Secrets and Lies

by Joanne Clancy

  Needless to say Hope was in the doldrums at the end of her marriage. She truly loved Sebastian and knew that he loved her. They both felt so at ease in each other's company most of the time, but their relationship ultimately floundered over their battle of egos; neither one of them wanted to compromise or meet each other even half-way. The loss of her marriage was like the end of a dream to Hope; something that she had once believed had massive potential and was suddenly over, almost as quickly as it had begun.

  Even after her marriage to Sebastian ended she knew that she still wanted to marry again in the future. She believed in the fairytale and the happy ever after. She was madly romantic and idealistic and never gave up hope that one day she would meet her true prince.

  Shortly after the end of her marriage to Sebastian, Hope was offered the opportunity of presenting her own prime-time television show, which came as a welcome distraction to her recent heartbreak. “Wanna Date” had the potential to be either a very big hit or an abysmal miss, but thanks to Hope's vivacious personality it turned out to be an unexpected hit.

  The show involved Hope travelling all over Ireland to find dates for some of the country's many singletons where she would basically ambush completely random strangers on the street and enquire about their relationship status! Once the dates were set up, television cameras would follow the new lovebirds as they prepared for their dates and, more importantly, how the dates progressed and ended. Audiences loved the show and it wasn't long until “Wanna Date” was top of the prime-time Sunday evening ratings.

  Perhaps much of the appeal for Hope and “Wanna Date” was the fact that she simply loved matchmaking, and this translated effortlessly on screen. Hope described herself as a chronic matchmaker and few things made her happier than when two of her matches hit it off. She was a very engaging television host; chatty, smart and honest, often painfully so and there was a vulnerability about her that she could never quite hide.

  She came across on television like a best friend and big sister and although she admitted to being an incorrigible flirt she was still the type of woman who could be trusted by other women. Men loved her because she seemed feisty and fun and equally at home in the pub or with her feet up in front of the television. It was her genuine honesty and openness which won her a place in the hearts of the public and made “Wanna Date” such a runaway success.

  Hope revelled in her role as television presenter and soaked up the limelight. Sometimes, her colleagues would ask her how she had managed to do so well in such a short period of time, but deep down she knew it was down to sheer hard work and determination, with quite a large sprinkling of good luck and being in the right place at the right time.

  “Wanna Date” differed slightly from other dating shows in that there was a segment on dating advice at the end of every episode. Hope realised that some people might consider her to be an odd character to give anyone dating advice, especially considering her chequered dating history, after all she'd had a string of interesting, exciting and sometimes disastrous relationships, including one failed marriage. She was fascinated by relationships which led to many heated debates in studio. Why do some relationships work while others fail miserably? Why is it that some of the most successful, gorgeous and charismatic women in the world can't find a man? Why is it that some of the loveliest men are still single?

  Hope was delighted to seize the opportunity to share some of her far-flung ideas on how to be a go-getter on the dating front. “Wanna Date” was one of those fun shows with an occasionally underlying serious tone. Hope's basic advice about how to meet your next potential date was fairly simple; gyms are good, blind dates can be disastrous but sometimes worth the risk and dog-walking is excellent for developing relationships; something which she would soon discover for herself. Little did she know that when “Wanna Date” first aired that it wouldn't be long until she would finally find her own answer to true love.

  Hope had learned a lot about relationships since her first disastrous marriage. This time, with her marriage to Niall, she didn't think that it mattered that she'd married a man who could understand her. It was more important to her to have married a man that she understood implicitly. His emotions and his feelings were of paramount importance to her. She had learned, after much introspection, that her first marriage had failed because of an inflated sense of her own self-importance and she had truly believed back then that the world revolved around her. Hope loved Niall to such a degree that he was the most important person in their relationship as far as she was concerned.

  They had so many interests in common, especially their shared passion for dangerous outdoor pursuits. Hope loved few things more than scaring herself half to death with her latest dare-devil stunt. One of the most terrifying stunts they'd ever tried was a seven hundred feet bungee jump out of a helicopter over Arizona's Grand Canyon! First she watched Niall jump successfully and then it was her turn.

  “This will be fun, this will be fun,” she kept chanting in her head.

  It was like she had been possessed by a mixture of total terror and an overriding drive to just do it! She was laughing and crying at the same time and trying desperately not to look out the window at the sheer drop below her. She assumed the position that they'd been taught on the ground. Then the trainer stared into her eyes and unwrapped the safety belt as he began to count down to her jump; five, four, three, two, one and then she jumped!

  Hope felt herself falling and gliding through the air; an odd peace and acceptance engulfed her. It was like having an out of body experience and it ended all too soon. She felt so exhilarated afterwards that she was begging to jump again! It was simultaneously the best and worst thing that she'd ever done in her life. She would wake up in the mornings after the jump and go to sleep at night with nothing but that jump on her mind. It had been electrifying and horrifying at the same time and she was addicted to the thrill of it.

  Cha

  pter 5

  Hope's mother, Chantale, flew from Paris especially for her daughter's wedding to Niall.

  Chantale's presence at the wedding opened a Pandora's box of secrets that had long since been locked shut. The week before her wedding, Hope decided that it was time that she put the long-buried demons of her childhood to bed for once and for all.

  Hope could not help focusing on those demons that had returned to haunt and torment her just one week before her wedding. Her mind was racing with all sorts of different thoughts when perhaps she should have been focused on her impending Big Day. She wanted to talk to her mother and ask her the many questions that she'd never been brave enough to ask or face, so she bravely took the first step and telephoned Chantale. It wasn't easy for Hope to make that phone call as she hadn't seen or spoken to her mother in several years. She simply announced to her mother that it was time for a meeting and invited her to the wedding.

  There was a small part of Hope that couldn't help blaming her mother for her string of addictions and now she wanted to finally lay the unresolved issues with Chantale to rest. She was exhausted from the anger and sadness that she carried around deep inside her every day. She wanted answers from her mother and she truly wanted to forgive her so that both of them could move on with their lives and hopefully come to a new understanding in their relationship.

  Chantale had been fighting her own battle with alcohol for many years and she admitted that it was her daughter's love and concern that had brought her back from the brink of death after too many years of binge-drinking.

  Hope knew that the timing of her confrontation with her mother couldn't be more radically off, especially with her wedding just a week away, but she knew that the right moment would never arrive, no matter how long she waited. She'd procrastinated for long enough and this was the moment. She knew that there was never a good time to discuss, whether it be with a family, a friend or a work colleague, the heartfelt matters that everyone must confront at some point in their lives. There are time's in most people's lives when suddenly thing
s seem to go inexplicably wrong and life just gets on top of us and it is at those crucial moments that the best solution is to confront our difficulties head-on, which was exactly what Hope was prepared to do. She wanted her wedding to Niall to be a fresh start in every way and hoped to leave the baggage of her past behind her for once and for all.

  ~~**~~

  Hope watched, enthralled, from the airport arrivals lounge as her mother descended dramatically from the plane. She couldn't help smiling at the admiring glances her mother received from the other passengers, who stared at her with a mix of awe and curiosity. Chantale was as glamorous as ever. She wore a huge navy blue hat with a dark silk veil cast across her face, giving her an instant air of mystery. Her silver-grey hair, which she categorically refused to dye, no matter how much her daughter insisted, was cut into an immaculate, sophisticated bob. There wasn't one hair out of place, in spite of her six hour flight from South Africa, where she now lived with her fourth husband!

  Her figure was trim and toned thanks to the Parisienne habit of walking everywhere, even in the highest of heels. She wore a Jean Paul Gaultier crisp white blouse beneath a royal blue tailored jacket which was nipped in at the waist and a figure-hugging pencil skirt. She had a silk scarf, the ultimate French accessory, twisted intricately around her neck and draped over one shoulder. The whole outfit was set off by a ludicrously high-heeled pair of Christian Louboutin stilettos.

  Chantale Decoursiere was the quintessential French woman. She oozed sensuousness and femininity and there was an easy gracefulness about her as she walked nonchalantly through arrivals. She was a classic Gallic beauty and was very short, though perfectly proportioned and very chic. What she lacked in stature she more than made up for in confidence and charm, which she certainly had in abundance.

  “It's all in the details,” she used to advise Hope when she was a teenager in need of beauty advice.

  “Never leave home without manicured nails and styled hair and always take care of your skin. Wear a little makeup, just some light foundation, a slick of lipstick and a coat of mascara. Let your natural beauty shine through. Makeup should accentuate, not mask your face and most importantly you must moisurise, moisturise, moisturise.”

  Hope was glad that she'd listened to her mother and had religiously moisturised her face and body since she was a young girl. Now she had beautiful soft skin, just like her mother's, which looked much younger than her years.

  Hope had inherited her mother's chic style. She had learned in her early twenties what suited her and dressed to flatter her body shape. She usually dressed for comfort, but it was a stylish comfort. Her regular day-wear consisted of skinny jeans, a pretty top and flat ballet pumps and she accessorised her outfits with little fashion statements like a brooch or scarf.

  She never followed the latest fashion trends, preferring instead to buy her clothes in vintage shops. One of her favourite pastimes was to spend an afternoon wandering around the many second-hand clothes shops in Cork City where she never tired of the thrill of discovering an unexpected hidden gem. She appreciated the fact that the clothes she bought in vintage shops were usually one of a kind and would rarely be seen on anyone else. She had her own individual style and enjoyed expressing herself subtly through the clothes that she wore.

  Hope had a trim figure, just like her mother, thanks to the fact that she walked everywhere and ate carefully. She hated gyms and preferred incorporating exercise into her daily routine. She thought that driving to the gym to exercise was sheer madness and laughed at her friends who insisted on renewing their gym memberships year after year, despite the fact that most of them rarely attended.

  Hope enjoyed her food, and believed in the philosophy of eating everything but in small portions. She took her time eating and savoured the best quality rather than wolfing down vast quantities of cheaper food. She was definitely her mother's daughter, whether she liked it or not.

  Hope's mother sashayed serenely through the arrival doors, completely oblivious to the admiring glances of those around her. She wrapped her arms tightly around her daughter who was instantly enveloped in her mother's signature fragrance; Chanel Number Five.

  “It is wonderful to see you at last, cherie,” her mother whispered, with tears in her eyes.

  “I'm so happy you're here, mama,” Hope replied, repeating the endearment she'd used as a child, truly meaning the word. Suddenly she was overcome with emotion at having her mother so near and struggled to fight the tears that threatened to erupt. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed her until that moment.

  All the angst and anxiousness that she'd experienced prior to Chantale's arrival suddenly evaporated at the sight of her mother's face and she felt relieved, like a great weight had been taken off her shoulders.

  She truly hoped that Chantale would at least try to understand what she was going through and make an effort to give her some of the answers that she so desperately needed. She suddenly felt that her mother was her only ally in the stress and strain that had threatened to engulf her over the wedding preparations. She and Niall had been arguing constantly about miscellaneous wedding details and at one point he'd even threatened to cancel the entire wedding, much to Hope's shock and horror. Every time she asked his opinion or made an appointment to see their wedding planner he would claim to have yet another work commitment that he couldn't escape and she was left making most of the decisions on her own. She was beginning to wonder if he truly wanted to marry her.

  The parallels between mother and daughter's lifestyles were quite extraordinary. Both were attractive, charismatic women with failed whirlwind marriages behind them, and even more extraordinary was that they both had an almost identical history of addiction.

  Chantale had been drinking very heavily every day at one point in her life and it was Hope who had made her realise that she was slowly killing herself. Her daughter gave her the strength to believe that if she could quit drugs that she could quit drinking.

  “You saved my life, cherie,” Chantale said, as she squeezed her daughter's hands. “If it wasn't for you I would be dead by now.”

  Tears brimmed instantly in Hope's eyes. The very thought of losing her mother was too much for her to even contemplate.

  “I did it because I love you,” she replied, her voice catching in her throat.

  The turning point in Chantale's life came several years previously, when Hope was visiting her mother, who was by then on her third marriage to a French diplomat. Chantale was drunk and aggressive and her behaviour was completely overboard, which was often the case when she was ridiculously drunk. Hope waited until she returned home to Cork from her trip and then she wrote her mother a very simple, but heartfelt note saying: “Mama, I love you. I want my mama back. I want you to get better.”

  It may have seemed like a simple message, but for Hope it was the most difficult letter that she'd ever written. It took much soul-searching and agonising for her to get to the moment of being able to write that letter. She attended quite a few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to try to fully understand something of what her mother was experiencing. After all, Hope's addiction was to drugs, she avoided alcohol as she knew that the lowering of her inhibitions would inevitably reduce her willpower to resist the drugs. She knew that her mother was drinking herself to death and she believed that the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings would give her the strength and understanding to help her mother. She was absolutely petrified of writing that fateful letter to Chantale and part of her thought that she might never speak to her again, but she was willing to take that chance for her mother's sake.

  “The truth is that I owe my health and my sanity to your beautiful letter, cherie,” Chantale said tearfully as she took her daughter's hands in hers.

  Hope's letter forced Chantale to realise that she was making her beloved daughter suffer when she was drunk and she knew that she had to change her ways. She was determined to overcome her addiction, but it took huge courage on her part to accept the inevitable.


  When she first read her daughter's letter, Chantale flew into a blind rage. She denied that she had a problem and in her anger she tore Hope's letter to shreds. Her pride was unable to stomach the demand that she tackle her alcoholism. There was still a part of her that tried to convince herself that she didn't have a problem.

  “How dare she? Who does she think she is?” Chantale screamed around her house when she first read the letter. She sulked for weeks before she was able to phone her daughter!

  Later, Chantale would blame herself for Hope's descent into addiction, accepting that she was hardly an ideal role model. Of course, she felt terribly guilty for the breakdown of her marriage to Hope's father and her subsequent abandonment of her daughter when she ran away to Paris. She admitted that she had been too consumed with her own problems to fully realise the detrimental effect that her absence was having on her little girl's life. Chantale’s leaving made her feel insecure and unsure of herself and underneath her external bravado she was quite a fragile character.

  The first thing Chantale insisted on doing when they left the airport was that they attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. It was the one and only time that they had attended a meeting together and it took Hope completely by surprise. She knew in that moment that whatever stress and concerns she was facing that her mother had come to help her battle her fears, so she immediately agreed to her mother's suggestion. It was an act of solidarity between them and very emotional. The fact that they were together, facing their weaknesses, reduced them both to almost inconsolable tears. It felt as if they were drawing an unspoken line under their terrible experiences and it marked a new beginning in their relationship with each other.