Shattered Alpha

by Erin R Flynn

  “Yes, please, Mistress.”

  “You, my tiger?” I teased as I moved my hips.

  “Yes, simply watching you is more enjoyable than some of the actual sex I’ve had.”

  I blinked at him, completely turned on. “That might be one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever gotten.”

  “He’s right,” Carter promised, his fingers teasing me before pinching. I gasped and moved faster, leaning over and kissing him before allowing him to bite my nipples and we both finished.

  Then I was really finished, sliding into the hot tub to soak. I thanked Carter when he brought my drink to me and looked at Axel. “What did you think?”

  “I already knew I wanted to fuck you, Sera,” he chuckled and then gave me a wide smile when I flushed.

  “I meant feeling my full power that way.”

  He licked his lips and searched my eyes. “I would have thought it stronger. It wasn’t even what I’ve felt from fairies and their glamour of desire.”

  “She didn’t use much,” Carter explained, relaxing with his head back and his eyes closed. “She holds back because she’s afraid of making someone a mindless drone. She used more on New Year’s where I felt like a high. This was a rush and pheromones plus the hit of her blood. It’s not much more than seeing an attractive woman and then smelling when she’s wet and knowing it’s aimed at you.”

  “Yes, like that, but I didn’t feel influenced like I wasn’t myself.”

  “No, I don’t like to do that,” I admitted. “I did it at fairy court, but that was to prove a point, answer a challenge. I don’t like screwing with people like that. They were like… Yeah, drones. That’s creepy to me.”

  “You are so not like fairies,” Axel chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m sorry I ever even accused you.”

  “Are you in your head enough to accept a kiss for saying that since it really upset me you accused me of that?” I muttered, relaxing in the water. I gasped as he was suddenly there, pulling me out, wrapping me around him and not caring his suit got wet as he kissed me stupid.

  “I am sorry, Sera. You are nothing like them and kind, fuck, so kind. I never meant to let my issues and hurt leak all over you,” he whispered, waiting until I nodded before kissing me again. “Feed.”

  I leaned in and pressed my lips to his ear. “Am I your Alpha or just an Alpha?”

  He swallowed loudly, and it was enough of an answer for me, and I didn’t make him say it, feeding heavily from him. He set me in the water before going back to the door.

  I didn’t stay much longer, changing into my clothes in the office and wanting to crash, a long weekend ahead of us. And did I ever crash, and apparently making the decision I had helped my stress because I slept like a baby, all on my own, relieved I was stepping back.

  Now if I could just handle articulating it to the others in a way that didn’t hurt them.

  Simone didn’t join me for my morning run, and it was peaceful to go alone, knowing I deserved the time to myself. But since I was alone, I found myself heading to the far corner of pack lands to where our wolves were buried. Theon had told us he’d located Engle and the last Alpha and was handling getting them put back. I was grateful I didn’t have to get involved with it, the reason they were taken traumatizing me enough.

  I shifted to human and knelt in the snow, not caring about the cold at least for a few moments. I’d done this several times since Thanksgiving, having someone I needed to visit.

  “I hope you found peace, Riley,” I rasped, rubbing my chest at the pain I felt at his loss. “Jesse’s doing well. I think you helped heal some of his deep hurt even if losing you hurt him again. You might have been the first person who put him first, gave him a chance to see himself as he should, and now he shines.” I sniffled loudly, it echoing in the quiet as I wiped my nose. “I’m a mess, but I have been the whole time you knew me, right?

  “There was a new attack, and I fell apart. Again.” I wiped under my eyes. “I used to be strong. I used to feel like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. It was me on my own and work, which I loved. That was it. It was enough, and maybe I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t hurt like this. I wasn’t attacked and at the center of it all. The pain is all I can see sometimes, and I think I finally forgive you.” I let out a shaky breath.

  “I’m sorry it took me this long, but the pain we all felt, the guilt I still feel, is so much. But I had a moment, maybe the first moment ever, where I understood that deep, deep pit of just wanting to be swallowed up. I know it was a spell, but when they all turned on me, when I felt that hate pointed at me, that abyss of everything I knew being a lie, I finally understood what you were suffering through.

  “So I forgive you. I don’t know if I’ll ever heal from losing you, how we lost you, but I forgive you for doing what you did. I understand it now, and I hope you found peace, I really do.” I shivered, knowing I had to wrap it up and shift back so I had warm fur. “I’m going to really listen to Simone and be selfish. I have to stop running, stop jumping all the time. If I break, so does so much else when I’m at the center of it. So that’s the plan. I hope it works.”

  I shifted back and let out a howl of pain losing him made me feel, thinking he heard it wherever he was and at least felt better he was missed, we noticed his loss. Then I headed back to my SUV, hoping I could handle what came next before the weekend of crazy dominance fights.

  The drive to the restaurant I made the reservation at wasn’t long enough, and when I pulled into the parking lot, it took all I had to shut off my SUV. It took another minute before I could actually get out, but I managed, knowing if I could get through this, I would feel better.

  But most times those were the hardest situations to handle.

  I swallowed loudly when I saw Dain and the twins right on the other side of the door. I actually took a step back when they turned around and saw me.

  “We won’t hurt you, Sera,” Brian rasped from behind me, having seen my reaction.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, blinking back tears.

  “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he promised. “If this is too soon, we’ll understand. I will.”

  I let out a slow breath and closed my eyes, reaching deep for the strength I needed. “No, we should all talk.”

  Tristan moved from behind me and opened the door for us. I saw Noah then too, and my heart raced so fast at not just seeing all of them but being surrounded by them again I practically booked it for the hostess.

  “Hi, I made a reservation for seven under Sera,” I greeted.

  “Your party’s all here?” she checked, grabbing menus when I nodded and handing them off to our server.

  “Right this way.”

  I headed after her, glad it wasn’t just two tables pushed together but like an alcove party area. Not a room, but it was pretty private. I sat at the end so no one was directly next to me and it was the easiest to flee from.

  Wasn’t it great that my mind went right there?

  I glanced at the menu. “I’ll have a mocha, no whip cream please, and a water.”

  Everyone followed my lead and ordered coffee or whatever to start, and then our server left and I felt the eyes on me, but I studied the menu.

  “Sera, I’m so sorry,” Dain choked out, and I still couldn’t look at him. “I don’t feel that way about you. I don’t—”

  “I can’t get into it,” I cut in, wiping under my eyes. “I can’t. I’m not ready to, I’m sorry. I know that’s horrible, but I cannot seem to wrap my mind around it. I keep trying, but I can’t. I wanted to say I’m sorry someone used you to get to me. I’m sorry you were all hurt. That was a horrible position for you to be put in, and I’m really sorry.”

  “Please don’t cry,” Reagan begged, and I hurried to grab a napkin. “Thank you for saying that, but none of us blame you. I know being with you, being near you can make us a target. It comes with you being powerful and even your job. We choose to do it knowing the risks, Sera.”


  “You didn’t blame me that a cartel wanted to use the boys because of my relation to you,” Brian reminded me. “This is no different. It’s not on you.”

  I gave a watery laugh. “I’m Alpha. It’s always on me, but thank you for saying that.” I took in a shaky breath and held off when she started bringing waters and juice. “Simone came up with a plan, and I think it’s a good plan, it builds off Dain’s plan, and it might be a good way for me to stop running on ice and having to jump in all the time, push more and more into that corner of compartmentalizing that’s overflowing and knocking me around.”

  I went into what she’d said, rambling a bit because I was nervous, still unable to look at them. I also wanted to get through it before the waitress came back with coffee and we had to order. In my head it made sense because they could sit with it a bit then. Not feel they had to reply right away.

  Apparently I didn’t understand the concept of being selfish and putting myself first, as I worried more about them.

  It worked, and when the server came back, I nodded when she asked if we were ready to order, much to the shock of everyone else. Hey, I had blurted out that last little bit of my decision right before she’d arrived, so now it was in their court.

  “I’ll have the banana bread French toast and the meat lover’s skillet, eggs scrambled, and toast,” I read off, having glanced at the menu for real when I’d left the reservation on their answering machine last night. They’d confirmed it even before they’d opened as we were there early for a Saturday given the fights started at eight.

  They all hurried to order as well, and honestly I couldn’t keep up with it, but when they were done, the sound of Brian adding sugar to his coffee was practically deafening it was so loud when we were silent.

  “So you’re not ending things with us?” Reagan whispered.

  “No, I’m not.” I cleared my throat and picked up my mocha, holding the warm drink in my hands for comfort. “That’s not to say I don’t understand if you want to. I get my taking a step back or a time out isn’t fair to any of you, so I’ll understand if you don’t want to continue, um, what we have… Are.” I frowned. I wasn’t sure I knew how to classify any of them, but I really didn’t want to either.

  “And therapy? Our couples therapy?”

  I sighed, not having thought of that. “I think I need a break from that too. It wouldn’t be productive like this. I know Phobie’s coming up with a plan, but I told her I wanted to see her more often. She’s working with others, but she said she can handle it.” I took a sip and cleared my throat. “I used to feel strong, like I could handle and process just about anything. That’s changed, and I am not saying because of this.”

  “This was the limit you hit, and you can’t keep going like this without fixing things first,” Noah rephrased.

  “Yes. I’m sorry, but yes. I told Riley when I visited him today I forgave him because for a moment I understood that darkness, that hole he must have been living in where you realize your whole life is a lie. Axel figured it out fast it was a spell, but in those minutes, everything shattered around me and I was in that hole. Simone’s right that if I don’t get a better foundation, I might end up in that hole for good the next fucking crazy that comes at me.”

  I flinched when Reagan knelt next to me so he could catch my gaze. My lower lip quivered when I saw the tears running down his cheeks, understanding they hadn’t just started.

  “I love you, Sera,” he whispered, wiping his eyes, careful not to touch me. “You are being an angel not kicking us all to the curb after what you went through and it wasn’t our first fuck up. We took that drink without thinking, without using our heads or checking. We know better. We’re smarter than that. We messed up. Yes, we didn’t do any of it intentionally, but that doesn’t change what you went through.

  “So take as many steps back as you need, okay? You just tell me what you need, and we’ll make it work. We’ll get better too, do better, and yeah, maybe we should work on our foundation here as well. All we’ve done is jump and run, so it’s a good plan. And when you’re ready, when you’re up for it, we’ll start over.”

  “What?” I gasped, my heart racing.

  He gave me a warm smile even as more tears came. “We’ll start over. It won’t erase the past or what happened, we can work through it, but we’ll start over—start slower this time. Our foundation never got built either, and I want that. I can’t speak for the others, but I fell in love with you and we got together while everything was spinning out after Igor and the boys and… We never got the first date or any real foundation.

  “I want that. I want that with you, and you deserve it.” He sniffled as he wiped his eyes. “I want to send flowers to work after a date and send you cute texts like Virgil did. I’m absolutely fine with this and starting over. I get to court the woman I love knowing she can love me and we fit, has loved me and still wants me after what I’ve done to her. You’re giving me a gift of another chance, Sera, not a punishment or any reason to leave you.”

  “Really?” I breathed, my tears dripping onto his knee. “You really don’t hate me?”

  “No, never,” he promised, and so much tension and pain eased inside of me. It didn’t leave, but it eased, and the damn broke as I covered my face and quietly sobbed right there in front of them. One of them understood. It made sense, and one of them truly saw me no matter what they’d said or done that night.

  And it gave me the strength to finally look at them when he sat back down without being so terrified.

  And I almost fell over when I mostly saw the same sort of looks as Reagan gave me… But not Tristan, and I had a good guess why.

  “Vlad?”

  “Yeah,” he sighed. “I think taking a break or several steps back is best. He’s… I don’t know, Sera. He was all over me at work last night after that Carter guy threatened him. Now he’s pushing me to get back with you and keep you even like I used to—I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I mean, when did I do that? But I’m trapped.”

  “It’s not going to get better,” I warned, nodding when he gave me a worried look. “I didn’t do it, but it’s about to blow up, so I understand. I do. I’m getting pressure to do something about him too, but like what? He’s being petty and throwing insults around, so what?”

  “What did he do?” Brian asked, glancing at the others to check if they knew.

  I told them, and the amount of anger at one table was almost amusing if it wasn’t funny at all.

  “Next time he even implies something so horrible, ask him how he got his wealth and the power to have a coven even if it’s not in the old world,” Tristan said, his eyes full of fire. “That hypocrite went to a councilwoman and whored himself out, giving that crazy bitch everything she wanted, and in return he got what he wanted before the council put her down because she was twenty times worse than Igor. We all know it, and he asked for it.”

  “Vlad can wait,” Noah interjected, giving Tristan a look to back off but not mean because he understood too. “He was stable before, underhanded at times, sure, but stable. It’s the unease in the coven that has him sleeping with both eyes open, and that was getting better, so it can wait.”

  “Agreed,” Brian muttered, studying me carefully. “What are you thinking comes next?”

  I blew out a slow breath. “I’m going to stay at the owner apartment in the building I bought. I keep being downtown all the time, either for the club or really it keeps being the center of even work stuff like last night. Hestia’s heading to Milwaukee, and Simone’s got a handle on the sirens for the show, but the one thing that’s been keeping me going is how I’ve been taking care of my energy and now putting my wolf a priority.”

  “We’ll talk to the boys. It’ll be fine,” Hagan promised. “They know some of what happened with Lyon, and they’ll get it. I’m glad you’re going to have a place there so you’re not constantly back and forth or driving when it’s so late when you barely get enough sleep.”

&n
bsp; “So for now we’ll keep it work or pack or business and wait until you’re ready to talk or figure out the next step,” Brian clarified, swallowing loudly when I nodded. “Okay then. Got it.”

  Everyone was in agreement or had said something… Except Dain. He stood, pulled out his wallet and tossed some money down before walking out of the restaurant without a word.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered as if he could still hear me.

  “I think you’re misreading the situation,” Hagan muttered, looking towards the door before meeting my confused gaze. “No matter how it happened or what the cause, he hit his mate, his wife. He sent you flying, and you broke bones. You’ve turned to him because he was the one who never failed you, and he was the worst, and now you’re backing away from all of us and moving out on your own.”

  “He’s destroyed, not trying to say he’s done with you,” Noah clarified. “You mated and then almost got invaded, he almost died protecting you, and then he broke you. He couldn’t even give you the love you deserve for a week after promising you eternity. He doesn’t deserve the goddess who gave him a chance. That’s what he said.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that or how to handle it, but I was very grateful when food started coming. I couldn’t comfort Dain or help him. I wasn’t even able to help myself right then. Plus, part of me felt he was clearly saying he was done.

  And maybe I was everything he’d accused me of after all.

  18

  “Do I have to worry about you becoming an addict?” I asked Apollo later that morning after we finished having sex. “You said you wanted to talk, not have sex.”

  “We talked while getting naked and during,” he chuckled, leaning over and biting my nipple until I thought I might orgasm again. “Something has come up and I have to leave tonight, so yes, I wished to have some alone time with you.”