‘Dino.’
He’d expected to see insecurity in her eyes but instead he saw fire and fight and felt the tension pulsing from her. Picking up on it, his eyes narrowed in silent question.
Something, or someone, had upset her and she’d come out fighting.
And you didn’t have to be a genius to guess who. ‘I was beginning to think you weren’t coming.’
‘Why wouldn’t I come?’ Her tone was slightly brittle and she helped herself to a glass of orange juice from one of the waiters who were circulating with drinks and canapés. ‘This is fantastic. I thought you said it would be just a few friends. Informal.’
‘It started out that way but it escalated, and I don’t have time to prepare food for this number of people so I thought it was easier to get caterers in. This isn’t how I planned it.’
She relaxed slightly and stayed by his side. They chatted about the day and then a couple of members of the mountain rescue team joined them and they all started talking about their latest rescue.
Halfway through the evening ‘Santa’ appeared with a sack of presents for the children.
As Jamie and the other children leaped around with excitement, Dino watched Meg. Finally she’d relaxed. Drink in hand, she was laughing as Jamie ripped the paper off his present to reveal a large plastic Batman figure.
Dino threw a questioning glance at Meg. ‘I know he already has one…’
‘It’s great. Really thoughtful.’ She smiled up at him. ‘You can never have too many. I’m trying to work out who is concealed under that Santa suit. It looks like Rob Hamilton from Orthopaedics but he isn’t quite that portly. Unless he’s hit the mince pies big time.’
‘We added some padding to his costume. He has the deepest voice. Not to mention the fact he was one of the few who was prepared to do it. Come on—’ He held out his hand. ‘Let’s dance.’
She hesitated, her cheeks pink. Then she slowly put her glass down on the table and gave a hesitant smile. ‘All right, but I ought to warn you I—’
‘Dino!’ Melissa bounced over to them, her breasts in danger of making a guest appearance. Grabbing his other hand, she pulled. ‘This is my favourite track. Dance with me.’
‘I don’t think so.’ Frowning, Dino extracted his hand but Meg was already backing away, her smile frozen to her face.
‘You go ahead. I’m useless at dancing anyway. And I need to see Jamie.’
‘Meg—’
‘Honestly, dance.’ She waved her hand towards the centre of the room. ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’
Dino reached out to grab her but she melted into the crowd, vanishing in the sea of shimmering dresses that closed in front of him, blocking his path.
She was a complete fool.
Meg stood in the bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. It was always going to be like this. What had she expected? That she could turn herself into some supermodel overnight? That putting on a pair of high heels and a sparkling dress would make her feel any different inside?
‘Meg?’ Dino’s voice came through the door. ‘Are you in there?’
She froze. ‘Give me a minute.’
‘I need to talk to you.’
Tugging open the bathroom door, she pinned a smile on her face. ‘Hi. Everything all right? The kids haven’t discovered the champagne, have they?’
‘Why do you do that? You just walked away.’ His eyes were very dark and very angry. ‘You always walk away when things get tough. You should have stood your ground and fought her.’
‘I didn’t want to make things awkward for you.’
‘Awkward? You think I care about awkward? Maledezione, Meg, what do you think is going on here?’
‘I think all the women in the room are interested in you—as usual. I think they all spent most of the last week planning what they were going to wear to catch your attention.’
‘There is only one woman in the room who interests me. And, no, you’re not leaving until we’ve had this out.’ He rested his arm against the wall, trapping her, his eyes stormy. ‘If you’d hung around you would have heard me telling Melissa that I’m not interested. That she’s wasting her time.’
‘It isn’t just Melissa.’ Meg found that her hands were shaking. ‘There will always be another Melissa. That’s the sort of man you are.’
His features hardened. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You can’t help it, Dino. You’re super good looking, sexy, rich—basically gorgeous. You only have to smile and women want to rip their clothes off.’ Meg gave a hysterical laugh. ‘There will always be some woman who wants you. Always some woman trying to knock me down to get to you. Maybe you don’t notice Melissa, but sooner or later one of them is going to attract your attention if they try hard enough. And then it’s going to be Georgina all over again.’
There was a long silence. ‘That was her name?’ His voice was harsh. ‘The woman he dumped you for?’
Meg shrugged. ‘That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the world is full of Georginas. I can’t compete. And, actually, I don’t want to. I don’t want to live my life on a knife edge, wondering whether this is going to be the day you find someone prettier.’
‘Have you any idea how insulting that is?’ He pulled away from her, his expression black. ‘You’re implying that I have no control over my own emotions or behaviour, that I’ll tangle the sheets with every pretty girl who crosses my path. Is that what you think of me? Is that who you think I am?’
‘You’re human. You’re a man, for God’s sake.’
‘Yes, I’m a man. A grown man, not some teenage boy who hasn’t learned control. Damn it, Meg, I can forgive you for thinking I’m ruled by my libido because that’s how it seems whenever I’m with you, but I find it hard to forgive you for thinking I’m so shallow that I’d chase after any woman who throws herself at me. I need more than mindless sex in a relationship. Until you came into my life, I had no trouble at all with the word no. Believe it or not, I’m adult enough to make my own choices. And if a woman comes on to me, it’s still my choice, even if her dress is up round her bottom and her boobs are thrust in my face. For your information, Melissa is the type of woman I avoid. I know her type too well.’
‘But—’
‘No, there are no “buts” on this one Meg.’ His tone was hard. ‘Maybe you’ve spent too much time alone with Jamie. You’re treating me like a child, assuming that every shiny new toy I see in the store I’m going to want to buy.’
Her heart pounded. ‘I’m not treating you like a child.’
‘Then trust me, Meg. Trust me to make my own decisions and exercise control. That’s what being an adult is all about. I know what I want out of life. And it isn’t quick sex with any woman who will put it out there.’ A muscle worked in his jaw. ‘I wait until I see something good, something special, and when I do I’m not afraid to go for it. Unlike you.’
‘I’m not afraid.’
‘Yes, you are. You’re terrified of being hurt again the way Hayden hurt you, and I understand that. But we can’t have a proper relationship if I’m having to look over my shoulder all the time, checking there are no pretty girls in the vicinity in case you’re about to go into meltdown. I can’t live like that. There has to be trust, Meg.’
He didn’t understand. He had absolutely no idea. Meg felt tears prick her eyes. ‘I can’t live like that either. I can’t live my life wondering whether today is going to be the day you tell me I’m not the woman you want to be with. Wondering whether this is going to be the day you walk out and go off with the more glamorous model waiting in the wings. I sometimes wonder if you even realise how sexy you are. You walk into a room and there isn’t a woman who doesn’t look at you! And I don’t think I can stand by and watch a never-ending string of glamorous woman dress up and try and attract you away from me. And maybe that’s defeatist, but it’s the way it is. I don’t want to live my life with a knot of anxiety in my stomach. It isn’t fair on me and it isn�
��t fair on Jamie. And it isn’t fair on you because I don’t think I can change. And I know this is just me being stupid. I know that. But I can’t change the way I think.’ Her breathing was shallow.
‘You’re right that I’m afraid. I admit it, I’m terrified! Terrified that I’ll put Jamie through what I went through. Terrified that I’ll have to answer another load of questions about why another man left him. I just don’t want to risk that. I can’t.’ She waited for him to give a sympathetic nod or acknowledge in some way that he understood what she was feeling.
Instead, he pulled away from her, his eyes cold. ‘If you think I’d hurt your son, you don’t know me at all.’
‘It isn’t about not knowing you. It’s about reality.’ She struggled to make him understand. ‘Relationships break up every single day.’
‘Not all of them. Have you thought about that, Meg? Some relationships actually work out. The good ones.’
‘But how do you know?’ Her voice was a whisper. ‘If I get this wrong, Jamie gets hurt. I can’t do that to him.’ And she couldn’t do it to herself.
‘So you’ll trust me with your life on the end of a rope, but you won’t trust me with your heart.’ His tone was raw. ‘Is that right?’
Meg stared at him.
She wanted to tell him that she trusted him. But the words couldn’t break free from the cold ball of terror inside her.
Dino watched her for a long moment. Waited. And then turned and walked away, leaving her standing alone, drowning in a sea of her own fears.
Meg drove home, Jamie asleep in the back of the car.
Twice she had to stop because she was crying so hard and she couldn’t see the road. She’d blown it. She’d totally blown it. Ruined everything.
As she drove through the town on the way to her house, she saw crowds of people pouring out of restaurants and bars after Christmas parties. They wore silly hats and tinsel and clutched presents. They were all laughing and chatting and they seemed so normal. Whereas she—she was so messed up she didn’t have a clue how to fix herself.
Why couldn’t she just have said she trusted him? Even if it all went wrong, could it honestly feel any worse than this?
She could have carried on, couldn’t she, hoping that he kept looking at her and no one else?
But she was exhausted with being on her guard and watching for competition. Wiping the smile off Melissa’s face should have been fun, but she’d felt nothing except a bone-deep tiredness.
Flicking her indicator, she took the road that led out of the town towards the lake. Was Dino with her now? Had he turned to her for consolation?
As she drove down the lane that led to her house, the moonlight reflected off the snow and the mountains stood out clearly. It was midnight, but she could see the contour of every peak and she could name them. She’d climbed most of them with Dino by her side. He was right when he’d said she trusted him with her life. She did. Out here, in her world. In the place that mattered to her, she trusted him.
Here, she could be herself. Here, it didn’t matter who designed your handbag or whether your dress was ‘last season’. Here, it was more important to know whether there might be a new snowfall overnight, bringing more risks to walkers in the morning. Here, you had to be able to recognise wind slab and know how to use an ice axe. Here, she was comfortable.
Functioning on automatic, Meg pulled up outside the cottage and gently lifted Jamie out of the back seat of the car. He snuggled against her, his arms tight around her neck. For a moment she held him against her, taking comfort from the feel of his warm, solid body crushed against hers. He was her world. Her whole world.
‘It was a lovely party, Mummy.’ His voice was sleepy. ‘Popcorn. Ice Age. And tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I love Christmas Eve because Christmas is still to come and it’s so exciting.’
Struggling to find even a glimmer of excitement inside herself, Meg picked her way through the fresh snow. ‘What about Christmas Day? Don’t you like that?’
‘Christmas Day is the best. I can’t wait to see Dino again.’
Meg held him tightly with one arm and pushed her key in the door. Looking at the mistletoe, she lifted her hand and pulled it off the door. No more mistletoe. No more dreams and delusions. Flinging it onto the snow, she took a deep breath. ‘He’s not coming, Jamie.’ Her voice was gruff. ‘He can’t make it for Christmas Day. I’m sorry.’ She carried him into the house and Jamie lifted his head groggily. Still sleepy, he focused on her face.
‘He is coming. He promised.’
‘No. No, he’s not. It’s not his fault.’ Her voice cracked. ‘It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.’
‘He said he was coming!’ Fully awake now, Jamie wriggled out of her arms. ‘He promised! He promised he wouldn’t let you push him away! He promised he wouldn’t let that happen. He promised!’
‘Jamie…’ Shocked, Meg held out her arms to him but he backed away, tears pouring down his cheeks.
‘He promised. Just leave me alone! I hate you and I hate Dino! I thought he was a superhero but he isn’t. He isn’t. He’s just a man and I hate him.’ Sobs tearing his little chest, Jamie ran upstairs to his bedroom and slammed the door.
Meg closed the front door and leaned her head against the wood, beating herself up for choosing to tell him now and not wait until the morning when he’d slept and was better able to cope with disappointment. She’d told him, she realised numbly, because she’d needed to talk to someone. But that shouldn’t have been Jamie, should it? He was a child.
She was crying too, hot tears smudging the mascara she’d applied so carefully only a few hours earlier. She wanted to go after Jamie, but she knew he needed a few minutes to calm down by himself.
In a minute she’d go upstairs and tuck him in. Read to him. Stories where a superhero always stepped in when life got hard.
If only…
She needed to explain to him that none of this was Dino’s fault. It was her, wasn’t it?
She was a coward.
She’d fallen over once, hurt herself badly, and now she was afraid to run again. Her mother was right—hanging from a rock face from a thin rope wasn’t brave because she wasn’t afraid of that. Brave was when you did something that terrified you. Tonight, she’d stared her biggest fear in the face. And she’d turned and run.
‘Jamie is quiet, considering it’s Christmas Eve.’ Meg’s mother sprinkled icing sugar over the Christmas cake to look like snow. Outside, the sun shone on the snow crystals, adding sparkle and light. ‘Is he just tired or has something happened?’
‘Do you really need to ask? Don’t put any more sugar on that, Mum, or our teeth will fall out.’
‘I assume this has something to do with Dino?’
‘That’s right. I messed it up. As always.’ Her tone brittle, Meg emptied cranberries into a saucepan. ‘How much water do I add to these?’
‘Just a tablespoon. And the zest of an orange. So are you going to fix it?’
‘Dino broke up with me, Mum.’
She frowned. ‘Really? That surprises me. He doesn’t strike me as the sort who walks away.’
‘No, that’s usually my role.’
‘Did he say why?’
‘He was angry that I wouldn’t trust him. Angry that I was worried he might go off with someone.’ She swallowed. ‘He said he couldn’t live like that.’
‘Waiting for you to destroy something good? I don’t blame him. You’re enough to give the most patient man an ulcer. Don’t stir those so hard—they’re nicer when they’re still whole. I like bite and texture.’
Meg stopped stirring. Her eyes were gritty from lack of sleep and her head ached. But none of that came close to the agony that burned inside her. ‘I feel…h-horrible. Miserable. And so, so guilty about Jamie. He wanted it to work out so badly. And the crazy thing is I wanted that too. I wanted us to be a family. I wanted that.’ Her voice cracked. ‘What have I done, Mum?’
Her mother made a distressed sound and cross
ed the kitchen. ‘Oh, sweetheart…’ She folded Meg into her arms and held her tightly, crooning as she had when Meg had been a small child. ‘You haven’t done anything. You’re just sorting out your thoughts and the way you feel and that takes time. You’re too hard on yourself.’
Meg sobbed into her mother’s shoulder, unravelling in the safe cocoon of warmth and love. ‘No, I’ve wrecked everything and it could have been good because Dino is just gorgeous, not to mention clever, and he’s so lovely with Jamie and he’s incredible in bed.’ She sniffed. ‘Sorry—I’m so sorry.’
‘Don’t apologise.’ Her mother stroked her hair away from her face. ‘I’m so proud of you and everything you’ve done. And now you’re going to listen to me. You’ve done a fantastic job with Jamie. You’re a wonderful mother, but there are times when you need to put yourself first and this is one of them. Stop worrying about Jamie and think about yourself. Why do you think you’re so scared, Meg?’
‘Apart from the fact that I’m a crackpot?’ Meg found a tissue and blew her nose. ‘Because of Hayden, I suppose.’
‘You were young and vulnerable when you met Hayden. A girl, not a woman. You were attracted by surface sparkle and you didn’t notice the lack of depth.’ Her mother urged her gently to a chair. ‘If Hayden walked through that door now, what would you do?’
‘Kick him out again. I know he wasn’t right for me, Mum. I know it would never have lasted, but knowing that doesn’t help.’
‘When Hayden left you were young, you were pregnant, you were alone. But you survived. And you would survive again. People do.’ Her mother’s face was sad and Meg leaned forward and hugged her, feeling horribly selfish.
‘When we lost Dad I was worried you wouldn’t survive. I was worried you wouldn’t want to live your life without him.’
‘I learned to live a different life.’ Her mother’s voice was quiet. ‘There isn’t a day when I don’t miss your father and I’d be lying if I said it never hurts, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. Loving and being loved is the greatest gift of all. It’s what life is all about, and that’s what I want to see in your life. I don’t want to see you turning love away because you’re afraid of what will happen if you lose it. If you do that, you’ve already lost.’
Dr Zinetti's Snowkissed Bride / The Christmas Baby Bump Page 16