A Class Action

by Gene Grossman

  As the kid and dog approach the partition separating participants from spectators, a bailiff opens the swinging gate and the two of them start through. At the same time, out of the corner of my eye, I see Myra, Snell, and all the uniformed officers getting up and starting to follow the kid.

  I’m not going to bail her out of this one. She’s finally lost it. After they arrest her for this crazy stunt, it’ll take an enormous donation to get her into any decent college or law school, and I’m not going to come up with one cent in contribution. She’s going to get busted and I don’t care. She’s bringing it all upon herself, so I’m just going to sit back and watch. Actually, it’s kind of nice seeing her make a fool out of herself. I’ve been doing it for years, so it’s about time she learned what it’s like to fall completely flat on your face in a court of law, with everyone you know watching. It’ll be a learning experience for her.

  The show’s not over yet. Once through the rail, she and the dog slowly approach the other counsel table, and then it happens. The kid reaches down to the dog’s collar and removes a blue-backed piece of paper. She holds it up in the air and looks like she’s preparing to make an announcement of some sort. There’s a hush in the courtroom. By now, some reporters have come through the back doors, and cameras are at the ready.

  This isn’t possible. There are no cameras allowed in here. The kid nods towards the cameras and their battery powered lights come on, bathing her in the spotlight. She waves the blue-backed document in the air, looks directly at Eaton and says, “Alan Rosenbaum, I have in my hand a copy of the Grand Jury Indictment, calling for your arrest on the charges of the pre-meditated murder of Nancy Eaton, Estelle Berland, and Marvin Kupchic. In addition, you will be charged with federal crimes involving explosives.

  Larkin is sitting there in a state of shock. Eaton looks around like he wants to make a break for it. The kid shouts out “book ‘em boys.” At this point, Eaton jumps back away from her and towards the private exit that the judge uses, but it’s no use. The court’s bailiff is there to block him and the six uniforms grab him. They struggle him to the ground, and once he’s cuffed they drag him away.

  I’m standing up at this point, and as she and the dog slowly walk past me towards the cameras, I can see down behind her dark glasses that she’s winking at me. Myra, who is now standing next to me, tells me to close my mouth because it’s hanging open a little too far.

  On her way to the cameras for her moments of fame, she passes by Indovine and Mister Uniman. They chat for a brief moment and Uniman removes an envelope from his inside coat pocket and hands it to her. Next, she passes by Mister Berland, who also hands her an envelope. After collecting my bonuses, she walks out into the hallway to be interviewed.

  I still don’t believe what just happened here, especially without the judge walking out to see what the commotion was, so I go over to Mary, the court clerk.

  “Mary, would you please tell me how you succeeded in getting the judge to stay in chambers while this circus act was being performed?”

  “Oh Mister Sharp, that was no problem. The judge isn’t here today. He’s attending a judicial conference in Santa Barbara. It was calendared over a month ago.”

  “But I don’t understand. How could you schedule all of our appearances on a day when the judge wasn’t going to be here?”

  “There were no appearances scheduled for today. Your office manager called and asked if both sides could use the courtroom to discuss a settlement. I checked with the judge and he said it was okay with him. He wasn’t going to be here and didn’t care what went on, as long as you guys didn’t make too much of a mess.”

  I can see that the kid has been busy for the past few days. I wonder how long she knew about Eaton’s alleged double identity before clueing me in on it. I still don’t know if she’s right about it, but if she isn’t, we’d better find a new place to live, because Eaton and Larkin will own a nice fifty-foot Grand Banks.

  On my way out of the courtroom I stop to chat for a minute with Indovine and Uniman. Charles calls me aside and thanked me.

  “Peter, you’re a true gentleman. When your little office manager came by to pick up your bonus, she made sure to tell Mister Uniman that all your efforts were directed and supported by my office.”

  “No problem, Charles. Now that you know I can be trusted to do the right thing, maybe this could be the start of a nice business relationship. By the way, how come the both of you just happened to be here today?”

  “Oh, that was set up last week by the little one. We exchanged faxes until the exact terms of your bonus was agreed upon, and then she told us when and where to show up. She’s very good, you know.”

  I didn’t waste my time asking Snell what brought him to court today. The answer would no doubt have been a re-play of what I just heard from Indovine and Uniman. I’m sure that Snell’s main interest was in finding out for sure that there was no plan to harm the President during that parade.

  Almost at the same time that the uniforms are escorting Eaton out of the courtroom, another person comes walking in. Its Joe Morgan. He tells me that Myra arranged for all charges to be dropped but requested that he stay out of Eaton’s view until the arrest was made. I guess everyone was in on this show but me.

  Standing just inside the double doors is Myra, obviously waiting for the kid to finish her little press conference so that maybe the cameras will then turn in the direction of the District Attorney.

  “You were in on this whole plan, weren’t you Myra?”

  “If I remember correctly, you told me to handle it, didn’t you?”

  “Yeah, but I didn’t ask you to help me get blindsided. That brat went completely around me. She took over this whole courtroom, arranged to stage this event when she knew the judge would be out of town, and even went so far as to get his permission to use the place. She made sure that everyone involved was here, including my civil defense law firm client, his client, the FBI, you, uniformed cops, and the press. It would have been nice if you would’ve given me a little heads-up on what was going to go down here today. Maybe I would have worn my good suit.”

  “You’re right, Pete, it would have been nice, but there was only one way she was going to help us all out, and it was under the condition that it was done exactly the way she planned it, and that meant not saying anything to you. But while you’re complaining, you should face the facts. There was only a day or so remaining before Eaton would have gotten all the money and disappeared forever. If that happened, who knows what a jury would have done to your client Joe Morgan? Face it Pete, the kid saved all our asses, and it’s a happy ending all the way around, so stop whining about your ego getting bruised.”

  “Yeah, okay. Here comes the bailiff. Probably another little surprise the kid’s arranged.”

  The bailiff hands me a note. “It’s from that little Asian girl. She wanted me to hand it to you after she went out into the hallway.” I open the note and see that it’s another request for my services. “We need a ride home, please. Bernie and I took a cab here.” At least she said please.

  *****

  Chapter 18

  Why not? She’s already stolen the day, solved the crime, saved the insurance company and Berland’s estate, pulled Joe Morgan out of the fire, and confiscated a good portion of my bonuses. I’m obviously good for nothing else but being her chauffeur, so I might as well get used to it.

  There is the usual amount of conversation in the car on the way back to the Marina. The only thing I say is “nice job.”

  Her response is “watch my news conference when they broadcast it tonight.”

  She knows that I was in the courtroom all the while she was being interviewed by the press, and she wants to make sure that I see her entire performance. I know better than to ask her any questions, so I just keep my mouth shut and keep driving.

  When we’re just a mile or so away from the Marina, she points to one of our favorite Mexican Restaurants, the Pollo Meshuga, and says “pul
l up over there.”

  Now what? She probably wants to stop in for drink to celebrate her victory and my failure. I park the Hummer and leave the windows open for Bernie’s comfort, and we walk into the restaurant. By now, she’s shed the sunglasses, which I overheard her tell Myra were mainly for the bright lights from the camera. What a little ham she is.

  We open the door and enter the restaurant and are greeted by everyone we know, who all stand up and applaud our entrance. The kid purposely stalled during her press conference, in order to give everyone a chance to get here before us. We’re greeted at the door by Socrates Gutsue, who helps us all get seated. He tells me that Indovine’s firm arranged to have Joe Morgan promoted to assistant manager at the dealership. The assistant was moved up to take Eaton’s place, and Joe was given all the back pay he missed, plus a big bonus for the inconvenience he went through. It’s Joe who’s paying for the party, having worked it all out with the kid during the past two days.

  Once we’re all seated the crowd quiets down, and Hector turns the television sets to an English-speaking channel so that we can all watch the evening news.

  Naturally, what happened in court today is the lead story, and there she is on the screen, surrounded by the reporters with a bunch of microphones in front of her. She must have been coached by Myra for this performance, because she pulled it off perfectly. A bunch of questions were shouted at her, but she only made a brief statement. “Thank you all for coming, but I didn’t really do anything. I sat back and watched my legal guardian, attorney Peter Sharp, do all the work. With the help of District Attorney Myra Scot and FBI Special Agent Robert Snell, along with the financial and legal assistance of the Charles Indovine law firm and Uniman Insurance, all the facts were brought in, and I’m glad that they let a kid like me help out. I’m sorry for bringing my dog into the courtroom today. Peter and Myra told me it was against the rules, but he was with me during the whole case, and the cab driver wouldn’t let him wait in the cab, so I had to bring him in with me.”

  That was the end of the news conference. I even saw tears in some of the eyes in the room that evening. The most heard words from the reporters and onlookers included ‘adorable,’ ‘cute,’ and ‘bright little girl.’ If they only knew. I do give her a lot of credit though, for her political savvy. She knows that I front for the firm, Myra is the top law official in Los Angeles County, and Snell is the local FBI bureau chief, so she generously spread the credit around, and didn’t forget to let Charles Indovine share in it too. I’m sure that’ll bring us more business.

  I make sure to let her know that after the party she will either tell me how she cracked the case, or instead of bringing her back to the boat with me I will be dropping her off at the nearest orphanage, and leaving Bernie at the pound.

  We all party on for the next couple of hours until the kid reminds us that it’s past her bedtime, so everyone decides to call it quits. She even took control of the party. It’s wonderful to see how she can manipulate the world like that.

  On the way back to the boat, she tells me that a full report is waiting for me in my email, and that if it doesn’t answer all my questions, she’ll try to explain it to me tomorrow. Then, like the little drama queen that she is, she lets me know that “it’s been a long day. “Bernie and I have to go to sleep.”

  True to her word, there is a full report on my computer screen. It’s a short one, less than one page long.

  Peter:

  You did a good job of gathering the information, but the one thing you completely neglected was to dig a little deeper. Here’s what you missed.

  1.Eaton’s social security number was on his job application at the dealership, but you never ran it through.

  2. You knew that both Kupchic and Rosenbaum had arrest records, but you neglected to have the police agencies send you their mug shots

  3. You missed the fact that Eaton didn’t have a Car Salesman’s license, which means he was never required to have his fingerprints taken and put on record.

  4. You made a false assumption when Jack B. gave us that picture of Eaton, Rosenbaum and Kupchic. You mistakenly believed which one was Eaton, with absolutely no supporting evidence to back it up.

  I did all the things you neglected to do. The final solution to the case came when Eaton’s lawyer sent over the answers to the Interrogs you gave them. I knew that Eaton would have to sign them, so I gave them to Victor to dust for prints. The results were a match for only two people – Larkin, who was printed before taking the Bar exam, and Rosenbaum. That’s when I knew he wasn’t Eaton.

  With Snell’s help, we ran Eaton’s social security number through and discovered that Ralph Eaton was killed in action while serving in Viet Nam. The final clinchers were the mug shots of both Rosenbaum and Kupchic, sent to us by the Chicago Police Department.

  “I apologize for grandstanding the way I did, but you do it all the time and I wanted to see what it’s like.

  All things taken into consideration, I have to admit that she was right on every point. It’s all a matter of perspective, and if I didn’t have the responsibility of a capital murder case on my hands, maybe I would have done better. After all, the only thing she had to concentrate on was finding my mistakes. Still, she did a good job and I’m proud of her.

  Jack B. called and thanked me for the generous bonus he received in the mail, and Father McCormick called to thank me for helping Joe out of trouble.

  Mister Berland called to let me know that Joe’s licenses came through, so now he’s a licensed ‘powder man’ and can work on every type of job that his company gets, so he’ll be using Joe as much as he can.

  I never heard from the owner of the dealership, but if he ever sobers up long enough to read about the case, maybe he’ll call too.

  As for the kid and me, I guess we’ll just continue with our peaceful coexistence and she’ll keep on running my life and solving my cases. One thing that I did to try and maintain some level of control is to store the big bags of dog food in a cabinet up on the boat’s flybridge. She’s reluctant to use the access ladder, so she now needs me at least once a week to go up there and fetch for her.

  The mail was just delivered. I opened only one of the two pieces – it’s from Stuart, inviting us to an office party for the opening of his new private investigation agency. The other one I won’t open because it’s addressed to the kid. It’s from Harvard Law School.

  **********

  The Peter Sharp Legal Mystery Series

  #1: Single Jeopardy

  Attorney Peter Sharp has been wrongfully suspended from the practice of law and thrown out of the house by his soon-to-be ex-wife, a newly appointed deputy district attorney. As a result of the eviction, he’s forced to live in their back yard on an old, poorly wired, 40-foot Chris Craft cabin cruiser he’s restoring, that is in danger of burning up at any time.

  To make matters worse, as the result of trying to help someone fill out some claim forms, he gets arrested for conspiracy to defraud an insurance company. His alleged co-conspirator, a man charged with murdering his own wife to be with a beautiful flight attendant, is about to discover that Peter is also sleeping with her while the man is out of town.

  As Peter fights to get his law license reinstated, he discovers the secrets behind two murders, a fatal plane crash, and who framed him with the State Bar - all with the help of his legal ward Suzi, an adorable, quiet (at least to Peter) ten-year-old Chinese girl and her huge Saint Bernard.

  Peter also gets involved in matters concerning sexual harassment, vexatious litigation, double jeopardy, and a groundbreaking case of Negligent Nymphomania.

  *****

  #2: …By Reason of Sanity

  In his second Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp gets retained to defend a man accused of capital murder. The only things making this case a little harder to defend than most others are that the client’s acts were captured on videotape, he confessed to the police, and he wants to plead guilty. To make matters worse, the Distri
ct Attorney’s office has brought in a special prosecutor for the trial: Peter’s ex-wife Myra.

  While he’s preparing for trial on the murder case, Peter is also hired to represent an insurance company, to defend it against a man who slipped and fell while inside a bank that was coincidentally robbed later that same day. Peter thinks the case would have died when the claimant was murdered, but at usual, he’s wrong.

  In this adventure, while Peter is involved representing Vinnie, the prolific, peeing pornographer, he also helps solve several bank robberies by catching the entire gang, and makes the acquaintance of a new friend who runs an autopsy store - all with the help of his legal ward, the adorable ten-year-old Suzi and her huge Saint Bernard.

  *****

  #3: A Class Action

  In his third Adventure, Attorney Peter Sharp is retained to represent a man accused of murder, by the planting of bombs in vehicles. The client is also suspected of being part of a conspiracy to assassinate the President of the United States in an upcoming Fourth of July parade.

  With the assistance of his legal ward Suzi, Peter cracks the case, identifies the real murderer, and at the same time solves the mystery of a dead body found in his friend Stuart's automobile trunk... all while falling for a lesbian lawyer, winning a Will contest, breaking up a stolen car ring 4,000 miles away, and battling with his ex-wife, who has been elected to the office of District Attorney.