loved.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I want you to stop being angry with her. Stop punishing her. We all make mistakes, Adam.”
Chapter 50
Randall Coulson, Garret’s grandfather, originally planted the long row of cottonwood trees that lined the narrow and forgotten street. Pale green leaves danced and fluttered in the treetops that arched and bowed over the cracked pavement. A road less traveled, used as a shortcut, a side street, running along the south side of the Coulson Cemetery. There were no houses along the road, no children on bicycles, and no joggers. There was only the soft, fuzzy residue from the cottonwood trees, blown and tumbling in April’s breeze.
There are no such things as coincidences. That’s what Alex would someday tell Garret when he would explain how he happened to see her car. Driving from the high school football field after his long talk with Adam to the Lucky Lady Restaurant in search of Alex, he decided to try a shortcut past the cemetery. He hadn’t been down that way in years.
Alex’s white Blazer was pulled alongside of the road, its right tires somewhat elevated as they rested on a hard, packed mound of dirt that began where the pavement ended. It was the only car in sight, parked near the rear entrance to the cemetery. Alex was nowhere to be seen.
Garret parked the Jeep behind the Blazer and turned off the ignition. Sitting in the car a moment, he wondered if he should wait for Alex or go search for her in the cemetery. He assumed she must be visiting Ryan’s gravesite, and this bothered him immensely. Ryan was dead and yet Garret continued to be in competition with his ghost.
After talking to Adam, Garret began to understand that if he were to continue his involvement with Alexandra, he could no longer settle for fragments. He needed to share everything. Being excluded from even a portion of her life was almost as unbearable as not having her at all.
Almost a year had elapsed since Ryan’s death. Garret wondered if that fact, coupled with the day’s events, had brought Alex to the cemetery. He stepped from the Jeep, resolving to stand beside Alexandra and support her even if it meant patiently waiting for her as she grieved for her husband.
Directly inside the rear entrance gate was an intercom leading to the cemetery office, which provided a directory service. Garret used it to obtain directions to Ryan’s gravesite. Tucking his hands partially into the rear pockets of his denims, Garret began to walk, his pace slow and thoughtful.
It was breezy with a promise of spring in the cool air. Rolling acres of freshly cut lawn surrounded him, with rows and rows of flat headstones dotting the landscape. He didn’t see Alex. In fact, there didn’t seem to be anyone here, save a lone groundskeeper, who was a distance from Garret.
He found Ryan’s grave within minutes. But
still, there was no Alexandra in sight. Perhaps she had walked up to the main office for some reason. He found himself standing directly over the grave, looking down at the oblong stone, coldly marking the existence of a life.
Surprised at his sudden surge of emotion, Garret felt a poignant sense of sadness for the loss of such a young man. Gusts of gentle wind brushed his face as he silently read the marker. The first line contained Ryan’s full name, the second line the dates of his birth and death. And the final lines simply read, “Beloved husband, father, son, brother, and friend. In everlasting love, we will remember.”
Garret wondered who had chosen the words for the marker. Incredible sadness and isolation filled him, sadness for Ryan, isolation for himself. Lifting his eyes, he surveyed his surroundings. Letting out a deep sigh, he removed his hands from the pockets and began a brisk stride toward the main office.
En route to his destination, Garret glanced to his right and noticed a woman standing beyond a grouping of oak trees. It was the older section of the cemetery. Many of the markers were standing monuments and headstones. He looked again. The woman was Alexandra.
Alexandra had been standing quietly at the gravesite for almost five minutes. In one hand, she held a bunch of daisies while her eyes fixed on the first line of the headstone. It read Sarah Maria Chamberlain. Over the years, she made frequent visits to her grandmother’s grave, finding comfort in her long, one-sided conversations. No one knew she did this. Not even Kate.
Yet, it had been almost six months since her last visit. After Ryan had died, Alexandra felt incredibly odd sharing her private thoughts with her grandmother when Ryan lay in another grave across the cemetery. Tommy would certainly laugh at her if she ever expressed this peculiar notion. Alex came today because she desperately needed her grandmother’s comfort and wisdom.
The pale blue and white print fabric of the cotton sundress brushed below her knees as the intensity of the breeze increased. Absently, her free hand went to her forehead, pushing from her face the strands of hair that had been swept into her eyes by the wind. Stubbornly, the hair continued to blow into her face, causing her to repeat the motion.
Coulson's Lessons Page 27