Shattered Alpha

by Erin R Flynn

  I shot a look at Goran who looked guilty, begging me to forgive him with my eyes. “If they had found out after something bad happened, guilt would have been laid at your feet. I don’t give a shit about Vlad. I worry about you and the people I now think of as family.”

  “We are not angry with you, Seraphine,” Apollo assured me. “We understand you did not trust us, especially after Igor, and handled the matter internally as a Chicago issue. We are not even upset with Noah for being at the very center of this little militia Vlad has built. He did it for the right reasons, doing as his Master commanded. I can’t even fault Vlad, as he wanted to make sure he could protect his coven against an Igor or others.

  “I do not want you to think any are like me, because they are not. I am the liberal of the group. Yes, I believe that is the term. Many would come and play the games Igor did just for fun because they can and they are council. There are those in your council that would do the same. We are not supposed to cross over, so I do not want you to think they are all rational people who want what we do.”

  I swallowed loudly. “I won’t, and thanks for understanding the position I was in.” I let out a heavy sigh. “Oh fuck. I’m so glad I’m not going to be there when Vlad finds out you know about his numbers and Goran is going to be his boss.”

  Apollo shot me a fangy grin. “He made his bed. He will now be tied to it and we will spank him a bit worse than you did. If he blames you, let me know and I can keep spanking him until he pulls his head out of his ass.”

  “Apparently Goran will tell you no matter what I say.”

  Apollo found that hysterical, but I was a bit miffed at Goran. If he had told me what he’d just said now, I would have rethought the decision. Then again, he hadn’t known that about me before. But how could I trust him knowing he’d snitch?

  I went around with that the rest of our late lunch, getting the blood warmer set up to feed our guests, glad we had a huge stock of the blood and more always willing to donate. They enjoyed it and the pizza. I just sat there wondering if there was ever going to be someone I could totally and truly trust.

  Did such a mythical person exist?

  14

  “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts,” I sang later that night, setting down the empty glass before tossing back another shot.

  “Is she drunk?” Simone asked, sitting down across from me. “What’s going on, Sera?”

  I shrugged, taking another shot. “You kept saying I needed to try the shots. That you wanted my input, so I’m trying them.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t mean for you to try them all at once and a full tray at a time,” she muttered, taking the two empty shot serving trays and handing them to Gayle as she passed us. “What—”

  “Do you know how often people think of Zazu?” I cut in. Simone, Beth, Hestia, and Phobie gave me confused looks, the others joining us. “The bird from The Lion King who sings that song. He sings it for Scar. Do you know how often people think of Zazu?” I waited until they shook their heads. “A lot. I mean, yeah, the movie was popular when I was a kid, so of course, and that song gets stuck in your head pretty easily.

  “But people really do think of him a lot. Anytime there’s a coconut anything or they hear that song. It’s weird but funny.” I took another shot. “I shouldn’t know that. I don’t want to know that.” I met Simone’s worried gaze. “I don’t want to know that Grammy Havers is jealous of my sex life and her one regret is she didn’t sleep with a lot of men before getting married. I don’t want to know that.

  “And do I tell Brian that? No, right, that would be weird. But carrying that is hard . People don’t get how hard it is.” I shook my head and set down the empty glass forcefully. “It’s horrible for me. Do I tell you that Harris hates when you call him the first day of the full moon to ask if he’s available? He hates it. It makes him feel like he was the last choice and you couldn’t get anyone better.

  “But I know that’s not why you do it. You’re busy and a bit overwhelmed, but I shouldn’t know that either. So do I tell either of you or neither of you? This is what weighs on me constantly . It’s exhausting. Am I the jerk for telling or not telling? Is it fair to carry all of this?” I took another shot. “It was easier when I didn’t get involved. It really was. I knew how socially inept I was, and that was okay because I didn’t get involved.

  “I did undercover work, and I wasn’t socially inept Sera then, and that was enough. It was enough involvement even if it was all fake. That was safer . I liked being safer. It was easier .” I took a shot and launched the glass at the wall. “This is too hard all of the time, and it’s not fair. I never asked for any of this! Why is it always on me? Why does the socially inept me see so much? Why did I get all this power for it to all be on my shoulders always?”

  “Sera, what happened?” Simone whispered, her eyes shocked.

  “They don’t remember,” I choked out, looking away from their worried gazes. “They woke up from Nina’s knockout spell, the other spell having worked itself out of them, and they don’t remember what happened. They were confused and upset, and they wanted to know. I told Nina they didn’t, they really didn’t want to know because knowledge is not always power but mostly pain.

  “But they wanted to know because they don’t remember. The spell didn’t leave them with any memory. Oh, but the whole thing was on camera because our surveillance is kickass. We were right by one, good angle, lights on in the club, and no music so the whole thing was in HD for them too. So Jonathan got the footage and sent it to them so they could see.”

  “Okay, so why—” Simone started but stopped when Phobie held up her hand.

  “Sera, did Nina find out who the witch is?” She was good and a good guess.

  I bobbed my head, taking another shot. “Yup. Alpha Lyon had a secret witch lover, the coven leader. The witches we met didn’t even have a clue. Oh, and he didn’t tell her what he was really doing. She helped him, and he lied to her. Shocker that the asshole lied, right? Apparently he told her that he was just invading and once he had a bigger pack and more power, no one would care if his mate was a witch.

  “Oh, but shocker, he was lying because he came here to mate me, force me to be Alpha Bitch because that really happened. So she learns the truth when others go back to Milwaukee and that he’s dead and it’s my fault. I did something to him or whatever lie she told herself, but it’s my fault. So this whole thing was revenge for what I did. Whatever made him lie to her or bullshit because he never came here to invade.

  “But I’m Alpha, so it’s always my fault. They were bespelled because of what I did, so it’s my fault. It’s my fault—I didn’t think there was a spell strong enough to ever make Dain hit me much less say what he did.” I reached for another shot, but Simone pulled the tray away. I growled and grabbed it back. There were only a few left, and I’d downed so many, what did the last few matter?

  “What about the witch?” Phobie asked.

  “Nina said she’d handle it. I’d guess she’s dead or soon. Probably really dead because Nina can liquify insides. I didn’t need to know that either.” I took the shot and then looked at Phobie. “So total breakdown or just partial? Is there partial breakdowns?” I shook my head. “How about admitting how much this set back our progress?” I set down the empty glass and went for another one.

  She reached over and took the last shot, toasting me before we downed them. “Oh, this will put you far beyond where we started.”

  “Phobie,” Hestia hissed. “Why would you admit that?”

  “You think not telling patients the truth is better? Make them think it’s not really as bad as they feel it is? Yeah, that doesn’t help. Besides, she knows how fucked up this is. I haven’t seen the video yet, but I know it’s bad. They physically assaulted her and said horrid things no man should ever say to a woman, much less when they love her, but it was because of a spell. That doesn’t change the trauma of it happening—”

  “And is it even fair for me to ge
t upset when it happened because of revenge against me? Do I owe them an apology for being dragged into my shit? Used like that? I mean, it’s worse than mind raping them, right? But Goran didn’t fall for it. He’s more powerful than them though, so was that a factor? Nina’s not sure if part of the spell made them want to drink it or not.”

  “Do they remember that part?” Simone asked gently. I shrugged. “What did they say about it?”

  I snorted. “You think I’ve talked to any of them? No way. I have no idea what to say, and just because they were bespelled doesn’t make it any less painful for me.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk to any of them.” I slid out, pushing to stand and the floor tilting on me a bit. “I’m going for more shots.”

  “Sera, I think you’ve had enough,” Simone muttered, suddenly in front of me. She sighed when I shook my head. “Come on, let’s—”

  “Goran told the council I lied to them. He’s going to be the advisor of this area—Vlad’s boss. That’s going to be my fault too. That’s going to be more shit. And do I trust Goran with anything ever again? Tie myself to him forever? He says he did it to protect me, but that’s still going behind my back, and can I trust someone like that? Should I?”

  “Well, let’s leave that for tomorrow or when you’re sober,” she suggested.

  “Incoming,” Hestia warned, and I wasn’t sure what she meant, but it took too much effort to worry about it.

  Until I saw Dain out of the corner of my eye. I turned my neck so fast to make sure, my neck made a funny sound. They were all there not five feet away from me. I bumped into the table when I moved back, sliding along it to put more distance between us. Except I ran out of table, knocking into the end of the booth and losing my balance in my drunken state. I landed hard on my butt, but I wasn’t in heels this time, effective when I scooted away.

  “Jesus, she’s terrified of us,” Hagan or Reagan whispered. I was too drunk to tell them or their voices apart. “Sera, we didn’t mean any of what we—”

  “Stop, not like this,” Phobie interrupted, moving in front of me and blocking them. “This is not the way to handle this. Just because you were bespelled doesn’t negate the trauma she went through.”

  “We know that,” Brian rasped. “It’s why we came to apologize. I couldn’t not come and immediately apologize.”

  “She’s too upset and traumatized to even hear that right now,” Phobie explained gently. “She’s not even digested it wasn’t what she thought. Five of the people she trusted most, loved most, verbally, emotionally, and physically assaulted her last night. A stranger cared enough to step in and save her from the people she loves.

  “I’m not even sure how to handle this with the stacks of traumas she already has weighing on her. So you need to give her space. I know you want to apologize and fix this, but she can’t yet.”

  “That’s not fair. It wasn’t our fault,” Hagan or Regan argued. Hagan if I had to guess, but my heart was beating so fast it echoed in my head, so I really couldn’t tell.

  “Well, if it’s all about how you feel, then sure, apologize and get that off your chest, but you might lose her for good because you couldn’t give her what she needs after you assaulted her. Potion or not, that is what happened. You got physical with her and abusive in what you said. It was different than being drunk, of course, but you still did it. She needs time to settle that before she can even figure out what happens next.”

  “I’ve known her for years, and I’ve never seen her get stumbling drunk, so back off,” Brian muttered. “Whatever she needs. We just knew her well enough that she would blame herself for this because it was an attack on her, and we don’t blame her.”

  That was actually helpful to know, and later when I wasn’t frozen in panic and fear, maybe I would be grateful they’d made sure I knew that. But right then I couldn’t handle even hearing their voices, what they’d said to me replaying in my head. I curled into a ball, covering my head with my arms, trying to block it out, all the names they’d called me, all the hurtful words when Axel had protected me.

  “Sera, they left,” Phobie whispered, rubbing her hand over my hair to soothe me. “They’re gone, okay? You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to.”

  “I don’t know what to do this time,” I choked out, not moving my arms. “It hurts, Phobie. It hurts so much . Dain hit me. He called me a whore. Brian shoved me. Hagan bit me. Reagan, Noah—how they put their hands on me. What they said . I can’t stop hearing what they said. It was like every horrible thing I think about myself times a hundred and got worse.”

  “We’ll go over it all and work on negating it,” she murmured.

  “You might want to hear what they said before you promise you can do that,” Simone said under her breath. “I just watched it, and Noah said he wishes her dead every night so he’s free from her, that maybe Riley had the right idea by jumping off a cliff. That’s not even the worst of what they said. I—I can’t even believe it, and I know they were bespelled.”

  I glanced up when Phobie moved away from me, taking the tablet Simone waved at her and walking further away for privacy. I appreciated her discretion, but just about everyone already knew. Then it hit me she did it so I didn’t have to hear it again, and I was truly grateful for that.

  Simone pulled out her phone and knelt in front of me, moving her free hand over mine, still trying to hide me from all of this as if that was possible. “Tasar, it’s Simone. I need you to go over to Sera’s house and pack a few bags for her.”

  “Why? Where is she going?” he asked, his tone worried. “Is she fleeing after—”

  “No, she’s not fleeing ,” she drawled, rolling her eyes. “She’s going to come stay with me. Pack for at least a week.” She told him her address, her tone clearly saying the decision wasn’t up for debate, and then hung up. She got to her feet and pulled me up as well. “Time to crash somewhere safe and neutral, and tomorrow we come up with a plan.”

  I opened my mouth to argue but saw Phobie nodding she agreed as she kept watching the video, stark fear in her eyes. So it wasn’t me overreacting and really was as bad as it felt. Oh good, because nothing was more awesome than scaring the crap out of your therapist that you’d gone through something so horrible she’s got that much reason to worry.

  “Okay,” I whispered, trusting Simone and Phobie enough to let them handle this and me until I could get myself back together.

  Not that I could offer much resistance with how much I’d drunk.

  We headed out, and Simone drove my SUV since there was such much crazy going on with work I might need it. We were quiet the first few minutes, and if I’d been more in my head, I would have been curious since I’d never seen her place, just knowing it was a nice condo on the North Side just outside the loop so it was really convenient and close to the club and her other business.

  And it had private parking with a guard on duty who stepped out to question the strange vehicle, which was awesome and good they did their job more than just deterrence. I checked things out as she led the way, my mind processing and handling too much in my drunk state to give it my normal attention.

  “Your place is swank,” I complimented after we rode up the elevator and she let me in one of the two condos on the huge floor.

  “Says the woman who has a mansion and just bought a whole apartment building,” she replied with amusement, but thanked me still. She went into the kitchen while I looked around the spacious great room with a killer view of the loop being so close. We were on the tenth floor, so it really was nice. “Can I be an older sister for a minute?”

  “Sure,” I agreed, taking the bottle of water she offered me and opening it.

  “You’re looking out my window like you’re jealous this is where I live and you want it instead of where you do,” she said gently, her voice so worried that I couldn’t even get upset.

  “It’s a nice view,” I muttered, unsure of what else to say.

  “Sera, what do you want?”
She shook her head in the reflection, so I knew she saw whatever I was feeling on my face to react that way. “You have done everything for everyone else. Enough. Be selfish . You have to start being selfish, Sera, or you will break and everything, I mean everything will fall apart.”

  “It hasn’t already?” I rasped, closing my eyes and taking a long chug.

  “Because you have no part of your life settled,” she murmured, rubbing her hand over my shoulder. “You jumped into this life, and everything you knew blew up. The problem is you kept jumping over and over again and never rebuilt the foundations. I think you finally got that with working on the basics with Dain, talking with Phobie, and that’s helped, right?”

  “Yes.” It had, and even though hearing Dain’s name hurt, I couldn’t deny that what we’d been doing had worked.

  “Then what do you want? Not what you should do or think you have to do. Answer me what you want? What do you need to rebuild those foundations? To secure one part of your life so the next time you take a hit everything isn’t falling apart.”

  “I don’t know, I never have,” I confessed, the root of the problem finally hitting me. “I’ve been running on ice to keep moving, and I have no fucking clue, Simone. I don’t, and I can’t, no matter how hard I try, I can’t get my footing. The second I think I do, I fall and big time. I get back up and keep running, but I’m tired, I’m so tired, and I’m not sure I can get back up this time.”

  “No, this time you need to break the fucking ice and stop running,” she growled, pulling me closer and hugging me. “This time we break all the fucking ice and pour some godsdamn concrete. That’s the plan. That’s what we’re going to do, and you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want while we do that.”