Managed Hearts

by MacMillan, Jerica

  Hannah had her books spread around her as she divided her attention between the next day’s homework and the TV when her roommate Elena walked through the door. “Hey, chica. How’d the first day go at the internship?”

  Hannah pulled her head out of her textbook, her eyes slowly coming to focus on Elena. “Hmm? Oh, it was fine.”

  “Fine? That’s all?” Elena arched one dark eyebrow at her before she tossed her keys on the end table by the door, dropped her backpack on the floor, and took off her coat, tossing it on top of her backpack. She came all the way into the living room and flopped down in the chair, taking the pencil out of her black hair that held it in a bun and shaking it out over her shoulders. Putting her feet up on the end table, she leveled a look at Hannah. “You’ve been talking about this nonstop since classes started up again. Actually, you started talking about it around Thanksgiving when you found out you got it. And now all you have to say about your first day is ‘fine’?”

  Resigning herself to a potentially unpleasant conversation, Hannah closed her book so she could give Elena her attention. She’d been hung up on Matt for way too long, and Elena had listened to more than her share of Hannah’s constant need to discuss why he didn’t keep in touch. So bringing him up would make Elena … stabby. That’s what she’d said at the end of their freshman year and Hannah still hadn’t bumped into Matt on campus, that Hannah talked about Matt too much and it made her stabby.

  But Hannah had been gushing bout this internship at every opportunity since Thanksgiving. Just like she’d obsessively talked about seeing Matt again for far too long before eventually giving up on that idea. Ha. If only she’d known. Closing her eyes, she forced out the words, already cringing as she expected her best friend’s deserved response. “I saw Matt.”

  But Elena didn’t seem to pick up on who she meant right away. Her brows pulled together, wrinkles forming in the golden brown skin of her forehead. “Matt? Matt who?”

  Opening her eyes, Hanna gave her friend a pointed look, waiting for realization to dawn.

  Elena’s expression cleared, her eyes going wide. “Matt Matt? Your Matt? From that summer? Are you fucking kidding me?”

  With a harsh exhale, Hannah nodded. “Yes. Matt. From that summer. And no, I’m not fucking kidding you.”

  A smirk crossed Elena’s face. “Did you finally grow a pair and look him up or something? I thought you’d decided to move on and forget about him. How did this happen?”

  “No, I didn’t look him up. I moved on a long time ago.” Hannah threw her hands in the air. “It’s not like I’ve been sitting around here pining after some guy I met three years ago.” Not really. Maybe a little. Not pining exactly. More like … sometimes recalling that summer with fondness. And sort of wondering what ever happened to him. And thinking that none of the guys she’d dated since really measured up.

  “Fine, okay,” Elena conceded, but in a tone of voice that said she didn’t really agree. “But didn’t you break up with everyone you’ve been with since then pretty much because they weren’t Matt?”

  “No.” Yes. Well, that wasn’t always the reason. Or not the whole reason, at least. “I broke up with Derek because he was too controlling.” She waved a hand. “And the guys before that, well, whatever. It had nothing to do with Matt.” It definitely did, but she wouldn’t admit it. “Things just don’t work out sometimes.” Because none of those guys made her feel a fraction of what she felt that summer with Matt. “It’s not like I’m looking to get married already or something.” Yeah. That was it. And she wasn’t holding out hope for Matt exactly. Just the way he’d made her feel. Cherished. Beautiful. Sexy. Amazing.

  “Mhmm.” Elena’s face told Hannah she didn’t buy it. She held up one manicured finger. “The first guy you dated after Matt got his ass dumped for not being Matt.” That finger pointed at Hannah’s face. “Don’t argue, you know it’s true. After that, you’re right, you did give the guys a fair chance. And I’m not saying you should be married to any of them. God knows Derek wasn’t my favorite person either, I didn’t like how he weaseled his way into everything you did and then tried to tell you how to do it, whether he knew a damn thing or not.” She waved a hand in dismissal. “But that’s not the point. The point is, Matt set the standard for you, and no one else has measured up.”

  “Whatever.” Hannah huffed out a breath, ready to move on from this conversation. For someone who didn’t want to hear about Matt anymore, Elena sure was hanging onto this. Yes, Hannah was fully aware that she’d been hung up on Matt her senior year, hurt by the way he’d just stopped talking to her. And was it wrong to want to find the same spark, the same chemistry with someone else? But no matter how she looked, she still hadn’t managed to find that again. She’d dated plenty, tried to have fun regardless, spent time with guys she liked, but she never felt the same electricity that had been there with Matt from the first time they’d locked eyes. “Anyway,” she dragged the conversation back around to her internship, since that’s what they were supposed to be talking about, “he’s in charge of the interns at Eco Utilities. He gave the orientation for us today. So I’m probably going to be seeing him quite a bit.”

  “Holy shit,” Elena breathed.

  “Yup.” There wasn’t much else to say, after all.

  Elena stared at her for a moment, her eyes still wide. “What are you going to do?”

  “Nothing.” Hannah spread her hands. “Go and do the job I’m there to do. I’m not even sure he recognized me.” She’d gone back and forth a million times since she got home. Had he recognized her? He hadn’t acted like it. But really? After all the time they spent together, for him to not recognize her … her stomach dropped, her heart aching like her senior year all over again. The wildly swinging emotions caused by the internal debate had made it hard to focus on her homework. But she’d decided that if he really hadn’t recognized her, she wouldn’t clue him in, even though it hurt her to think he could just forget about her like that. It was better this way. Less awkward for everyone.

  Elena’s mouth dropped open. “No fucking way! What a jackass.”

  Hannah shrugged, trying to pretend it didn’t bother her. “It’s been more than three years. My hair’s shorter, I’m wearing clothes, for God’s sake, and it’s at his new job. He gave me a couple funny looks like he was trying to place me, but who would expect the girl they hooked up with years ago on their summer break to show up in their office? And at the time, I was planning on going to UW, so why would he think I’d end up here?”

  “Still, though,” Elena looked disgusted, and it made the ache in Hannah’s chest a little better to know her friend was incensed on her behalf. “You spent the entire summer with that guy. He didn’t even recognize your name?”

  Hannah shook her head. “It didn’t seem like it.” She got up and went into the kitchen, not wanting to talk about this anymore. Elena had already heard enough about the Matt and Hannah saga. And there wasn’t even anything between them anymore. That summer was ancient history. He’d already forgotten about it, after all.

  Making a big deal out of it would be stupid. She’d gotten over the guy a long time ago, and he’d clearly gotten over her. She didn’t need to dredge up stuff from a million years ago. That wouldn’t help her at this internship. And she’d worked her ass off to get it, not even applying for any others. She only wanted to work for Eco Utilities. Their company philosophy lined up almost exactly with her own. Her parents had made it clear that she needed to find “a real job.” Her environmental activism was a nice hobby, but working for a non-profit wouldn’t pay the bills. Working for a company like Eco Utilities, who combined smart business with caring about the environment, made for the ideal situation. These kinds of companies didn’t exist in very many places. She wasn’t going to fuck it up trying to see if some jackass who’d dropped out of her life remembered her name or not.

  After grabbing a soda from the fridge she went back to the living room where Elena still sat with her fee
t on the coffee table. “It’s not that big of a deal, really,” Hannah said, and she sounded like she was trying to convince herself, even to her own ears. Probably because she was. “Since he doesn’t remember me, I’m not going to bother reminding him about me. If he figures it out and approaches me, I’ll deal with it. But I’m there to intern with the marketing department and learn everything I can, and hopefully they’ll like me enough to offer me a full-time position after I graduate. I don’t have time for bullshit with some ex. Especially with Derek still bothering me like he didn’t get the message last month that we’re through. Hell, maybe I’ll even let you set me up like you’ve been begging to do.”

  Elena’s eyes brightened at that, and she sat up straighter. “Really? Because you know there’s this guy—”

  Hannah held up a hand, cutting her off. “I said maybe. It’s only Monday, and I already have a ton of homework, plus I have that thing with the Environmental Club on Saturday.”

  Elena’s brows scrunched together again. “I thought you weren’t going to do that this semester. You know, with a full class load plus the internship, you said you’d be too busy.”

  “I know.” Hannah flopped back on the couch. “But Derek started telling people that I was quitting because of him. There was this whole drama, and Courtney had me on the phone for an hour one night during Christmas Break begging me to stay involved. I couldn’t tell her no.”

  Elena gave Hannah a look like she might start lecturing her about standing up for herself, but Hannah held up a finger. “Don’t start.”

  Rolling her eyes, Elena sighed. “Fine. What about coffee tomorrow?”

  Hannah looked down at her books. “Um, I have a lot going on tomorrow.”

  “I thought Tuesdays and Thursdays were your light days. Don’t you just have one class in the morning those days and your internship in the afternoon? And you’re only there for like two hours a day. So, you should have time either after your class or after you get back from the internship.”

  Blowing out a breath, Hannah conceded Elena’s point. “Fine. You’re right. Tomorrow is pretty light. But I do need time to do my homework for Wednesday. Wednesdays are a lot busier.”

  “I’m just asking for an hour for coffee. You can manage that and still have plenty of time for homework.”

  Hannah sighed again. “Okay, fine. One hour.” She reached for her book as Elena pulled out her phone and started texting, her brown eyes dancing with excitement, her French-tipped nails flashing as her thumbs flew over the glass of the phone’s screen.

  After a few minutes Elena looked up, a triumphant smile on her face. “Done. We’re on for tomorrow at eleven at the Literary Bean.”

  Hannah wrinkled her nose. “That was fast. Do you have a whole lineup of these guys just waiting to be set up with me or something?”

  Now Elena shrugged. “No. But my friends all think they need to meet you. Everyone knows everyone in the poli-sci department and on the debate team, and you’re this mysterious person to them because they only hear stories about you from me and the couple of people who’ve met you. So it’s like a status thing for them to meet you.”

  Hannah’s mouth turned up in a sardonic grin. “You’ve got to be kidding.”

  Elena shook her head, her dark hair brushing her shoulders with the movement. “No joke. Crazy, huh?”

  Laughing, Hannah leaned back against the couch, letting her book close again with her finger holding her place. “So what’s the deal with this guy? Is he a debater or a poli-sci major?”

  “He’s on the debate team with me. His name is Josh, and he’s my debate partner’s roommate.”

  Hannah’s mouth twisted at that. “Isn’t your debate partner a freshman? You’re setting me up with a freshman?”

  Waving a hand in dismissal, Elena went on. “He’s a theatre major and a real sweetie. He’s cute too. I think you’ll like him.”

  “You’re coming too, though, right? I’m not just supposed to meet him and hold a rose or something so he knows who I am?”

  Elena rolled her eyes again. “No. I wouldn’t do that to you. Adam and I will be there too. It’s just a friendly get-together over coffee. You can meet him and see what you think. No pressure or anything.”

  “I can’t believe I’m letting you talk me into this.” Hannah shook her head and took a drink of her soda before opening her book again.

  Elena got up from the couch and started for her bedroom opposite the couch. She stopped and turned with her hand on the doorknob. “Just see how it goes. If you don’t like him that much you won’t have to see him again. And you’ll make his day regardless because he’ll get into the in-crowd of people who’ve met my roommate.” Elena threw a smirk over her shoulder before going into her room and closing the door.

  Chuckling to herself, Hannah returned her attention to her textbook. If she was letting Elena set her up on dates now, this would be an interesting semester on all counts. The guy she gave her virginity to at work, and a whole string of guys to check out through her roommate. All she really wanted was to lay low and get through it with minimal damage. From the looks of it, that didn’t seem likely to happen.

  Climbing into her car to head to her internship, Hannah shook her head as she relived the last hour. She’d just finished coffee with Elena, her debate partner Adam, and Adam’s roommate Josh. Josh lived up to Elena’s description—sweet and cute—but in more of a baby-faced way than Hannah preferred. And while he was tall, which she appreciated, it seemed like he hadn’t grown into himself yet, all gangly long limbs and a little clumsy, like a puppy who thought he was still tiny and hadn’t gotten used to his own size. Which made sense, as he was only eighteen, his nineteenth birthday still a month away.

  Elena had been right that he’d been eager to meet her, calling her “the fabled roommate,” like she were some mythical creature. Maybe that was what had put her off. Or maybe it was the sum of all the parts. While they’d had a pleasant conversation, and she spent the hour with them like she’d promised, she didn’t feel the connection that Elena had hoped for.

  Her phone buzzed in her cupholder, and she glanced down at the next stoplight to see a text from Elena. Twisting her mouth in a rueful grin, she called her back and put the phone on speaker.

  “So, what’d you think?” Elena asked as soon as she picked up.

  Hannah chuckled. “He’s a little young.”

  “He’ll be nineteen next month. That’s only two years younger than you. That’s not that bad.”

  “It’s not just that. He looks like he’s fifteen. People would think he’s one of my younger brother’s friends if we ever went out.”

  “So you’re thinking about going out with him?”

  That provoked a full-on laugh. “Not even close.”

  “Why not?” Elena protested. “He’s sweet. I thought you were enjoying yourself.”

  “He is sweet,” Hannah agreed. “But I’m not attracted to him.” No sense beating around the bush. Elena was a champion debater. If she tried to give more reasons, Elena would see it as an opening and start debating with her. Hannah had learned a long time ago that she couldn’t possibly beat Elena in a debate so it was best to just stick to clear statements of fact and repeat them until Elena gave up.

  “You promised to give him a chance.” Elena almost sounded like she was pouting.

  “No. I promised to meet him for coffee. I promised an hour. I never promised to go on a real date with him. If you want to set me up on a date, find someone who looks like he’s old enough to vote.”

  Elena snorted. “Fine. We’re going out this weekend. We’ll find some hot guys to take us home and make us feel like the beautiful women we are.”

  Hannah rolled her eyes. “You want to go out trolling for men?”

  “You don’t like any of the guys I’m friends with enough to date them, so that doesn’t leave many options. And I still remember how wrecked you were after you spent time with Matt before. We don’t need to go there again. You�
�re in the danger zone, chica, and we need to get you with a new guy before the old one reels you back in.”

  “He doesn’t even remember who I am,” Hanna grumbled. “I don’t think that’s likely to happen.”

  “Even so. You guys both liked each other before. Unless he’s morphed into a disgusting hairy guy who doesn’t bathe regularly, you still find him attractive. And you’ve only gotten hotter in the last few years. I’ve seen the outfits you wear to work. Your tastes haven’t changed much over the last few years. I doubt his have either.”

  Hannah couldn’t help laughing at Elena’s assessment of the situation. “Okay, fine. But if you know my tastes then why did you set me up with Josh? He’s not even close to my usual type.”

  “I figured it was worth a try. Most of the guys I know are in long-term serious relationships or they’re freshmen. The choices are limited.”

  “Alright. I’m here, so I gotta go.”

  “Stay away from hot surfer dudes at work, and start psyching yourself up for Friday.”

  Hannah rolled her eyes again and shook her head. “Right. I’ll remind myself of all the reasons you’re my best friend so I don’t want to kill you when we’re at a club getting groped by random old guys.”

  Elena clicked her tongue. “There’s no pleasing you, is there? They’re either too young or too old. Quit being Goldilocks. We’re not trying to get you hitched, just have some fun and enjoy being young, me entiende?”

  “Sí, pues. Alright, I really have to go or I’m going to be late.”

  “Fine. Later.”

  Hannah got out of the car, locking it behind her and stuffing her hands in her pockets, chuckling to herself as she walked into the building. Elena did have a good point about avoiding Matt, though. Memories from their summer together had been playing in her head since yesterday. If she didn’t want to go there again, and with the way it ended she didn’t think she did, then she needed to be sure to stay away from him as much as possible.