A Devil of a Date

by Long, Andie M.

  I cast my eyes around the place. The music system pumped out Taylor Swift’s Look What You Made Me Do, which to be honest could have been my signature song as a newly departed-from-Hell demon. The bar was two deep and Maisie made her way to the front, smiling at all the men who moved to let her through. More than one cupped her ass as she passed them but she didn’t try to bite any of them like I thought she might. She was like a cross between Meghan Markle and the woman who played Maze in Lucifer, which of course I had binge-watched as soon as I got back to earth. Some parts of it were quite accurate except Satan looked nothing like Tom Ellis. Anyway, I wasn’t surprised she got all their attention. Then there was me, tall with bobbed ginger hair. It had to be said that we were two hot chicks, hot as hell in my case.

  So it was no surprise that two minutes after we sat at a booth, two guys came to join us. We were in luck. Both were dark haired, dark-eyed and hot as sin.

  “Mind if we sit here?” One said, his brown eyes gleamed under the light. I heard Maisie purr and shot her a look.

  “Not at all. Please.” I gestured to them to take a seat.

  “We’ve not seen you here before?” The man - who introduced himself as Martin - said as he slid into his seat, alongside the other guy, Stan.

  “No, this is our first time.” I replied. “I’m Lucy and this is Maisie.”

  “And how long have you been together?” He asked.

  I stared at him. “Oh we’re not together. What gave you that idea?”

  He stared back. “You know this is a gay bar, right? Though I know you don’t have to be gay to drink here.”

  “Oh her face is telling me she didn’t know that.” Stan smirked at Martin.

  “Oh you didn’t think..?” Martin said and then started laughing. “Oh, Stan, she thought we were hitting on them. Oh my. Sorry darling, you look like a nice girl but if I had to see you naked, God, I’d barf.”

  Whoosh.

  Oops.

  “Arrrrgh, arrrggh, arrrgh, Stan, help me, Stan. My beard is on fire. Help me, help me.”

  I reached over and pulled his face towards his pint pot and immersed his charring beard in there. The beer sizzled in the glass.

  Stan sat there stunned. “How did that-”

  “The bloke behind you dropped a lit match. Disgusting really seeing as it’s no smoking in here. His foolhardiness almost cost your partner his life.” I said. Stan stood up leaving poor shellshocked Martin with his hand on his beer-soaked singed beard.

  I watched as Stan started threatening all the men behind him asking which of them had a match. Of course none were forthcoming, but one seriously objected to being accused of being an arsonist and threw a punch in Stan’s face, splitting the corner of his lip.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, what have you done?” Maisie said, her fingers touching parted lips as her blasphemy brought on another round of fireworks. The flames on every single candle in the building shot up a foot high scaring the clientele of the wine bar half to death. I was a fire hazard.

  “I objected to them drinking beer in a Prosecco bar. I mean how gauche.” I joked.

  “Let’s get home before you actually kill someone, Lucy.” Maisie scolded.

  She grabbed hold of my arm tightly, which of course would have looked perfectly natural to others in the bar and like I had a possessive girlfriend. However, they were all too busy screaming or running around hysterically trying to work the fire extinguishers. I was halfway across the room, attempting to reach the exit when I saw him at the back of the bar - Satan. He saluted me and laughed. I narrowed my eyes at him, before pushing people out of my way so I could get out. My horns - the ones that had been entirely dead - were tingling. I needed to do something fast as otherwise I feared I was headed back to Hell.

  “Why on earth did you bring me to a gay bar when you knew I wanted to find a date?” I yelled at Maisie, just outside the bar.

  She shrugged. “Can’t blame a girl for trying, but I accept now that you’re totally straight.”

  “I thought you liked Jason Momoa next door?”

  She nodded. “I do and I like Mrs. Momoa too. You must have heard the expression ‘not enough room to swing a cat?’ Well, baby, I swing all ways.” She winked at me.

  “Well, I don’t, so can we concentrate on finding me a man?”

  She sighed, “Fine.”

  I looked in the queue for the chippy. It was mainly families waiting, apart from one very small man at the end of the queue. I extricated myself from Maisie’s arm and walked over to him.

  “Are you single?” I asked. He wasn’t bad looking, with wavy light brown hair and he revealed a cheeky grin with good teeth. The smile made around his eyes crinkle and I noticed they were a lovely shade of green, almost like the palm plant I used to have on my windowsill years ago.

  “I am if you two are offering.”

  “It’s just me. Now are you really single? I’m in enough hot water with a man already. I can’t be doing anything else bad tonight.” Then I leaned over to him. “Apart from in bed that is.”

  “Do you know, I think I could forgo chips if you’re inviting me for coffee.” He said.

  “Can I just have a quick word with my friend?” Maisie yelled loudly, and she yanked me back.

  “What are you doing? You need to get back to the house, calm down and we need to talk about how we’re going to get you to stop setting everything on fire.”

  I shook her off me and whisper-shouted. “Once I find love it will stop. So I need to look. This man could be the man of my dreams.”

  “A four foot tall Pixie?”

  “Don’t be so mean. How come I’m the ex-demon when you say such nasty things?”

  “No, he is. He’s a four foot tall Pixie.”

  I blew out a loud breath. “I don’t care what he is. I’m taking him home so get ready to molest Mr. Smith’s penis tonight.”

  Maisie sighed. “Do you have your key?”

  “I do.”

  “Fine. I’ll be back in the morning and I expect that fish you promised me.” She stalked off.

  I fixed the Pixie with my best smile. “Shall we get that coffee then?”

  I can’t say I’d really thought things through. Walking through the street back to the house holding his hand - something which he’d insisted on - looked like I was bringing my eight-year-old son home to anyone walking behind us. When we got through the door, he had to climb on the top of the shoe cupboard before he was tall enough to lean over and kiss me. Oh well, as my dear mother used to say, we were all the same size lying down. I just hoped he hadn’t really wanted a coffee first.

  “Shall we?” I indicated down the hallway to my bedroom.

  “Yes, we shall.” He said, his voice husky.

  Opening the door, I was grateful I had my own bathroom. “I’ll just go freshen up,” I told him as I headed into my en-suite. “Make yourself comfortable.”

  “You got it, baby.”

  As I checked out my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I had it all worked out. We would fall madly in love and he would wear platform shoes with lifts in order to make him a little taller. Anyway, what would his height matter when we fell in love? I would love him for his beautiful personality, and I’d be able to be a perfect wife, living a normal life in Withernsea at long last.

  I walked out of the bathroom with a dreamy look on my face and then stopped at the foot of the bed, my jaw dropping open.

  Tristan, as I’d discovered he was called, was lying back on my bed naked. His legs splayed open. I couldn’t see his penis for the mass of pubic hair between his legs. A giant bush, it looked like tumbleweed had blown in and landed atop his cock. Maybe that’s why I was so fucking quiet right now.

  Where was it?

  Where was his cock?

  He patted the bed next to him and so I crawled alongside him wearing just my black lacy undies, worn in the hope of getting some action.

  I gingerly lowered my hand into his thatch and I shivered.

 
Sometimes to grab a tricky soul to take to Hell I’d been sent down direct to Withernsea’s graveyard where I had to shove my hand down through the earth until I could burn through the coffin. Then placing my hand on the body’s chest, I’d release the resistant evil soul. Now and again all you got for your troubles was a handful of grass and a worm, and that’s what I’d got right now. I fastened my hand around him and pumped, hoping he’d engorge, but he remained a worm, and this bird no longer wanted to eat it.

  “Your cock...” I started to note my disappointment but was interrupted.

  “Yes.” Tristan smiled. “We Pixies are known for our splendid members. It is good, yes?”

  I reassessed the worm. I guessed that in relation to his height the dimensions were quite good, but not in relation to my vagina. I let go and laid on my back pulling the duvet up around us so that I could pretend he was really six feet tall and that his feet didn’t finish near my knees. He moved astride me and shortly after started making groaning noises.

  “How is it for you, baby?”

  Whaaaattt? Was he actually inside me?

  I couldn’t tell. I actually could not tell and all I could think of was what if he impregnated me and I had a houseful of tiny creatures to look after, like my own living Trolls? I pushed him off me but hadn’t realised how hard until he landed on the floor at the side of the bed with a thud that released a dust cloud.

  “What the fuck, you lunatic?” He clutched at his back. “You nearly broke my spine, what’s wrong with you?”

  “I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work for me.”

  His face turned puce. “You do realise you were the one who invited me here? I could have been eating a fish and chip supper by now.”

  “I’m sorry… they still might be open?”

  “For God’s sake, there’s no wonder you’re single.” He spat out as he stood up.

  Blasphemy and insults combined in a volatile con-cock-tion as his pubic hair mountain burned off in front of my eyes.

  “Oh there it is.” I exclaimed in wonder, now able to see the little bird now it’s nest was gone.

  But it was only a fleeting glance as with a curdling scream, Tristan had picked up his clothes and dashed for the door.

  As it banged shut, I sat back, resting against my headboard.

  I needed Kim to find me a date fast because from now on I was only dating those the computer algorithm suggested and I was definitely researching supernatural men’s physical characteristics before I took any more to bed. I wondered if Kim could add a section about attitudes to manscaping to the application process?

  Chapter Eight

  Kim

  “So anything else I need to know on my return from annual leave?” asked Shelley as she sat back at her desk.

  “No, I told you everything at your house. Anyway, your people, the humans, are all behaving.”

  “Oh, I’m sure they won’t be. They like to complain when their first date doesn’t yield them wedded bliss. I get sick of reminding people we’re a dating agency, not magicians.” She said.

  “Except for you do have magical capabilities.” I mused. “I wonder if you could make people fall in love with each other?”

  “Nope. I’m a witch/wyvern cross not a fairy godmother. Now be a love and fetch me a coffee will you?”

  God, back one day and she was already bossing me about.

  “I have my own division to run you know? Those supernaturals can’t find their own dates, they need me.”

  “Do you want me to stay in this mood all day?” She quirked an eyebrow.

  “Do you want a chocolate doughnut with it?” I said, and backed quickly out of the door.

  I walked into Jax’s cafe. There was a queue of three people in front of me so while I waited I looked around to see if there were any familiar faces seated within the vintage inspired landscape of Jax’s. My eyes landed on his, and as if he could feel my gaze upon his face, Darius Wild, policeman and werewolf, stared right back from where he was sitting with a fellow officer.

  “It’s terrible form to stare at another man in the company of your ex,” moaned Frankie.

  “I’m not staring at him.” I snapped, "and hopefully you won’t be chained to my side much longer, even though I love you dearly as a friend.”

  “If you aren’t staring then why have you not noticed that not only did you reach the front of the queue but people have rolled their eyes at you and walked past you to get served?”

  “What? How long have I been here?” I gasped.

  “Ten minutes you’ve been staring at the animal.” Frankie said with derision.

  I walked up to the front of the queue and ordered coffees for us all and a chocolate doughnut each.

  I was staring at the other baked delights on display when I caught sight of a reflection behind me in the queue. Fuck, he was up close and personal.

  “Is that everything, Kim, honey?” Said Jax.

  “Yes, babes.” I replied about to hand over a tenner.

  “I’ll get those Jax, and another two teas please.” A husky voice barked out.

  “That really won’t be necessary.” I said, and despite my desire to ignore him instead I turned to face him.

  “Well, I insist.” Darius said. “How are you, Kim? Have you found me a date yet?”

  I sighed and was about to offer up my usual excuse of there being a computer problem still when my Siamese twin piped up.

  “Yes, the computer’s are all working now and we have your first date all ready for you. We’ll email you the details over later and you can finally start looking for your ideal woman.” Frankie announced.

  “Really? Wow. At last.” Darius said, a smile coming over his lips that I noticed did not meet his eyes. “I’ll look forward to it. I was wondering how you were managing to stay financially afloat with all the gremlins affecting your computers.”

  “Yes, all fixed now, so hopefully you’ll be all settled with a lovely fellow were in no time,” added Frankie.

  “Well, she doesn’t strictly have to be a were. A human woman would also be acceptable if she was willing to date me.” I couldn’t meet Darius’ gaze, so I made a point of picking up my coffee and doughnut. “Can you grab the others?” I asked Frankie.

  “Sure. Be seeing you around, Darius, thanks for the coffees.” Frankie added, helping me out in that all I had to do was nod my head in Darius’ direction and get out of there.

  We strolled back toward the office. “I don’t know why that man cannot get the message that you aren’t interested.” Frankie held the bottom of the stairs door open for me.

  “Maybe, because I don’t have time to tell him before my vampire friend interferes? Just a thought.”

  “I realise I’m being entirely selfish, but I can’t see any man wanting to go on a date with me as a third wheel so that about kills your love life for now.”

  “Yes, thanks for reminding me. Anyway, I don’t want to date right now.”

  I climbed the stairs, thankful that Frankie was behind me and couldn’t see the truth in my face.

  As much as I wanted to deny my feelings for Darius, the moisture pooling between my thighs said different things to my mouth. But my dating a supernatural had brought me nothing but grief and when I was finally rid of Frankie as my ever present companion, I was in no rush to have another supe around constantly. No matter how attractive I found Mr Wild and no matter how many minutes-come-hours I lost staring at him, (and I’d yet to discover why I went into a trance-like state around him and him with me), it just wasn’t happening, because I got the feeling he didn’t want just a date with me - he wanted more. So, as much as it pained me, I really was going to have to run his details through the machine and get him a date. But, just until I got used to the idea there was no harm in changing a few of his details was there?

  “Oh it’s so good to be back at work. Playing Cupid, being a Boss Babe and then going home to my man.” Shelley looked so happy it was actually nauseating, or was that down to t
he fact I was eating my third doughnut?

  “And your best friend, a vampire accident, and your mum ghost-in-law. Yeah, amazing.” I replied sarcastically.

  “You’re full of the joys today aren’t you? Stick your doughnut in your gob so it makes your voice stop.”

  “You do realise that the minute you’re up the duff, your lovely husband will want you to stay at home, don’t you? You know, your 127 years of age, old-fashioned vampire husband.”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “Well he married a modern day girl and just like his computer skills his woman handling ones must be updated. He works from home so actually there’s no reason why he can’t bring up the baby.”

  “The fact he killed his own family doesn’t worry you?” I asked honestly.

  She sighed. “No, because that was all to do with him being turned.”

  “Ah, so actually, it’s you who will need to avoid your child once you’re turned then?”

  Shelley went pale. “Oh my fucking God. I never thought of that. Kim, what if I don’t know what I’m doing and I drain my own baby, or toddler, or well, you get the picture… whatever its age is when I’m turned? I’d never forgive myself. Oh my God. What am I going to do?” She screamed.

  “Sometimes it’s like there’s nothing between your temples at all.” Frankie’s voice was full of scorn. “Expectant parents have enough worries about things they don’t know, without you adding to the list. Of course she’ll not drain her own baby. Even in the changeover, you’d be fiercely protective of them, Shelley.”

  “Really? I won’t try to eat it?”

  “No. Now please, haven’t you been around this one long enough to know to ignore half the crap that comes out of her mouth? Hell, why do you think I was only a fuck buddy? I didn’t want to actually have to converse with her.”

  “For someone who can’t leave my side, you’re being awfully impolite there, buddy.”

  Frankie looked glum. “Hopefully, Theo will manage to treat me and then you can be free to make doe eyes with the wolf all day.”

  “Oh no. Not again.” Said Shelley. “Why don’t you just bump uglies with him once and for all?”