by Hannah Ford
Jake nodded. “He’s right. It’s good. This is the way to go.”
Raven felt her blood pressure rising dramatically. “I don’t think my family should be subjected to the spotlight. They never signed on to any of this.”
“It shouldn’t be a problem,” Kurt said, “unless, that is, one of them has something to hide.”
Jake looked at Raven for the first time. “I can tell you’re uncomfortable with this idea,” he said, his brown eyes searching hers for answers. “You can tell us what it’s about, Raven. You can trust us.”
She wanted to snort, throw up her hands, laugh like a hyena.
Trust Kurt? Trust that snake? Didn’t Jake realize that his best friend and most trusted confidant was a totally classless jerk?
But no, he didn’t realize that and she wasn’t about to tell him. Instead, she just smiled. “I’m only worried about inviting the spotlight into their lives without even asking them if they’re okay with it. It’s one thing for me to make that decision for myself, and quite another to make it for them.”
It sounded like a good reason, but the truth was far more complicated and darker than that. If only she could have trusted Kurt, or if she and Jake were alone—maybe she could have tried to explain it to him.
But she couldn’t trust Kurt and they weren’t alone. She had to make things up, make her reservations about the idea sound legitimate.
“Look,” Jake said as he came over, grabbing Raven’s hand and staring into her eyes. “I know this feels scary and overwhelming for you. But this is exactly what you signed up for when you told me you wanted to help. Well I accepted your help and now you need to come through for me.”
There it was again—Jake’s not too subtle hint that this entire relationship was nothing but a forgery, a copy of the real thing. The anger immediately welled up inside Raven’s chest, as if she was being stuck with a red-hot knife.
“So putting my family into the media spotlight is the only way I can help you now?” she said, her voice taking on a shrill quality. From the corner of her eye, she noticed that Kurt was smirking.
He was loving every minute of this, putting her on the spot and making her look bad.
“It’s not the only way,” Jake said, his voice still calm. “But it’s the best way.”
“You can’t ask me to drag my family into this.”
“I’m not going to force you to do anything,” he said, taking his hand away, his mouth tightening into a straight line. “If you don’t want to do it, we won’t do it.”
Kurt’s smirk widened. “Hey,” he said, shrugging. “Not everyone’s cut out for this sort of thing.”
Raven glared at the arrogant manager. “Maybe not all of us are comfortable pimping out friends and family just to make a publicity stunt look good.”
“I didn’t make the rules,” Kurt said. “I just play by them.”
“She doesn’t want to do it,” Jake said. “Next idea, please.” But his face was a mask of disappointment.
Raven was frustrated too. She was scared of why her parents had been calling in the first place. It had been years since they’d even tried to make contact. Was it because they’d seen her on the news or something else? Anything she tried to conjure up to explain their phone call only made her feel more anxious.
When she thought about going back home, it made her almost physically ill.
Kurt and Jake were throwing out new ideas now, ideas about interviews on multimedia platforms, town hall forums, Jake apologizing and then starting a national anti-bullying foundation where he would donate millions to charity.
Each new idea seemed more ridiculous and transparent than the last.
Meanwhile, Raven stood there, thinking and thinking about what had been presented to her. A chance to go home, with Jake, and tell her story in her own way. A chance to face her demons head on, to face down the bullies, the cruel people that had lied and hurt and tormented her.
As much as she distrusted Kurt’s motives, he’d possibly come up with the one scenario that could give her what she’d always been searching for—closure, vindication.
Of course, this was where it had all been leading the whole time, Raven realized, as her heart rate accelerated. A jolt of energy ran through her body.
She needed to go back home. She needed to do it just as much—no, more even—then Jake needed it for his own publicity reasons.
“Okay,” she said softly, “I’ll do it.”
“Huh?” Jake said, glancing at her. “You’ll do what?”
Kurt put his empty beer down and folded his arms, a tiny smirk playing on his lips. “Please enlighten us,” he said. “What are you willing to do, exactly?”
“I’ll go home, with Jake, just like you said.”
“What about all that stuff you were saying about not wanting to put your family in the spotlight?” Jake asked her, his eyes suspicious.
“Of course I need to check with them first,” Raven said. “But if they’re okay with it then so am I.”
“Are you sure?” Jake asked, his expression deadly serious. “Because you can’t do this halfway. We need to know that you’ll go through with it no matter what.”
“I’ll try,” she said. “I’ll do the best I can, but…there are issues between me and my family.”
“Issues?” Kurt asked innocently. “Like what?”
She shot him a look. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle my own business when it comes to them.”
Kurt put his hands up. “I didn’t mean any harm. Just a question.”
“You need to chill out,” Jake told her quietly, but his voice was firm.
“I am chilled out,” she whispered. “Just tell your nosy friend to lay off me for a minute.”
Jake shook his head. “Why don’t we call it a night?” he said. “You obviously need more downtime, and you can call your folks back and let them know we’ll be visiting them.” He stretched his muscular arms up in the air. “Come on, Kurt. Let’s leave the lady alone for a bit.”
Kurt chuckled as he exited, brushing past her, giving her a sly grin. “Talk soon,” he said under his breath.
Raven watched him go, practically shooting daggers at his back as he left. Jake turned once to look at her on his way out the door.
“You need to get a hold of yourself,” he said, his dark eyes completely without empathy. “This isn’t going to get any easier, and you promised me I could trust you.”
And then they were gone and she was alone again.
* * *
Some time passed before Raven could get up the nerve to call her parents back. She’d broken out in a cold sweat, and her heart was racing. She felt like something awful was going to happen, like she was about to die.
Just calm down, Raven. They’re you’re parents, not executioners.
Or maybe it’s Danny calling from their house
She couldn’t possibly imagine why her older brother Danny would be calling her from her parents’ house, though. It had to have been one of her parents.
They hadn’t left a message, but still…
As she hit redial on her cell phone, sitting on the couch, curled up in what was nearly a fetal position, Raven wondered if maybe they’d somehow accidentally called her.
No, that was really impossible. An accidental phone call after nearly four years without contact?
She shivered, a tremor running through her entire body as she waited for the moment of truth.
“Hello?” her mother answered, the voice sounded hesitant and somehow fragile.
Raven clutched the phone so hard her fingers nearly went numb. “Hi, Mom, it’s me.”
There was a long, pregnant pause. “Raven? Is that you?”
“Yeah, it’s me.” She wanted to puke. This was too hard.
“I just tried to call you,” her mother said.
“I saw that,” Raven told her. “I wondered if maybe you saw the news…”
“Joe and Mary Barrett came over this afternoon and were
talking all about how they saw you on TV with some movie star. We were completely confused, to be honest.”
Raven felt her cheeks flush. “It’s weird, I know. And kind of a long, confusing story how everything happened.”
“I can imagine.” There was another awkward pause. “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to hear from me, Raven, but I had to make sure you’re okay,” her mother said.
Raven sighed. “I’m okay, Mom.”
“And you’re happy now?”
Something about how she’d phrased it made Raven feel judged, as though her mother didn’t believe that Raven could truly be happy. But then again, maybe that was old stuff. Maybe her mother had changed in the last few years, just as Raven had changed. “I’m pretty happy,” she replied, wondering what the truth really was.
“That’s good. Because you know it’s all your father and I ever wanted for you, was just that you be happy.”
“And you and Dad? How are you both doing?”
There was another too-long silence. “We’re good. Pretty good. You know, things happen but we’re doing fine.”
“What things happened?” Raven said, the cold sweat turning hotter as she felt her pulse raise that much more.
“Nothing for you to worry about, Raven. The point is, everyone’s doing fine.”
“Mom, if something’s wrong—“
“If you really wanted to keep up with us, you should’ve called and enquired about how we’re doing,” her mother said, her voice getting brittle. “Besides, we haven’t spoken to you in so long. We never wanted to bother you.”
The guilt was settling in like a lead weight on Raven’s shoulders. “I don’t want to get into the whole back-and-forth about why we fell out of touch,” Raven said. “I have my version and you guys have yours and we’ll never agree.”
“Well, we agree about that,” her mother said, her voice strident now.
Raven shook her head. Why did it have to be like this between them? There was no good reason for why it had all gone so bad, but she wasn’t going to take all of the blame for it. “Anyway,” she said, “I was hoping that maybe I could come and see you both soon.”
Another long pause.
She’s going to say no, Raven thought. Won’t that just put a nice bow on all of the stuff that happened, if now, after everything, Mom says she doesn’t even want to see me again. In a way, it would be a relief if she said it.
Then Raven could tell Jake that they couldn’t go visit, and it would be guilt free.
“We’d love to see you, Raven.” Her mother’s voice had become emotional, hoarse, a little raspy, like she was close to tears.
“Jake and I were planning on making our way out there very soon, the next couple of days. Will you and Dad be around?”
Her mother was confused. “Jake who?”
“Jake Novak. He’s the guy that I’m…we’re spending time together and that’s why I’ve been in the news lately.” Even saying it felt silly and stupid and unbelievable.
“Jake Novak…I think I’ve heard that name before.” Her mother hemmed and hawed. “Was he in that Disney film about the young man that played football?”
“Yes, Mom, that’s the guy,” Raven said, laughing a little. “He’s been in a few movies and he’s a musician too.”
“You’re seeing each other,” her mother said softly. “Well that sounds very exciting.”
“He wants to meet you and Dad,” Raven said, squinting, clutching the phone that much harder.
“Well we’d love to meet him. Any friend of yours…absolutely.”
Raven sighed. “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know when we’re getting into town.”
Her mother was getting happier, seemingly, as she processed what was happening. “You’re really coming back home to visit? You’re sure, Raven?”
“I’m sure, Mom.”
As long as it takes to get the footage and pictures we need to make it look real.
It was sad, actually, because if this had been a genuine relationship, she truly would have been excited to introduce Jake to her mother and father.
Yeah, but what girl wouldn’t be excited to introduce Jake Novak to their friends and family? Just be glad you can even pretend you’re with him. That’s a lot better than most girls will ever get.
It was true, but it hurt nonetheless.
She’d always fantasized about going back to her hometown as someone successful, happy, showing off that she’d made it despite everyone’s attempts to bring her down and believe the worst of her.
Only now that Raven was getting the chance, all she could focus on was the fact that it was all based on a lie.
They got off the phone, Raven’s mother finally showing some excitement about reuniting, and Raven was left with at least a faint ray of hope that perhaps the whole trip might work out okay.
Then she hung up and sat there on the couch, thinking back on everything that had caused her to flee Southbridge in the first pace four years ago.
Instantly, she recalled Caleb’s face, his light curly hair and blue eyes, the way he’d looked at her and told her things she’d desperately wanted to believe at the time. She was reminded of the love she’d felt for him, and then the betrayal that had made her question whether anything he’d ever told her had been true.
Flashes of the party that had started the whole mess began to flicker across her inner vision, as if the phone call with her mother had triggered a cascade of memories—Memories that had merely been waiting all these years to be called to the surface of Raven’s mind.
She was drinking shots and laughing with friends. The room was hot and crowded and smelled of stale beer, sweat and perfume.
Caleb’s smile, his laugh as the music blared in the background.
The feeling of danger, excitement, mixed with teenage bodies and alcohol and the desire to be sexy and wanted.
Andre appeared, fittingly, standing next to Caleb. The two of them, like peanut butter and jelly, always together, always a pair.
Caleb and Andre, and the night of the party, when everything had gone so horribly, desperately wrong for Raven.
She felt sick just thinking about all of it and had to willfully pull herself out of the current of those old memories. It was like trying to climb out of quicksand, and as she found herself back in the present, Raven was terrified to realize that none of the old emotions had gone away.
I thought I was past all of that. I thought I was better, that I was an adult, and I’d created my new life. But the sad truth is, I haven’t done anything but run away, and now I’m going back there and I don’t know if I can do it.
* * *
Lying in bed, Raven tried to let go but was unable to sleep.
Raven was wearing nothing but a long t-shirt from the clothes that had been in the suitcase Kurt had brought to her room.
She was lying with no covers, feeling too hot, but also too lethargic to get up and turn the AC on any higher. Sweat was slick on her arms and legs and plastering her bangs to her forehead, and she was tossing and turning.
I can’t go back there.
Those words had been repeating over and over again in her mind, a loop that simply wouldn’t stop.
I can’t.
I can’t go back.
I can’t go back there.
She closed her eyes, tried to take a few deep breaths. She sat up, her heart racing once again, and she turned the television on, put the volume up slightly. Jimmy Fallon was doing some kind of song and dance routine, dressed in a tuxedo, hat and cane. Beneath him, the words to a song were scrolling across the bottom of the screen.
Raven was hardly paying attention, until she saw Jake’s name scrolling, as if it was actually part of the song.
And then she realized this was some kind of parody song using Jake’s rant as lyrics to accompany Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Jimmy Fallon was singing and dancing as he sang those horrible words, and the crowd was hysterically laughing.
Oh God, Raven thoug
ht, feeling slightly ill. It was getting worse and worse the longer Jake stayed silent and failed to respond to his video. He was becoming a joke, and that was worse than being hated for nasty things you’d once said.
A knock on the door to the hotel room interrupted her spiraling train of thought.
Raven was instantly unnerved and on alert, because of how late it was. She got out of bed as the knock came again. She tiptoed towards the door.
“I can hear you creeping around in there, Raven,” Jake’s voice came through the door.
“I didn’t know it was you,” she told him.
“Open up,” he said.
She wanted to see him, but she was afraid. It had been a long, hard and difficult day. Tomorrow would likely be worse, and Jake was already short of patience with her.
“Maybe we should just talk in the morning, Jake. We’re both tired—“
“Speak for yourself. I worked out and had coffee just an hour ago, feel like I could climb a damn mountain. Open up, Raven. Come on.”
She sighed. “I’m not even dressed.”
“Like that’s anything new.”
She smiled a little, despite her misgivings, and then she opened the door, feeling a little excited in truth. She wanted him to see her in nothing but this t-shirt, to look at her bare legs, maybe to wonder what was underneath it.
Nothing…That’s what was beneath her shirt.
She backed away from the door as Jake came inside and shut it behind him. He was dressed in jeans and a plain t-shirt, but as usual, looked like he’d just stepped out of a music video.
His eyes took her in greedily, and she could tell he was charged up.
“What were you doing before I knocked?” he asked, picking up the remote and turning on the TV in the living area.
“Trying to sleep,” she said. “And failing miserably.”