by Taylor Dean
Shay tilts her head to the side. “I remember that. His room was always so warm.”
“At any rate, Shay was finally sound asleep and I was just about to drift off when suddenly Drew comes barreling into his dark room, thinking he’s alone. He doesn’t turn on the lights. He paces back and forth while letting out every single forbidden swear word he’s ever heard in his life, unaware that Shay and I are on his bed. So, in the darkness I say, ‘What are you doing?’ It scares the life out of him and he flicks on the light, his mouth hanging open at being caught in the middle of his sailor-like rant. I ask him, ‘Why did you say those words?’ And he tells me, ‘I just had to.’ I’ve never forgotten that moment. He said words I didn’t even know he knew. Needless to say, his father had a long talk with him that evening about the proper use of language.”
Everyone laughs and razzes Stony over it. Grayson tells him maybe he missed his true calling and he should have been a truck driver. Stony just shakes his head and goes with the flow like he always does.
“I’ll never forget that day. Dad taught me that a real man doesn’t dishonor himself with foul language. That was the day I learned to control my mouth. I remember it well,” Stony tells us. Caroline dabs at her eyes, touched by Stony’s fond words about his father.
I think back and realize Stony has never had a foul mouth from the day I met him. I’m not sure how he got away with never telling me this story.
I sigh. I could sit here all day and reminisce over old stories. I loved my childhood with Stony. It’s nice to look back on that time with good feelings and no regrets.
“Think it’s time to hear a story about Shay,” Stony says, but he’s interrupted by the doorbell ringing repeatedly. At the same time, we hear the high pitched wail of sirens as they get closer and closer.
I hate the sound of sirens. They remind me of the night I hurt Stony.
Today, however, my thoughts immediately turn to my mother. I gasp and turn to look at Grayson.
“C’mon,” he says. “I’ll go with you.”
I can’t even describe how good it is to have someone at my side. I’ve been facing life alone for a long time. This is not an alone moment. Goodbye, Enola.
Blake is at the door. “It’s Mom. Come quick.”
My heart skips a beat as we run across the street. The ambulance arrives at the same time we do.
“She was sleeping peacefully, then she just started convulsing. I didn’t know what to do, so I called the ambulance and ran to get you.”
I stand there watching as they work on my unconscious mother, feeling helpless. I can’t even hold her hand. They’re poking her with needles in both arms and I’m starting to freak out at the sight. Grayson’s arms are around me and that’s my only comfort.
“Is she okay?” I ask.
“She’s stable, ma’am. She had a seizure. We’re going to take her to the hospital.”
They place her on a stretcher and carry her to the ambulance. I’m allowed to go with her and Grayson says, “I’ll be right behind you.” Then he motions to Blake, “C’mon, I’ll give you a ride.”
As we speed off, I see Stony, Spencer, Caroline, and Shay, who is holding Brit in her arms. They’re standing on the curb with concern on their faces.
It’s all so reminiscent of that awful night, the worst night of my life. The sirens, the stretcher. Stony, mercifully unconscious. It’s all coming back to me. I shiver at the memory.
All I can do is hold onto my mother’s hand, bow my head, and weep. For my mother. For Stony. It’s all merging into one horrible tragedy.
But it’s not. They are two very separate occasions and I need to keep them that way in my mind.
We arrive at the hospital and Mom is wheeled away quickly. Blake and Grayson are soon at my side. I am, again, thankful to not be alone.
The doctor is calm when he comes to talk to us and takes the entire situation in stride. “Sometimes chemo can cause seizures. We’ll keep her here and watch over her for the next few days.” As if it’s no big deal.
Grayson says, “Just another Sunday, huh?”
The doctor doesn’t seem to appreciate his sarcasm.
I tell Blake that I’ll stay with Mom and he borrows Grayson’s car to go home and get me some of my things. Grayson stays with me as we sit at Mom’s bedside. She’s pretty drowsy from whatever drug they gave her, but she opens her eyes at one point and sees us sitting at her bedside holding hands.
A smile washes over her face and then she’s out again.
But that smile means the world to me. I know she wants to see me married and happy, giving her lots of grandchildren. I hope I can make her dreams come true. I rest my head on Grayson’s shoulder and we simply enjoy the peace and quiet for a while.
Then I say, “My mother visited me every single week while I was in prison. She never missed. Not once. That took effort on her part.”
“That’s love,” Grayson says. “Real love.”
“I’m her only daughter. We’ve always been close. Even though I mortified her by being a tomboy most of my life.”
“You? A tomboy? I don’t believe it.”
“Oh, believe it. I spent half my life up in a tree, dangling from the branches. Or speeding down the sidewalk on my skateboard. Or honking the horn on my bike because I wanted people to get out of the way so I could go faster.”
“So . . . what happened?”
I meet his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Where did that person go?”
I look away and stare at my hand clasped in his. “I’m not sure. She’s still in there somewhere. Somehow, I guess I lost her along the way.”
“I think she’s still alive and kicking.”
“I’d like to think so.”
“Mia, look at me . . . please.”
So I do. I look into those blue eyes and feel myself begin to drown.
“You’re so . . . inside yourself. Sometimes I feel like I can’t reach you. It’s as if you have walls up around yourself and I can’t get over them. I want to spend time together and get to know the real you. Are you sure this is what you want? If not, I’ll leave you alone.”
His face is becoming dear to me, as if I’ve already known him for years instead of weeks. I’m petrified of letting him in, but losing him scares me even more. “Please don’t leave me alone.”
I’m rewarded with one of his big smiles and I have the urge to climb inside of him and be a part of him. I want this man at my side. I can’t help myself, I return his smile, a smile that conveys how happy he makes me.
His sharp intake of breath surprises me. “I love that beautiful smile, Mia. Don’t hide yourself from me. Please. Let me in.”
“I’m trying,” I tell him.
“I know you are. I can see how hard you’re fighting to stay above water. Don’t give up. Things are only going to get better from here on out.”
My smile dies at the thought. Not yet. I have to confess everything to Stony before I will feel the peace I so desperately crave.
“What? What is it?” Grayson asks perceptively.
“I’m working on it, Grayson. Just give me some time.”
He nods. Blake enters the room then, a small overnight bag in hand.
“Hey, Blake. You mind if I take this pretty little lady out for a bit? I think she needs some air.”
“Sure, no problem.” Blake winks at me.
I guess he and Grayson bonded on the trip to the hospital.
“I’ll have her back before her carriage turns into a pumpkin.”
Blake laughs and waves us off, opening his laptop before we’ve even left the room.
We climb into Grayson’s Subaru, pick up some fast food, park at Newman Park, and eat our food in the car, watching carefree children frolic on the playground.
To my surprise, I feel utterly relaxed. I don’t feel nervous or stressed, wondering if this will work out or not. I just feel calm.
After we’re done eating, we decide to take a walk. Hand in
hand, we set out, a light breeze licking at our skin. The September weather is perfect, not too hot and not too cold.
“Thanks for being there for me today, Grayson.”
“You bet.” He pauses. “I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but am I pushing too hard, forcing you into an uncomfortable situation? Stony and Spencer have been great about it, but I know this can’t be easy for them either.”
I have to remind myself that he doesn’t know I overheard their conversation. “Do you think they’re really okay with us dating?”
“They both gave me the go-ahead. Listen, if my sister wasn’t okay with it, she would tell me with no holds barred. I have no doubt about that. I stayed in their home for almost a week and I never heard any tears or fights over the issue. Those two are tight as a drum. They let nothing come between them. I want to be them when I grow up.”
What will happen when I confess everything? Will they still be okay with me dating Grayson? I doubt it very much. I doubt they will ever want to lay eyes on me again. It’s one thing to forgive me when I won’t be a major player in their lives. But if I’m with Grayson, it changes the dynamics of the situation. I should back out now. I should let Grayson go. I’m going to hurt all involved. Not just Stony and Spencer. Now I’m going to hurt Grayson as well. The blood circle is getting bigger and I don’t want to leave everyone around me cut and bleeding. I can’t take feeling as though I’ve destroyed anymore lives. It’s killing me. Stony’s life wasn’t destroyed, but it could have been. And everything was all my fault.
The thing is, I’m not willing to let Grayson go. Something is beginning between us and I love how he makes me feel. I might be standing in his shadow, but even his shadow is filled with warmth. I need this. I want this. I’m being selfish, but it’s high time I did something for me. I need to learn to love me and put me first. This is the first step. I want happiness for ME.
“The wheels are turning over there. What are you thinking about?” Grayson stops and faces me, framing my face with his hands. Oh my, his touch feels good. “You’re so quiet, Mia. From everything I’ve heard I know this is not the real you.”
No, it’s not. I used to be almost as lively as Grayson. I’ve faded so much, sometimes I think I might disappear completely. And no one will notice. “Life has changed me.”
“Don’t let it. Fight back.” He pauses. “You know, I never know what’s going on in that head of yours. Are you talking yourself out of this?”
“No. I’m doing this for me because I want this and I know I deserve happiness.”
“I knew you were in there somewhere. Nice to meet you, Mia Faraday.”
“Nice to meet you, Grayson Elliott. You know what? I don’t even care about the consequences anymore.”
“Are there consequences?”
I slant my head and give him a questioning look.
“Dumb question. Do we care about the consequences? Is that where you’re going with this?”
“Spot on.”
His thumbs caress my skin. “I could fall for you, Mia. So easily.”
I can’t hide my small intake of breath. I know what’s going to happen next and a little ripple of fear wanders through me. I’ve never kissed anyone but Stony. Will I like Grayson’s kiss?
Before my thoughts take me to deep, dark places, he presses his lips to mine and kisses me softly. It’s so sweet, a small moan escapes from the back of my throat. Then he pulls away for a second and comes back for more, this time with a little more force. He kisses me like he’s dying of thirst and I am the only thing to satisfy him. Something springs to life between us, something almost tangible. This relationship is more than a light flirtation. This means something to him. I feel it in the emotion behind his kiss. It surprises me. His feelings are stronger than he’s letting on. He tastes good and smells good and I love the feeling of being loved by him. I’ve felt so unlovable for a while now, so inundated with guilt, so consumed with remorse. I’ve really let self-pity consume me. If Grayson can love me, then I can love me. Not that I need a man to define my worth, but I do need someone—anyone—to notice me and bring me back to myself, to show me that I’m worth more than I’m allowing myself to be. It just so happens to be a man and a love interest at that. But I need this, I need this so much.
As our kiss fades and our lips part, we both smile at each other. And I feel like smiling. I feel like lighting up the world with my smile. It’s been forever since I’ve felt this way.
“I think we’ll just let that kiss do the talking for a while. Sound good?”
I nod. Yes, that kiss said it all and rendered me speechless.
CHAPTER
Eleven
THE NEXT EVENING, Grayson enters Mom’s hospital room with his arms stacked high. He has flowers, chocolates, a get-well balloon for Mom, magazines for me, and boxes of take-out for all of us. He’s hoping to whet Mom’s appetite. She hardly eats a thing and she’s quickly losing weight.
All I can think is: he’s wonderful. And amazing and incredible. Oh yes, I’m besotted.
Mom’s still sleeping the majority of the day away. Even though I miss her, it’s so comforting to see her resting rather than restless.
However, Grayson has chosen one of her rare awake moments to visit. She’s propped up with pillows and she smiles when she sees him.
“You are such a sweetheart, Grayson. Thank you.” Her voice is soft because her energy level is so low.
He kisses her on the cheek, then he turns and kisses me on the lips.
Mom’s eyes turn watchful, yet pleased. “You take good care of my Mia, young man.”
“That’s a promise I can keep.” Grayson opens the box of chocolates and offers her one, but she declines.
“He is, Mom. He’s very good to me.”
“It’s nice to see you happy, Mia. You’re glowing.”
This is only the beginning of my relationship with Grayson, but I’m filled with all the tingly feelings a new love evokes. My life is definitely taking an unexpected turn for the better. As Grayson holds my hand, I once again feel the finger of his other hand tracing lines on my palm. I love the absentminded habit because I love his touch.
Blake comes walking in then and he stays with Mom while me and Grayson go out for some air. We sit on a park bench on the hospital grounds and eat our take-out.
It’s Chinese and when I see the fried rice, I tell him, “I’ll only eat with you if you promise not to steal my peas.”
He throws his head back and laughs. “Your peas are safe, promise.”
I love that he can laugh at himself. “Thank you for this, I was starving.”
“You bet. Hey, I have a question for you and if you don’t want to go, just say no. I’ll understand.”
“Okay.”
“I was wondering if you’d like to go with me to a couples’ shower tomorrow night.” He pauses and I hear a drumroll in my mind. “It’s for Stony and Spencer.”
My first response is NO. No way. But then I think for a moment and change my mind. The sting is gone and I’m healing. We all are. Perhaps this is healthy. If things work out between Grayson and me, then I have got to learn to be at ease with Stony and Spencer.
“Is this a test?”
“No, not at all. It’s fine if you’d rather not. I just don’t feel like going alone and I’d love to have you at my side. I apologize for putting pressure on you earlier. I realize this is a difficult situation for all involved. The thing is, I can’t bring myself to stay away from you.”
“I don’t want to stay away from you either.”
“If you’re not comfortable going, I get it.”
“Do Spencer and Stony know you’re inviting me?” I ask.
“Yep, and they are fine with it.”
I let that ruminate for a moment. “You know what, I would love to go.”
“You would?”
“Yes. The more I see them, the easier it becomes.”
“Ah, desensitization. Is that the game plan?”
&
nbsp; “No, fall for someone else is my strategy.”
“And is it working?”
“Like a charm.”
“Good answer,” Grayson says and kisses me soundly. I was hoping he’d kiss me again. The kiss deepens and I forget about everything except him.
I can now cross making out on a park bench off of my bucket list.
No, never mind. I’m going to circle it. I want to do this again and again.
THE NEXT EVENING I’m not as calm about going as I’d like to be.
The shower is at Stony and Spencer’s house—that amazing place where they are happily-ever-aftering. For some reason, that makes seeing them harder. Go figure. It’s just that their home is such a . . . love nest.
Shay and Caroline are throwing the shower for them. Since we have many friends in common, I will know most of the people there. That’s a good thing and a bad thing. Everyone knows my story. Or maybe I should say, the story of Stony and me. I’m sure they will wonder why on earth I am in attendance.
I didn’t think this through.
I’m putting on a brave face for Grayson. I love having him at my side and there’s no way I would go without him. He gives me confidence. The more I dwell on the issue, I realize I really don’t mind seeing Stony and Spencer or celebrating their baby. Honestly, my nerves tonight are all about having to face other people.
I know I can back out. Grayson won’t mind. He’s being very understanding. But I feel as though it’s something I need to do, like a rite of passage or something. I’m slowly blending back into society and I just need to get past the first few awkward social situations. Then I’ll be old news around here and life will return to normal. If I can enter the house acting confident and poised, then I’ll put a stop to most of the gossip. It won’t be weird unless I make it weird.
So here I am. Facing the next step in my plan to move on.