Baby, Me, OMG: Motherhood fiction (Surprise Baby Romance)

by Suzy K Quinn

  Then Brandi came running up saying our cab was here.

  Alex folded his arms and said, ‘Goodbye Juliette.’

  When we left, Alex’s MG was parked outside the hotel on double yellow lines.

  The taxi driver said, ‘Typical bloody Dalton. Parks where he bloody likes and pays for the tickets.’

  I didn’t tell Nick about Alex buying us champagne.

  It would only have caused a row.

  Sunday May 10th

  Wedding flower shopping today.

  Helen is furious that Nick hasn’t done it already.

  She was even more furious when I said I wanted to go all natural and pick daisies from a field.

  She said, ‘No son of mine is getting married in a church full of grubby daisies. Look – I’m paying for it, alright?’

  I said it had nothing to do with money. I just like wild flowers.

  Helen put on her horrible false smile and said, ‘Would you please let me help you with this, Juliette? The church looks grubby enough as it is.’

  I said, ‘It’s my wedding, Helen. If I want it to look grubby, that’s up to me.’

  In the end, I decided to be kind and let Helen drive me to Perfect Petals in her big black Land Rover.

  The flower shop lady was one of Helen’s old school friends, and they made horsey noises and went ra ra ra together.

  Helen asked me which flowers I liked. Then she told me why I was wrong to like them.

  I tried to pick flowers that looked natural and beautiful, but the flower-shop lady said they were funeral flowers.

  Eventually, I chose giant white daisies that Helen hated. But it was sort of a compromise, because at least they were paid for and not picked from a field.

  Monday May 11th

  Disgusting fact of the day – my poo weighs two ounces. I know this because I weighted myself before and after. My weight is getting a bit obsessive now. But the wedding is SO close.

  Mum and Dad had very different analogies about two ounces.

  Dad said it was the same as a Swiss Army knife, two AA batteries or a large letter for posting.

  Mum said it was roughly one bag of dry-roasted peanuts.

  Tuesday May 12th

  Daisy only woke up once last night.

  Not too bad. And she went straight back to sleep after I fed her. Why can’t she do that every night? Once is totally bearable.

  The trouble was, I couldn’t get back to sleep.

  I kept thinking about the wedding.

  It’s not as though I think Nick will back out. But it took him so long to propose …

  Of course, it doesn’t help that Nick is so miserable about the wedding. I wish he could at least pretend to be happy. I know this is all girly stuff. But it’s supposed to mean something to him.

  Wednesday May 13th

  HAEMORRHOIDS!!!

  And so near the wedding too!

  Just as I’d made my peace with my boobs dropping an inch, wee coming out for no reason, and a car-crash downstairs area, now my bum as well. And don’t even get me started on the weird spots on my arms …

  I’ve learned something important.

  Never, EVER google the word ‘haemorrhoids’ and look at the image page.

  Went back to the village to see Doctor Slaughter because getting a doctor in London is impossible.

  All the doctors in the Great Oakley surgery have funny names. We have a Dr Condom, Dr Watson and Dr Rogers. Doctor Slaughter fits right in.

  Doctor Slaughter gave me a prescription for suppositories. He also gave me phone numbers of three other women in the village that had them and suggested we meet up. Doctor Slaughter doesn’t believe in patient confidentiality.

  The chemist was closed ‘due to a problem with our tills’. (Meaning the owner is having a lie-in).

  Googled home-remedy pile treatments. Smashed up a garlic clove and applied it to the area.

  Have never known pain like it.

  Screamed. Did a weird, grunty dance. Then threw the garlic in the bin.

  Helen came round and asked me if I’d been making guacamole.

  Thursday May 14th

  Started a new diet today – the 5:2 diet. It’s basically starving yourself for two days a week.

  After no breakfast or lunch, I felt all sick and faint and light-headed. Decided that with a baby, it wasn’t responsible to starve myself.

  So had a big bowl of pasta and pesto.

  Maybe I’ll try the diet again tomorrow.

  Nick is working in Leeds for the rest of the week, so Daisy and I are back at Mum and Dads. Got another chocolate bar for the train journey home.

  Great Oakley is so lovely right now.

  All the flowers and trees.

  It’s good to be around my family near the wedding. And away from Helen, who is getting crazier by the day.

  Went to the play park with Daisy.

  Alex Dalton’s little sister, Jemima, was there.

  As usual, she was the best-dressed seven-year-old in the park, with a jaunty orange scarf tied perfectly under her pretty face.

  Thought Alex and Zach might be there too, but Jemima was with her nanny.

  I should have known really – there was no vintage MG in sight.

  Jemima helped me push Daisy on the bucket swings.

  I think Jemima’s nanny was pleased. She obviously wanted to watch make-up tips on YouTube.

  Jemima asked if I’d play with her again some time.

  I said of course I would.

  Then she said, ‘I wish I had friends my own age to play with.’

  Poor little thing. 

  It makes me realise how lucky I am to have sisters.

  I asked Jemima if she was still staying on the Dalton Estate at the weekends. She said she was. With her big brothers and Nanny Charlotte.

  She told me how fun Alex was and how he always played with her. She said he let her toot the horn in his MG.

  Then she whispered, ‘My nanny isn’t a real nanny, you know. Mummy only hired her because she’s the daughter of her old school friend.’

  I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so I said, ‘That’s nice.’

  Jemima said, ‘It’s not nice. I don’t like her.’

  Friday May 15th

  Babies grow so quickly!

  It feels like yesterday that I bought Daisy 3-6 month baby gros. And she’s nearly too big for them.

  The 6-9 month ones are too big, so it’s either squashed toes or great big long snoopy legs.

  Keep meaning to adjust the stroller straps too. They’re getting a bit tight, but they are so FIDDLY! I can’t work them out. I can’t work out the bottle warmer or the car seat either.

  I used to be GOOD at practical stuff. What happened? Are all baby devices just stupidly complicated? Or have I lost a lot of brain cells?

  Saturday May 16th

  Did the wedding dress rehearsal today. In the church.

  Since Nick pretty much chose my wedding dress, I thought I might as well rehearse in it. The more I practice wearing it, the less chance I have of falling over.

  All my bridesmaids were there, except Sadie. She met some theatre director last night and ended up on a yacht in Richmond.

  Brandi was hung over. But she held it together pretty well. She picked the wrong underwear for her bridesmaid dress, though – it really showed through.

  When Helen saw that Brandi had rolled up her dress into a mini-skirt, her nostrils flared.

  I thanked Helen for helping with the wedding flowers.

  She snorted, ‘Lucky I helped. Or this church could have looked like your sister’s underwear.’

  Brandi twiddled her neon-pink bra strap and said, ‘What’s wrong with a bit of colour?’

  Sunday May 17th

  After all this hard work I’ve PUT ON A POUND!!

  Ugh.

  Laura pointed out that I’ve lost a quarter of an inch around my waist and thighs, and I know that should cheer me up. But it doesn’t.

  Lau
ra said, ‘What would you prefer – a flatter tummy or numbers on the scale that no one sees but you?’

  The stupid truth is I’d prefer numbers on a scale.

  Told Laura in a sad voice that I’d never wear a midriff top again.

  Laura said, ‘But you never did wear midriff tops.’

  True. But I’d like the option …

  Tuesday May 19th

  Decided to try the Atkins diet today.

  Had a plain omelette for breakfast with vegetables and lots and lots of oil.

  It was alright.

  But by lunchtime I was absolutely crawling the walls with hunger. I so did NOT want bacon or eggs or butter.

  And then I made the mistake of going round Mum and Dad’s house so Mum could help me do the last of the wedding invites.

  The fridge was full of old takeaways – egg-fried rice, sweet and sour prawn balls, slices of Domino’s pizza.

  Decided I’d switch to calorie counting instead. But I have no idea how many calories were in that omelette this morning. So I’ll have to start again tomorrow.

  Ate egg-fried rice, sweet and sour prawn balls and the last few slices of Domino’s pizza.

  Wednesday May 20th

  Started stupid, boring calorie counting diet. Now my head is full of numbers.

  Who’d have thought a tube of Pringles would have so many calories?

  Friday May 22nd

  Weighed myself today, thinking all that calorie counting has probably shifted … ooo I don’t know, at least seven pounds.

  But no. I have lost absolutely no weight at all. If dieting doesn’t work, what hope is there for me?

  Phoned Laura.

  She said that muscle weighs more than fat and I shouldn’t weigh myself until I’ve dieted for at least a week anyway. That made me feel better.

  Phoned Brandi and she said, ‘That muscle and fat thing is a load of bollocks. Google it.’

  I googled it and she was right. Muscle and fat weigh the same.

  I asked Brandi if I looked any thinner to her. And she said, ‘You could look thinner if you let me straighten your hair. It’s not a good idea to have curly hair with a round face like yours.’

  Saturday May 23rd

  Wedding just over a week away!

  There’s this thing going around Facebook called a ‘no make-up selfie’. You’re supposed to take off all your make-up and do a selfie looking rough.

  Brandi volunteered me, but there’s no way I’m taking a close-up of my baby-worn face. No way.

  Sunday May 24th

  Made Nick promise to go on a bank holiday picnic tomorrow.

  We can talk about the wedding day (not long now!) and plans for the future and get ourselves in a really positive frame of mind.

  Ended up having to watch some boring war film as a bribe, but it will be worth it. Because tomorrow we’ll have a lovely family picnic at Hyde Park, and talk about our wedding day.

  I’ve even bought a wicker picnic hamper with chequered cloth inside and little elastic loops for cutlery.

  Monday May 25th

  Spring Bank Holiday

  Baguette, wheel of brie, Kettle Chips, bottle of elderflower water – all packed into our new picnic hamper.

  And it poured with rain.

  Nick thought it was hilarious.

  He sat on the sofa all day eating Kettle Chip and brie sandwiches, watching the Wizard of Oz and saying, ‘Whoever cast the Tin Man is a wanker. He so can’t act.’

  Wednesday May 27th

  Counting the days until the wedding now!

  All my friends keep nominating me for a no-make-up selfie.

  Thursday May 28th

  Had a brainwave! Put up a picture of Taylor Swift as my no-make-up selfie. Hopefully, everyone will think it’s funny and not bother me to do a real one.

  Friday May 29th

  25 comments on my Facebook page telling me off for my Taylor Swift picture.

  Put up a real picture of my tired face.

  Got a load of lovely comments telling me how beautiful I look without make-up. Awwww…

  Monday June 1st

  THIS MONTH I WILL BE A MARRIED WOMAN!

  Daisy will finally have a mum and dad with the same surname.

  Ah, poor Daisy.

  She just couldn’t sleep last night.

  I think she was over-tired. The only way I could get her to nod off was walking around the room making Darth Vader breathing noises and bending my legs in time to the Hokey Cokey.

  Tuesday June 2nd

  Morning

  Less than a week before the wedding and I’ve put on two pounds.

  Fucking hell.

  This week I am going to be ruthless. I will eat nothing. I will purge. I will not give in. And by my wedding day I will have lost at LEAST a stone.

  Beyonce lost a stone in a week on some maple syrup diet. Imagine how much weight I’ll lose if I eat nothing at all.

  I can do this. I know I can.

  No food. Not a morsel will pass my lips.

  Afternoon

  I can’t do this. It’s ridiculous to starve myself.

  I’m just going to eat sensibly and do lots of exercise. Exercise is the key.

  If I run every day this week I’m sure I can lose a stone.

  Wednesday June 3rd

  Have decided to hit the gym, pre-wedding. I know one session isn’t going to make a lot of difference, but a bit of toning won’t hurt.

  Found a special-offer coupon for Fitness Factory and signed up online.

  Will go tomorrow.

  Thursday June 4th

  Wedding just a few days away!

  Made it to the gym.

  Put Daisy in the crèche and she cried and cried. She was so loud the ladies coming out of the sauna thought a car alarm was going off.

  But then the crèche ladies put her in a bouncy swing and she was instantly happy. So I had to go and exercise.

  I spent ages walking around the gym, touching equipment and then being too scared to actually get on it.

  Eventually, I worked up the courage to sit on a weight machine. I pulled at some handles. Then this Lycra bicep man said, ‘Let me show you how to do that properly.’

  The proper way absolutely killed my arms. So I did some jogging on the treadmill and watched Gypsy Weddings on the mini telly.

  Everyone wears Lycra at the gym these days. How can fashion be so cruel?

  Friday June 5th

  I was too hungry to sleep last night.

  Ended up squirting cream on Oreo cookies at 1am, and suddenly Helen appeared like some pale big-nosed ghost.

  After I’d stopped screaming, Helen explained that she’d had an ‘all-nighter’ in the city and decided to stay in our guest bedroom without telling us.

  She looked at my cookies and said, ‘Children have midnight feasts, Juliette. Grown women watch their weight.’

  I said I hardly saw the point of dieting anymore, what with the wedding being so soon. Nick would just have to accept me for me, baby weight and all.

  Helen told me again how she lost weight when Nick was born and that the hospital was worried she was just too slim.

  Then she went on about how perfect her wedding day had been.

  I asked how Henry had liked it.

  She said, ‘Not my wedding to Henry. My wedding to Nicholas’s dad. Marrying him was the best day of my life.’

  I said, ‘What about the day Nick was born?’

  She said, ‘Oh that day was awful. Absolutely awful. Being handed this scrawny, ugly little thing covered in … God, I don’t even want to say it. I seriously wanted to complain to somebody. But I really did love Nicholas’s father. From the moment I met him.’

  Then her eyes went all sharp and Helen-like and she said, ‘Men are imperfect creatures. You mustn’t forget that. Don’t love a man too much. He’ll only let you down.’

  Saturday June 6th

  Nick’s stag party tonight.

  Ugh. I do not even want to THINK about what Nic
k will be up to.

  I’m not exactly having a hen night, but Mum, Laura and Brandi have ‘something planned’.

  Unfortunately, Helen is babysitting.

  Helen said, ‘Christ – don’t have one of those hideous L-plate bingo heavy-drinking affairs, will you? So tacky.’

  I told her we’d probably just go for a nice meal somewhere in Great Oakley. I’m a mum now, after all. No more wild nights for me.

  Sunday June 7th

  Gala bingo!

  Learner plates!

  PINK TUTUS!

  We hit the West End and danced on the stage until 3am.

  Must remember though – fluorescent lights show up white stains. How had Daisy managed to wipe her nose on my back?

  Had SUCH a laugh.

  Mum did her party trick of drinking a pint of Guinness from her cleavage.

  She was so drunk by 3am that she started singing songs from Frozen.

  Nick still wasn’t back when I got home. So he has no reason to moan at me.

  Tired when I got home, but it was worth it.

  As soon as I passed out, Daisy woke up. And then again. And again.

  It’s like she knew I’d gone to bed late and was telling me off.

  You’re halfway through!

  Hope you’re liking the story so far, but hold on tight because there are about to be some explosions …

  I’d love to give you a little window into my writer’s world and show you the Pinterest board I used whilst writing this book.

  It’s here:

  uk.pinterest.com/suzykquinn/bad-mothers-diary/

  No more interruptions I promise.

  See you at the end, lovely lady.

  Suzy K Quinn xx

  Monday June 8th

  Eeek!

  Brandi Facebooked pictures of me dancing on tables at the hen night.

  Nick went mad.

  He said, ‘You need to grow up, Juliette. You’re not a teenager anymore.’

  I told him to go fuck himself. HE didn’t roll in until 4am and spent the whole day in bed, while Helen brought him iced teas and Alka-Seltzer.